Before I go to bed I think of a new way to make friends.

Gumtree advertisements.

I’ll make Gumtree advertisements for rooms that don’t exist and when people come over to view a room I’ll be like, ‘Sit down — would you like some wine or maybe a plate of crackers and hummus?’

I’ll casually lay out some buy-one-get-one-free coupons from Strike Bowling and when they say, ‘This house seems … cosy, but the price is great,’ I’ll laugh and shake my head like we’ve known each other for a long time.

I’ll say, ‘Yeah, house-hunting is really hard. Everything is so expensive. But you know what isn’t expensive? Strike Bowling.’

Outside it is windy and there is a plant scraping my window.

I check my iPhone and there’s a missed call from Bear but it’s almost one a.m. and probably too late to call back.

In bed I think about my fourth-grade teacher.

She used to say, ‘A good way to remember how to spell “friend” is: “fry” the “end” off my “friend”.’

Mostly it confused me.

It also made me think about people sitting on barbeques.

Just, like, lots of people smiling with their arses getting burned on barbeques.

Everyone in their backyards existing somewhere next to golf courses.