BY THIS POINT YOU could easily see her deteriorating. Her legs and feet were starting to swell a lot and she was in pain all the time. She was really starting to feel self-conscious about it too even though she would never admit it. It was hard for me to watch her deteriorate into this geriatric, carcass of her self. She never was one to bitch and moan although truth be told, I wish she would have. That was always one of my problems with Gina from the day we met and it went down right to the very end…. You always had to read her mind. I talked with her about it a million times…to the point where she would call me “Tina,” because my desire to talk and communicate so much was like a woman’s.
That’s probably what fueled my anger so much. I know it sounds crazy as I sit here and talk about how much I love her and how much I was enveloping her, but I was angry. Even today, I’m still angry. I wasn’t mad at her per se. Our communication disconnects still eats away at me, but in general I had this non-directional anger. I was mad at life in general and I sure as hell was mad at God. In the midst of the holiest of seasons, that is supposed to be all about family and religion and kids, God was taking away my wife and cheating my kids out of their mother. I won’t go as far as to say I denounced God, but I was angry as hell, that’s for sure.
You might feel this way too and that’s okay. It’s okay to be mad at God but at the end of the day, that’s where most of us ultimately go for comfort.
What was worse was that Gina was falling deeper and deeper into her faith, but she wouldn’t share it with me. I think it was something she felt was personal between her and God and there was no room for anyone else. I tried to involve myself but she was pretty steadfast about keeping me out so I didn’t pry. I was hurt but I didn’t pry.
Even still, I tried to make the best of it. Our relationship had grown stronger probably in part due to my heightened sense of appreciation for her. I didn’t treat her with pity, but I did treat her with much more adoration than I had in years. As a couple, our love had grown strong again. Physically we were shattered. Her body was shutting down and she was in so much pain that sex was completely out of the question. I also started to shy away from physically touching her. I didn’t hug her or hold her though I wish I would have. I thought it was too painful for her but to be honest, it was also awkward and uncomfortable for me. Imagine trying to hold your wife, the same woman that you’ve held for years, and not feeling comfortable doing it because you might hurt her? I pansied out when in reality, I should have forced myself through it more.
She wanted to be upstairs in bed almost continually at this point. She would fight through the early part of the day the best she could when the kids were home, but even that was getting to be difficult for her which in turn made it difficult for me. Even with her still home and with us, I was already starting to feel like a single dad. Worse yet, I was already starting to feel lonely.