While it’s common now for young people to delay having babies or even to decide not to have them at all, those who do decide to have them tend to have more than one.
It’s interesting to ponder why. The planet is seriously over-populated. I doubt that anyone in our culture has children with a view to having someone to support them and take care of them in their declining years. Children in Western societies do not make valuable contributions to the family income; rather the reverse. Infant mortality is such that the odds of a child not making it into adulthood and beyond are few. And even if the unthinkable happens, the grief of losing a child is not necessarily assuaged by the presence of another.
• Some parents find that the experience the first time around was so positive, rewarding, and fulfilling that they can’t wait to do it all over again.
• Some pregnancies sneak in the back door, unexpected or earlier than planned. Even when babies arrive in the midst of less than favorable circumstances, it is not necessarily a calamity. Many parents have tales to tell of wonderful outcomes arising out of disastrous beginnings.
• Some parents have a secret wish to have a baby of a different gender from the one that is already at home. This is a risky business and most parents claim happiness anyway when a healthy baby of the same gender as his sibling(s) arrives.
• Most parents’ stated reason for having second and subsequent babies is so that the first baby will have a companion. The first child may not necessarily be grateful for this lovingly bestowed gift.
• Other parents base their decision on a mixed bag of memories from their own family experience. Only children want six children. Someone from a family of six only wants one child. The oldest child from a family of eight doesn’t want any children—she saw enough by the time she was twelve. And so on.
But perhaps the deciding factor is that the dream of a family is still at the core of human lives. The dream may be changed and battered, but it remains incredibly dear to us, and, for many, the dream means having more than one child.
For some parents the decision is easy—yes, we want another baby, or, no, we are going to be a one-child family. Others feel unsure, especially if they found that the first baby changed their lives and stretched them emotionally, physically, and financially much more than they had anticipated. If you are thinking of having another baby but are unsure, here are some things to think about:
• The basics are things like the age of the parents, their relationship, their state of health, and the temperament of the parents and of the child they already have. Finances, career plans (particularly the mother’s), lifestyle, support available, and sometimes religion are other considerations. How the parents see themselves managing the lengthy intensive and personalized care that human babies and children need is perhaps the most vital factor and one that many people seem to underestimate. The levels of energy and tolerance required increase with the number of children there are to love and care for.
• The following are not good reasons to have another baby
– As company for the first child.
– Out of fear of having a spoiled only child. (There is no evidence to support the theory that only children are more disadvantaged or overindulged than any other children.)
– As a chance of getting a baby of a preferred gender.
– To hold a faltering relationship together.
– In case something happens to the first child.
The only sound reason to bring a life into the world is because of an overwhelming feeling that another child is wanted for him or herself. And because the circumstances of the parents’ life are such that they and the baby will get pleasure from the experience. Any benefits that evolve from this in relation to siblings, relationships, or the gender of the baby are spin-offs and are in no way guaranteed.
• On the other hand, fears about the first child’s reaction and guilt over loving another child are not good reasons to give up on the idea of another baby if the time, your feelings, and the circumstances are right. Love does not have to be divided—like breastmilk, the more you express, the more there is. Enough for one child or six.
• It is true that it is easier mentally to care for second babies. The agonizing that goes on the first time is dimmed by experience, and on the whole, parents find that they are much more relaxed. However, it is more physically demanding looking after two children than it is looking after one. The old saying that once you’ve had one the rest is a breeze is not the reality for the majority of people. The more you have and the closer they are in age, the harder it is during the first four or five years.
• While you are making a decision, have realistic ideas about the potential relationship between the new baby and the toddler. A new baby is a joyous event, but an extra person in the family means there are now more needs to be balanced and more tension to deal with.
• If you swing from longing for another baby one day to thinking it would be a disaster the next, it is better to wait a while. Let a natural decision evolve. You may be surprised by what it is.
The only child is a child like any other. Lack of effective contraception and the necessity to produce many children for biological and economic survival meant families of the past were much bigger than they are today. These days our views about the structure and purpose of families are in many ways different from those of previous generations. Oddly enough, though, feelings that there is something inherently wrong with the concept of only children are still around.
