This is Everything We’ve Worked So Hard For

Close to where I lived, there was this water park called SplashTown. We used to go there in the summer. People would walk around eating Dippin’ Dots ice-cream and churros. There was a lazy river and a wave pool and rides with names like Space Mountain and The Toilet Bowl. Sometimes my friend would come with us. Sometimes, in the lazy river, my friend would swim into people who were cuddling or ‘making out’. Often they floated on inner tubes, and he would swim into the tubes and surface into their arses, going, ‘Aww, watch it.’ Then swim away.

Next to the wave pool there was this log that you could try and walk across. My friend would walk halfway across the log and start yelling. He would pause in the middle of the log and begin swaying, yelling, ‘Ahhhh, ohhhh, eeeee, waitttt!’ Then he would drop onto the log, like, nutting himself. People would swim over and ask if he was okay and he would yell, ‘No, I will not make out with you.’

One time at the beginning of summer my friend wanted to buy this kid’s rollerblades. When his mum arrived, she said, ‘I’m not giving you money to buy second-hand rollerblades.’ He paused for a second like he didn’t know what to do. Then he pointed at his mum and said, ‘Fuck you.’ He said, ‘Fuck you, mom,’ and pegged the rollerblades sideways, smashing them against a concrete wall.