“Dee, are you seriously bragging about sleeping with a married man?”

“I’m not the one who’s married. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You let him buy you a car.”

“Well, Frank, I’m not going to go passing on free cars.”

—FRANK AND DEE, IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA

“I was visiting Carol in Las Vegas and there was . . . a performance issue.”

“I’m Reaganing, Lemon. Let me solve this.”

“It’s not him, it’s me. I’m the one with the performance problem.”

“What? What are you talking about?”

“I freaked out and my junk closed. It’s like Fort Knox down there.”

—LIZ AND JACK, 30 ROCK

“My father loves this car more than life itself!”

“A man with priorities so far out of whack doesn’t deserve such a fine automobile.”

—CAMERON AND FERRIS, FERRIS BUELLER’S DAY OFF

“Blood and gore all over the floor / And me without a spoon.”

—OLIVER SPURGEON ENGLISH, FATHERS ARE PARENTS, TOO: A CONSTRUCTIVE GUIDE TO SUCCESSFUL FATHERHOOD

“Okay, gross.”

—ELIZABETH “BETSY” TAYLOR, QUEEN OF THE VAMPIRES