The percentage of adults who have only one child is rising, and in relation to the overpopulation issue, can be seen to be a worthy choice. Much research and conjecture has taken place about characteristics of the only child (as well as the oldest child, the middle child, twins, and so on), and if you are interested, there is plenty of reading material available. Only children, like eldest children, tend to be more conservative, high achievers, and closer to their parents.
Parents with one child need to work out ways to make sure that their child has frequent social contact with other families and, where possible, with their extended families. They also have to think harder about creating a space separate from themselves for their child. It is easier for two or more children to form a group and set themselves apart from their parents. An only child has no peer to gang up with and may at times feel that he is swamped by the adult world. The chance of him being included in all family discussions and decision making, some of which may not be appropriate, is higher when there is only one.
Negative aspects of being an only child, however, are no greater than negative aspects of being a twin, the oldest, the youngest, the middle child, or anything in between.
Advances in treatment for infertility and the higher incidence of older women having babies has increased the number of multiple births in the last fifteen years.
Parents of twins find the rewards of looking after and loving two babies a positive and wonderful experience, despite the exhaustion and challenges involved. The negatives are counterbalanced by feeling unique and special and of accomplishing something amazing.
The twin toddler years present the usual range of ups and downs that parents of single toddlers experience. Advantages for parents of twins include the fact that the twins have someone around to keep them occupied and can keep themselves entertained for longer periods of time. There’s often less squabbling between twins than other siblings too.
But of course the negatives tend to be magnified. The doubling up of typical toddler behaviors and illnesses, particularly in areas like sleep, not eating, the constant limit testing, the endless runny noses and diarrhea, can put a strain on parents’ emotional and physical resources. Keeping twins safe also tests parents’ ingenuity. Supervising two toddlers requires even more vigilance than it does for one, and most parents of twins find this a demanding aspect of their care until age brings more sense and less likelihood of danger.
If you are looking for some enlightened information or help on issues relating specifically to twins, you are most likely to find it through other parents with twins and through the National Organization of Mothers of Twins clubs. There are also many books around that deal in depth with multiple birth and life with twins or more.
• Encourage your twins to be themselves. Give them plenty of opportunity to act, look, and be different.
For example:
Dress them differently.
Try to avoid referring to them as “the twins.”
Allow them to keep their own special toys separate from each other.
As they grow older, give them the opportunity to get involved in separate activities and have separate friends if they want to.
• Expect differences in temperament, the achieving of milestones, and in areas like sleep, potty training, and eating. For twin tips on sleep, potty training, and eating, refer to the appropriate sections in this book.
• Twins and particularly triplets are hard work in the first three years. It is advisable if you are finding the going tough to consider regular use of occasional care or childcare. Parents of triplets may choose to split the care between the toddlers so that each toddler has a day alone with his or her parent. Regardless of how you choose to use such facilities, it is not in any way a sign of weakness. Extra help in whatever way you choose to arrange it can help smooth out some of the rough times and bring more enjoyment to the experience.
• It is often difficult for a single older sibling to adjust to the arrival of twins. Parents are usually very much aware of this and go out of their way to compensate; however, with the best will in the world it can still take an older sibling quite a long time to come to terms with the attention and clutter that constantly surround twins. It’s also easy for busy parents to expect too much from the older sibling too soon. His ongoing needs must still be met and you may have to keep reminding yourself of that.
The decision has been made to go ahead. The next consideration is how close in age should the babies be.
Again, everyone has their own ideas, and spacing decisions are centered on similar things to those mentioned above—the age of the parents, their relationship, their state of health, support available, finances, career plans, and so on.
Some people don’t care. Others have to deal with surprise events; for example, a multiple birth or an unplanned pregnancy.
Eighteen months is thought to be the ideal minimum interval between babies in order to give a woman’s body the chance to recover from the previous pregnancy and birth. Many people feel that two babies so close would be too much for them, preventing them from giving both babies the time and attention needed, and would not consider an interval of less than three years. Not many parents choose to have babies twelve to fourteen months apart, although some women who are older mothers feel the need to do so.
• Caring for toddlers from twelve months to around two and a half is not only labor intensive because of their emerging skills, but in terms of their emotional, social, and cognitive development it is hard for them to understand what is going on when a new baby suddenly materializes. It is difficult for toddlers of this age to have to share their parents’ affection and almost impossible for them to understand why their mothers now have less time available for them. The younger they are, the more difficult it is, which makes life harder for the parents.
