part0028

I rack my brain to remember what I have planned for tomorrow, but nothing pressing comes to mind. I text Max and ask him to rearrange my schedule tomorrow so it’s clear and then I text Paige back.

My mind goes completely blank, and my thumbs hover uselessly over my phone’s keyboard as I try to figure out what else to say. I feel like I’m walking in a minefield and the wrong thing might cause an explosion to go off, causing the whole conversation to end as abruptly as it started.

Did you want to get together? I add before pressing send and hoping that was the right thing.

I swear I’m not usually so unsure when it comes to women, but then again, Paige is no ordinary woman. She’s the woman.

Then a second later another text comes through from her that has my heart racing.

And? I type out as fast as I can.

That’s not a confession of undying love, but it’s not a rejection either. It’s an opening, a chance to finally deal with all our baggage and maybe start a new future.

God, I’d give anything for her to be open to having a future together.

I think back on our conversation yesterday and then come up with a plan. After some quick research and a few phone calls to confirm I can make it happen, I text her back.

I know it’s a big ask, but for my plans to go off without her getting spooked, I need her trust.

My heart sinks at her response, but I don’t get to respond before another one quickly follows.

Me: I’ll take it .

I text her an address which will take her to my favorite hiking trail in Topanga State Park and tell her what to wear. I want her to be comfortable but also prepared without spoiling the surprise. And as much as I wish she’d ride with me, I don’t want to push her too far out of her comfort zone. I suspect driving herself will make her feel more comfortable.

The next day, I’m a ball of nerves as I drive to Topanga Mountain. I’ve never felt this level of nerves before—not even when I started for my first NFL game, when we were playing the top team in the league and a quarterback I had always aspired to be like.

When I arrive, Paige is already in the lot sitting in her car, but it doesn’t appear that anyone else is here yet today. I hope it stays quiet. This trail is one of my favorites because it’s not usually as busy as the more well-known ones, which means less chance of someone recognizing me and interrupting my time with Paige.

Getting out of my car, I grab my backpack filled with snacks and water and make my way over to Paige, who’s now standing outside her car, her arms wrapped around her while her gaze is staring off into the distance, roving over the beautiful, serene view.

My whole body comes to life in a way it hasn’t in years. Not since her. And the ache to hold her close is so strong, but I know I haven’t earned that privilege.

“Hey,” I say softly, not wanting to disturb the quiet serenity surrounding us. Her gaze turns from the view to me.

“Hey,” she says.

“Thanks for reaching out. I’m glad you wanted to get together again.”

She stares at me for a moment, her expression unreadable, before she nibbles on her lip. The movement sends me back ten years to when she’d do that whenever she was nervous.

“I’m nervous too,” I say, hoping I can put her at ease. Hell, it’s the truth. I have no idea what will come after today.

She offers a small smile. “Am I that obvious?”

I point to my own lip. “You’re chewing on your lip. You always used to do that when you were nervous.”

Her smile fades, but the look in her eyes doesn’t seem sad. Maybe wary, or unsure.

“I guess maybe there are some things you still know about me,” she says, her voice barely a whisper.

“I’d like to know it all.”

She continues to stare at me, her gaze burrowing into my soul until my entire body feels warm just from being around her. What I would give to experience this for the rest of my life.

“Maybe we should start with college.”

“Sure.” I hesitate, knowing I need to say it but wishing I didn’t. “All of this is off the record.”

Her wary gaze turns sad before she nods her head. I can’t tell if she’s sad because she was hoping to get a story or because I had to say it at all.

We start our hike and spend the first mile or so talking about our college years. She tells me about her best friend, Gina, and the adventures they got into, while I tell her all about Max and my college days, although they were mostly filled with football. By the time we stop for some water and a snack, I’m both dreading and eager to talk about the one topic that’s been hanging over our heads for nearly ten years.

As we sit in silence, looking out over the view and sipping from our water bottles, I contemplate how to start.

But she beats me to it. “We should probably talk about what happened with us.”

I glance at her, noting she doesn’t move her gaze away from the view. Is she as afraid of this conversation as I am?

“Yeah, we probably should.”

“I’m not even sure where to start,” she admits with a weak laugh.

“Ask me anything.”

She turns to me then, her gaze penetrating. “Why didn’t you fight for us?”

She might as well have punched me in the heart for the effect her words have on me.

I look down at my hands, shame and memories from those first few days after breaking up with her washing over me. “I wish I had a good answer, but I don’t. Each day apart felt like an eternity, which sounds comical now that I’ve spent nine years regretting it. A year, maybe a few more due to college, was really nothing, but at the time…” I look up at the view, not having the guts to face her but wanting her to know the truth. “At the time, everything felt like it was falling apart without you there. My grades slipped, I kept making mistakes on the field, to the point Coach threatened to bench me until I could get my head on straight. And you were so far away. Our conversations seemed to get more strained and superficial with each day that passed, and I didn’t know what to do.”

My gaze moves to hers, because I need her to know this next part with all the sincerity I can convey. “I never meant to end it the way I did. I planned to do it in person. But then I saw you, and everything felt amazing again. We had a perfect week together, and it wasn’t until that morning when you took me to the airport that I realized my chance to do it was quickly evaporating. Time was moving too fast, and you seemed so happy. The truth is I didn’t want to see you hate me. I didn’t want to see all that love in your eyes disappear the moment I broke your heart. So I walked away and took the coward’s way out. And I’ve regretted it every day since.”

“Breaking up with me that way?”

“Breaking up with you at all.”

She inhales sharply, and her eyes brim with tears as her gaze locks on mine. I hold my breath, waiting, convinced more than ever that this woman holds my heart in the palm of her hands, and at any moment she could crush it.