“You aren’t even trying.” Druan stepped toward me with his hands out like he might strangle me.
I took a step back and Pasha growled in warning from her perch on the rocks. “Touch me and I will kick you where it hurts, Mr. Man.”
“Then just do what I ask.” He paced back across the old training grounds. Long abandoned, the ruins of the first Valkyrie queen’s fortress stood among the cliffs above the Citadel where I could train in private.
“I’m trying, but you’re not explaining what I am supposed to be doing.” I kicked a loose stone at his back. The sun had set more than an hour ago, but they were all determined to make progress before calling it a day.
“You’re afraid of the Berserker magic inside you. I can tell by the way you try to merge with Pasha. It doesn’t respect you yet.”
“That doesn’t even make sense! It’s magic, but you speak of it like it’s a person I have to win over.”
“It’s not a person, Thea.” Druan rolled his eyes and Vendela snickered from her seat on a nearby boulder. “Our magic lives within us as a natural part of us.” He threw his hands out in frustration. “It’s like the air in our lungs or the blood in our veins. The power of the gods fuels our ability to merge with our kindred. To use their strength and superior senses as our own. You’re trying to use your Berserker magic the way you use your Valkyrie magic and it’s not the same thing.”
“How is it different?” I raked a hand through my hair, looking to Vendela for help.
“What? He’s the best possible teacher for you. He knows what it is like to have two heritages with differing magic. Harnessing your Berserker magic will be different for you than it was for me.”
“You’re not just secretly entertained by this nonsense?”
“That’s just an extra perk.” Vendela laughed. “You two need to learn to communicate better if you expect to get anywhere.”
“She’s right.” Druan stood with his hands on his hips, taking a deep breath, like he might be praying for patience.
“Explain it again.” I dropped onto the boulder next to my half-sister who didn’t know she was my half-sister yet. Part of me couldn’t wait to tell her, but I was also afraid of how she might react.
“You describe your Berserker magic as this dark shadow trying to smother your Valkyrie magic. That makes you fear it. When you fear your Berserker half, the magic has no confidence in you—”
“That’s where you lose me. How does the magic have thoughts if it’s not sentient?”
Druan growled irritably. “It’s not sentient, Thea. You are. Or at least you’re supposed to be, but I’m not so sure about that right now.”
“Enough with the jokes, Dru. Keep going. I think I might actually be following you after that last bit … at least for the moment.” I pulled my knees up to my chest and waited for him to stop glaring at me. “I promise, I’m paying attention. Carry on.” I waved a hand at him.
“You are a vessel, which means you are the source of your own Berserker magic. You have to let that magic rise within you. Let it fill you and embrace it—even the darkest, scariest parts of that magic. When you shrink away from it, it retreats back inside you—inside the vessel. You have to trust it or you’ll never break out of this vicious cycle. As long as you fear the shadows, we aren’t going to get anywhere.
“You get that it feels like the shadows are going to suffocate me, right? Like I can’t breathe.”
“That’s your fear talking. Berserker magic cannot smother, you, your Valkyrie, Pasha, or the power of the gods because its origin is rooted in all those things. You are the thing that gives it life. You need to embrace both the shadow and the light. At the same time.”
“I swear, that’s what I’ve been doing.” I shrugged, completely mystified.
“No, you’re not. It’s like you’re sacrificing one for the other and that won’t work,” Vendela chimed in.
“But I thought the light is my Valkyrie magic and the dark is my Berserker magic.” I closed my eyes, trying to get it all straight in my mind.
“No.” Druan sighed. “The light and the darkness represents your magic. Alithea Ahlstrom’s magic. It’s neither one nor the other, but both. I know it’s confusing when you’re used to having one type of magic.”
“But you literally just said they’re not different.”
“Let me try that again.” He sank down onto one of the crumbling boulders. “Druid magic and Berserker magic come to me in the same way through my own personal magic. But there are differences in what I do with that magic. Things that are either innately Berserker or Druid.”
“Okay, I’m with you now.” I nodded for him to continue. “I like examples.”
“I had to learn to command both as a single unit to perform the different kinds of actions. You will need to do the same.”
“Okay.” I nodded again. “So I need to stop thinking of my magic as two separate things and start viewing them as a single source of power?”
“Exactly.” Druan’s shoulders slumped like he’d done the impossible.
