Chapter 21

Strengthening Resilience

IN THIS CHAPTER

Bullet Moving forward following setbacks

Bullet Persisting no matter what

Bullet Accepting what is

Bullet Building connections

Life would have less meaning and purpose without adversity. If everything you ever needed or wanted dropped down from the sky whenever you asked for it, what would the point be? What would success or accomplishments mean if they were achieved without effort?

People who bravely face obstacles or adversity reap positive benefits such as a greater appreciation of life, better connections with others, and an enhanced sense of well-being. Resilience is the ability to push forward and carry on in the face of adversity. Resilient people manage to persist even after multiple setbacks and failures. They bounce back when life dishes out the most difficult challenges.

When you quit smoking or vaping, you prove that you can handle a good measure of difficulty and distress. And, for some, the struggle against relapse may continue for a while. But if you’ve made it for six months to a year, your odds of permanently quitting are pretty good.

An important and common risk factor of relapse is having something extremely stressful happen, such as losing a relationship, experiencing a natural disaster, or facing a major financial setback. The odds of maintaining recovery can improve significantly if you work on increasing your overall resilience.

Resilient people learn from mistakes and carry on without wallowing in self-pity. They bravely go forward after bad things happen yet are not immune from suffering. Instead, by working through suffering, they get stronger, find renewal, and feel more capable.

In this chapter, we discuss the concept of resilience and how to strengthen it. We note the importance of building a sense of competence and the confidence in improving a resilient person’s ability to set goals and see them through. We also discuss the value of being connected with others.

We give you skills for handling difficult emotions when they threaten to overwhelm you through acceptance and mindfulness. Finally, we offer a few tips on uncovering the purpose and meaning of your life. Armed with this information, you’ll be able to face most of the toughest times you’re likely to face. Fortifying resilience is all a matter of practice, patience, and persistence.

Enhancing Competence and Confidence

Resilient people choose to work on projects or tasks that they can actually accomplish. For example, only a few powerful people can make a dent in reducing world hunger. A resilient person would find another way to help fight hunger, such as donating to a homeless shelter or food bank — not reducing world hunger, but successfully feeding a small group of people and making a difference.

If you’re reading this chapter, you’ve already made a decision to quit smoking (we hope). You set a goal, worked on a plan, and succeeded. Now, you can use your skills in other areas of your life.

If you haven’t quit yet, it’s possible that strengthening your resilience will help get you there.

Making wise choices for where to make a difference enhances confidence and a sense of competence — core components of resilience. The first step is learning how to set and evaluate the right goals, whether it’s smoking cessation or anything else in your life.

Setting goals

People with resilience know how to choose achievable goals. You know that goals are achievable when

Your goals feel important to you. Why would you want to bother with goals that have little significance to you? That doesn’t mean your goals should be huge in scope or meaning. Maybe you want to lose 5 pounds or take better care of your lawn.
Your goals are specific and measurable. Losing 5 pounds is more specific (and, therefore, achievable) than a goal of “losing weight.” Fertilizing and mowing your lawn is a better goal than “taking better care of it.”
Your goals have a timetable. Losing 5 pounds in five weeks is a better goal than losing 5 pounds someday. Cutting the grass weekly and fertilizing it in the spring and fall works better than just saying you’ll fertilize and mow.
Your goals are attainable. There’s nothing wrong with one or two very long-term goals. But it’s important to break them down into segments that can be attained within a shorter time span. For example, “I’d like to save $2 million for retirement” is great but setting yearly goals along the way makes more sense. Focusing only on the long-term outcome at retirement age makes it easier to ignore along the way.

In setting goals, it’s also useful to keep in mind a few key principles:

Reduce your focus on competition with others. Achieving goals is about increasing your sense of competence and confidence in yourself. It’s not about beating someone else. It’s about moving forward on your own, personal path to resilience.
Avoid perfectionism. Perfection as a goal won’t work because no one’s perfect all the time. Stressing perfection leads to frustration and inevitable loss of confidence.
Embrace mistakes. Mistakes have a lot to offer. You can learn valuable lessons from mistakes. Let them teach you!
Push back on procrastination. The number-one cause of failure to reach your goals is chronically putting off your efforts to get there. Ask any writer about procrastination — we know exactly what it does. Combatting procrastination requires making the goal more specific and as small as needed to feel achievable. Some days, we vow to write just one page, but we usually end up writing much more after we get started. You’re likely to experience the same result.

