“You sure you’re okay?” Jack asked Arianna two hours later, as they walked slowly toward the barn. Jack was carrying Sammy on his shoulders. He probably should have left Sammy with Penny for another hour while he did the required vet checks on the dogs, but he wanted to maximize his time with his son on the weekend. He’d figured that Arianna would see his need for assistance and offer to help, because that was the type of person she was. He’d been right, and he was glad. Because he also wanted to spend a little more time with Arianna on this warm summer Saturday.
He wanted to find out more about her relationship with Nathan.
As they opened the barn door, the dogs registered their presence with barks and howls and yelps, high and low and everything in between.
“Jack, he’s not putting his hands on his ears!” Arianna said, her voice excited. “Oh, well, wait, there he goes. But he listened to the noise for a few seconds first.”
He smiled at her enthusiasm. “We take what progress we can get.”
He moved ahead into the barn, checking on a couple of dogs, an ear infection and a dog recovering from being spayed. Arianna wandered around with Sammy, kneeling to show him various dogs, talking in a gentle, upbeat voice.
What had been her relationship with the brilliant Nathan? What was it now?
Had the talented, nerdy professor broken her heart?
He didn’t like the idea of it. And he was her brother-in-law, the closest thing she had to a male relative. Who better to offer her support and protection?
He came out of the second pen and knelt beside her and Sammy. True to form, Sammy had discovered a stick and was beating it on the front of a pen. The old dog inside didn’t seem to mind.
“Did Nathan want to see you again?” he asked quietly.
She glanced at him and then focused on Sammy, tugging up his little jeans and straightening his sweatshirt.
Jack tried again. “I don’t think I even knew you were dating him. Was that during the summer you spent here?”
She nodded, still not looking at him.
“Was it a serious relationship?”
Rather than answering, she rose to her feet and grasped Sammy’s hand. “Let’s go look at the mama and pups,” she said, tugging Sammy along. She held him by his hands, encouraging him to walk.
Briefly, Jack was distracted by his son’s heels-up, halting gait. Sometimes he noticed things that made him think Sammy didn’t have autism. That gait, though, was a sign that he did.
Arianna was distinctly ignoring him. “Look,” he said, “if you don’t want to talk about Nathan...”
“Isn’t that pretty obvious?” She continued to back away, holding Sammy’s hands, all smiles for his son.
The idea of Arianna having a boyfriend, back then or now, did strange things to Jack. He had no right at all to feel possessive, but he most certainly did feel that way.
It was just that a guy like Nathan wasn’t right for Arianna. She was creative, fun, a little wild. Nathan was dead serious, the type to spend every free moment at work.
He tried one more time. “If Nathan bothers you, let me know.”
She met his eyes then, and to his surprise, hers were brimming with tears. Automatically, he stepped forward, reached to touch her shoulder. “You’re upset. I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s fine. I’m fine.” She stopped in front of the pen that held the mother and pups and reached up to open it. The new puppy stumbled out in cute, awkward puppy style.
“Look, Sammy, a puppy!” Arianna’s voice was uncharacteristically shrill.
Sammy waved a hand toward the animal, batting at it. The puppy latched onto his tiny hand and gnawed with sharp puppy teeth.
Sammy wailed.
“You have to be careful with him around a puppy!” Jack whisked Sammy away.
“I’m sorry,” she said as Jack checked Sammy’s hand and then bounced him in the vigorous way that he liked.
Slowly, Sammy’s cries subsided.
Jack’s thoughts were in turmoil. Arianna was in tears because of Nathan. If the man came up here to see her, could he handle that? Would it be good or bad for Sammy?
And what was this powerful jealousy he was feeling?
He gave Sammy to Arianna. Quickly, he checked the two puppies and the mama dog, then gathered the few things they’d brought up and led the way back down to the house.
Given his weird feelings, the last thing he should do was to invite Arianna to come in. He felt as if an inner judge was setting a boundary. The judge’s face morphed from Chloe’s to his mother’s to his father’s and back again.
He couldn’t start anything up with Arianna, not without playing into every one of their suspicions.
But Arianna looked sad, a little lost, standing with him on his front porch.
He shouldn’t pay attention to the way her expression, her slightly slumped shoulders, tugged at his heart.
But Jack was tired of doing exactly what he should. “Do you want to come in?” he asked. “Sammy would like it.”
“I should go unpack boxes and get settled,” she said, but then Sammy reached out a hand toward her hair, glowing like fire in the late-afternoon light.
