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AROUND TWO, EMMA CAME to check on me, bringing me a couple bottles of water and an orange juice. Thirty or so minutes later, Amanda came by with a sandwich and some gossip about what Emma had been up to last night. Apparently, a group of the girls had gone to the pool rather early and met up with a couple of boys that weren’t with the baseball team. Not long after, Emma had disappeared for several hours, and when she returned was blushing, giggling, and wearing a T-shirt that looked suspiciously large on her.
While I wasn’t one much for gossip, it made me feel good to have them both check in on me to try to help keep me feeling included. Sometimes I wondered if I really fit in with them beyond the game, but days like this helped. At least I was cared about.
Weirdly, though, as the day went on and bled into the early evening, I still hadn’t heard from Gavin. Not even a text at this point. I wondered if he just felt weird about the whole situation and was avoiding me, or if he was just busy. I hadn’t seen the boys running around yet, so it was possible they were just having a long practice and Gavin hadn’t gotten free yet.
I was feeling a lot better, enough that I felt like maybe not wearing pajamas for a little while. I knew it was primarily a mental thing, but if I put on actual clothes, maybe I wouldn’t fall back into feeling like absolute crud when the sun went fully down.
The suitcase was a mess. I hadn’t really bothered to unpack since I had been sick on arrival and had instead just yanked things out of it at random when I needed them. Sighing, I started putting things away in the drawers, keeping out a pair of shorts and a T-shirt that I wanted to change into when I got done.
“Hot damn, Lila, did you bring anything other than pajamas?” I muttered to myself.
I had six shirts, two pairs of shorts, one pair of jeans, a dress, and a myriad of socks. The rest of the suitcase was either panties or pajamas. A lot of pajamas. Apparently, I was already thinking about getting rest when I was packing.
Shaking my head, I put everything away, then made my way to the bathroom to change. Strictly speaking, I had no reason for modesty. It was my room, and no one could just barge in. But years of intrusive parents who let me have almost no private space without locking doors and being prepared to yell if I heard jiggling on the handle left me wanting to double up on my privacy.
I caught sight of myself in the mirror as I changed shirts. For a tiny moment, I wondered what Gavin would say if he saw me like this. If he had happened to walk into my room and caught me just like this. Then I shook my head and tried to push those thoughts away. I knew how he would react. He would leave, embarrassed, and then make fun of me for it.
Because he was my friend. Nothing more.
Once changed, I went back into my room and tooled around on my phone for a bit while the television played local weather. As expected, it was supposed to be wonderful all week, perfect for sunbathing and playing baseball.
The hotel seemed much quieter than the night before. There weren’t tons of voices or people padding up and down the hallway like there had been. Apparently, everyone had gotten their partying out of their system, at least for now. The silence likely wouldn’t last all the way to the end of the week.
I found myself flipping back to my messenger app, convinced that if I refreshed it, a new message would show up. One from Gavin, probably complaining about Star and how dumb she was being. Or checking in on me. Or talking about baseball. Something.
But nothing had come in yet, and it was starting to bug me. A lot. Enough that finally, I decided I needed to do something about it or I would spend the rest of the night worrying about it. I needed to make sure he was cool and our friendship was still fine.
Putting on socks but not bothering with shoes, I grabbed my door key card and stuffed it in my bra. The gym shorts were sans-pockets, one of the many issues I tended to have with clothes in general. There were never enough pockets. At least for my clothes. Guys seemed to have pockets to spare.
Slipping out of my room, I waited to see if there was going to be company, anyone to question me as to where I was going. When no one came out of their door, jogging over to pepper me with questions like an old-timey reporter in a Superman movie, I went to the stairwell and went up the flight of stairs to the boys’ floor.
Perhaps I overestimated how good I felt, because as I reached the top step, I had to stop for a moment. By tomorrow, I should feel normal, I told myself, but today, maybe I use elevators.
I opened the door to the boys’ floor, noting that it was as quiet as the one below. The boys were apparently working out their own hangovers alone in their rooms too. Part of me felt like I had missed out a bit on the fun, but at the same time, if I had the choice of partying with Emma or hanging out with Gavin...
Gavin had kind of told me which room he was in when he came over, saying it was directly above mine and one over, so I went to the door to the left of the one above me and let out a breath. If it wasn’t his room, then it meant he was in the one on the other side. But if it wasn’t his room and someone answered, it would let some of his teammates know I was coming to his room, so I kind of hoped I was making the right guess.
I knocked.
There was silence on the other side.
I waited a moment and knocked again, thinking that if no one answered, maybe I should try the door on the other side. Maybe the person inside this one who wasn’t Gavin took a look through the peephole, saw the sick girl from the softball team, and decided to leave me waiting.
