CHAPTER NINE

 

The weather at the weekend was glorious and Oona felt optimistic as she prepared her father’s breakfast. The headmaster had reported an improvement in Sean’s behaviour and the news had eased her mind. While things were going well, she agreed with Mr. Mulvane that a one-to-one would be set up with the school’s chaplain. She was looking forward to seeing Sean later that evening, after his visit to the zoo.

Her father returned from his shift at the bakery. ‘That smells good, but is it good enough to eat?’ he joked.

‘Right!’ She lifted the plate as if to take it away. ‘Next time you can wait till Mam gets back.’ James O’Hara was known to make some remark when anyone else, other than his wife, cooked his food.

‘Put that back; I’ll take me chances.’ Laughing, he pulled off his overalls, rolled them up and placed them by the sink. Then he washed the flour from his hands and tucked in.

‘I wanted a word with you, Dad.’

He stopped eating and egg yolk dripped from his fried bread. ‘Is something wrong?’

‘Not really.’ She sat opposite him and poured two mugs of tea from the aluminium teapot with its blue knitted tea cosy. ‘I wondered if you had managed to talk to Gerry – you know, we talked about it the other night?’

‘Well, yes I did, love.’ He continued to mop up the rest of his breakfast. ‘Although, I’m not sure it’ll be any help where Sean’s concerned but, from what Gerry was telling me, his lad, who’s grown up now, talked about all kinds of stuff to some doctor at the hospital.’

‘What kind of “stuff”?’

‘He didn’t say. People are cagey about family matters. But when the lad was the same age as our Sean is now, he was having nightmares and wetting the bed.’

‘It’s hardly the same thing, is it, Dad?’

‘No, I’ll grant you that. According to Gerry, opening up to a stranger did the trick, so it did. I could find out the name of the doctor. But Gerry’s not on my shift next week.’

‘Thanks anyway, Dad.’ She got up and went round the table to hug him. A smell of yeast from the bakery lingered on her father’s clothes and, at times, felt comforting. ‘Oh, Dad, I wish I didn’t have to put Sean through this. But Mr. Mulvane is arranging a meeting with the school’s priest.’

‘Are you going to be there with him?’ He pushed his plate to the side and stood up. He warmed the pot, scooped in tea from the caddy, and made another brew.

‘I don’t think he’ll want me there. Do you?’

‘Suppose not. I’m sure the headmaster will keep you informed.’

‘Yes, perhaps you’re right. I really miss Eamon and Jacqueline.’

‘I know, love. Sure, they’re a terrible loss to us all, especially the boy.’

‘Well, I hope the priest will be able to get through to him.’

‘It can’t do any harm to try. But say nothing of this to your mother, Oona. There’s no point in getting her worked up.’ He poured himself more tea. ‘Have you time for another?’

‘Sorry, I’m meeting Connie at one o’clock, after she’s had her hair done. You know what she’s like.’ Oona smiled.

‘It’s good to see you smile again, love, so it is. And I know you’ve missed Sean these last few days, but it’s not the first time he’s stayed at Connie’s now, is it? It’ll have done him good. He’ll be all over you when he gets back.’

‘I hope you’re right. It’s been hard, especially as our Connie’s only a stone’s throw away,’ she sighed. ‘I’d better be off. You’ll want to catch some shut-eye, and I want to go down and check on things at the house.’

‘Is that a good idea, love? Are you sure you’re ready for that? You know if you want me to come with you . . .?’

‘Thanks, Dad, but I’ll be fine. It’s not the first time I’ve been back.’

 

***

 

That morning as Oona approached the house, the bright sunlight wrapped itself over the white pebble-dashed walls, set against the green foliage that had grown like wildfire these past three months. She had loved the house from the moment she and Eamon had moved in. Each time she turned the key in the lock now, a strange empty feeling engulfed her and produced knots in her stomach. Today that feeling had lessened and, in spite of everything, she was determined to overcome her despair for Sean’s sake.

Every room in the house held special memories. In the kitchen she switched on the radio before going upstairs. In the bathroom she snipped the corner of a Silvikrin sachet and shampooed her hair, ignoring the clatter of the letterbox. Domestic bills were all she got in the post these days, and she was in no hurry to open them.

As if it were only yesterday, she could picture Jacqueline, splashing about in the bath, submerged in bubbles, her squeals of glee echoing around the house. ‘Oh, Jacqueline baby, how I miss you.’ She choked back a sob. Turning away, she picked up a towel and wrapped it round her head, turban style, then went into the bedroom. Connie and Dessie had spent a whole weekend re-decorating it, but nothing could ever take away the sting of loss. They had done the same with Jacqueline’s room; taken away her toys and put them in the attic, because Oona could not bear to part with them. She had even kept back a few special toys bought for Jacqueline’s birthday.

After drying her hair, she brushed it until it shone and noted how it had grown. She had not been inside a salon for months. These days she needed every penny for more important things.

She pulled on a floral skirt and a white lacy blouse, spread a light coating of red lipstick across her full lips, checked her purse for change, then went downstairs. She scooped up the post and placed it on the hall table, before going to catch the bus.

