MY MIND WAS SPINNING. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that we went from completely clean in January to this, only eight months later. After we were able to calm down a bit, Gina went to the washroom to run some water over her face and I took the opportunity to call my folks and my sister to tell them the news. Thankfully my mom didn’t break down into tears when I told her. Neither did Robyn, although she told me later that was the news she was pretty much expecting.
About an hour or so later the phone rang. It was our neighbor Jamie and her boyfriend Dale, a young couple that we knew. They happened to be in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by to say hello and hang out for a bit. Obviously they had no clue of the news we had just gotten. Here we were, standing in the ruins of our world that had just come crashing down, and just on the other end of the phone was this cute, young, full-of-life couple asking us if they could stop by for some smiles and wine. I had answered the phone on speaker and just as I was about to say no, Gina blurted out, “…Come on over.” I looked at Gina with amazement.
When Jamie & Dale arrived we didn’t tell them the news right away and I’m really glad we didn’t. As the wine flowed the news ended up coming out, but looking back at that first thirty minutes or so we were just couples hanging out. More than that, that was the last time we were ever able to just hang out with some friends without a cloud of death hovering over their view of her. They only stayed a few hours but that few hours was such a blessing for us. I’m not saying it made things easier because it didn’t, but it sure as hell made the night slide by a little smoother. I’m firmly convinced God placed them there to cheer us up and help us through that night.
We never did tell the kids that day. Between collecting ourselves before Jamie and Dale came over and drinking wine we didn’t talk to them about it. It wasn’t a conscious decision but something that just kind of transpired. When we finally went to bed that night we were somewhat at peace. There was no wallowing. I’m sure the wine helped. We talked about it a little as we were changing for bed. I know we discussed some of the options that the doctor mentioned and wondered about some others, most notably chemo. I remember that even at that point, she was hesitant about chemo again. I thought about really getting into the discussion but I figured it was best to let it go for another day.
We laid down in bed and for the first time, I held her knowing that she was going to die. Even though the doctor didn’t say that per se, I knew what he had implicitly told us. I closed my eyes and took everything in. The way her body felt underneath my arms. The way her hair felt on my face. The way she smelled. I closed my eyes and let the wine buzz and all the beautiful things that were my wife lull me to sleep.