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A hard knock on Nina’s hospital door startled her. “Who is it?” she called from her bed.
“It’s me,” her dad’s voice called.
Nina swung her legs around and got up slowly. Her whole body ached from the car accident, including her forehead, which now had ten stitches. She opened the door. “Dad?”
“Yep. And Damien,” her dad said with a worried smile.
Nina eyed Damien, who grinned hesitantly at her, like he didn’t know if he’d be allowed in. A white bandage peeked out from beneath his hospital gown, and his left arm hugged his chest, but he didn’t seem upset by the pain. She grew self-conscious about her own hospital gown. She must look horrible. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Damien said.
She hugged her dad tightly and didn’t want to ever let go. “Thanks for coming.”
He hugged her back. “Are you going to let us in?”
“Of course. Come on in.” Nina gestured for them to take the two empty chairs. Perching on the edge of the bed, she covered her head with her hoodie.
“Damien and I wanted to make sure you’re okay, that you’re thinking more clearly,” her dad said.
Nina had never been more confused. “I’m sorry. I couldn’t keep it together anymore. I don’t know what’s going on, Dad.”
“Don’t apologize. None of this is your fault,” her dad said.
Nina tugged her sweatshirt’s sleeves into her palms and cast her eyes down to her hands. “How is it not my fault?”
Her dad leaned toward her in his chair. “People have all sorts of different health conditions. You have one that affects your mind. That doesn’t make it any better or any worse than a chronic illness like diabetes. On top of that, someone really has been following you and hit Damien’s car. No wonder you’re confused.”
“Our main question is, do you still think you did... that?” Damien asked.
Silence filled the room. Nina walked to the window and drew back the curtains. The sun had set, and a bird was perched not too far away on a tree branch. Somehow, it’d weathered the storm. There were two ways for Nina to answer: tell them what they wanted to hear or tell them the truth, which was that she had no idea what the hell was going on. After finding sandbags in the comforter and the strange conversation with Deja in the park, she honestly didn’t know if she’d killed Kevin or made the whole thing up. She’d been focused on getting Deja the remaining money, but she wasn’t even sure if that was needed anymore. Nothing made sense.
She returned to the bed, and her legs dangled over the side. She glanced at her dad and Damien. Nina hated to see the sorrow in her dad’s eyes. He’d already lost a son and, for all intents and purposes, a wife, so she didn’t want to devastate him further. “No. I don’t think that anymore.”
Nina’s dad let out a loud sigh. “Good. That’s my girl.”
Nina forced a smile. “I’m going to be all right, Dad. I promise.”
“I appreciate you saying that, but I’m still very worried. Isaiah had said he would be okay too. Remember, we’d all gotten together the Saturday before? You, me, Damien, Isaiah, and Mom?”
Nina didn’t want to remember.
“We’d all been at home barbequing—”
“Dad, I don’t—” Nina clenched her hands.
“You and Isaiah were joking around about high school and remembering the days when you were on the basketball team and he was president of the African-American Students Association. You said he had been a good president and had planned a lot of educational and fun activities. And he joked that you used to score the game-winning shots from the bench.”
Nina glanced at Damien, whose eyes glistened with tears. She held up her hand. “Please stop talking about—”
“Then we brought out the karaoke machine, and you and Isaiah did a duo of that song. The one by Michael Jackson and Janet Jackson. Scream? I hadn’t seen Isaiah with that much energy in months, if not years. He’d been so depressed, like the life just seeped out of him and—”
“Dad!” Nina stood. “I can’t do this. I can’t talk about Isaiah.”
“Nina.” Damien touched Nina’s arm. “Dr. Austin thinks you might need closure. She thinks that you still have guilt from not being there when Isaiah died, so you’ve created this story about killing this man. It’s not your fault.”
“It is my fault!” Nina’s voice bounced around the small room. She lowered it to a whisper. “I should have known. He said he was having trouble, and we were supposed to spend the day together. But I cancelled. If I had spent the day with him, he’d still be here.” Nina’s chest heaved up and down, and her heart pounded.
A tear slipped down Damien’s cheek. He shared the same guilt.
Her dad tried to hug her. “It’s not your fault, Nina.”
Nina pushed him away. “It is.”
“No, honey. No, it’s not. Please, believe me,” her dad said.
Nina couldn’t. “If I had just been with him, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“He suffered terribly from depression. We all did the best that we could do. We can’t blame ourselves,” her dad said.
Nina stared her dad down. “I’m glad you feel that way. You shouldn’t blame yourself. But I don’t deserve that consolation.” She turned her back to him. “Please. Leave.”
“Nina—”
She walked back to the window. Another bird had joined the other, and two were now perched on the branch. “Please, both of you leave me alone. I want to be alone!”
When the door to the room closed, she turned toward it. Damien still sat in the chair. Nina didn’t trust herself with him. “I’m an absolute mess. I hate that you’re seeing all this.”
Damien half smiled. “Remember our vacation in Cancun when you got Montezuma’s revenge? Now that was a sight.”
That trip felt like a lifetime ago. “I’m a crazy person now.”
“No.” Damien shook his head. “You might have had a breakdown, but you’re not a crazy person. There’s a difference. Many people with mental illness can get better and live productive lives. Don’t let a diagnosis define you.”
Nina didn’t know what to say. Everyone did certainly define her by her breakdown, like who she had been and what she had previously accomplished had been superseded by her illness. “I still don’t know exactly what happened. We had been given a big project at work, so I had to work a lot—over sixty hours a week. It was hard and stressful, not to mention I had two young daughters to take care of.” Tears came to Nina’s eyes. “The stress was suffocating. I started having trouble sleeping. I barely ate. Then these thoughts came.”
Damien nodded. “It’s okay. You can tell me.”
“I started believing these really bizarre things were going on. I thought people were spying on me—listening to my conversations at work and reading my emails. Then it morphed into people even being able to read my thoughts. I was paranoid that everyone was out to get me, and one morning I just snapped. I hadn’t gone to sleep, and in the middle of the night, Rodney walked in on me ripping all the electrical cords out of the sockets. He asked me what I was doing, and I thought he was in on it. I ran to the kitchen and got a knife to protect myself. He locked himself in our daughters’ room and called the police. I just... I lost it.” Nina shuddered. She hated remembering her breakdown, but she had always been able to tell Damien anything, and she needed to let him know what she’d been through. “It got so bad that—”
Damien touched Nina’s hand. “I understand. You don’t have to go into how bad it got. You’re not there anymore. And with all you’re doing—the medication, psychiatrist, and therapist—I don’t think you’ll ever get there again.”
Damien had such compassion in his eyes that Nina had to look away. “Thank you.” It meant the world to her that he didn’t seem to judge her.
“You have to believe that you can be healthy again. I want to help you get there.”
“Damien, I nearly got you killed today. I’m like some type of horrible, cursed person. You shouldn’t be anywhere near me.” She didn’t mention that Rodney probably wouldn’t go for it either because the truth was she didn’t care what her husband wanted in that moment. She only cared about protecting Damien.
Damien shook his head. “You’re not a horrible, cursed person. A little dramatic, but none of those things.”
Nina closed her eyes tight. “Please. Just leave.” She could sense Damien rising in his chair. She’d be alone again. It was for the better.
Warm arms embraced her. “I’m not going anywhere,” Damien whispered. “We’re going to help you.”
“But I don’t know—”
“Shh, Nina. All you need to know is that I’m here.”
Nina rested into his embrace. It couldn’t last, but for now, she needed him.