I was about to give up and move to the next room when the door beside me opened. Kevin’s head popped out, looking left and then right at me. I smiled, and his giant bear grin took up his whole face.
“Well, hey there, Lila,” he said. “Looks like you’re feeling a bit better.”
“I am,” I said. “Last couple of days have kicked my ass, but I’m finally feeling a bit more like a human being.” I paused and glanced at the still unopened door I had been knocking on. “Um, do you know, is this Gavin’s room or is it the one on the other side? I forgot which one he said it was.”
“No, you had the right room,” Kevin said.
“Oh, I was just coming by to thank him for checking in on me yesterday,” I said, speaking probably entirely too fast. I was overexplaining. I needed to peel back, but I felt like I couldn’t stuff the words back in my mouth fast enough. “He was just really nice to do that, and I wanted to check in with him.”
“Well, that’s too bad,” Kevin said. “You missed him. He took off.”
“What?”
“Yeah, he left an hour or two ago. Didn’t even say goodbye or anything. Someone said he might have gone home, but I don’t know if they actually talked to him.”
“Oh, anyone know why?”
Kevin shrugged.
“Maybe he caught a bug or something,” he said, then his face dropped a little as he noticed my shoulders slump. “I mean, he could have caught it from anywhere, Lila. I’m not insinuating he got something from you. It’s just it’s not like him to bail like that.”
“I see,” I said.
“He usually texts me if he’s going to go somewhere,” Kevin continued. “If he was just going out for a burger or something, I think I’d know. I tried texting him twice, but he hasn’t answered. But, I mean, it’s only been an hour or two. He could just be out doing something. I don’t know if I believe all that about him going home.”
“I just hope I didn’t get him sick,” I said, my voice sounding far away. My mind was racing, but I had to keep from letting on the true thoughts in my head. Not in front of Kevin.
“Well, I wouldn’t stress about it,” he said. “Gavin’s a big boy. If he came over and got sick, then that’s on him, not you.” He stepped out of his room a bit more, keeping his foot in the door so it didn’t close behind him. “Don’t worry about it. I’m sure he’ll turn up sooner or later. Do you want me to let you know if he texts me?”
“Oh, no, that’s okay,” I said, trying to fake the cheery smile of someone that isn’t wildly concerned and desperately wants to know immediately if he messages him back. “I’m sure I’ll see him when he gets back at some point. If you could just tell him I came by to thank him for checking in on me. I’m doing that with everyone that came by or brought me something.”
“Sure,” Kevin said. “I’d have brought you something if I had known.”
He looked sad, and I had the impulse to hug him. Kevin, despite being such a big man, was extremely sensitive and sweet. It was a shame he didn’t have someone, but at the same time, he seemed awfully content on his own.
“I appreciate that,” I said. “I was overwhelmed with everything people brought me. I’m good. Just let Gavin know I came by if you see him, if you could.”
“Of course,” he said. “Good night, Lila.”
“Good night, Kevin.”
Smiling, he closed the door, slipping back inside to what sounded like soft music and the hint of something spicy and warm. There was a curry place down the street from the hotel, and I got the faintest whiff of a smell that reminded me of it. Lucky Kevin, I thought. I could go for a good curry.
As I walked to the elevator, though, my thoughts went back to Gavin. If he’d left that suddenly, he probably had a reason. And it probably was me. One way or the other, I was likely the reason he’d left.
I felt horrible about it.
What if I had gotten him sick? This tournament was so important to him, he had talked about it a lot over the last few weeks. He was going to be seen by a few other scouts during it, and it was the culmination of a lot of hard work over the winter to get ready for it. If I got him sick by having him cuddle with me in the bed and breathing my germs onto him, I would feel terrible about the opportunity that I’d ruined.
Kevin had said not to worry, that if Gavin got sick, it was his own fault, but how could I really believe that? Gavin didn’t have to spend that much time with me, but he felt obligated to as my friend. I really should have been more forceful about making him leave so he could get rest and prepare for the games.
Of course, there was the other possibility too. A worse one. That somehow, he was so embarrassed about what he did, about how we were so familiar with each other as we hung out, that he just left. That either he chose to not stay at the hotel or he simply went home. Somewhere far away from me.
It felt like a dark cloud was hanging over my head by the time I got back to my room and opened the door. Before I could even close it behind me, tears were stinging the corners of my eyes. How could I be so stupid? How could I even let myself fantasize about him, when just hanging out with me while I was sick made him run away in embarrassment? Or shame.
Or both.
My eyes fell on the bag of games that he had brought over, including the plastic cup with the dice in it. Angrily, I picked them up, shoving them all into a small ball in the bag and then tossing them in a drawer. I didn’t want to look at them. I didn’t want to think about him. I needed to get him out of my mind, get some rest, and go play softball tomorrow. Like I was here to do.
And I needed to leave Gavin alone.
