Chapter Nine

 

 

 

 

A loud knock sounded and echoed in the room, waking Shade from her slumber. Her body ached in every joint and hair follicle, like she had rolled down a cliff. Pushing up off the bed, she realized the sun was long gone and the darkness surrounded her, signifying early morning. The soft glow of the impending sunrise was still overwhelmed by the black nothingness outside the window. It made the room feel as if it was part of the forest but for the silence surrounding her as the breeze pushed at the foliage and branches.

The thud against the door came louder and more urgent this time. It made her groan as she kicked off the covers, annoyed as she pushed back her wild, dark hair.

What now? No rest for the weary!

“Who is it?” she partly yelled at the silent door.

“Shade, it’s Soap.” His gentle voice sounded muffled behind the massive wooden door. Scooting to sit at the edge of the bed, Shade sighed and rubbed her face. Her body and mind told her it was around five in the morning, an absurd hour to come calling on anyone, even in Faerie. Especially for a non-morning person like her.

“One sec.” Her clothes from the previous day were still on, though wrinkled and disheveled. She smoothed the creases down as best she could and walked over, unlocking the door. “What is it, Soap? It’s way early.” She glanced down both sides of the hall but Soap was her only visitor.

“I know. I couldn’t sleep. Had to see if you were doing okay.” His shy smile made her defenses crumble. “Can I come in? You can lie back down; I just wanted to see if you wanted to talk about anything.”

Seeing that he was not intent on leaving any time soon, she opened the door wider, letting him slip by before she locked it behind him. No need for anyone traipsing in who shouldn’t be. She was pretty paranoid now. The Land of Faerie had done that to her. Now she always locked doors, avoided mirrors and carried a really nice, sharp dagger with her everywhere she went.

Slumping back onto the bed, she pulled the blankets back over her and let the heat warm away the morning chill. She watched as Soap maneuvered easily in the dark to the other side of the bed to lie down next to her, still fully dressed, on top of the sheets. His long hair was loose and fanned out on the pillow. They had lain many nights next to each other this way, whether in silence or talking about things like the past and Soap’s magical adventures. She always coaxed him to chat more about himself, relishing the moments she could just listen to his stories and his soft voice well into the long, insomnia-filled nights. As Shade preferred not to talk about herself, Soap was a reliable companion for her. He never ran out of things to say or talk about.

She wondered if he knew how comforting his presence had been for her during the long evenings at the beach soon after she had been rescued from the Unseelie palace. Even now, it was a soothing balm to her weary soul. She inched closer to him, laying her head in the crook of his shoulder as he lifted his arm to let her in. Laying her cheek against his chest, the beating of his heart was a soft rhythm in the silence of night.

“So talk.”

“Are you okay?”

“If you call surviving a darkling mark with only three days to live and no magical powers in sight okay, then yeah, sure,” she huffed. After letting out a deep breath, she closed her eyes again. Fatigue was a constant companion. It made her wonder if she would’ve felt so tired if she was merely a human with ordinary cares in the world and homework up the wazoo to do. Something told her it would’ve been a different kind of fatigue, not quite like this. It wasn’t that she thought so much would be better if she wasn’t part faerie, it’s that she was afraid to think that she was right in thinking it.

“Yeah, that can put damper on the party, right?” He squeezed her and kissed the top of her head. He smelled similar to Dylan, and it had her wondering if all the Teleen had this specific scent. It was a pine-filled, smoky aroma which reminded Shade of camping in the forest as a kid. Mulch and falling leaves everywhere, like rain from the sky, littered her memory.

“Look, it’s going to be freezing cold in the Ice Kingdom. I brought you a nice coat to wear while you’re out there. When we get up, I’ll show you.” His statement jolted her out of her sleepiness.

“Wait, what do you mean when I go there? Aren’t you coming?” She cranked her head to stare at the Teleen changeling. His brilliant, green gem eyes glowed in the soft light of early dawn. He smiled slightly as he shook his head. Disappointment filled his eyes.