 

***

 

Connie came out of the salon to a light wind that lifted wisps of her fair hair. She wished now that she had not declined a spray of hair lacquer. Placing a summer scarf over her hairdo, she tied it loosely under her chin and cut through the buzz of shoppers.

At one time the sisters had regularly shopped in the centre of town, enjoying the hawkers down Henry Street and the delights of O’Connell Street. Since the accident, they just didn’t have the heart for it.

Connie admired her sister for the way she was coping with such sadness. The tragedy had rocked everyone who knew them. Whenever she had felt like giving way to her emotions, she had done so by crying herself to sleep in Dessie’s arms. Some days she found it hard to stay brave in front of Oona and Sean, but it was the only way to help them come to terms with their huge loss.

Thoughts of Jacqueline, the little girl with the blonde curls and mischievous grin, still brought a lump to her throat. It made her realise how lucky she was to have Dessie, even though they had no children of their own. She had looked after her sister’s children on many occasions, and Dessie had loved having them. If she felt such a void in her life, God only knew how her sister contemplated each day. It made her a unique human being in Connie’s eyes.

As she approached the park, she saw Oona sitting on one of the park benches, and hurried towards her.

‘I’ve had to fight my way up Grafton Street. Would you look at the crowds? You’d think it was Christmas,’ Connie said, hugging her.

‘It’s this lovely weather. You look hot, Connie. Let’s see if we can find somewhere quiet for a snack.’ They left the park and turned into Wexford Street. ‘I can’t wait to hear how you got on with Sean. I’ve missed him so much. It was a penance keeping away.’

‘Yes, but I’m glad you let him stay. We’ve enjoyed having him around the place, although he spent more time playing outside with Tommy than he did with us.’ She peered through the window of a bistro. ‘Let’s go in here. I can see a couple of seats in the corner.’

When they sat down, Connie said, ‘He’ll be back from the zoo about six, and I reminded him to go straight home and let you know he was back safely.’

‘Thanks, Sis. I do appreciate what you do, even if I don’t say it sometimes. And I’m sorry I was in a mood the other evening. It’s just—’

‘Don’t worry about it,’ Connie said good-humouredly, removing her headscarf and patting her hair.

‘Is that one of the new soft perms?’

‘Yes! I was fed up with it straight. Do you like it?’

‘Umm . . . but knowing you, it’ll be different the next time I see you. By the way,’ Oona leant in close, ‘did Sean behave himself?’

‘Ah, sure he was grand. What do you want to eat?’ Connie glanced at the menu.

Smiling, Oona realised that she would get nothing more out of Connie until she had food in front of her. ‘I’ll have a ham sandwich and one of those scrumptious-looking cakes, please.’

‘Oh, go on. I’ll have the same.’ Connie watched the server jot down their order. ‘Oh, and tea for two as well, please. It’s all right for you, Oona Quinn. I only have to look at a cake and I put on weight.’

‘You’ll dance it off tonight.’

‘Well, I hope so. But we might end up at the cinema if Dessie feigns tiredness, on the grounds that Sean has worn him out playing football.’

Their food arrived and they began to eat the freshly-made sandwiches. ‘This place is doing a roaring trade. Look, it’s packed already.’ Oona glanced around at the other diners, all engrossed in conversation against a background of clinking cutlery.

‘What was Sean like in the mornings? Did he get up for school okay? And he didn’t give you any cheek?’

‘I only called him once. I think he’s settling down again.’

‘Oh, that’s good. And he’s back in the headmaster’s good books.’

‘Well, there you are then.’ Connie sipped her tea. ‘But, according to Dessie, Sean can’t wait to grow up so he can go and live in England.’

‘I wonder what made him say that.’

‘He thinks he’ll have a chance to play for Manchester United, or work for one of the clubs there.’ Connie leaned back in her chair. ‘Now, you have to laugh. It’s just the kind of thing kids say. Remember when you and I dreamed of marrying a prince and living in a fairy castle?’

‘That was a fairytale, our Connie. Sean’s dreams could well become reality.’

‘Yes, maybe. But not for a long time yet.’

Oona placed the half-eaten cake back onto the plate. She was aware how over-protective she had become, but she couldn’t help how she felt. Thoughts of losing him, however far down the line, worried her deeply.

‘Come on,’ Connie said. ‘Let’s do some shopping. It’s been ages. They’ve got those new three-tiered skirts in Dunnes Stores.’

 

***

 

The two sisters flopped down on the sofa in Oona’s lounge, dropping the bags of shopping at their feet. It was a beautiful room – light and airy, comfortably furnished with the latest G-plan furniture. Connie glanced at the walls decorated with photos of Oona’s lost loved ones. The glass cabinet displayed some of Jacqueline’s toys, including her favourite doll. ‘It must be lonely, with all the memories. I couldn’t stand it if… you know?’ Connie said.

‘Well, yes… it is.’ Oona sighed. ‘I… I wouldn’t recommend it. I’ve never been aware of the clock ticking before and now, sometimes, I feel like throwing it in the river, but then the silence would be unbearable.’

