Ajax One of the great teams of European football, from Amsterdam, pronounced ‘eye-acks’ and not like the cleaning powder.
Back-heel Clever way of passing the ball that catches your opponents unawares. Usually it comes off the side rather than the back of the heel, giving your opponents a throw-in they weren’t expecting.
Bicycle-kick The act of somersaulting backwards to kick the ball while your foot is up in the air. When performed by a professional it often wins ‘Goal of The Month’. When performed in your local park it usually results in concussion or a broken neck.
Bonus The financial reward, over and above their normal salary, offered to players if they perform well (by winning a match, scoring a certain number of goals, etc.). A less conventional bonus was offered by Turkish belly dancer Sether Seniz who allegedly offered to sleep with any member of her national team who scored a goal against West Germany. Strangely, the defenders were far less happy about this proposal than the attacking players.
Cabbage patch A muddy, uneven pitch. When your team loses on a cabbage patch, the game should never have gone ahead. When they win, it was the same for both sides.
Diving A dramatic feat of agility practised by strikers in the opposition penalty area, designed to trick referees into thinking they have been brutally scythed down by psychotic defenders. The expressions ‘dying swan routine’ and ‘Oscar-winning performance’ have been popularised as a means of describing this technique, best exemplified by German forward Jürgen Klinsmann who endeared himself to supporters the world over by making a dive part of his goal celebrations. (And who said Germans couldn’t do irony?)
Donkey An ineffective player.
Early bath An expression that describes the premature departure of a player from the field for misconduct.
Feint Tricking a defender by pretending to kick the ball one way, then quickly kicking it another. Astonishingly, highly paid professional footballers still fall for this old ruse, week in, week out.
Fifty-fifty ball A ball that two players, one from each side, have an equal chance of reaching. Also so-called because more often than not both of them will need 50 stitches in their head wounds after the challenge.
Goalhanger A forward player who ‘hangs’ around the opposition’s goal in the hope of tapping in a loose ball without contributing much else to the game. Also known as a ‘poacher’ or a ‘Lineker’.
Hairdryer The term for an effective means of communication with an underperforming player, invented by the former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson. It involves getting up close and personal with the player and shouting so loud that the force of your breath dries their hair.
Handbags at dawn An expression describing the spectacle of two players squaring up and threatening each other with violence. It is a parody of the notion of a gentlemen’s duel with pistols. Sometimes just referred to as ‘handbags’.
In the hole An attacking position just behind the main strikers. Usually occupied by someone who plays as if he’s stuck in one.
Man-marking A defensive system wherein you are allocated one particular opponent to track for the entire match. Usually involves whispered compliments on the quality of his wife’s breakfasts.
Nutmeg The act of playing the ball between an opponent’s legs. Seen as the ultimate insult. If you insist on playing park football, under no circumstances nutmeg anyone. If it happens by mistake, prebook your ambulance there and then.
On a free Transfer of a player from one club to another while he’s out of contract, so no fee applies. Nothing else about modern football is free, at least not for the fan.
One-two Receiving the ball from a teammate and playing it immediately back to him as he quickly moves to a new position. Even more complicated passing manoeuvres would be possible if footballers could count any higher than two.
Pen Abbreviation for ‘penalty’, the only kind of pen with which most professional footballers have any familiarity.
Pickles The dog who found the stolen World Cup trophy in a hedge, shortly before the 1966 tournament. As a reward, he was allowed to lick the plates clean after England’s victory banquet. Many of the English team’s subsequent World Cup campaigns have also been associated with the phrase ‘dog’s dinner’.
Reading the game Anticipating the imminent movements of other players to give you a competitive advantage. For many players it is the only type of reading they do, apart from Twitter.
Rotation system Tactic by which a manager can annoy a different group of players every week by leaving them on the substitutes’ bench.
Sick as a parrot Time-honoured footballing expression for a state of mind that is less-than-brimming with joy. Etymological origin unknown.
Total football A system pioneered by the great Holland team of the 1970s, where conventional formations were abandoned in favour of excellence all over the pitch. Not to be confused with the England system which is total something else.
Triple somersault What a player performs if an opposition defender so much as nudges him in the penalty area.
Upright Common term for a goalpost. Little else in the modern game merits the use of this word.