“No, I’m not going this time, Shade.”

“But why?” No amount of glaring made him budge. He just reached up and stroked her messy brown hair as he studied every line of her face.

“Because I think it’s time for you to evaluate what you really want. I know it isn’t me. I’ve known for a long time, Shade.” His fingers tickled the skin of her face as they made their way to her neck and twirled a thin strand of hair around his fingers.

“What? How can you say that?” Shade gulped, knowing how right he was. She didn’t want to let go, she wasn’t ready yet. “I want you to come with me.”

Soap’s features faded to sadness, still intent on staring into her brown eyes. “I can’t. I can’t watch you love him more. Not this time around. When he was gone, it was tolerable—it was easier to imagine that you loved me.” His hand moved to stroke her arm, sending exploding sparks shooting up it and into her heart. “Now, I’m a shadow in his midst.”

“No, wait….”

“It’s okay.” He pulled her closer, lifting her chin up to look deeper into her eyes. “I accept it. I know I’ll never live up to him, never be what you want me to be. I’m okay with it. I still love you, but you need time to figure it out. You only have days left, if that. I know you will get what you need from that wretched Corb. So I’ll let Dylan spend some time with you. I’m holding out for you, in the end. If you decide, eventually, that he’s not the one for you, I’ll be here. Whatever you decide. Don’t forget.” He touched her nose, letting his fingertip trace along it and down to her lips.

Shade’s heart was breaking, even though everything that he’d said was correct. How he could send her feelings into a tangled mess was disarming. He pulled her closer then, letting his searing lips find hers. She let his mouth explore hers, desperately as though to find some treasure hidden deep inside. It wasn’t the same as before, but he knew her better than she gave him credit for. He’d known the truth for so long, and yet here he was, still pressing her against him and kissing her with a fury that was all-consuming. It made her barriers fall with an incredible crash, this acceptance of her, no matter what.

Coming up for air, she touched her fingertips to her mouth. Surely they were now cherry-kissed and vibrated from his lips. He rang his fingers through her hair once more, admiring every detail he could see clearly in the growing light.

“Goodbye, Shade.” A smile formed on his face, making his eyes shine and his face light up even more than the sun peaking over the horizon. Shade was speechless, unable to form anything coherent as he slipped away, his eyes never leaving hers. As he got past the bed and walked toward the door, he never let go of her gaze. They were locked still, connected in some way which still remained a mystery to Shade.

“No—wait!” She felt off-center and frantic as she watched him leave.

“No, I’m sorry, Shade. If I could change how you felt, I would. I hope this journey, however it ends, helps.” He turned, snapping the lock open and slipped out so quickly she couldn’t register what had just happened.

Alone on her bed, the emptiness of the spot Soap had just left beside her made her gut twist. He was right in what he’d said, but how could he leave so easily? Like a bullet, he had ripped open and exposed her thoughts, leaving her to pick up the million tiny pieces which had dropped and all over the place. She could do nothing but slip back onto her pillow and let the tears flow from her eyes.

The wind shook the world outside. Trees whipped their branches in a rippling dance as they shifted from the force. The sun had lit up the land and greeted the new day with brilliance and might. No comfort from the world came to her; there was nothing but emptiness where a black hole already resided within her. Soap had been her best friend, a loyal companion, a reciprocating love who had been nothing but patient with her. How had she gotten it so wrong? He was right, wasn’t he? She wasn’t in love with him, not like that. Not like he wanted from her: a complete and all-consuming love.

Her love for him was something more than friendship, yet it wasn’t enough for either of them in the end. Closing her eyes, she saw Dylan in her mind’s eyes, his black hair, his steely eyes gleaming at her as he beamed after having found her again. His was the love that felt like it fit. Maybe she was wrong. Maybe it would all come and bite her right back after all was said and done. Who knew? For now, it was as it was, and she didn’t blame Soap one bit for walking away. How right he was to leave her. Yet how wrong it felt to watch him go.