I took a breath and went for it. “But didn’t you say I was trying to use the Berserker magic the same as the Valkyrie magic and I shouldn’t because they aren’t the same. I think you’ve lost me again.” I leaned back against the boulder, looking up at the rising moon.
“Gods, give me patience with this woman,” Druan muttered under his breath, kicking the boulder as he slid down to the ground. “Let’s try a visual aid before we call it a day.” Druan picked up a black rock, a white rock, a brown one, and a gray one.
“I’m not five years old, Dru.” I rolled my eyes.
“Humor me,” he said dryly. “The white rock is the power of the gods, representing your role as a vessel.” He placed the larger rock at the center of the ring. “It is responsible for fueling all your magic. Like gasoline in a human automobile.” He took a step away from the white rock before he continued.
“The black rock is your Berserker magic, over here with Pasha.” He placed the rock at Pasha’s feet. She snorted at him with a curled lip before he backed away. And the brown one is yours.” He stuffed it into my hand. “Your Valkyrie magic you’re most familiar with.
“Now the gray rock represents all of these things.”
“A third kind of magic?” My head throbbed as I rubbed my temples.
“For the purposes of this visual aid, yes.” Druan placed the gray rock in my empty palm. “You know the white rock. You’ve had it all your life. You know the brown rock just as well. Now you have this black rock creeping in, but it’s not the enemy—”
“It’s Pasha,” Vendela interjected. “Think of the dark shadow of your Berserker magic as Pasha. She’s a predator, but she is also your kindred. Do you trust her?”
“With my life,” I said without hesitation, but I still wasn’t so sure she was my kindred.
“Then trust her magic,” Druan said, placing the black rock in my hand beside the brown one. “When you allow her magic to merge with yours, you get the gray rock.” He pointed to the rock in my other hand. “It’s not about trying to learn two different magics so much as learning to adapt yours to the magic Pasha brings you.”
“And when they merge, the magic becomes both at the same time, making something new.” I wrapped my hand around all three rocks, my gaze drifting to Pasha.
The white skýja leopard dipped her regal head for a brief moment.
Prowl.
The thought wasn’t mine. “Prowl? What does that mean?” I couldn’t tear my eyes from Pasha’s.
“What?” Vendela straightened, her eyes widening in interest. “Did she speak to you?”
“I don’t know what it means,” I whispered, studying Pasha’s fierce blue gaze.
“She is claiming you as part of her prowl,” Druan said. “Leopards are normally solitary creatures, but when they accept others into their pack, they’re called a prowl of leopards. She’s accepted you; now you must accept her.”
I bowed my head toward Pasha. Prowl. I let the thought resonate in my mind, not sure if she could hear me. “Again.” I moved to the center of the sparring ring now drenched in moonlight. “Walk me through it again.”
“Reach for your magic as you normally would, but wait for the shadow of your Berserker magic to join before you fully embrace it. Let the shadows and light merge within you and listen for Pasha’s voice. Her instincts will guide you. You may not fully merge yet, it is too early for that, but you will form some kind of connection.”
“Remember not to fear the shadows. It’s just Pasha,” Vendela added.
I nodded, turning to face my kindred. “I can’t do this without you, Pash.”
Calling on my magic was like breathing, but the slick, oily shadow I’d feared since my return soon followed. My instincts told me to shove the darkness aside and focus on the light of what was familiar, but I took a deep breath, holding Pasha’s ice-blue gaze as I let the shadows wash over me.
This time I let the darkness twist and turn with the light, willing myself to not resist it.
Pasha let out a triumphant growl as I threw my head back and embraced the strange sensation of this new magic coursing through my veins. It wasn’t unlike shifting into my Valkyrie form or embracing the burn. Strength flooded my arms and legs and I felt heavier rather than lighter. My vision blurred and then cleared, leaving the world painted in dark hues of black, white, and shades of gray and blue. My human eyes couldn’t see well in the dark, but Pasha’s eyes were suited for distinguishing fine detail in the dimmest of light.
I moved around the sparring ring with the graceful stride of a predator. Strength radiated through me and I felt … indestructible. Like there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do with my kindred by my side.
“Am I still me?” My voice sounded rough, like sandpaper against wood.
“More or less,” Vendela said. “You look like you, but also like a Berserker ready to fight. You can see it in the eyes and the way you move. Very feline. She’s let you join her in a way. You aren’t fully merged, but Pasha must trust you a great deal to come this far so fast.”