Connie leaned across and hugged her. ‘You don’t have to be on your own, you know.’

‘I have to get used to it, Connie. Come on, let’s look at what you’ve bought.’ She picked up one of the bags, lifting out a white skirt. ‘I don’t know, our Connie, you must have more money than sense.’ Oona stood up and held it against her.

‘You keep it,’ Connie offered. ‘You’ll have to exchange it for a smaller size, or get Mam to put a few tucks in it.’

‘No, I can’t do that. You’re wearing it tonight!’ Folding it, she placed the skirt back inside the bag.

‘It’s yours,’ Connie insisted, pushing the bag towards her. ‘I can always wear something else.’

‘It is lovely. Thanks, Connie. It’ll go with my sapphire blouse. I hope Sean likes his new shirt. He’s growing so fast I can’t keep him in trousers, never mind shirts.’

‘I know you missed Sean these last few days, Oona. Having him to stay has made me broody again. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever conceive.’

‘You mustn’t say that, Connie. It will happen when you’re least expecting it. Look at Mrs. Kelly. She’s expecting again. And she waited years for her first.’

‘I know. Life’s so unfair.’ Connie bit her lip. ‘Oh, God! I’m sorry. Look at me, feeling sorry for myself.’

‘Oh, don’t be silly. It’s natural that you should want a baby. You’ll make a wonderful mother.’ She got up and went towards the kitchen. ‘I’ll put the kettle on.’

‘Not for me.’ Connie gathered up her bags. ‘Dessie won’t think of taking the washing in once he’s watching the football. Besides, Sean will be home soon and you need time alone with him.’

‘Thanks, Connie – you know, for everything.’ She watched her sister waddle down the garden path, balancing her shopping on both arms, and closed the door.

Oona was busy in the kitchen when Sean ran in. ‘Hi! I’m back.’

‘Hello, Sean.’ She wiped her hands on the tea towel. ‘Oh, it’s good to have you home. Did you have a nice time?’

‘Yes. I like being with Tommy. He’s not like the kids at school.’

‘Oh, how’s that?’

‘He’s fourteen. He knows everything.’

‘Does he now?’

Oona, unable to bear the distance between them any longer, pulled him to her like a monkey clinging to its young. ‘Are you glad to be home?’

‘Yes. Give over, Mam.’ He pulled away. ‘Can I go upstairs?’

‘Don’t you want something to eat? It’ll be ready in a minute.’

‘I’m not hungry. We had chips.’

‘Oh, okay. I thought we could talk.’ She pulled out a chair.

‘What have I done now?’ he scowled.

‘Nothing… just . . . we need to clear the air, Sean.’

He lowered his eyes. ‘I’ll try not to get into any more trouble. Promise.’

‘Well, that’s good. But we need to talk… you know, like we used to.’

‘Erm…What about?’

‘Well, sometimes there are things that need to be said, no matter how painful.’ She swallowed. ‘Do you know what I’m saying, Sean?’

He pondered a moment then glanced up. ‘Is this about me having a talk with Father Michael?’

‘Well, yes, but—’

‘It won’t bring me dad back,’ he snapped.

‘I know that, love, but it helps to talk about it. And, if you have something on your mind,’ she moved closer, ‘like, what you said to me at Grandad’s.’

He traced his finger along the edge of the table then eased himself from the chair. She touched his arm, forcing him to sit back down. ‘I do understand… I know how confused you must be.’

‘Don’t want to talk about it. Can I go now?’

Every nerve in her body tightened, until she felt like shaking him. ‘No, you can’t. Now sit down. You’ve got to stop this nonsense, Sean, and talk to me. Life’s hard enough without you shutting me out. Whatever it is you think I’ve done, talk to me, and we can sort it out.’

His jaw moved from side to side, and he sucked in his cheeks. ‘It’s nothin’!’

‘Why is it my fault? How in God’s name am I to blame for what happened?’

‘You sent me dad and Jacqueline for the stupid birthday cake,’ he yelled. ‘You promised you’d pick it up. And if… if you had, me dad would have been at the football club with me,’ he jumped up. ‘So it’s your fault he’s dead!’ he cried. Oona pulled him into her arms. She could taste the salt from his tears.

‘It was an accident, Sean.’ A sob caught in her throat. ‘I’ve blamed myself for weeks over not being able to collect the cake. I’m so sorry, love. My heart’s broken, just like yours is.’ She sighed. His blaming her was understandable to her now. He was only a child: who else could he blame?

‘I could have gone with them,’ he sniffed. ‘Dad asked me to.’

‘Thank God, you didn’t. I’d have lost you too!’

‘So? I wish I were dead,’ he snapped.

‘No, love. You don’t mean that. In time you’ll see there was nothing either of us could have done.’ And for the few moments he stayed in her arms, she calmly reassured him. ‘I love you. We have each other and a good family to be grateful for. I’ll never let you down again, I promise.’

Later, as they sat together watching television, she managed to get him to smile. When she handed him his new shirt, his eyes brightened and he rushed upstairs to try it on.

That night, when Sean kissed her goodnight, she felt the gap between them gradually closing.