| |
––––––––
WHEN I WOKE UP AND realized that yet again I was alone, my first thought was to be hurt by it. He did it again. He left in the middle of the night.
But as I sat up, I realized that this time couldn’t be too much like the others. For one, his clothes were still here. And the door was still open, something stuck in the latch to keep it from closing all the way. The room didn’t feel as empty as it felt pensive. Waiting. Like the room itself was holding its breath. He might not be in there, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t coming back.
Rubbing my eyes and cracking my neck, I tried to get my foot back to life by stomping it a few times. I had fallen to sleep in an awkward position on the couch, and my left foot had borne the worst of it. It fit my normal motif. I was so clumsy I could hurt myself sleeping.
Deciding not to let myself sink into the idea that he was disappearing like he had last time, I yawned and tried to decide what to do. I could wait, though with the lights out and the cracked window letting in the sound of the ocean, that was a recipe for falling asleep again. I could see if he went back to his own room, which would make sense, since he was without most of his other stuff.
Or I could do what I was almost positive he had done. Go down to the beach to think.
As a matter of fact, when I stood, I peeked out of the window and saw a shape on the sand, just by the water, that looked an awful lot like Gavin. Whoever it was, they were sitting out there shirtless.
A fast-moving and electric feeling ran up my spine, and I shuddered.
The heat from outside was in constant combat with the air conditioner, so I went ahead and closed the window, moving to the mirror above the dresser and looking at my reflection.
I was about to do something that was potentially very stupid.
And I was thrilled.
I brushed my hair back into a ponytail and grabbed my room key cards. I was going to go out there and give him one of them, if he wanted it. And either we were going to come back to the room together, he was going to take the room key and go to his room to gather things, or I was going to be very sad when I got back. But either way, the room didn’t need to be propped open anymore. I let it shut with a click as I walked out into the hallway and down to the stairwell.
Before I got to the door leading out of the main floor to the beach, I looked around to see if anyone was up and watching. Aside from the clerk at checkout, who was highly engrossed in his phone at the moment, no one was around. Part of me didn’t care if they had been. At this point, if people thought something... well... let them think.
I was just going to talk to him. If people got the wrong idea, then it would all be cleared up soon enough. Or if they got the right idea... well, that would be cleared up too.
But the thing was, Gavin had had a really tough night. As much as my own inner turmoil suggested that maybe now was the time to profess that my feelings had gone way past being his wingman, the truth was, it wasn’t likely the time or place. Star wasn’t around and couldn’t defend herself. Gavin had literally been beaten up defending himself and me from three men. He had bruises and cuts, and his shoulder was a mess. He was dealing with the possibility that his entire career might be in jeopardy because his parents were apparently lowlifes.
Now wasn’t the time for me and him to hash out what all the longing looks, the close dancing, and the almost kiss were about.
Unless he wanted to talk about it.
I was bringing him a key to my room. One that I wanted him to keep. It implied that I wasn’t just making sure he got back in tonight safely, but that I was willing to have him in my room whenever he wanted.
For whatever reason he wanted.
I could rationalize it away, lie to myself about how I was just looking out for his well-being and safety. I could try to make it seem more like I was just being a really good friend. But I knew the truth, deep down. If he was really done with Star, and I thought he was, then I didn’t want to take the chance on him not knowing exactly how I felt about him.
Crossing the sand, I had no doubt that the figure by the water was Gavin. I could not only see the easily recognizable frame outlined against the moonlight reflecting off the water, but the cut that ran across his shoulder and back that was still healing. It shone in the light. Something that would likely remind him of tonight for weeks to come as it healed. Whether he wanted to remember it or not.
The sand was still warm on my toes as I neared him. The night was still hot and stuffy, but there were no clouds above us. No threat of rain. Just a rolling ocean and above it, a black, starry sky. A white, bright moon hung high as well, and as I glanced up, a star fell. I felt myself hold my breath in as I frantically made a wish.
Gavin turned his head, noticing me as I got closer, and I stopped. My heart was thumping so loudly in my chest I was sure he could hear it over the roar of the ocean. He was gazing at me through a swollen eye and a bruised body that still was as attractive as it always had been. I found myself wanting to kiss his bruises, to soothe them.
To hold him.
He stood, and my heart went from thumping in my chest to hammering in my throat. I couldn’t swallow. The salty sea breeze blew errant strands of hair across my face as I stuttered for some semblance of control. It was like I was pulled toward him, almost as if there were giant magnets in our chests.
The smoldering, deep stare coming from his eyes locked on to mine, and I felt frozen in the heat. I could no more move a muscle voluntarily than I could have lifted a car. Yet I was still walking. Still closing the gap between us. And I was getting faster.
We were almost running when we got within feet of each other and slowed down. But not stopped.
Our bodies met each other in the sand, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My eyes were focused solely on his and his on mine. Slowly, he closed the last little bit of space between us, and our bodies brushed against each other. I could feel the hard, sculpted chest against my breasts, and the heart pumping beneath was slamming against my ribcage like a jackhammer.