“I’ve never seen even a partial merge this quickly,” Druan whistled through his teeth as he studied my eyes. “I imagine Pasha has been waiting a very long time for this.”
My heart sank at the knowledge I couldn’t hide this.
Pasha hissed and the magic began to unravel.
“No, wait.” I grasped for it, but the magic was harder to hold onto than I expected. A fog rolled through my mind and I was suddenly staring up at the trees.
“It’s okay.” Druan reached down toward me. “That was really good. We can try again tomorrow.
“How did I get on the ground?” I took his hand and pulled myself up.
“You kind of fainted for a second,” Vendela offered in a cheery tone. “I think you offended your kindred with your thoughts.”
“Can she still hear my thoughts?” I glanced at the proud leopard, realizing how my thoughts must have sounded to her.
“We don’t literally hear each other’s thoughts when we aren’t merged,” Vendela explained. “Between kindreds, it’s more about reading each other’s moods and coming to know them so well you can anticipate their next move.”
“She’s upset with me.” I knew that much from growing up with Pasha. She refused to look at me whenever she was mad and right now she was looking straight up at the sky.
“What were you thinking right before you lost your hold on the magic?” Druan asked.
“I was thinking I can’t hide this from my people, and I don’t know how they will react when they realize the queen they’ve pinned all their hopes on is part Berserker.”
Druan scowled down at me, folding his arms across his chest. “I’m with Pasha, you’re being a jerk.”
“What?” I glanced at Vendela to gauge her reaction. The normally easy-going young woman wore a frown much like Druan’s.
“Why would you want to hide what you are? It’s not a … dirty secret.” Vendela turned her wolf-like eyes on me.
“Oh, Pasha, no.” I sank to the ground in front of my dearest friend. “I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not ashamed.” I tried to get her to look at me but the big cat turned her back on me and I couldn’t blame her. “I just meant our people won’t understand at first. I only meant to hide it until I defeat Neela. Until that happens, no one can know about this.”
“So what are we doing here, Thea?” Druan asked. “You want to learn to use Pasha’s power to help you defeat Neela, so long as it isn’t obvious you’re part Berserker?”
“Yes, but also no.” I stayed on the ground with Pasha. Her rejection broke something inside me. “I’m so, so sorry, girl. You know I could never be ashamed of you. I am proud to have you as my kindred and I want everyone to see just how wonderful you are. How much you mean to me. I just want to be careful how I reveal that.”
The great cat snorted and resumed licking her paws.
Druan crossed the sparring ring and crouched beside me. “If you expect to use the Berserker magic inside you, you need to own it, Thea.”
“I will.” I turned to meet his gaze. “I’m so sorry if I offended either of you. I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. My people hold a great deal of pride in their queen and they expect her to be the very best of what makes us Valkyrie. I will need to handle this … revelation delicately, when the time comes. But for now, you must understand we likely have spies within the Citadel. I can’t have this getting back to Neela because Pasha is my secret weapon. She won’t see this coming and I need it to remain that way.”
“We understand that, don’t we Dru?” Vendela marched up behind us.
“I suppose.” Druan growled. He reached for Pasha, running a hand over her proud head. She leaned into him as he scratched behind her ears.
Something inside me went Berserk and I wanted to step between Druan and my kindred. Because there was no doubt in my mind now that Pasha was my kindred. Prowl. I sucked in a breath and clenched my eyes closed until the unreasonable rage passed. Pasha was part of me and she was angry with me. She had every right to be, but seeing her respond to Druan and not me hurt.
“That was good, Princess.” Druan nodded. “You have very good control of your anger. That will serve you well.”
“No,” I gasped, clutching my chest as a bone-deep sorrow crashed into me. “Pasha?” My kindred’s heart was breaking and I didn’t know why.
A wave of loneliness hit me and I got it. She wanted me to know how sad she was when I was gone. “I’m sorry.” Tears rolled down my cheeks and splashed on my hands. “I’ll never leave you again. I promise.”
Finally Pasha turned to me, a purr rumbling deep in her chest as she bumped her head against mine. I threw my arms around her and cried into her shoulder. I’d missed her so much before I knew what she was to me. I couldn’t bear her thinking I’d abandoned her.
“I had to go, Pash. But I’m back now and I’ll do better. I’ll be better. For you and our people. I promise.”