Jack couldn’t blame him. He’d like to know what that hair felt like, too.
“Aw, sweetie,” she said, her face softening.
He opened the door, and she followed him inside.
Feeding Sammy, sharing a frozen pizza while he played on the floor, giving him a bath... All of it went as smoothly as if they’d been a long-established couple. “You read to him, right?” Arianna asked when Sammy started to rub his eyes with the backs of his hands.
“Every night.” Sometimes Jack felt sheepish about that; Sammy was too young for stories, really, and had enough delays that it wasn’t clear how much he followed. “It’s just a nice way to spend time together. I try to keep the TV off until after he’s in bed.”
“Good.” She knelt beside Jack’s bookshelf, where board books mingled helter-skelter with Jack’s own preferred reading—military and legal thrillers. “How about a little Hungry Caterpillar, Sammy?”
Sammy watched her impassively.
“Brown Bear?” she asked, holding up another book.
Sammy patted his own head, rhythmically.
“He wants From Head to Toe,” Jack said.
“Oh, with the gorilla!” She grabbed the book from the shelf and brought it over. She sat down on the other side of Sammy and handed the book to Jack.
“No, you read,” he said.
“Because you like to act out the pictures?” she teased.
“You bet.” He usually did, hoping the concepts would get through to Sammy. But today, he was just glad that the melancholy look was gone from Arianna’s face, the tears from her eyes.
She opened to the first page and held up the book so both Sammy and Jack could see. “Look at the penguin, how it’s bending its neck. Can you do like the penguin?”
Jack turned his neck.
Sammy watched.
“Good job!” she said to Jack, grinning at him.
She went on, reading slowly and expressively, through the animals and their various abilities: giraffe, buffalo, monkey, seal, with Jack doing the actions in response. He felt silly at first, but Arianna’s smiles and occasional giggles made him comfortable.
“Look at the gorilla, guys. Can you thump your chest like a gorilla?”
“I can,” Jack boasted and did it.
Sammy thumped his chest, too.
Arianna sucked in a breath. “He did it,” she whispered. “He imitated you and he did what the book said.”
Jack was hardly breathing, his heart too full of joy. At the same time, he was willing Arianna not to make a big fuss; Sammy hated that. “Good job, buddy,” he said quietly when he could speak.
Arianna leaned over and planted a kiss on Sammy’s head, and then read on.
It was the only response Sammy gave, but it was a first, and it was enough.
His heart was full as he picked Sammy up. “Time for bed, my man.”
“I should go,” Arianna said.
“You don’t want to help me put him to bed?”
“I...I’d better not.”
Sammy gave a great yawn.
“Don’t leave,” Jack ordered. He carried Sammy upstairs before she could answer, not even looking at her. Because what right did he have to ask her to stay?
He put Sammy down and patted his back for a few minutes, prayed over him as he did every night and added an extra prayer for guidance and wisdom for himself. He didn’t have to specify what situation he needed guidance in. The Lord knew.
When he walked downstairs, he didn’t know whether to hope she’d listened to him and stayed or ignored him and left. But she was there, looking out the window to the moonlit yard.
He walked up behind her. Seemingly of its own volition, his hand came up to rest on her shoulder. “Pretty night.”
She nodded. And didn’t shrug him away.
“Thanks for helping with Sammy tonight. He’s never responded to that book before.”
She turned her head a little, her dimple showing. “That was amazing.”
“It made me very happy.”
“Me, too.”
In a circle of moonlit intimacy, sharing joy about his son, there didn’t seem to be a lot of decisions to make. What to do seemed obvious.
He tugged at her shoulder until she turned around, then touched her chin.
She looked up, her eyes wide. “Jack—”
When she didn’t finish what she was saying, he let his finger trace her full lips, light as you’d touch a newborn kitten. “I want to kiss you.”
She drew in her breath, and he expected her to pull away.
Instead, she lifted her hand to cup his cheek.
“I need to shave,” he said.
“It’s okay.”
He took that as a yes and kissed her.
Jack’s lips moved gently on hers, but the kiss swept through Arianna like an electrical current. She sighed and pulled him closer.
He responded immediately, deepening the kiss, his fingers rising up to fork through her hair, then settling on the back of her head. And instantly, as if the mountain breeze had blown them away, her doubts and worries disappeared.
Being this close to Jack was all the warmth and love and caring she hadn’t even known she was missing. It penetrated, too, that warmth: all the way through her, settling into her heart. It was as if something deep inside her sighed and said, You’re safe.
