IT NEVER GETS EASIER to hear and you can never prepare yourself for a statement like that. Even if it’s what you expect to hear, it still jelly legs you. When he told us that he was anticipating she had five or six months left, the cold reality really hit us both. There were tears, but nobody really broke down. I can’t even tell you the despair I felt when we walked out of that room.
This is going to sound selfish, but I was awkwardly quiet as we left and walked towards the car. Even though I was expecting bad news I had a hard time grasping it. This was the first time I left there with absolutely no hope of anything. At least before there was something to hope for, some sort of chance, even if I chose not to grab onto it. When we finally got in the car, I lost it.
You’ll learn that you’ll have moments where tears come like a tidal wave and there is no warning that they’re coming. This was one of those moments. I started crying uncontrollably. I was so out of sorts that Gina actually started calming me! I wish I was stronger at that moment and that I would have handled it better, but you never know what your mind and body are going to do when you get that sort of news. Here I was, the man of the house and the big strong husband, so out of sorts that my dying wife was consoling me!
When we got home that afternoon, we sat down and talked to the kids. They were already pretty aware of the situation even though I don’t think they completely comprehended it at the time. The next thing we did was call her family not just to tell them the news, but to make arrangements to bring everyone in. And when I say everyone, I mean everyone: Mom, Dad, her three sisters, one of which had two boys. I flew them all into Chicago and put them all up in a hotel not too far from the house.
That night was a hard one. We lied in bed and believe it or not, there we were, dancing around it again. We lied there and talked about nothing. To be honest, it was probably better because I don’t know if I heard a word she said and my guess is she didn’t hear me either. While I have no idea what was running through her head, all I could think about was the fact that my wife was going to die.
I spent the next few days freaking out about the unknown future that was lurking in front of me. I spent more time worrying about the imminent death and destruction it would leave, instead of dealing with the present. Think of walking through a haunted house. You don’t look around at where you are, but you are scared shitless of what is going to come out of the blackness two or three steps in front of you. That’s what I felt like. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but I was so focused on it that it consumed me. One thing I did was decide that I was going to work on her timeline. After all, she heard the same news that I did. I didn’t want her to feel like I was hustling her into death by pushing for us to take care of everything, but I promised myself that I would work on her timeline.
I started to formulate some things in my mind. First I figured if the doctor was telling us five or six months, then we weren’t going to make it to summer. Since I had nothing else to look forward to, I knew full well that every minute from there on out was more than precious, so I started looking at dates. The first big date coming up was Christmas. In past years I’d spend a lot of time at the office around now. I always had a lot of year-end deadlines so I would work and she would take care of all the shopping and gift-wrapping on her own. Not this year. I pulled back considerably from work and focused on Gina like a kid with a new puppy. It was tough getting in the Christmas spirit, but I tried with full force. We did it all together. Shopping, decorating, wrapping presents. You name it and we did it together, and I have to admit, I’m so glad we did. I’m embarrassed that it took her death sentence for me to embrace it like that, but I’m glad I at least did for that year because I loved it. I wish we would have done it more that way.
Those next few weeks leading up to Christmas I spent with one focus: her. I was able to fight off the depression and ‘finality’ of it all, but I didn’t do it alone. That battle was won with the help of some booze and other mind-altering substances every now and again. It wasn’t an everyday thing—I limited it to Fridays—but it gave me something to look forward to and it really helped me shake off the feeling of death. I know it sounds shallow and shitty and you’re right, it is. I’d advise against it to anybody reading this, but I have to be honest and say it got me through.
I know I’m talking pretty much about me and not the kids but that’s because at this point Gina still pretty much handled them. Jackie was only six-years-old so she was still pretty oblivious to the whole situation. Amber stayed a pretty normal course but Gina eased through those waters with her. Jackson was the one who was really struggling. He was visibly upset and wasn’t coping well at all, and there wasn’t much anyone could do to help him. He loved his Mom.