Almost every accomplishment worth achieving involves setting goals and striving to reach them. The decision to quit smoking is an important goal that is specific, involves a certain time period, and is attainable. In order to achieve that goal, it’s useful to learn from mistakes and focus on yourself rather than beating others. If you do slip up, don’t allow perfectionism to turn your slip into a full-blown relapse. Start your efforts anew without delay.

Problem solving

Resilient people are great at solving problems. The risk of relapse increases when life stressors become overwhelming to former smokers, smokeless tobacco users, and vapers. In order to inoculate you from becoming overwhelmed, it’s useful to learn how to problem solve.

The following problem-solving strategy has been found to help people with almost anything that stands in their way. With practice, you’ll see that problems start feeling less crushing and more solvable. You’ll become more resilient. Take these steps for dealing with the next problem that comes your way:

Identify the problem.

Describe the problem as objectively and clearly as possible. If the problem involves lots of issues, try to focus on one issue to deal with at a time. Describe the problem without emotions and as concretely as you can.

For example, Anthony works for a manufacturer of medical equipment. He and 200 of his coworkers are laid off. Anthony quit smoking eight months ago and worries that he’ll go back to smoking in order to cope with the stress of losing his job. He defines his problem as needing to find a new job without going back to smoking. He decides to focus on the job first. Hopefully, he won’t have to worry about smoking if he gets a new job.
Brainstorm solutions.

Consider every imaginable solution and write them all down. Don’t try too hard to come up with a perfect solution. For now, anything goes.

Anthony knows that he has a few options:
- He could transfer with his current company to a new location about 1,500 miles away.
- His cousin offers him a part-time job at his restaurant that could possibly develop into full-time work.
- He could take unemployment and go back to school for retraining in computer coding paid by his former employer.
- He could simply take unemployment and look for whatever job he can find.
Examining consequences.

Each brainstormed option has various consequences with different levels of likelihood. Write down the consequence for each of the brainstormed options and include your thoughts on the likelihood of each outcome.

Anthony looks at his first option of moving 1,500 miles. He immediately discards this solution because it includes leaving his aging parents, something he definitely doesn’t want to do. He discarded the second option because he doesn’t get along with his cousin that well and feels uncomfortable working for him. His third option sounds great in terms of potential, but Anthony fears he doesn’t have the ability. But he doesn’t know much about this type of work either, so he decides to get more information by talking to a vocational counselor provided by his former company. Anthony takes a look at his fourth option and realizes he can try the third option without sacrificing the ability to look for other jobs.
Taking action.

After you’ve examined the consequences and likelihood of each option, it’s time to choose and act. Don’t delay; do something. If it turns out badly, you can always examine other options again.

Anthony takes action by talking to the vocational counselor and, after taking a brief test, discovers he has an aptitude for coding. He jumps in with both feet and starts going to school.
Evaluating the outcome.

After you select an option and take action, the job isn’t finished. You want to evaluate whether the problem solving worked. Was it the outcome you hoped for? Was it a “good enough” solution? Or do you want to take another look at other options?

Anthony stepped back after six weeks of training in coding. It was harder than he expected. He realizes his money could run out almost at the time he finishes school. He decides to work for his cousin a couple of nights a week in order to make it through. It isn’t as bad as he feared.

This simple, five-step problem-solving technique is easy to put into practice. Research shows that people who use this strategy routinely are more capable of getting what they want and have less emotional distress.

Taking care of yourself

Resilience building requires paying attention to your own needs. That includes taking care of your health and finding sources of pleasure to recharge your batteries as often as necessary.

Staying healthy

You can find lots of information about living a healthy life throughout this book. It basically comes down to eating right (see Chapter 20), routinely exercising (see Chapter 20), and getting enough sleep (see Chapter 17).

In addition, it helps if you go outside, stay active, drink plenty of water, stay away from tobacco products of any kind, and have regular checkups with your healthcare provider. No problem is too large to handle if you take care of yourself, but you’ll quickly become overwhelmed if you don’t.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed and like you can’t handle things, or take care of yourself, you need to seek help with a mental health professional. Check with your primary care provider or your health insurance company for a referral.

Having fun

You may think that “having fun” has little to do with a healthy, vibrant lifestyle, but you’d be wrong. Studies show us that people who routinely put pleasure into their lives tend to be more joyful, healthier, more energetic, and more resilient. You’ve already experienced unhealthy pleasure from tobacco or nicotine.