His breath fell on mine, and while mine was coming out in stuttering whisps, his was low and slow. Calm. Collected. In control. However long I had thought about a moment like this, it was as if he had thought more. He was prepared. Or at least unconcerned, and not in a nonchalant way. But in the way of someone who knows what is about to happen.
And is completely okay with it.
“I...” I began, looking into his face, a mask of emotion and pain and swelling. The words fell away like loose sand under our feet, washing into the ocean.
A wave crashed below, several feet away, and a rush of water ran up over our toes. It was cold and bracing, and it should have snapped me out of any trance I was in, any spell that had me thinking abnormally.
But there was no breaking this moment. There was no changing the future. What was going to happen was going to happen regardless of if Mother Earth tried to swallow us whole right then and there. If an earthquake broke out between us, I had no doubt he would hold the world together in his hands until our moment had climaxed.
Until...
“I...” I tried again.
Gavin lifted his hand and placed one finger on my lips. Gently touching them, depressing them with the weight of his skin. I felt like taking it into my mouth, just to taste him. But my mind was locked, unable to think or do. Just the knowledge that a part of him was pressing against my lips was enough to weaken my knees and end the thousand different thoughts in my mind and replace them with a million new ones. Thoughts about if anything else would touch my lips and when and how, and for how long?
Slowly, he reached down with his other hand and stuffed it into his pocket. I forced myself to break his eye contact and look away from its commanding, intoxicating gaze. The world swirled with my eyes, like I was drunk. Colors mixed together, and motion seemed to blur. It was like I had stared at a light for too long and then looked at something dark. Perhaps I had.
He struggled for a second to pull whatever he was getting out, and I realized it was his phone as he nearly dropped it. Catching it, he brought it up to show me the home screen. Then he hit a button and pulled something up. When he turned the phone again, my throat caught. It was the message thread with Star.
He smirked, and I felt like my body might melt there on the sand. He pulled the phone back to him and began typing, stopping for a moment and looking away as he seemed to be looking for the right words. Then he finished and breathed deeply through his nose. My fingers tingled, and my head felt light. I realized I hadn’t let out a breath or taken one in for a while.
I wanted to speak, to say something. Panic was running through my body and making my mind go a million directions at once. I felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, teetering over and looking down into a sea of clouds. What was below them I didn’t know. It could be jagged rocks of heartache and sorrow. Or the warm, thick pool of hope and decadence.
Part of me wanted him to stop. To wait. To talk before he said anything to her. What would I do if he said what I thought he would say? How would she take it? Our friendship would be ruined.
But another part of me, a part of me that longed to not be the big girl who shook the plates in the cabinet and looked like someone edited had a giant into photos of Star and me together, that part of me didn’t. That part of me was screaming that this was the man of my dreams. Of anyone’s dreams. And that Star didn’t want him. She didn’t want anyone or anything. She was Star. She took life as it came, and this was just another blip. But that I deserved happiness. I deserved to have what I wanted, regardless of if Star wanted it too.
It might nuke our relationship. She might throw me out, and I would have to find somewhere else to live. Our wonderful apartment would belong to her, and her rich father would pay for it. I would probably end up on the other side of campus in the tiny places.
Near Gavin.
It wouldn’t be so bad, really. To be on my own. Not that I would be alone.
The fear and the hope and the wonder of if any of that would actually happen were warring in my brain. It was just as likely that Star would shrug at any news of Gavin and me and move on like nothing had changed. Because to her, nothing ever did. All that mattered to Star was what Star did. What Star wanted. And if she didn’t want Gavin, then she wouldn’t care.
But I cared. And Gavin cared. And as he hit the send button on his message, his eyes floated back to mine, and I could see that while all that care was still there, it had changed. No longer did he care because he wanted her. Because he lusted for her or crushed on her or whatever feelings he once had for her. But because he had empathy.
He didn’t want to hurt her.
But with that message, a message that he was turning the phone so I could see, he was telling her that if it was a choice between her happiness and his own, he was going to choose himself.
He was going to choose me.
The screen was too bright in the darkness, and it kind of hurt my eyes to look. I read it and re-read it, not really comprehending it at first. My brain just didn’t want to process it because it didn’t feel real. It couldn’t actually be true.
Nothing that good ever happened to me.
“I think we should see other people,” the message read.
His finger was still pressed against my lip, though lightly. It was barely there, pushing the gentlest touch against me. But as he pulled the phone back and stuffed it in his pocket, he let go. I rocked gently, almost moving toward him just to feel his touch again.
But he didn’t let me fall. He was right there, his strong body, so beaten from the fight and yet still so resilient, held me up. And as I parted my lips, his own dipped down toward them.
This time there was no one to bump into us.
This time there was no one to stop us.
This time, I sank into the moment, touching my lips to his and feeling more powerful than the sea as it crashed another wave and sent another pool of cold water over our feet. It was like it was waking me up to a new reality.
I kissed him back.
