My Friend Said He Jerked Off with a Pizza Once and I Said 'Woah'

At school my friend told us his mum had caught him with porn. He was real cut up about it. We were eating pizza. My friend said, ‘Man, what the fuck. Fucking grounded, man.’ Someone asked how he got caught and my friend said, ‘The video store called my mom ’cause the porn was overdue and there were fucking late fees, dude.’

A year passed. I was speaking to my friend over AOL Instant Messenger. I said, ‘Wanna play b-ball?’ and he said, ‘Nah bro, can’t.’ I said, ‘Why?’ and he said, ‘My parents got some fucking guy to clean our computer and I’d hidden all my porn in this folder called “school work” and he still found it. So fucking pissed.’

A month passed. We went over to my friend’s house. My friend had shaved his head and people were saying how it looked ‘badass’. I asked my friend’s mum how I would look with a shaved head and she paused, crinkled her nose and said, ‘Your head’s too smallllll. You’d look like an egggggg.’ When she spoke it seemed like she ‘didn’t give a fuck’. I thought: try to get ahead in life by not giving a fuck.