Last night’s ESPY Awards and the after-parties had been thrilling, but now, my tired ass was paying for all the fun I’d had. I could barely keep my eyes open as Clayton applied my makeup. We were both sipping cups of Pu-erh tea, a fine blend of dried and fermented leaves that came from the Chinese Yunnan region next to the Tibet border. I didn’t always share my luxury tea, but I’d had such a good time last night, I was feeling charitable.
Clayton took a long sip of tea. “Mmm. This tea is delicious, but I have to say, you are making me earn my pay, today.”
“What do you mean?”
“You look exhausted, and I’m doing everything I can to make you look wide awake, but hiding these bags under your eyes is not easy.”
“Work your usual magic with concealer.”
“I’m trying, but you overpacked, baby. I’ve never seen you carrying this much luggage,” he quipped.
“Ha-ha, you got jokes, but it’s too early in the morning for me to laugh.”
“I’m serious. Concealer isn’t working, so let’s try an ice pack to get down the puffiness and then I’ll reapply the concealer.” He wiped the concealer from under my eyes and then pulled his phone from his pocket.
He called one of the college interns who was working on the show as production assistants, but were basically, gophers. “Bring a bowl of ice to Cori’s dressing room, pronto!” Clayton enjoyed exerting power.
“What about Preparation H? Isn’t that quicker?” I asked.
“Chile, that’s an urban myth. You can go blind if any of that shit gets in your eyes. You better keep it up your ass and away from your eyes.”
“Thankfully, my ass is just fine. No Preparation H for me.”
Clayton gawked at me.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Because you’re lying.”
“Why would I lie about that?”
“Are you telling me that you don’t suffer from even a minor case of hemorrhoids?”
“Hell, no! Why would I? I never pushed out a baby. And back when I was a child, my grandmother would have a fit if my cousins or I sat on a hard surface. She said it would give us ‘the piles,’” I said, chuckling at the memory.
“Umph.”
“Umph, what? Speak your mind.”
“I’m not trying to get all up in your business, Cori, but if you don’t ever have to dab on a little bit of Preparation H, then you must not be handling yourself in the bedroom—if you know what I mean.” Clayton winked in an overly confident way that suggested he knew more about how to cater to a man in a bedroom than I did, which I found offensive.
“No disrespect, Clayton. I don’t mean to be offensive because you know I’m not homophobic, but—”
“Here we go,” he said, rolling his eyes. “Let me brace myself for all the disrespect that’s about to come out of your mouth.”
“No, seriously. I’m all for gay rights, marriages, and everything, and you’re completely aware of that. But being a gay man, what would you know about sex between a heterosexual, married couple?”
“Oh, I know plenty,” he said smugly. “Every one of my lovers has been a so-called heterosexual man—and quite a few have been married.”
“Ew. I’m not talking about the fruity, down-low brothers. I mean, real, heterosexual men.”
“There’s no such thing as a real heterosexual man. All men either want their salad tossed or they want to toss someone else’s. Or both. But I’m a true-blue bottom; I don’t toss salads. I have a problem when a man wants me to pump dick into his ass. I’ll let him suck my privates, if he’s into that, but I won’t fuck my man in the ass.”
“That’s way too much information, Clayton. And it’s too early in the morning for me to be listening to the sordid details of your sex life. What kind of masculine man would want to suck a gay man’s dick?”
“Girl, plenty of ’em.”
The intern arrived with an oversized bowl of ice, and Clayton and I went silent. It seemed to take her longer than necessary to situate the bowl on the table beside me. Trying to make room for the large bowl of ice, she fiddled around with our teacups and the array of makeup that was spread out, rearranging the setup. Once she’d finally left and closed the door behind her, we resumed our conversation.
“Why do you think anal sex is sordid? It’s as normal as vaginal sex,” Clayton said, all up in his feelings, and sounding defensive.
“To each his own, but come on, Clayton. Be realistic. God gave women pussies for men to insert their dicks and procreate. It’s as simple as that. Now, I’m not knocking your lifestyle or anything, but you know damn well that the Lord gave you an ass to shit out of and He didn’t intend for you to turn it into a fuck-vessel.”
Clayton scrunched up his lips. “I can’t believe you’re such a narrow-minded, ignorant bitch. No disrespect,” he said snidely, mimicking the words I’d spoken earlier.
“You are seriously overstepping your boundaries, you Fruit Loop motherfucker,” I spat, lashing out at him for calling me a bitch.
He applauded theatrically. “Nice to know how you feel about gay people. Thanks for letting your true colors show.”
“I apologize for calling you a Fruit Loop, but you shouldn’t have called me out of my name, either.”
“True. I’ll give you a pass…this time. Truce?”
I nodded.
“All I’m saying is expand your mind. Sex isn’t supposed to simply be a way to procreate; it was also intended as an expression of love and a way to give and receive pleasure. You’re a prime example of that. No shade,” he quickly added. “You fuck your husband regularly, don’t you?”
