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Nina opened her hospital door, expecting to see either her dad or Dr. Austin. Though they’d seemed placated by Nina and Deja’s fabrications, she feared one or both of them had more questions she wouldn’t be able to answer. Instead, Damien stood outside her door with a bag of fast food.
“How’s it going, Miss Popularity? You’ve had visitors all day while I’ve been in my room all by my lonesome.” His smile gave away his playfulness.
Nina couldn’t help smiling back. She’d wanted to go next door to see him, but it was in everyone’s best interest that she didn’t. “Hey, Damien.”
He held up the brown bag. “I called in delivery. Do you still like chicken strips?”
Since Rodney watched both their weights closely, Nina usually skipped fast food altogether. Now wasn’t a good time to indulge.
“Oh, come on,” Damien said. “I hope you haven’t turned into one of those women who worries obsessively about their weight, because you still look great.”
Nina held up her palm. “Damien, look at me. I look horrible.”
“You were always too hard on yourself. Can I come in?” Damien nodded in the direction of her room.
Nina stepped aside. “Sure. Thanks for bringing food.” She closed the door behind him. Maybe allowing herself some junk food just this once wouldn’t hurt.
They sat on Nina’s bed, and Damien divvied out fries, chicken strips for her, and a burger for him. Nina still couldn’t believe she found herself in the same room with him. But then again, she didn’t know what to believe anymore. A thought crossed her mind: could she be making him up, and he was like a Sixth Sense-type of apparition? Her hand reached toward him and touched his two-day-old stubble.
Damien brought his hand to hers. “Nina?”
“I wanted to make sure you’re real.” Embarrassed, she pulled her hand away.
“Of course I’m real. I’m here for you. Unless you ask me to leave, that’s not going to change.” Damien munched on a fry.
Nina’s mouth watered after her first bite of the perfectly salty, juicy chicken. She had forgotten how good fried chicken strips tasted. “I guess I still like these.”
Damien placed his burger in its container. “You’ve been through a lot since Zay... I wish you wouldn’t have moved and stopped accepting my calls. I wish I could have been there for you then. I feel as bad as you do about what happened, but I don’t think he would have blamed us. He loved us, and he would have liked for us to be happy.”
Nina finished chewing. “I could have saved his life. I couldn’t be happy knowing he died alone and miserable.”
Damien sighed. “It was like all three of us died. Zay was gone, and you’d left me. So I wasn’t even really alive either.”
Nina hung her head. She had thought about Damien constantly. He and Isaiah still occupied a large portion of her mind to this day. Not having them tormented her, like her heart was held in a prison, locked away from all civilization. But it had always been her suffering. She’d never imagined what ending their engagement and shutting Damien out of her life had done to him. “I’m sorry.”
“When I’d found out from your parents that you were marrying somebody else, I almost ended up like Zay.” Damien’s eyes turned glassy. He retrieved his hamburger and continued eating.
Nina’s heart broke for Damien. She didn’t think she’d survive if she ever found out he planned to marry someone else. She’d met Rodney six months after Isaiah’s suicide, and she’d been an open wound. Rodney was a distraction. Egotistical, self-centered, borderline obsessive-compulsive—he was everything that Damien and Zay weren’t. She’d said yes to marrying him because she thought finally, she’d found a way to repay the guilt for the rest of her life. She couldn’t voice this to Damien, though. Admitting the truth would be a betrayal of her husband. “I’m sorry things had to happen the way they did.”
“I am too.”
They settled into silence as they ate.
When they were finished, Damien wiped his mouth with a napkin. “Do you love Rodney?”
Nina’s breath caught in her throat. Of course, she told herself she loved Rodney. He was her husband, after all. But if she really considered it, she didn’t even know what the word love meant anymore. She’d devoted her life to him and to raising their daughters. She certainly loved Bree and Laila with everything she had. But if Damian meant romantic love like a reciprocal feeling two people had for each other, she wasn’t so sure. She’d come closest to feeling that way the last few days, but her head and heart had been all over the place. Neither could be trusted.
Damien leaned toward Nina. He reached his hand behind her head and gently pulled her toward him. The man she truly loved and had never stopped wanting was right in front of her. Everything she longed for suddenly seemed attainable again.
When their lips were just a breath apart, Nina pulled back. “Rodney’s my husband... to answer your question.”
Damien leaned back. “Right. I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry. That I hurt you. That you got caught up in this mess. And now that you’re in the hospital. But that’s what I do. I hurt people. I think you should go now.”
