I turned the page in the journal, but the next one was blank. Laia was leaning against me, her head on my shoulder, crying softly. I put my arm around her shoulder and hugged her.
“All of them,” she said softly. “It’s tragic.”
I stared down the overgrown street of ruins. It was tragic. More so than I could imagine. How could so much enthusiasm and hope have turned into so much disaster? How did my grandfather keep going through all of the horror happening around him? I’d complained about the uncomfortable scooter and the heat when I’d been traveling in absolute safety with a beautiful girl by my side. Could I have done what he did?
So the mystery was solved. The hole in Grandfather’s young life, the passion that he still remembered as an old man, were explained. I had learned what I had come for, but that was nothing. I had learned so much more—about war, about how complicated life can be.
The phone in my pocket vibrated, but I ignored it. It was probably just DJ telling me he’d made it to the top of his mountain and how wonderful it all was. What did he know about struggles like the one Grandfather had been through?
Almost immediately, I felt guilty. It wasn’t DJ’s fault he’d been given a mountain to climb and just because I’d read Grandfather’s journal and he hadn’t didn’t make me special in any way. Gently, so as not to disturb Laia, I reached into my pocket and extracted my phone. It was a text from DJ, but not what I expected.
It’s over. I couldn’t do it. Things happened.
Over! Couldn’t do it! What had happened? Had dive-bombers attacked him on the mountain? Suddenly I was angry. “You can’t give up,” I said out loud, lifting my arm from around Laia. She sat up and looked at my phone.
W@ u mean couldn’t do it? Break your neck? I texted back.
“What’s happening?” Laia asked.
“It’s my twin brother, DJ. He’s giving up.”
“Giving up what? I didn’t know you had a twin brother.”
“I do,” I said. My phone vibrated, and DJ’s reply appeared.
Three of the people in our party got acute mountain sickness and had to be taken down the mountain. All the guides and porters except one had to go down.
How close r u 2 top? I typed.
“Where is he?” Laia asked.
“Halfway up Kilimanjaro in Tanzania,” I replied. “I have a twin brother and five cousins. Grandfather gave us all tasks in his will.”
Another text came in.
Thirteen hundred meters. Six hours. I can see it, but I was told by the guide not to go, that I couldn’t go up.
I stared at the screen. This was so not DJ. He’d always been the one that did things, made things happen. As far as I knew, he’d never failed at anything in his life. Angrily, I texted back, If u can c it, u can do it. Just go to the top.
“He can’t do it?” Laia said.
“Yes, he can,” I said. “He always has. He’s the strong one.” I felt anger rising again.
I began texting. I forgot the protocol and the abbreviations, I just typed like I was talking to him. It took me three texts to send it all.
Just because someone says you can’t do something doesn’t mean you can’t. Grandfather was exhausted and terrified. His friends were being killed all around him, but he kept going because he believed in something. It was a long time ago and that something failed, but he kept going as long as he could.
I hesitated, wondering what to say next. Had I gone too far? My phone pinged.
I’m tired. I’m sick. I don’t think I can do it. I’m so sorry.
My anger surged up once more. What did he mean he couldn’t do it? This was DJ talking. He was my big brother. My fingers flew over the keypad.
Don’t be sorry. Go through the tired. Go through the pain. Believe you can do it. Try and you can’t fail. You’re as good as Grandfather. I believe in you. KUTGW bro. Grandfather’s waiting at the top. KIT.
As soon as I sent the text, I felt embarrassed. It was so emotional. What would DJ think? More importantly, what would Laia think? I glanced at her. She was staring at the blank screen. She must think I’m such a nerd.
The screen lit up.
I’ll try, for Grandpa and for you, bro. T4BU.
I smiled. I never thought he knew stuff like the shortcut for Thanks for being you.
“That was nice.” Laia was looking at me.
“Really? You didn’t think it was sappy?”
