‘Who-was-the-greatest-player-ever?’ debates usually end up with two names competing for the winning vote:
PELÉ
This Brazilian legend scored 1,281 goals in a career that redefined footballing greatness. From his initial appearance in the 1958 World Cup, where at the age of 17 he scored two of the goals that won Brazil the final, to his retirement in 1977, he was acknowledged as the most astoundingly skillful player in the world – especially by himself. There is not much point in disputing it.
Far greater value is to be gained by learning Pelé’s real name: Edson Arantes do Nascimento. Useful for showing off, but be careful not to do it with your mouth full. Pelé has always claimed that he has never understood the provenance of his nickname, although popular belief has it that it is the Portuguese word for ‘pearl’. In fact ‘pele’ means ‘skin’ in Portuguese.
Argentinian star whose breathtaking skills on the ball confounded entire defences, but whom England fans will forever associate with England’s exit from the 1986 World Cup. Advancing one-on-one against the England goalkeeper Peter Shilton to meet a high ball with his head, Maradona instead raised his arm to punch the ball into the net. This was blatantly obvious to Shilton, to the other players, to the crowd in the stadium, and to millions of TV viewers around the world. Unfortunately there was one person to whom it was not obvious – the referee. He gave the goal, Argentina won the match 2-1, and England were out of the tournament. Even Maradona himself went halfway to admitting he had cheated, saying that the goal had been scored ‘with the hand of God’. Coincidentally, England fans to this day still respond to any mention of Diego Maradona with a gesture in which the hand also features quite heavily.
OTHER NAMES
When it comes to more recent rivals for the title of ‘greatest ever’, the two most oft-quoted names are the French international Zinedine Zidane (aka ‘Zizou’) and the Argentinian ‘little master’ Lionel Messi (aka Messi).
Zidane, who helped his country win the 1998 World Cup and 2000 European Championship, is a strong contender. But he is perhaps, and somewhat unfairly, best remembered for the final match of his career, the 2006 World Cup Final, in which he was sent off for headbutting an opponent in the chest. Earn some extra bluffing points for demolishing an urban myth that has grown up about Zidane since his retirement, namely that he went his entire career without ever being caught offside. In fact this is untrue; he was caught offside at least four times. This is still an incredibly low figure for an attacking midfielder – but your awareness of the truth will mark you out as a fully paid member of the footballing cognoscenti.
Lionel Messi is very hard to argue against (even if he has been recently embroiled in tax fraud allegations). In 2012 he became the first player ever to score five goals in a Champions League match. Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger has said that Messi is so good he’s ‘like a PlayStation player’. Nevertheless, when everyone’s raving about him so much, you can stand out from the crowd by nominating a less frequently mentioned, but massively talented, footballer as the greatest player ever.
A good choice is Johan Cruyff, whose deftness and poise on the ball entertained millions during his time in the great Holland side of the 1970s, as well as a club career that included winning three successive European Cups with Ajax. Highlight the fact that he achieved his incredible feats of athleticism despite being a heavy smoker. That sort of thing appeals to football fans.
A safe choice for the greatest defender ever is Franz Beckenbauer. He became famous as the first player to see the attacking possibilities of this role; having successfully prevented a goal, he would quickly push forward and split open the opposition with a single, perfectly placed pass, thereby allowing his own side to score. You can feel confident about commending him to English fans even though he’s German. Yes, he really was that good.
GREAT DOMESTIC PLAYERS
SIR STANLEY MATTHEWS
Mercurial midfielder whose dazzling skills earned him the nickname ‘the Wizard of Dribble’. Dribbling is what pundits tend to do when they eulogise about his performance in the 1953 FA Cup Final, when he consistently outfoxed his Bolton Wanderers opponents. What they never mention is that Blackpool won the match thanks to a Stan Mortensen hat-trick; Matthews didn’t score a single goal.
SIR BOBBY CHARLTON
Played in England’s World Cup-winning side of 1966. Scored more goals for England than anyone else (49). Many of these were aided by the fact that the opposing defenders were too busy laughing at his hairstyle (a magnificent comb-over) to concentrate on the ball.