His hand circled over her back in a gentle massage.
She breathed and let herself feel the emotions and kissed him back.
Until a jarring inner voice scolded through her romantic haze. Chloe would really, really not like it if she knew what you were doing.
And that thought stole away the safe, happy feeling. Because what was she doing, kissing the man who’d been Chloe’s husband? The man from whom she was keeping a terrible secret?
It took every ounce of willpower to turn her head away, then her body, then to step outside the circle of his arms.
“Um, I...” She trailed off. There just weren’t words, and if there were, she wasn’t sure she could get them out past the thickness in her throat.
Jack looked a little dazed, as well.
She needed to leave. She couldn’t look at his vulnerable face anymore, that warmth in his eyes. She needed to focus on her duty, what was best for Sammy.
But what was best for Sammy? Couldn’t it be this?
No, it can’t be this. The voice in her head sounded like her mother, but it could be Chloe’s or the counselor at the church she’d attended—once—in the city where she’d gone as a single, pregnant mother-to-be. Maybe it was even Jack’s voice. He’d admired how pure Chloe was.
Arianna, unlike her sister, had made bad decisions, and she had to pay. Had to pay for lying by omission, too; Jack would be furious if he knew the secret she was keeping.
With his special needs, Sammy didn’t need the additional confusion of having his nanny turn out to be his mother. “I should go,” she said. Her voice sounded odd, breathless. “That was... Look, Jack, I don’t want to do that again.”
It wasn’t true. She did want to do it again. She wanted to feel his arms around her and his warm lips on hers, to see that intense, caring look—already fading now—in his eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to overstep.” He was looking at her a little puzzled now, as if to say, but you seemed to like it.
“I’ll see you later.”
“We should talk about it.”
She looked away. “Not now.”
“Okay, then. I’ll watch you get home safely.”
“No need for that.” Because if he did, she might turn around and run right back into his arms.
Sammy, bless him, let out a cry before Arianna could fall apart. “Go, take care of him,” she urged Jack. “I’ll just run across the yard and be home.”
“Then we’ll talk tomorrow,” he said firmly. He tucked a stray strand of her hair behind her ear, his hand lingering on her cheek.
His touch burned. “Okay, sure.” She spun away and headed toward the door. She had to escape. She wanted so desperately to melt into Jack’s arms, to savor his embrace. Her whole chest ached with the longing for it.
Tough. You can’t have it.
After letting herself out, she marched across the lawn.
She reached the driveway that led to Penny’s house.
Keep going.
She walked across the yard toward the outdoor stairs that led to her apartment.
Keep going.
She could do it. She could make it inside before she broke down.
“Arianna.” The jarring sound of a male voice—not Jack’s—startled her, and then the shadowy figure of a man came into view. She yelped out a scream and spun away from the intruder, her heart pounding fast.
“Arianna! Arianna, it’s me, Nathan.”
Oh. Her knees went weak, and she sank down onto the bottom step. “You scared me half to death.”
“I’m sorry,” he said, kneeling beside her. Wrinkles formed between his heavy eyebrows. “I just... You rushed away so fast, back at the store. Can we talk for a few minutes?”
No. She wanted to forget about Nathan and what had happened between them. Especially now, when her emotions were raw. “I’m very tired and I have to work tomorrow. Can’t it wait?”
He bit his lip and shook his head back and forth. “I’m only in town for a few days, and this has been eating me alive.”
She opened her mouth to refuse. But his face was tortured, and she’d once cared about him. “Okay,” she said. “A quick talk. I guess I can do that.”
“Thank you.” He knelt on the pavement, shivering. He wore a short-sleeved polo shirt and khakis, not nearly warm enough for a mountain night.
“Come on in,” she said with a sigh. “We can have a cup of tea and talk about whatever you want to talk about.”
“Half an hour maximum,” he promised. “And...despite the past, you can trust me.”
“I know I can,” she said, patting his arm as she walked past him, leading him up the steps.
From Sammy’s bedroom, Jack watched Arianna lead Nathan Donegal up the steps to her place and slammed his fist against the wall beside the window.
He felt like a complete fool.
Here he had laid his heart out for her, exposed his feelings, and now she had a date with her ex-boyfriend?
Not that Jack’s time with her had been a date, of course. She was his employee, his former sister-in-law. She didn’t have any obligation to him. She had probably set something up with Nathan when she’d seen him in town today and had been eager to get over to her place to meet him. It was Jack who had mucked everything up by kissing her.