“Of course not. You persuaded your brother not to give up, just like your grandfather persuaded Bob to keep going. I’m proud of you. And I’m very glad your grandfather gave you this task.” Laia leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.
I felt my face burning and fumbled to put my phone away. The journal slipped out of my hand and fell open at the last page. It was covered with my grandfather’s small, neat handwriting.
“He wrote something else,” I said. I picked up the book and thumbed through the last few pages. Several were blank after the battle, but Grandfather had written something on the last page. Laia and I huddled together over the notebook, enthralled by the final entry.
SEPTEMBER 8
It’s been six weeks since I last scrawled my thoughts in these pages. After the battle, I was certain I would never write again. What was already there was so painful, how could I ever say anything worthwhile? But today I am in such a turmoil of conflicting emotions that I have to write something down.
After Gandesa, I thought the change that began when I crossed the mountains into Spain was complete, that the friends I had made and lost, the horrors I had seen, the tragedy I had been a part of, had molded me into a new person and that is who I would be. The last six weeks have proved simply that we can never be certain of anything.
Bob and I were shuffled back to Barcelona. It took five days, most of which we spent either lying ignored on the cold ground or rattling painfully somewhere in a truck or railway carriage surrounded by the stench and screams of those much worse off than ourselves.
A doctor in Tarragona removed the shrapnel from Bob’s shoulder and painfully prodded my ribs before saying that there was nothing he could do. I have tried not to move my ribs, but it is hard not to breathe. However, the pain has pretty much gone and I think they have healed well. Not having a broken bone, Bob’s wound healed much faster.
As we healed, we both assumed that we would return to the war eventually, but that is not to be. The battle has not gone well. The fighting continues, but we never took Gandesa and we have been steadily forced back. The Fascists have too many tanks, planes, guns and soldiers.
Rumors are flying around that the International Brigades are to be sent home. I think the rumors are true and that is why Bob and I are to be repatriated tomorrow. That is the cause of my conflicting emotions. I want to go home—I’ve had more than enough of war—but I also want to stay here. I have fallen in love.
Maria, the nurse I could not get out of my mind, was at the hospital in Barcelona when I returned and was as happy to see me as I was her. Since then we have barely been out of each other’s company. Her family has given me a bed in their house, and I have helped at the hospital, as much as my ribs allowed.
In our spare moments between work and sheltering from the continuing bombing raids, we have walked the streets of this wonderful, damaged city. We have strolled through the parks and gardens and climbed the hill of Montjuïc. Maria has shown me the ancient cathedral and the tomb of Barcelona’s favorite saint, Eulalia. We have walked the narrow dark alleys of the Gothic Quarter, eaten at whatever tiny places we have come upon and talked with the people struggling to survive and afraid of the coming Fascist darkness. If I live to be one hundred, I don’t think I shall ever find another place so beautiful, friendly and alive—or so doomed.
My ribs healed on their own, but that was only my body. My mind as I left Gandesa was a mess. My nights were plagued by nightmares in which Tiny, Hugh and the others came back to haunt me, and my days were filled with shadowy thoughts of hopelessness and death. It felt as if I could never climb back out from that black pit.
Maria, with her love and patience, has brought me back. She has shown me that, despite everything, there is still good in the world. It is a lesson I will never forget, and I shall cherish every moment of happiness that I am given. But why must the cost of that lesson be so unbearably high?
If I had one wish, it would be to stay here forever with Maria or to take her somewhere else that is safe. Her wish is the same, but it is not possible. The war is lost and the Fascists will march down the Ramblas soon. Any foreigners who fought for the Republic will not last long after that. I can go because I am Canadian. Maria must stay because she is Spanish and the border is closed.
It is so unfair. So cruel to find love and lose it.
But I shall come back. I will leave my suitcase with all the pitiful possessions I have collected here, including this book. I will give them to Maria and pray that one day I will be able to return and collect them. Until then, these twelve weeks, this part of my life, the most important part until now and, I suspect, the most important part ever, will remain Maria’s and my secret.