chapter 3
IS YOUR CLOSET
TOO HOT?
You are what you wear.
Now that you can start to see how guys are totally visual, the next thing to think about is who all is copping a visual on you. This can get really creepy, so hold on. Teenage guys aren’t the only ones who have those masculine hormones raging in their loins. It’s guys, men, of all ages. From the 22-year-old clerk at the checkout line to the 43-year-old pastor behind the pulpit, they are all men, and they are all turned on by what they see. So it’s like this: if you go out sporting your sexiest top that shows just enough of your voluptuous chest and your totally hip miniskirt ever so slightly revealing your lacey undies placed just above the waistband, don’t be surprised when I tell you that not only is the hottie down the hall checking you out but every guy from 13 to 83 is catching a glimpse, and their mouths are watering. Sure, some of them might try to look away. But it’s hard work. And then they have to fight with their minds and those memories of your supple body. That means that if you walk down the street and see a bench lined with 70-year-old men, they are looking at your breasts and smacking their lips. You are every bit as sexy to the old guy as you are to your target guy. And you think that’s gross? Just think about the poor pastor who has to stand in front of his congregation all morning and talk about God while trying to avoid seeing your breasts popping out from your baby doll top. A guy is a guy is a guy, and so if what you’re showing ain’t on the menu, keep it covered up.
Showing off more than you’re willing to give to a guy is what we call false advertising. A girl who shows off her tummy has to understand that guys think that means she’s ready and willing for him to run his hands all over it. He’s got sex on his mind as soon as he sees that the doorway to her intimate self says “open for business” like that.
Two kinds of girls wear tops that don’t quite connect to their pants. One is the girl who wants guys to want her for her hot stomach, belly button ring, or sexy bottom. She’s the one who is ready for action. What she’s showing is on the menu, and she’s proud of it. But the other kind of girl—and this is probably most of you—is the girl who doesn’t realize what her sexy tummy is doing to every man that she sees. She doesn’t realize that the tummy is the doorway to, well, the parts guys are longing to see and touch. She thinks it’s just the style. “I look cute, and who does it hurt?”
Hmm, let me answer that: It hurts the guy who thinks he might get something from you because of what you’ve got on the menu but then finds out when you reject him that you’re just a tease. It hurts the Christian guy who wants to honor God with his thoughts but can’t quit thinking about your body. And it hurts you when you suddenly sink to the status of “nice stomach” and are overlooked as a beautiful, intelligent, sensitive, and caring human being. It reduces you to a piece of meat on a menu. It becomes all about the body, and nothing else even comes into focus. Face it, this kind of style is causing another person to stumble just because, well, you have “a right to dress however you want to!”
T-shirts that say something across your breasts are meant to draw attention to them. You don’t have to be revealing flesh to get guys to think about your flesh. Be careful what you display across your breasts; you might just be getting the wrong kind of attention.
If you have something written anywhere, it’s so people will look. Words written on your bum are very sexy and get guys to think all kinds of things. It’s like an offer to open the package. Don’t put advertising somewhere unless that’s what you’re advertising.
A lot of girls get mad when guys treat them too sexually. When guys call them names, or make rude advances, or say nasty stuff to them, they get all in a huff. “How could he talk to me like that? What does he think I am, a piece of meat?” And the answer is yes. That’s exactly what he thinks you are because that’s how you’ve marketed yourself. The sign in front of your establishment screams “sex.” The banner on your ad yells “use me.” Guys’ eyes become clouded by the flesh, and they lose all sight of the girl inside that flesh. So if you show off parts of you that turn guys on, don’t be all upset when they treat you like a sex object. Don’t blame them for your PR campaign. You designed it and created the image you wanted to sell to the world, and they’re just hoping to get a chance to purchase or steal a piece of you.
Revenue generated by sales
of thongs to 7- to 12-year-old girls
in 2000: $400,000
Revenue generated by sales
of thongs to 7- to 12-year-old girls
in 2002: $1.6 million
Revenue generated by sales
of thongs to 13- to 17-year-old girls
in 2002: $152 million
Source: Time,
September 29, 2003
We can’t get mad at guys for being guys. We can’t blame them for following us down the path of objectification when that’s the package we’ve put together. When you create your own PR package, you have to decide how you want to be treated. What parts of yourself do you want to be considered valuable? Do you want to be just another body for him to take advantage of, or do you want to be something more special? All these things have to be considered every time you get dressed in the morning.
You are what you wear. We do judge a book by its cover. One of the major ways people figure out who you are and what you’re like is by how you dress. So don’t lie to yourself. You really are what you wear.
