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Though the sun threatened to make an appearance in the noonday sky, the crisp, cold air was true to the season. Nina tightened her black coat around her waist, following the gravel path through the cemetery. One hand clutched the paper bag of white lilies, and the other held a crumpled tissue.
Nina nodded to an elderly woman carrying a bouquet of flowers who crossed her path. At least two dozen other people milled about. Nina only came on Saturdays, and some were busier than others, depending on if there were funerals or not. She didn’t choose the day because of convenience, though. She chose it because her brother had chosen to take his own life that day. “My mind can finally rest,” his suicide note had said.
Nina still couldn’t help blaming God. The most devout person she had known, Isaiah had told his pastor and the prayer team about his depression. They told him that he needed to pray more, convinced that God would take the burden away from him. Others said he needed to think positive thoughts and stop bringing the depression on himself. But everyone said God would heal him if he had enough faith. Nina had taken the practical route—told him to get on medication, and it would make everything better. He had, but it hadn’t. Apparently, they had all been wrong.
Nina shivered, not sure whether to blame the temperature or the memory. When she got to her brother’s grave, she stopped in her tracks. An unopened bottle of Hennessy and a picture rested against the tombstone. She picked it up. The air left her lungs, and she struggled to breathe. “Miss you, Zay,” was written on the picture in Damien’s handwriting. She slowly circled, searching the cemetery for Damien. Her mom had mentioned a few months ago that he had moved back to the area. But he was nowhere in sight. She’d missed him and wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.
The picture captured Isaiah, Nina, and Damien at Isaiah’s twenty-fifth birthday party. They’d celebrated with a group of friends at a club in Oakland. She could almost hear the thumping music and taste the Hennessy they’d all been drinking. It’d been the first time Isaiah had seen her drink cognac, and he’d questioned if she should be drinking something light and fruity instead. She’d retorted that she’d never been the light and fruity type, which had caused Isaiah and Damien to burst into laughter.
At the time, Nina had left out the fact that the only reason she’d started drinking Hennessey was because Isaiah did, just like she’d only majored in computer science because he did. It had nothing to do with competition—more like that saying that imitation is the highest form of flattery. That was what hurt the most. He’d taken a road that, however tempting at times, she simply couldn’t follow because of its aftermath. Her family, especially her children, didn’t deserve the hell she’d gone through since Isaiah’s death.
She knelt down and placed her lilies next to the bottle of Hennessey and picture. Tears streamed down her face. She would do anything to have her brother and Damien back. That brief excitement at the prospect of seeing Damien contrasted sharply with the dread she felt around Rodney lately. In spite of all her efforts, their marriage continued to deteriorate, and the way Rodney treated her was becoming unbearable. She’d been so convinced that reconciling with him would return her life to normal, but it seemed things could never go back to the way they were.
She wiped away her tears, stood, and headed back to her car. Though she couldn’t turn back time and prevent her brother’s death, she had some serious thinking to do about the direction of her future and if she really wanted Rodney to be in it.
***
NINA LOUNGED ON THE couch, gulping down her evening cup of tea and trying her best to stay awake a couple more hours until bedtime. When she had returned home from the cemetery, she’d shocked the three kids by digging out an old box full of board games from the basement and declaring that electronic devices were banned for the next twenty-four hours. After all, kids needed to do things other than stare at screens and play videogames all the time. The announcement had caused whining and groans from the girls, and something like convulsions with a few fist pounds from Miles, who ate, drank, and slept with his PlayStation. But once Nina set up Operation and explained the rules, they’d settled into a game with all forgiven.
The buzzer rang. “Oh, man!” Miles said.
“It’s okay.” Laila grabbed the tweezers.
With her two daughters and Miles playing together, Nina couldn’t help thinking about her, Isaiah, and Damien and the moment their trio had begun to separate the summer before the boys’ last year of high school. An oppressive sadness had enveloped Nina whenever she imagined them graduating a year before her. To make it even worse, they both kept threatening to apply to colleges out of state, and she had no idea what she’d do if she were left at home with her mom.
“Let’s do something fun,” Isaiah had shouted over the noise from the fan. Though they were in the basement—the coolest room in the house—the Bay Area was in the middle of a heat wave, and the temperatures had hit the hundred-degree mark every day the past week.
“What you got in mind?” Damien straightened in the beanbag he chilled on, a smile playing on his lips, looking finer than ever.
“It’s crazy hot. So...let’s go swimming.” Isaiah threw a dart at the dartboard, hitting the bull’s-eye.
“Zay, it’s ten o’clock at night. No pools are open,” Nina said, always the voice of reason.
Isaiah laughed. “That’s what makes my idea even more brilliant.”
“What’s the plan?” Damien asked eagerly.
“That girl in my class, Kaila, lives in the apartment complex a couple of blocks over, and they have this pool you would not believe. So the plan is that we hop the fence, take a dip, and come back.” Isaiah made it sound so easy.
“Brilliant idea.” Damien rose from the beanbag, as much of a thrill seeker as Isaiah. “Got some swim shorts I can borrow?”
“Wait.” Nina stood up, shaking her head. “That’s a brilliant idea until the police arrest us for trespassing. No way.”
“Oh, come on, sis. Live a little.”
“Yeah, sis,” Damien teased. “Live a little.”
“Nope.” Nina hated when Damien mockingly called her sis. Though neither of the guys knew it, Nina’s feelings for Damien had been changing from platonic to something more. She felt weird, though, because he was like a brother. Nina couldn’t help being jealous of the various girlfriends he’d accumulated over the past few months. Ever since his voice had deepened, he’d sprouted to six feet, and he’d grown a little goatee. She’d never admit it, though, for fear of being rejected and ruining their friendships.
Damien playfully punched her shoulder. “We can’t have fun without you.”
“Puh-lease.” Isaiah comically knelt to mock beg.
And like usual, Nina ended up going. She couldn’t say no to them. When they arrived at the Wood Bridge apartment complex, they’d all stopped and hesitated.
“Follow me,” Isaiah encouraged.
And they had. Nina and Damien always followed Isaiah, even when he led them off the deep end... literally. They hopped the fence, then the three of them splashed into the pool. Whether it was the thrill of doing something forbidden, the reprieve from the heat, or just being together, they’d never had so much fun.
After, Isaiah left the pool. “I’m going to make sure the coast is clear.”
Damien got out next. He leaned down and extended his hand, helping Nina out of the pool. He leaned in and kissed her on the lips, the most thrilling sensation she’d ever felt. He strutted off as if nothing had happened, and she trailed after him. But for the first time, she followed after Damien—not her brother. For the longest time, Nina couldn’t decide if she’d made up the kiss.
The buzzer rang again, and the kids all squealed. Bree snatched the tweezers from Laila. “My turn.”
Rodney appeared in the living room, dressed in jeans, a nice shirt, and a blazer. “I’m heading out for a beer.”
“Oh. Who are you meeting up with?” Nina didn’t remember Rodney mentioning he had plans for the evening, but she could have simply forgotten.
“I need some space, Nina. I’m not sure how long I’ll be out. Don’t wait up. Bye, girls. Bye, Miles. Be good.”
“Bye,” the kids replied.
After Rodney left, Nina kicked her feet up and relaxed on the couch. An evening without Rodney or his attitude would actually be nice. Changes definitely had to be made in Nina’s life, and a few quiet hours to herself would be the perfect way to plot exactly what had to be done.