But she responded. She seemed to like it.
Well, he thought she had. He’d thought he had heard a little sigh. Had thought she’d kind of melted into him. And when they’d broken apart, he’d thought he had seen some kind of warm emotion in her eyes.
But he wasn’t the best at understanding women, as Chloe had let him know often enough. The other thing Chloe had pinned on him was that he had always had a crush on Arianna. Jack didn’t think that was true. He had loved his wife and had never allowed his thoughts to venture toward her sister. He knew right from wrong.
But maybe Chloe had seen something he hadn’t even been aware of himself. Maybe he had more feelings than he realized, and now they had led him astray, led him into thinking Arianna liked him when she didn’t.
Sammy stirred in his crib, and Jack turned away from the window and went over to tuck his blue-and-white-checked bear back into his arms. Sammy’s face smoothed, and his breathing became regular again.
This was what was important. That Sammy had a good life, that he get the treatment he needed, that he have loving caregivers.
Arianna’s nanny gig had never been intended to be permanent. It was just until the end of the summer.
And now that Jack knew the boundaries he needed to set, he’d do it.
He would stay strictly professional with Arianna. He wouldn’t comment if she went out with Nathan. He wouldn’t set up any more of these late evenings that created feelings he shouldn’t be having, feelings that could only lead to unhappiness. At the end of the workday, he would wave goodbye and send her away without a personal element in it. His father would be proud. Chloe would be proud.
He drew in a couple of deep breaths and tried to congratulate himself on the rightness of his decision.
The fact that he himself felt empty, gutted even, shouldn’t signify.
Arianna watched Nathan drain the last of his tea, his Adam’s apple bulging.
“I can’t believe Chloe told you about my pregnancy,” she said. Although she kind of could. Chloe wasn’t one to leave any loose ends if she could help it.
“She said you were going to place the baby for adoption, and she didn’t want me to show up later and cause problems. I guess she didn’t realize you hadn’t told me at all.”
“I should have.” Arianna’s heart twisted with regret and misery. She’d made so many mistakes. “It’s no justification, but I was immature. Naive and so confused. And when I came to you to ask if you wanted to continue the relationship, you said—”
“I said I didn’t. I know.” He leaned forward, elbows propped on knees. “You suspected you were pregnant then, didn’t you?”
“I knew it,” she admitted.
“I wish you’d told me.”
She shook her head. “I should have. I meant to, but you were so excited about your new research fellowship in Boulder. And you said you’d be working day and night.”
“Yes, but it was my responsibility,” he said. “If we made a baby together, I should have taken care of it.” He splayed his hands in front of him and studied them.
Arianna’s throat tightened. It was a gesture she’d seen Sammy make.
Nathan glanced up at her and then back down at his hands. “I only realized how wrong I was when my pastor spoke about how important fathers are, and how many don’t take responsibility for their children. It hit me like a brick to the head that I was in that group, too.”
“I suppose, though it wasn’t on purpose. You can’t be blamed for it.”
“There’s no way to find out more about the family who adopted our baby?”
Heat rose from her chest to her neck and spread to her cheeks. She prayed that the light was too dim for him to see how red her face was. “Like I said, it’s a closed adoption,” she said and hoped his steel-trap brain wouldn’t close in on the fact that she hadn’t answered his question. “You can put a letter on file, and when he comes of age, if he wants to, he can contact you. But, Nathan...think about it, okay? You’ll probably have a wife and kids by that time. You might not want to be in touch.”
“So it’s a boy.” He rested his cheek on his interlocked hands, looking away from her.
“It’s a boy.”
He blew out a sigh and stood. “I’m sorry, Arianna. Sorry for pushing you into what we did together, and sorry for not standing by you.”
She shook her head. “Don’t apologize. We were equally at fault. I’m sorry I didn’t insist on your hearing the whole truth.”
They hugged, and she stood at the door and watched him go downstairs and out of her life. For now.
She sagged back against the door after she’d closed it behind him, too distraught even to think. “Lord, forgive me,” she whispered.
It was the millionth time she’d prayed that, of course. But now there were new prayers to add. “Forgive Nathan and help him to find peace. And turn all of this messy situation to good. Amen.”
She slid down the door to a sitting position, forehead on upraised knees. And there she sat for a long time in wordless prayer and meditation, desperately needing the peace that only God could give.