WE WENT BACK TO MD Anderson in April after four treatments were over. Again, we took advantage of the time and tried to make a mini-vacation out of it. What happened there however, was the last thing I expected.
The tumors were gone! After all of my doom and gloom, the tumors were gone! We were ecstatic with the news. The bad news was that he ordered four more treatments since they were working so well, but this was an easier pill to accept. It’s odd, but I could feel the transformation take place in my head. As I sat in that leather chair, I felt my chest fill with air and I returned to a winning mentality. It felt a lot like a baseball game, when you’re down by two runs and then all of a sudden your guy hits a three run homer to take the lead. We were back on top.
It was all I could do to maintain some sort of caution. As happy as I was, I knew it could come back. Not only did the doctor stress to us that even in the midst of this great news we weren’t out of the woods, we knew for ourselves that it could come back from out of nowhere. It can always come back from out of nowhere.
It was hard to temper this kind of excitement so we told the kids and I told my mom and my sisters. I felt like I was in the dugout after that three run homer. Even though that other team is still just as dangerous, you feel like you’ve got the upper hand now. It is as if you are playing to win instead of just going through the motions and prolonging the loss.
The new treatments were going to take us into July and they beat her up equally each time. You would think that with the news and the brighter outlook that my lifestyle would have changed and I would have started making better choices, but sadly they didn’t. Unfortunately my party habits didn’t subside.
Gina and I still had these walls between us and even with the better prognosis that didn’t change the fact that we weren’t doing well as a couple. Our communication at this point had become almost nonexistent. Spiritually we had drifted apart. As lovers, we couldn’t be colder to each other. At this point I had about as much intimacy with my wife as I did with the woman at the 7-Eleven down the street. None.
I still craved the belonging and the attention that my newfound ‘friends’ gave me, so I continued to go out. It got bad enough that a few times when Gina felt well enough, she would have to come and pick me up. There was even a time when Gina had to go out at four in the morning to gather me up and drive me home. It sickens me to look back on it now but I realize that I was reaching out for something. That doesn’t make it right and sure as hell doesn’t make it sit easier in my stomach. I called it my private stress reliever but in reality it was nothing more than a pity party for us all. When you’re running from something and you’re hanging with other people who are running, it seems ok. But to be blatantly honest, we were all acting like a bunch of losers.
The odd thing was Gina never knew about the drugs. I was good; I was able to mask it well. She thought I was just out drinking and letting loose. This was probably easily believable because I’ve always been one to enjoy a cocktail. But like anyone who dabbles in that shit, I was way too caught up with it. I was a 39-year-old man with a wife, a house, kids, and a great job. I was just relieving some stress. But if it was casual use then why the hell would I bust that shit out at home?
I’ve got news for you; do it once and you’re hooked. Maybe not to the point where it takes over your life, and you might not even ever do it again. But knowing that you have the option will always sit in the back of your mind. Especially when you’re in a situation like this, you’re surrounded by temptation and if you fall into its trap, you’ll find a thousand ways to justify it. You might be able to fool yourself, I sure as hell did, but you can’t fool someone with an unclouded view. It’s simple. Do it and you’re hooked, even if it’s just that devil sitting on your shoulder.
I broke her heart in August when she walked in the living room and caught me about to partake with my buddy. Rightfully so, she freaked out. The problem was I was so screwed up in my own mind (not high, I mean literally screwed up in my line of thinking) that I was acting like a teenager. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just let it ride. I mean, we were adults, right?
The next thing she did was probably the meanest, but the best thing anyone could think of. Of course she kicked my friend out right then and there, but that wasn’t it. She told the kids. When I was sleeping she told the kids what Daddy was doing. You want humiliating? Try waking up and having your six- and eight-year-old daughters and your sixteen-year-old son talk to you about what you’re doing. That was the most humiliating morning I’ve ever had in my life. I was disgusted with myself.
They say that the devil has ways of getting his hooks into you. He tried and failed with the infidelity, but he took another swing and got me. Thankfully that hurt look in my angels’ faces was all it took to win myself back.