Now let’s turn to seeking healthy pleasures. Make a list of things you find possibly pleasurable or fun, and make sure you engage in some of these routinely. If you need inspiration, here are a few ideas to get you started:

Treat yourself to a movie.
Take a day trip.
Pick up a new hobby or craft.
Sign up for season tickets to a local theater.
Read some great novels.
Listen to music.
Go on hikes.
Go to an interesting museum.
Go to the zoo.
Sit outside in a park.
People-watch at a shopping center.
If your town has tourists, go where they go!
Take a hot bath.
Get a massage.
Eat a great meal somewhere new.
Play with your pet. If you don’t have one, watch animals at a dog park.

You get the idea. We’re sure you can dig down deep and get creative in order to come up with your own possibilities.

Prioritizing pleasure is important. When inevitable troubles come your way, you’ll have more in reserve to work through them.

Improving Relationships

Humans are social beings. Literally, thousands of studies have shown that people with good social support networks are happier and healthier and live longer lives. Sometimes that consists of a spouse or live-in partner; other times it’s a variety of friends or family members. Some people find social connections in their neighborhoods or in their workplaces.

We have a few thoughts for improving relationships. In this section, we focus on improving intimate relationships. However, you can use some of these techniques to help you get along better with almost anyone in your social circle.

Trying the Daily News Report

The essence of any good relationship involves sharing. That means sharing mundane events that occur during the day, as well as hopes, dreams, and ambitions. Frustrations, angst, joys, and struggles form part of the mix, too.

Have you ever come home from work and your partner asked, “How was your day?”

You think about all the miserable things that happened that day and are about to respond, but your partner is already asking whether you want to go out to eat. You may quash your feelings and go along with the plan — but there’s a part of you that wishes your partner would pay attention and listen.

The Daily News Report is a structured exercise that helps. Make a deal with your partner or friend to abide by the following:

Agree to spend a set amount of time (even as short as 15 minutes daily) on most days to discuss what’s happened and how things are going.
Choose one of you to start the conversation.
Listen.

That means asking questions for clarification. It also means looking at the person and not at your phone.
Express empathy (your thoughts on how your partner may be feeling).
Don’t try to fix problems right away or give advice unless you’re asked.

Even then, tread carefully. You don’t want to sound like a know it all.
Take turns, but don’t do so until the first news person is finished.

It’s great to take longer than 15 minutes — that’s just a low target.

If you’re doing the Daily News Report right, you won’t have any conflict. This is a time of support and connection. No judgment allowed.

If you’re doing this with a friend, it can become the Weekly News Report and take a little longer than just 15 minutes a day. It can also be a Monthly News Report for friends you see less frequently.

Everyone benefits from having supportive relationships. Good relationships build resilience and keep relapse away. The Daily News Report supports and enhances relationships.

Disclosing vulnerability

Have you ever had friends who seem to have a perfect life? People who know all the answers all the time? People who never need advice but can dole it out liberally? They apparently have perfect families, including perfect children, perfect cars, perfect houses, and perfect jobs. If so, do you have warm, close feelings for them? Or do you feel a little distant and removed from them?

Our guess is that you probably feel a little detached from these friends. Maybe you’re not jealous of them and their perfect lives — you just find them too good to be true. Relationships with so-called “perfect” people, don’t usually feel satisfying. That’s because those people feel false and unrealistic. Life is never perfect.

You probably can’t change people who pretend to be perfect. However, you can vow not to come across as perfect with your true friends. The solution is simple: Learn the value of honest self-disclosure with trusted friends. The expression of vulnerability with each other brings people closer. People with good, close relationships are more resilient.

Take some care in deciding who you can trust enough to disclose personal, vulnerable details of your life with. Unfortunately, there are a few people out there who will use such information to gossip about you. The remedy is to listen to your feelings and disclose a few less vulnerable details first and see how it goes.

Giving help and caring

Solid relationships require attention and nurturance. All too many people forget this fundamental principle. Friends and couples drift apart when they overlook caring for one another. Stop that process before it starts.

Too many times, friends forget to give each other compliments, offer to help each other out, or do nice things. It’s not that they don’t care about their friends or partners, it’s that they don’t show specific acts of caring for their friends or partners. In other words, there is a difference between care and actual behaviors that demonstrate caring.

