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In a Fish Tank on Land

‘May I borrow a pen please?’

‘A pen?’ an excitable lady squawked, waving her arms elaborately like someone swat ting at least forty flies. She tottered over to the fish tank, her large feet clad in spotted socks and squeezed into a pair of stilettos.

‘Yes please, a pen,’ came the tired voice from somewhere in the tank’s murky water. An elegant hand, fingers adorned with pearl and crystal rings and a wrist stacked with swirly shell brace lets, flopped out of the tank.

‘WE’RE COMMUNICATING!’ the excitable lady wheezed with joy. She tossed a pen into the tank. ‘Me and you. You and me. You and your fin. Me and my socks.’

There was a sigh from inside the tank.

‘I heard that!’ the excitable lady snapped. ‘I’ve installed very sensitive microphones in that tank.’

There was a deliberately loud burp.

‘And that,’ the excitable lady groaned. ‘Oh, I can’t wait to show you to the world! I’ll be famous. They won’t believe how I got you! NOW GIVE THE PEN BACK.’ She banged on the glass before reaching a hand in and wrenching the pen from the mermaid’s grasp. ‘You’re mine now, Arabella Cod.’

‘No!’ Arabella Cod gasped. ‘I hadn’t finished!’

The excitable lady squealed as she caught a flash of pearly fin. ‘What did you write?!’

‘Nothing,’ Arabella Cod said quickly. ‘I … just wanted to hold it.’

The excitable lady twirled around the room, laughing uncontrollably. ‘WHAT A DAY!’ she roared, punching the air. ‘ARABELLA COD, THE MER ­MAID QUEEN, MY PRISONER FOREVER!’ A tiny crab hastily heaved itself out of the tank and scuttled quickly along behind her, carrying a sloppy lump of seaweed.

The excitable lady twirled in its direction.

It froze.

She twirled on her heel once more to face the tank, peering eagerly inside and stroking the glass affectionately. The crab took its chance and scuttled out of the door.

‘Don’t stop until you get there!’ Arabella Cod shouted after it. ‘I’m sure they’ll figure it out! They have to …’

The excitable lady turned to the door. But the crab was gone.

‘Who on earth are you shouting at, you strange lump of fish?’ she spat.

But Arabella Cod said nothing.

Failing to see that crab would be the biggest mistake the excitable lady ever made.