GOD’S TAKE ON THE SITCH
But don’t just take my word for it. We have a better source than that, thank God. And he has a lot to say about your sexuality. Let’s take a look so we don’t get too far off track:
But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.
Ephesians 5:3 NIV, emphasis added
“A hint of sexual immorality.” Does that ring any bells? Can you think of anything about your wardrobe that might hint at sexual immorality? You don’t have to be sexually immoral; you just have to hint at it. Are your shorts super short? Why? Is your top low cut enough to show cleavage? What’s your goal? What about your tummy? Have you pierced it? Tattooed it? Or are you just showing off how tight it is? All of these things are to draw the attention of the male so that he will find you sexually attractive. Bam! A hint of sexual immorality.
Dang. Bet you didn’t see that coming, did you? I know I didn’t the first time I got it. I used to think, Well, fashion is fashion and low-cut, high-cut, short-cut stuff is in. In fact, it’s all I can find. So what’s a girl to do? And I gave in. But when I finally figured out what it was doing to guys, that it was giving them a hint—maybe just a small one, but a hint all the same—that I might be up for some sex play, things got more serious. Because God makes it perfectly clear: NO! You can’t play with sex that way. You can’t hint around about it or slightly suggest that you might be good in bed by hinting, “Look at this great body.” Don’t deny it. You know it’s true. Heck, even though I was a sworn “virgin till I marry,” when I was in school I still found it exciting for guys to think that I was sexy. I still wanted them to want me—that is, until I figured out what it all meant to their spiritual lives and to my psyche. I can remember thinking, I have to look sexy so guys will like me, and then eventually I can pick the one I want to marry. But in the meantime I confused a lot of guys who thought what I was showing was on the menu.
I know how hard it is to resist that cute little mini and how great you look in that tight baby doll tee. I know how hard it is to find clothes that don’t false advertise, but I also know it has to be done. God makes it clear, we can’t play around with our sexiness. It’s a powerful tool that should be used for good, not for fun.
God has a purpose for everything. Even your sexuality. And that purpose is the marriage bed. Any other kind of sex or hinting about sex is out of bounds. In fact, it’s sinful. “Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality” (Galatians 5:19). Your sexiness isn’t something to be played with or taken lightly. So if what you’re showing ain’t on the menu, keep it covered up.
“Sometimes I scratch my head and wonder,
‘What kind of guy is this girl trying to attract?’”
—Confessions of a Youth Pastor
Judging Your Self-Esteem?
What you think about yourself is important. Your thoughts manifest themselves in all kinds of ways: how you walk, how you talk, how you carry yourself. What you think about you is really important. And I know that how you dress has a huge effect on how you feel. I mean, having a bad hair day can totally ruin your day. Walk by a mirror and see yourself in old clothes, and suddenly you feel depressed and ugly. I know how it is. We’re all girls, and we all have a tendency to be hard on ourselves, but is self-esteem really where it’s at? I mean, can you build your self-esteem by having the cutest clothes on the planet or by looking like a hot rock star?
Self-esteem is a precarious thing. It can go up and down based on the outfit of the day. So maybe you should start thinking about a different kind of esteem. After all, God’s Word never tells us that we should esteem ourselves. Instead we should be humble, not thin king too highly of ourselves (see Romans 12:3). The meek, not those with high self-esteem, shall inherit the earth (see Matthew 5:5). Yeah, something tells me that self-esteem isn’t where we should put all our eggs. Self-esteem is too hard to keep up. It’s too hard to manage.
But what if there were another kind of esteem that was more rock solid, less likely to change with the currents? The way I see it, self-esteem is a weak foundation, and the only real foundation for a good mental outlook and a joyful spirit is God-esteem. When you put your esteem in him and his plans for you, you are never disappointed. Bad things can be said about you, and you aren’t fazed because you are hooked up to the Creator of the universe, and he says different of you. God-esteem definitely has more power than self-esteem.
So if you are planning your wardrobe and your look in an effort to build your self-esteem, to make you feel better about yourself, you might want to rethink that. It’s just too fleeting. Just one incident can pull the rug out from under you. But if you can focus your mind on what God wants for you, who he made you to be, and who he is, then you will never slip or fall. Your spirit will soar. When people try to put you down, you won’t be affected, because your esteem isn’t in whether others accept you. When you have a bad hair day, you will blow it off, because in the grand scheme of things, your hair doesn’t matter. Yep, God-esteem is where the power is. Let go of tending your own self-esteem and let God become your focus, and you will find that dressing and getting ready every day will become a whole heck of a lot easier.
“Maybe your purity pledge should start to include where you shop!”
—Confessions of a Youth Pastor