Review the following list of caring and/or helpful behaviors. Try expressing these more often — one or two daily isn’t overdoing it for someone who lives with you; less often works for friends you spend less time with. Try out the following actions:

Express thanks or gratitude for something you appreciate about your friend or partner.
Give flowers.
Hug often.
Send a “thinking of you” text message.
Offer to run an errand or simply run it without even offering.
Offer a backrub.
Prepare a special meal.
Tell your friend or partner how much you care.
Do a household task (the more disagreeable, the better) without being asked.
Make an effort to learn something new about your friend.
Give compliments often — just be sure they’re sincere.

Add to this list. Be creative! These are not random acts of kindness — they’re planned, thoughtful, and targeted acts of kindness. And they fertilize and rejuvenate relationships.

Sometimes people are nicer to strangers than the ones they love and care about. That’s sad because it’s easy to give help and caring. Caring behaviors make resilient relationships.

When there’s lots of conflict in a close relationship, it’s important to get professional help from a mental health provider skilled in relationship therapy. When you’re involved in a relationship, it’s hard to sort out what’s really causing the conflict and how to resolve it.

Acquiring Mindfulness

Mindfulness involves becoming aware, connected, and engaged with the present moment without judgment. Mindfulness allows people to accept and tolerate difficult thoughts and emotions in a healthier way.

Humans are unique among species in the ability to think both about the future and the past. Reminiscing can be a pleasant activity. However, it can also result in memories that cause guilt, resentment, sadness, and pain. Thoughts about the future can also feel pleasant. Yet, many times looking ahead can engender distress, worry, fear, anxiety, and dread.

When connected to the present moment, you don’t get bogged down by guilt and shame over the past or worries about the future. Acquiring the ability to go into a mindful state when you want has many benefits.

Benefiting from mindfulness

Mindfulness can be thought of as a skill. The skill of mindfulness involves a willingness or acceptance to cope with life, both the good and the bad. It’s a skill that bestows many advantages to those who acquire it.

Managing emotional distress

Acquiring the skill of mindfulness helps people manage strong feelings more productively. Mindfulness practice improves moods and reduces anxiety and stress. Mindfulness helps people with depression. Depressed people who practice mindfulness techniques are less likely to experience relapses of their depression. That’s because the skill helps people react to difficulty with calm, composed, detached, cool emotions rather than driven, boiling, hot feelings.

Reaping health rewards

Mindfulness, usually practiced as meditation (see the “Looking at meditation techniques” section, later in this chapter), has been shown to

Reduce high blood pressure
Improve sleep
Decrease discomfort from chronic pain
Improve colitis symptoms
Help with addiction recovery
Improve immune function
Reduce stress hormones

In addition, there is limited research suggesting that mindfulness may help people stop smoking. However, it’s likely that the strategy is maximally beneficial when included in an overall package of strategies such as those found in this book.

Making brain gains

Mindfulness also trains your brain to function more efficiently. It improves people’s ability to focus and concentrate. It decreases the tendency to think negative thoughts over and over again — a pattern called rumination. Instead, with mindfulness, you pay attention to the present moment. Mindfulness skills also improve the ability to think of multiple things at once and make decisions flexibly.

Looking at meditation techniques

Meditation complements and supports a mindful life philosophy of connection to the present. Meditation describes a mental state of focused attention. In meditation, there is an awareness of the present moment and a hope to achieve mental clarity and emotional calmness.

There are a multitude of meditation techniques and strategies. However, a few of the most common types include the following:

Breath awareness: This technique consists of attending to your breathing. Those practicing this approach are told to notice how air feels as it flows in and out of the body. Many practitioners suggest breathing in through the nose and out through the mouth, although this suggestion may not make a great deal of difference. Some people find it useful to count the breathing, but the main point is to notice the sensation of breathing.
Body scan: This strategy is particularly good for people with chronic pain. Attention is given to each part of the body while sitting or lying down. A body scan can begin at the feet, slowly going up to the head, or the other way, from head to toe. Bodily sensations are noticed and accepted for whatever they are without judgment.
Moving meditation: With this approach, you are, well, moving. Focused attention is paid to the body and the breath while in motion. Basic slow walking can serve quite well for this purpose. T’ai Chi is a type of slow-moving meditation. Yoga sometimes can serve as an additional form of moving meditation.
Mantra-focused meditation: This technique begins with a word, sound, or phrase that is repeated over and over. When attention drifts, the practitioner is instructed to refocus on the mantra. The sound or phrase can have personal or spiritual meaning or be totally meaningless. Mantras are sometimes said out loud, whispered, or repeated inside the head.