BRYAN ROBSON
His leadership of Manchester United and England earned him the nickname ‘Captain Marvel’. In 1982 he scored what was at the time thought to be the fastest-ever goal in the history of the World Cup finals – 27 seconds.
KENNY DALGLISH
Played for Celtic and Liverpool in the 1970s and 1980s, building a knowledge of the game that is second to none. Unfortunately his totally incomprehensible Scottish accent means that he can’t pass any of it on. This linguistic handicap was also probably one of the reasons for his summary dismissal as manager by Liverpool’s American owners at the end of the 2011/12 season.
GARY LINEKER
One of the most prolific goalscorers of the modern era. Never booked or sent off (largely because his permanent position – two feet out from the goal line – meant he was rarely close enough to the play to foul anyone).
GRAEME SOUNESS
Played for Liverpool and was renowned for his uncompromising tackling. (That’s ‘uncompromising’ in the sense that Mount Kilimanjaro is ‘a bit of a climb’.)
GLENN HODDLE
Spurs and England midfielder cited by many as the most naturally gifted player of his generation. Affectionately known as ‘Glenda’, he became England manager before being sacked for comments concerning reincarnation (and some other weird stuff involving clairvoyants.) His name subsequently became student rhyming slang for ‘doddle’.
PAUL GASCOIGNE
At the beginning of his career, discussions about Gazza usually contained the words ‘genius’, ‘gifted’ and ‘sublime’. It’s important – if tragically ironic – to remember that.
GEORGE BEST
As a teenage prodigy from Belfast, Best signed with Manchester United in 1963, and went on to win both the First Division and the European Cup with them. His skills on the ball were legendary; so was his drinking. As for his off-the-field activities, use Best’s own remark: ‘I spent 90% of my money on drink, women and fast cars. The rest I wasted.’
MICHAEL OWEN
First shot to attention at the 1998 World Cup, when a wonder goal against Argentina made him the youngest player ever to score for England (he was 18 – it wasn’t until 2003 that the record was broken, by Wayne Rooney). Unfortunately his early promise was never completely fulfilled. Playing most of his career at Liverpool meant he was doomed never to win the Premier League. Playing for England meant he was doomed never to win a major trophy. Rarely are multimillionaires described as ‘doomed’ – but football fans like to dwell on negatives.
RYAN GIGGS
His longevity in Manchester United’s first team brought him the unusual achievement of being the only player to score in every season of the Premier League’s history. A Twitter naming campaign brought him the less enviable achievement of having his alleged extra-marital scoring record plastered all over the Internet – the same Internet that had barely existed when he made his United debut in 1991.
FRANK LAMPARD
A firm favourite with fans of his long-time club Chelsea, Lampard is a useful card to play when it comes to the ‘Are there any intelligent footballers?’ discussion. Not only does his reported IQ of over 150 qualify him for Mensa, he also achieved 11 GCSEs, including an A* in Latin.
WAYNE ROONEY
The Manchester United and England star has come a long way since his first appearance on a Premier League pitch; as a spud-faced nipper of 11 he was the mascot for his beloved Everton when they played Liverpool during the 1996/7 season. Rooney is an equally useful card to play when it comes to the ‘Are there any intelligent footballers?’ discussion. But only if your answer is, ‘No’.
STEVEN GERRARD
The Liverpool midfielder and England captain is unusual for sharing with Ryan Giggs the rare distinction of having only played for one club. But never say never. In 2009 Zinedine Zidane said of him that he was the best player in the world. To date he is the only footballer to have scored a goal in both domestic cup competitions, a UEFA Cup final, and a Champions League final.
DAVID BECKHAM
What is there left to say about the lachrymose multi-tattooed midfield dynamo and darling of the England football establishment? Only one thing: ‘Arise Sir David.’ It’s only a matter of time. In the meantime the man widely known as ‘Goldenballs’ will continue to represent England and the UK at all major sporting events, hobnob with royalty and political leaders, and show off his impressively packed underpants on advertising hoardings around the world. In footballing terms, he is the most capped England outfield player, with 115 appearances, and he has been described as having a right foot ‘like a scalpel’. By all accounts he’s also a jolly good chap, and no one should begrudge him his estimated £165 million fortune. Not at all.