• Generally by the time toddlers are close to age three, they are more accustomed to waiting for attention and can handle being denied things that they want from time to time. They are starting to respond to limit setting and have good physical skills (getting up and down stairs, in and out of cars, and so on). They have a well-developed short-term memory, can communicate feelings, and usually feel sure of their place in their parents’ affections.
• Individual personalities and temperaments of both parents and toddlers make a big difference. Some toddlers are relatively calm, easygoing little people, as are some parents, which makes closer spacing easier to manage. You know your own situation and your own resources.
A great deal has been written about this topic, and most parents are very conscientious about preparing their toddlers for the big event in their lives. But, as previously noted, even with the best will in the world, things can be difficult for a while. Most parents have unrealistic expectations of their toddler’s reaction and their own, and may find to their surprise that they have unexpected feelings of resentment toward their toddler when he behaves badly.
When the toddler is two years or younger, it is almost impossible to prepare him for the changes that will occur in his life after the baby arrives. However, there are some things you can do (or not do) to help.
• Make any big changes well before the baby arrives. Your toddler’s limited understanding of causality will mean that he will associate the arrival of the baby with any changes that might appear to him to be negative. It’s very helpful to sort out sleep problems, the giving up of bottles and pacifiers, potty training, the changing of bedrooms, and the moving from bed to crib before the baby arrives, but do it well in advance.
Starting childcare, preschool, or even regular occasional care may be other useful changes, but ideally they need to be in place at least a few months before the birth. Sometimes it is impossible to plan and execute things to such a degree, especially in relation to potty training. If you don’t get around to doing everything you would have liked, you will probably find they are best left until at least six months after the baby comes home (depending, of course, on the temperament of your toddler).
• Talk in a general way about families and how they usually have more than one child—use your own or your partner’s family as an example. Photograph albums and books are handy for this.
• Wait until your pregnancy is obvious before telling him about the new baby, but make sure you tell him before anyone else does. Let him feel the baby and talk to him about babies and what they do, as well as telling him some funny, positive stories about him when he was a baby.
• Try not to make unrealistic promises about the baby, such as: “You will love having a baby in the house” and “You will have a playmate.” Chances are he won’t love the baby or the changes the baby brings to his life, and until the baby gets much older, she certainly won’t be a playmate. Help him to understand that the baby won’t be an instant playmate because babies can’t walk, talk, and so on.
• Expand his life outside the home. Organizing a social life for him means he has other houses to visit and places to go. It’s also a way of showing him that he’s different from the baby. If this is done in advance it also avoids the toddler feeling that he’s being pushed off because he’s a nuisance.
• Plan the arrangements for his care during the birth well in advance so that he knows what’s happening and, ideally, knows and loves whomever is responsible for his care.
• Show him the hospital or the birth center where you will have the baby. Tell him you will only be gone for a short while and he will be able to visit. Let him help you pack your bag. When he’s not looking, put in a surprise for him to find when he visits.
Things often get off to a smooth start until the toddler realizes it’s a permanent arrangement, at which time negative behavior is likely to surface. Most negative behavior in toddlers at this time is not directed against the baby but against the huge adjustment that has to be made, so he might be very loving to the baby and horrible to you.
A lot depends on the age and temperament of the toddler, but all the normal toddler behaviors may be exacerbated—whining, clinginess, tantrums, not eating, and sleep disturbances. Older toddlers may deliberately test your reaction by touching things you’d rather they didn’t while you are busy breastfeeding.
Attention-seeking behavior is normal—shouting, interrupting, making noise, throwing toys around, climbing, and jumping off forbidden objects and wanting more of your time. You might find that your toddler regresses in areas such as potty training, feeding himself, dressing himself, wanting to be carried, and he may want to breastfeed or use a bottle or a pacifier again.
Once the high of the first few weeks after the birth passes, parents also go through an adjustment period when they may feel varying degrees of resentment and guilt for a whole range of reasons.