“Don’t say that,” Damien said. “The Nina I know, the Nina I love, would never have hurt anyone. I miss that Nina.”
“She died with Zay.” Nina stood, gathering the food containers and napkins before tossing them into the trash. “Please, leave and don’t look back. I’ll only hurt you.”
Damien placed his hand on his chest. “My ribs are bruised and whatnot, but they’re discharging me from the hospital today. I’m going to be fine. That’s why I stopped by, to say bye but hopefully open a door to a new friendship.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Her willpower wasn’t that strong, and she couldn’t torture herself being in his life without a relationship.
Damien reached into his pocket. Hand in a fist, he extended it toward Nina, staring into her eyes. “Heads, we can begin a new friendship. Tails, I leave you alone.”
Damien held a quarter between his thumb and pointer finger. He tossed it into the air.
Before it landed in his open palm, Nina intercepted it. “Get out.”
Damien drew a breath like he’d been punched in the stomach. Tears filled his eyes. “Got it.” He slowly walked to the door. He stopped and looked at Nina. “I never changed my number. If you ever need anything, please, call me.” He recited his number, though Nina hadn’t forgotten it. There must have been close to a million times she’d dialed those numbers before forcing herself to hang up. She probably wouldn’t forget his number, just like she couldn’t forget him. Then he was gone.
Nina laid her head on the pillow and cried. Whichever way the toss would have gone, she couldn’t take the chance of letting him into her heart again. She could almost feel his lips against hers. Every fiber of her being craved that sensation. Though it had been several years, she could clearly remember the last time their lips had met. It had been the day that they’d buried Isaiah.
The funeral had been on a Sunday, one week and a day after Isaiah had taken his own life. It had rained all Saturday, but the next morning, the rain had ceased, and the sun had come out. Someone else might have taken it as a sign that everything would be okay. But Nina had cursed the sun. If her brother would be buried deep in the ground and never see the light of day again, the sun shouldn’t be able to shine either.
Getting out of bed that morning had been nearly impossible. Her dad had taken care of all the funeral arrangements, and all Nina had to do was show up. But the simple tasks of washing her face, brushing her teeth, getting dressed, and applying makeup might as well have been climbing a mountain.
She had to show up for Isaiah. She’d dragged herself out of bed and through the motions until she was at the church. When she’d entered, she couldn’t believe how packed it was—standing room only. The crowd was made up of family and Isaiah’s friends, old classmates, and business colleagues. So many people knew and loved Isaiah. Though he’d shut out a lot of people in his last years after being diagnosed with major depression, they all still remembered the lovable, outgoing, vivacious person he’d once been.
Damien had waved at her from across the church. Spectacularly dressed in a black suit, with freshly cut hair and a trimmed goatee, he belonged in a catalogue, not at his best friend’s funeral. She lowered her gaze, dreading what she had to do. When he reached her, he hugged her tight, but she refused to hug him back. She didn’t deserve to be comforted by him.
After the reception, the two of them settled in his car. She slowly removed the sparkling diamond ring from her finger and handed it to him. “I can’t do this anymore, Damien.”
A tear slid down his cheek. “Please don’t say that, Nina.” He attempted to put the ring back on her finger. “I need you. We lost Zay, and I need you.”
“We lost Isaiah because of me. I should have gone to him. I should have been there. It’s my fault.” Her voice broke, anticipating what had to come next. “I can’t be with you anymore.”
Suddenly, Damien held her cheeks and kissed her. She kissed him back, and for a second, she’d changed her mind. The life they could have together flashed before her eyes: the children they’d have, the vacations they’d take, the love they would make. She could see them growing old together and sharing their lives. But she pulled away. “I can’t. If Zay can’t have his life, neither can I.” She opened the car door.
“Nina, I’ll never love anyone the way I love you. Please, don’t do this to us,” Damien pleaded. He meant every word. But she still slammed the door, walked away, and never looked back.
She hated that she’d hurt him, but she had done the right thing then, and she’d done the right thing now. She didn’t deserve Damien. Plus, he’d be disappointed to find out Nina wasn’t the woman she used to be. She couldn’t work, couldn’t maintain normal relationships, and she had killed a man. He wouldn’t want to be with her. She’d go back home to Rodney and try to get it together. After she got the money to Deja, she would have to go to the police and get their help to find out who was stalking her. She had to believe Deja that the stalker had nothing to do with Kevin. Though she couldn’t have Damien, she could still be the best mother possible for her daughters. The most important thing for Nina was to forget this time with Damien had ever happened.