A meditation practice is easy to begin. All you need is 10 or 15 minutes and a place to do it. Longer sessions have their place, too, but aren’t always necessary. Daily practice is great, but you can profit from less often, too. Most people find that regular practice improves their skill and gives them more benefits.

The following instructions can be thought of as generic in nature; that is, they can be applied to many slightly varying forms of meditation:

Turn off devices. When you’re meditating, you can be disturbed by the vibration of your phone. No need for that.
Find a peaceful place. You can meditate just about anywhere. But it’s nice to have somewhere that feels serene and peaceful. That’s especially true when you’re first starting. Later, when your brain is accustomed to meditating, you can turn off the outside world at will.
Sit on a chair, cushion, couch, floor, or wherever. It really doesn’t matter where you choose. Some types of meditation require specific (sometimes uncomfortable) positions, but those can take a lot of practice to achieve. You can still benefit from meditation with less austere approaches.
Close your eyes. Though not always required, most people find that closing their eyes helps them focus.
Choose something to direct your attention to. You may want to concentrate on your rhythmic breath, your body (one part at a time), a mantra you repeat to yourself or in your mind, or nothing at all.
When thoughts intrude, refocus. Thoughts will pop into your mind. It’s important to realize that these intrusions are inevitable. Accept those thoughts and let them drift on. Return your attention to your mantra or other target.
Accept your meditation practice however it goes. Some days will induce a blissful feeling of acceptance and relaxation. Others will feel like more of a struggle. Meditation takes practice. Be patient with yourself — after all, one of the elements of meditation is to learn acceptance and nonjudgment.

You can find apps that give you good-quality, guided meditation instructions. Many of them can be tailored to a desired duration. Many are free. If you decide to pay for one, be sure to take advantage of the free trial many of them offer.

Be careful in parting with your money for meditation instruction. Use your common sense. Fees should be reasonable. There are a few unscrupulous, cultlike groups promoting unbelievable benefits from extended meditation programs. Don’t be fooled by a free introductory session unless you’re immune to any high-pressure sales pitches.

Finding Meaning and Purpose

You may wonder why a book on quitting smoking and vaping would have a section on finding meaning and purpose. Well, people who profess to having a more meaningful, purposeful life also appear to be more resilient. Resilient people work through all kinds of adversities, and giving up addictions is tough work.

Purpose provides motivation and helps people make decisions and set meaningful aspirations. Some people believe the purpose of life is to be happy. Others want to lead an honorable life while somehow making a difference in the world. We’re not so sure these goals are mutually exclusive, but too many people neglect to balance them.

We’ve already discussed the importance of pursuing pleasures (see “Taking care of yourself,” earlier in this chapter). Now, we suggest you look at the “making a difference” part of the equation.

Social connections lead to a multitude of positive outcomes, including better health, longer life, improved mood, and resilience. Certain activities provide meaning and purpose in life while also facilitating social connections. Specifically, we’re talking about volunteering and community involvement. Here are some examples:

Get involved in your neighborhood watch program or organize one if it doesn’t exist. Go to www.nnw.org for information about this program.
Support your local community theater. Buy season tickets and/or volunteer to serve as an usher or try out for a part!
Deliver meals to the shut-in seniors in your area. Go to www.mealsonwheelsamerica.org for information about this program. It exists in almost every community across the country.
Volunteer for neighborhood cleanups.
If you’re so inclined, consider getting involved in a religious or spiritual organization that fits your beliefs.
Volunteer at your local animal shelter.
Take a class that interests you. Many low-cost or free classes are available online or through adult education centers at local universities and colleges.
Volunteer at a food bank.
Be a volunteer tutor. Ask your local school for more information.
Get involved in local politics. Participate in get-out-the-vote campaigns for your favorite candidate or work on behalf of a cause you support.

This list is just to get you started thinking. You can easily look around and find many more. If you do, you’ll find many like-minded people that could readily become close friends.

Finally, one more thought for enhancing your sense of purpose and meaning as well as resilience: Look around. Savor your good fortune. Ask yourself what’s around you that you appreciate and feel a sense of gratitude about. People who feel grateful and express it have better connections with others, are more optimistic, and experience greater well-being.

Your sense of gratitude will increase even more if you develop a gratitude habit. You can do that by journaling about every trivial to important thing you feel grateful for each day. Call it your gratitude journal, and make a goal of finding three to five items to list each day.