Ill-feeling toward the baby, the toddler, and each other is not uncommon. The mother may resent the toddler’s intrusion during the time when she is trying to settle into a relationship with the baby, particularly while she is breastfeeding. There is not an easy answer to the breastfeeding dilemma. Standard advice suggests that toddlers will settle with a treat, special activities, or a favorite TV show while the breastfeeding is underway, but the reality in many homes is that the toddler is not going to settle for anything. He somehow knows that this is a time when he has quite a deal of power to disrupt and make his presence felt and may do so with great determination. Second babies often get their best feedings when someone else is around to occupy the toddler or during the night. They thrive nevertheless.
The mother feels guilty because she is not spending as much time as she used to with her toddler and because no one has taken any photos of the new baby yet. The new baby is in second-hand clothes and is not getting anything like the attention the first baby got.
Mother and father both feel guilty because they are neglecting each other and are now letting the toddler get away with murder because their guilt is making them feel that they have to make life easier for him. In the meantime, the toddler senses that not only has the baby interrupted his life but that his parents no longer know what they are doing, and he starts testing his limits, which makes the parents angrier and guiltier.
Naturally this scenario is not everyone’s experience, but most parents will relate to some aspects of it to some degree.
• Try to keep to your toddler’s routine as much as possible. Be understanding and allow for some flexibility, but keep to the same limits that were in place before the baby arrived.
• Involve your toddler with the care of the baby in ways that are suitable for his stage of development. Toddlers need a lot of supervision and reminders to be gentle, but they can hold the baby, fetch diapers, make the baby smile, let the baby hold their fingers, put an extra cuddly on the baby, and so on.
• Make sure the house is as toddlerproof as possible so your toddler can roam around while you are breastfeeding or busy with the baby and not get into dangerous situations. Staying relaxed about the state of the house (within reason—living in total disarray is extremely stressful for most people) is the only sane approach when you have babies and toddlers around.
• Accept that your toddler might regress temporarily in some areas and might want to be a baby at times. If he knows that he’s free to behave like a baby sometimes without being disparaged, he’ll stop doing it after the novelty wears off. Help him recognize the benefits of being older by emphasizing the things he can do that the baby can’t.
• Above all, stay confident. Everyone gets torn in many directions in the course of family life, especially with the arrival of a new member. Give your children the message that you feel right about what you are doing and they will not feel neglected—in any permanent sense at least.
• Any time you can spend with your toddler without the baby helps enormously. This doesn’t have to be for lengthy periods. Some short but reliable private time together on a regular basis is what’s needed.
• When you can’t do something he wants to do, try not to make the baby the excuse all the time—it’s unavoidable some of the time, of course.
Toddlers need a lot of supervision and reminders to be gentle, but they can hold the baby . . .
• Fathers can help a lot by minding the baby while you do something with the toddler or by doing something interesting with the toddler when you are busy with the baby.
• If he is old enough to understand, prepare him for the fact that babies attract a lot of attention—remind him that he did when he was a baby. Let him know he can be with you if he is feeling lonely or jealous.
• Help him not to feel guilty about jealous feelings by talking to him about feelings, how strong they can be, and the best ways of handling them.
• Obviously the baby has to be protected from physical harm, which means avoiding situations where the toddler may harm her. It also means that you have to teach your toddler that aggressive behavior toward the baby will not be tolerated. However, in doing so, you can still let him know that you understand why he’s being mean.
• Try not to leave the baby’s belongings all over the house under the toddler’s nose.
• Avoid talking about the baby in ways that could hurt your toddler’s feelings—things like “Thank goodness we have a girl this time” or “She’s a much easier baby” and so on. Remember that toddlers can understand much more than they can say.
• It’s also advisable to avoid talking about the baby in negative ways in front of the toddler. For example, “The baby is driving me nuts, she screams all the time,” “Life was much easier before the baby came; now, it’s impossible to do anything,” and so on. Even when it’s not serious, negative talk about the baby within his hearing range gives the toddler permission to be negative too, which is not good for his adjustment to the new situation.
• It’s unrealistic to expect your older child to automatically love the new baby—this will probably happen in time. Encouraging the idea that the baby likes him will help him feel special to his new sister or brother.