“Yeah, and…?”
“Well, you two haven’t made any babies, yet. So you’re obviously not smashing to procreate. Look, you’re the one who tweeted about hiring a surrogate, so it’s not like I’m making a false statement.”
“Okay, you’re aware that I can’t have kids, aren’t you?”
“Yeah, I read something about it in the blogs.”
“I would carry Mav’s baby if I could,” I lied. “Under normal circumstances, a man and a woman are supposed to breed. But two men can’t do anything except play the roles of poop chute packers. No shade.”
“The male G-Spot is the prostate gland, which women don’t possess. Why would God give men such an intense pleasure center if we’re not supposed to use it? Wanna know what I think? I think men and women were supposed to procreate and make the Earth plentiful, but the purpose of two male lovers is to provide each other with the kind of extreme sexual pleasure that a woman could never give.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“Have you ever directly touched Maverick’s prostate?”
I scrunched up my face. “Hell, no!”
“Don’t knock it unless you’ve tried it. Believe me, he’ll thank you for it.” Again, Clayton winked, acting as if he knew something I didn’t know.
“I’m confused. If all men love getting dick rammed up their asses, and you claim to be a true-blue bottom, then how does your man get satisfied?”
“First of all, no pussy in the world can compete with a tight asshole, and secondly, I don’t have anything against giving my man a little tongue action, if you know what I mean.”
“Ew. You lick assholes?” I grabbed my cup of tea and covered the top with the palm of my hand. “I hope that intern didn’t mistakenly rearrange our teacups because I’m scared to drink after your nasty ass, now.”
“Girl, ain’t nothing wrong with my mouth.”
“So you say.” I contorted my face as I moved my cup far from Clayton’s reach.
Being overly sensitive, Clayton snatched up both cups of tea and stormed over to the washroom and poured out my super-expensive Pu-erh tea. I could hear him rinsing both cups out, swishing water around vigorously. He came out of the bathroom, drying one of the cups with a paper towel.
“Now, you don’t have to worry about catching anything from me. Would you like me to make you a fresh cup of tea in your sterile cup, your highness, or are you afraid you might catch something from my hands?”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
He put a hand on his hip. “Maybe you want to hire a new makeup artist, too. Someone you won’t be likely to catch any kind of diseases from.” His voice cracked, and I realized how badly I’d hurt and offended him.
“I’m sorry, Clayton. I took it too far.”
“You sure did, bitch,” he replied with a hint of a smile.
“Well, I’ll be careful to watch what I say around your sensitive ass from now on.”
“Since I keep my ass lubed up real good, it’s far from being sensitive, honey.” He gestured flamboyantly and burst out laughing, demonstrating that our little tiff was over.
• • •
With the competition narrowed down to only four contestants, I had much more free time than usual. I had finished taping my segment where I explained the next task to the contestants super early and had the rest of the day to myself.
Today the kids were participating in New York’s campaign against hunger and were cooking tasty meals at a community soup kitchen in the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of the city. Their task was to prepare my recipes in a heart-healthy and diabetes-friendly way, using only a fraction of the fat, sugar, and calories found in my classic Southern cuisine.
Their judges would be the impoverished souls who depended on the soup kitchen for sustenance. Azaria and Norris would be on hand to count the votes and declare which contestant had garnered the most votes. Lucky them! Azaria was always trying to outshine me and I wished her luck preening for the camera while inhaling the stench of the homeless. It wouldn’t be an easy feat.
I didn’t have to appear on camera again until tomorrow when another contestant would be sent packing. That someone was supposed to be Becca, but I didn’t think our female viewers (who were the majority) would appreciate seeing Becca kicked off the show. I needed to talk to Josh about keeping Becca around until the final two. I felt we needed to make it seem like our remaining female contestant at least stood a fighting chance.
Clearly, it was time for Angus, the racist skinhead to go home. I had no doubt that I could persuade Josh to agree to get rid of him next, instead of Becca.
For the finale, Josh wanted the pretty boy and the preacher to duke it out. He believed that Yancy’s quirky personality and Michelangelo’s dreamy looks would keep the viewers riveted. And that was probably true, but I had a personal vendetta against Michelangelo. How dare he jeopardize my unblemished reputation by pulling down my damn drawers while I was in an emotionally weakened state?
He had to go. If by some fluke, he ended up winning the competition, I would have to make appearances with him, promoting his ventures as well as promoting the show. I didn’t want to be tempted into any more intimate situations with that smooth-operating panty-peeler. I had enough problems in my life and couldn’t risk being accused of fooling around with a contestant.
I’d already made sure that Ralphie would keep his mouth shut by flying Ellie to Chicago to personally pay him off with cash. Ellie reported back that she had to twist his arm to get him to take the money. He didn’t feel that I owed him anything and said he was grateful for everything I’d already done for him.
It was a great relief to learn that he didn’t hold a grudge against me for allowing him to be sent home. I truly appreciated his loyalty.