• When the age difference between the baby and the toddler is between one and three years, try to synchronize meals and bedtimes once the baby is around twelve months (if not before). You will find it makes a huge difference to your day and your workload.
• Remember that you are only human, and looking after babies and young children is one of the hardest things anyone can do. Blowing your stack sometimes or finding it difficult to manage is completely understandable.
• As time goes by, it all gets easier. It takes about six months for the family to orient themselves after the birth of the second child. Sometime between three and seven months, the initial jealousy passes and your toddler will forget what life was like when he was the only one.
This refers to the fluctuating love and hate, cooperation and competitiveness that has gone on between siblings since the world began. The ways that siblings relate to each other are diverse, ranging from intense affection to intense hostility. These feelings vary tremendously from family to family and from sibling to sibling and tend to wax and wane over time. Some sibling relationships are very durable and last a lifetime; others have little importance once children leave the home and move out into the world.
It is common for most parents to have unrealistic expectations of how well their children are going to get along, and it can be unsettling for them when the inevitable conflict surfaces. Sometimes this is not evident until the younger child is mobile and begins to learn how to hurt the older child. Young children start to learn about each other’s weak spots and how to predict each other’s behavior, not only in the course of competing for their parents’ attention but because they also enjoy the sneaky pleasure derived from the forbidden satisfaction of getting the better of someone. Living with, loving, and learning about one another’s strengths and weaknesses is a valuable experience for children. It teaches them a lot about compromise, competitiveness, and conflict.
Sibling rivalry, or, putting it another way, squabbles, teasing, meanness, and uncooperative behavior toward each other are inevitable unless you only have one child or two with a huge age gap in between. The amount and intensity vary enormously depending on the temperament of the children. It is true that in some families the extent of sibling rivalry is minimal. I notice in my work that conflict between twins, particularly of the same sex, seems to be a lot less than between other siblings. However, sibling rivalry in one form or another tends to surface in most families at some stage. It is better to expect it and deal with it than to waste a lot of energy constantly trying to avoid it.
It is not possible to treat all children equally all the time. Circumstances, ages, personalities, individual talents and characteristics dictate parent responses. Preference for one child is a reality for most parents, but the preference is likely to vary according to the particular stage of development, the day of the week, the time of the year, and the mood the parent is in. Normally most parents are aware of this and treat all their children with a basic goodwill and affection even when one of the children is going through a stage that is particularly irritating.
Favoring one child starts to be destructive if the parents’ attention is constantly centered on that child and he is also allowed privileges denied to his sibling(s).
Drawing unfavorable comparisons between siblings is something most parents do from time to time, but it’s advisable to try to avoid this as much as possible—either directly or in conversations with other adults which children may overhear.
It’s always tempting to try to persuade one child to do something by comparing his stubbornness with the sweet cooperation of his sibling. This is likely to make the stubborn child even more stubborn and foster tense relations between the children. It also puts pressure on the cooperative child to maintain her sweet persona, which is not in her best interests, especially when it all falls apart as it is bound to somewhere along the line.
Regular one-on-one time with each child as they grow is a wonderful way of building a positive relationship with your children. It’s like adding credit to his or her emotional bank. It does not have to be for long periods, but research has shown that children remember happy times spent with their parents more clearly than anything else in family life. As children grow and become closer developmentally, time spent with all the children in a positive way as a family is also important.
There’s a strong tendency for parents to take the disputes more to heart than the children do, and this can add to the conflict. Sometimes this goes back to memories of their own relationships with their siblings or because of unrealistic expectations of how family life should be. If you find yourself getting very distressed by your children’s attitudes toward each other, it can be helpful to think through some of these things and perhaps change the way you are perceiving and handling the situation.
Parents are usually advised to ignore and stay out of as many squabbles as possible, but there are times, especially during the toddler years, when this is not necessarily the best plan. A toddler may be at risk of being hurt. One child might be continually persecuting another, and to keep ignoring that gives the child permission to continue. Parents need to have a flexible but consistent strategy for living with and dealing with their children’s disputes (see below for some ideas). More importantly, they need to agree about the strategy, refuse to take sides, and show their children that they are united and cannot be divided. It is more difficult if you are a sole parent, but again, have a strategy, communicate it clearly to your tribe, and be as consistent as you can.
I am aware that all of this is easy to write and difficult to do. Fights among siblings are universally acknowledged to be an irritating feature of family life that regularly drives most parents batty.
For example:
• No hurting each other (biting, hitting, pinching, and so on).
• No screaming.
• No grabbing toys from each other (toddlers).
• Respect each other’s belongings (older children).
Family rules need changing as children grow and develop.
Toddlers and preschoolers need close supervision and more intervention than older children, especially if there is a baby crawling around as well.
Toddlers have a limited capacity to play together for long periods without a drama. Have realistic expectations and a backup plan for distraction purposes when things get tense.
• Make allowances for each child’s temperament, age, and development. The main aim is to keep the conflict at manageable levels. Continually trying to prevent any conflict at all will waste a lot of your energy and will probably only result in accelerating disputes.
• Communicate a few rules clearly and consistently so that your children know what to expect and what is expected of them.
• Acknowledge the times when they are being nice to each other.
• As long as no one is being physically hurt or victimized, ignore as much of the negative stuff as possible.
• When there are rumbles escalating, distract your tribe with new interests or, if possible, a change of venue.
• Avoid taking sides or spending hours finding out who the guilty party is. Intervention and firm action is needed for deliberate physical injury or continued victimization of one toddler or child.
• When you intervene, do so decisively without agonizing about justice and listening to long tales of woe about who did what to whom. Act firmly.
1. Depending on the situation (the intensity of the aggression and the extent of injury inflicted), start with a firm verbal request to stop the behavior and a short simple explanation of why it is unacceptable.
2. Remove the toy the argument is about or stop the game and redirect them to another activity.
3. Administer some sort of timeout (see page 117) for one or both children depending on your rapid assessment of the situation and the age of the toddlers or children.
Parents are often floored by a sudden show of nastiness by the older child who has appeared to date to love his little brother or sister. It’s usually when the little brother or sister has reached an age when they can be thought of as a child rather than a baby (typically around fifteen to eighteen months). The older child (age three to four) usually starts doing something horrid (punches or takes toys away) very deliberately on a regular basis. Naturally the younger child protests dramatically and noisily. The parents’ sympathies tend to be with the younger child because there’s an expectation that the older child should be behaving in a far more sensible and restrained manner. Parents tend to overestimate the maturity of the older child.
Distressing though this is for the younger child who needs his or her share of sympathy, the older child also needs some help to make his life happier. Simply drawing his attention to the distress of his sibling in an attempt to make him feel guilty is not going to do a great deal.
• Remember that it is normal for the older child to have some ambivalent feelings about his younger sibling even if they have not surfaced until now.
• The nasty behavior probably gives him some feeling of control, even power, which is probably worth risking your displeasure for.
• How often are the children together? Try to arrange for some time away for the older child, doing something he enjoys (playgroup, preschool, or playing at a friend’s house).
• A regular short private time each day with his mother or father is extremely helpful. In a casual way, encourage him to talk about how he feels or read a book and talk about how the characters feel. Perhaps play a game with him in which you take turns or share something of yours with him.
• Let him keep a few precious things that are for his use only. Of course, the younger child should have the opportunity to do that too. Make sure it’s only a few things and that the rules regarding them are very clear.
• When the older child deliberately takes toys away from the younger one or mistreats her, minimal but serious attention is best. Concentrate on how you don’t like the behavior rather than how mean he is being or going on at length about how upset the younger child is. Parents often unconsciously favor the younger child because he or she seems so vulnerable.
• If the negative behavior continues, timeout is the next option.
• Make a point of acknowledging his behavior when he’s being good. Reward him with words and smiles. It’s important to show him that you notice when he’s being cooperative and friendly.
Life with two or more has its ups and downs, and no doubt there will be times when you wonder—why?
However, like most parents, once the initial disruption a new baby brings settles down, you will go on to find immense pleasure in seeing your children growing and developing together. Continuing to balance all your children’s needs takes considerable time and effort throughout their childhood. Make it clear you love them all as individuals and try not to compare them or hold them up as examples to each other.
And take comfort in the fact that the moment of panic you experienced when you saw your toddler stuffing his peanut butter sandwich into the baby’s mouth will become a treasured part of family folklore.