CHRISTMAS EVE FINALLY CAME and I was fighting to feel festive. As the day crept closer, my sisters and I talked about what the family was going to do. Traditionally we had Christmas Eve at my sister’s house. We settled on the fact that the easiest thing to do was to still have it there. This way Gina didn’t have to do anything to get ready for it and in her mind, it would be keeping with the normal course of things.
We never really did anything on Christmas Eve morning, so until about noon it was pretty much like any other day. When the time came to get the girls ready, I watched Gina do it. Part of me watched through the eyes of the somber husband, but part of me was taking mental notes. I was kind of making a mental checklist of what this process required. Dresses and tights and shoes and hair pins and…the whole thing started to really scare the hell out of me. For a very brief moment I entertained the thought of asking if I could help, but my better judgment took over and I didn’t. I would cross that bridge when I came to it.
We went to my sisters around 3pm but Gina was feeling absolutely horrible. All the same, we loaded the girls and our normal bag load of gifts into the car and away we went. The ride over was pretty normal but once we arrived, a strange feeling set in. It wasn’t so much as strange as it was awkward because everyone was trying TOO hard to make it normal. There was no direct conversation about Gina. There was the occasional ‘…how are you feeling?’ but that was it. Instead we just tried to keep it normal and for me on Christmas Eve, that meant a few drinks. Our family is a drinking family and that was a welcome excuse for me. I didn’t get crazy because I was going to be driving home but it sure did feel good to take the edge off a bit. I was a little worried about how the gifts were going to go, but that went fine. It was nice to have all these kids in the room to focus on. You could tell Gina felt that way too.
Dinner was probably the most awkward time of the evening. When we said Grace, there was no mention of her or her illness, but you could cut the tension in the room with a knife. It was almost as if everyone was waiting to see if my brother-in-law was going to work something in. He didn’t, and everyone seemed simultaneously uneasy and relieved that they didn’t have to acknowledge it either. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to make Gina any more uncomfortable than she already was. As it was, she was very self-conscious about her appearance. Bringing it up would be like shining a spotlight on her. But sitting next to her already felt strange, like I was sitting next to a ghost. It sounds horrible and it sickens me to say that, but it’s true.
When it came time for us to leave at the end of the evening, it wasn’t a big deal. We always spent Christmas Day together at my mom’s so it wasn’t like this was the time for any sort of tearful goodbye. After all, we would all be together again in less that twenty-four hours. When we got home, I did more than I ever have. Normally when we would get home from my sisters I would fall right into bed, but this year I did more work than ever on that infamous Santa night. I helped the girls put Santa’s milk & cookies out, put them to bed, came back downstairs and got the gifts out of hiding to put underneath the tree. At one point when I was trying to make them look pretty like magazine pictures I had seen over the years, I stood up and realized this was something I wished I had done all those years with Gina.
All the while, Gina was resting in bed because she was both in pain and worn out. Her body was so run down that a normal night of visiting was equal to running a marathon for her. We had wrapped the presents in the weeks leading up to Christmas. The last gift I put under the tree was the one that I had for Gina. It stopped me for a moment, but I put it under the tree and then went right up to bed. As I turned off the lights and went down the hallway, I found myself in a strange state of excitement. Shockingly, I was genuinely excited about waking up with Gina for Christmas Day. I wasn’t dreading it, I wasn’t focused on it being our last Christmas, none of that. I was excited to give her the gift.
As I had mentioned, my buddy had put together the video montage for me. When I picked it up from him it was only about a week before Christmas. Naturally I saw it when I picked it up, but that was the only time. He and I watched it in his conference room at his work. It was about twenty minutes long and at the end of it, we were both crying our eyes out. I can’t even imagine what people must have thought when they saw the two of us go into the conference room for what they could only think was a normal business meeting, only to see us emerge half an hour later as though we had a cry fest with each other. But it was perfect. I couldn’t have dreamt up a better gift.
When Christmas morning finally came, it felt very normal at first. The girls woke us up around 7am and were jumping up and down, all excited about Santa. I was my usual groggy self as I made some coffee, and the girls ran off to wake up Jackson. It was strangely normal and joyous. I remember noticing that for the first time in a long time, there was no “death aura” hanging over the house.
As we tore into the gifts, the kids went first. I really enjoyed watching them but I was watching Gina too. You could see a little sadness and despair in her eyes. After the kids opened all their gifts and I did mine, Gina was the final one. We had wrapped the video in a big box. So there was this huge box in front of her and you could feel the anticipation building. The kids were all giggly and I was nervous as hell. My heart was racing a mile a minute. When she finally opened the box the look on her face was priceless. It was utter and total surprise.
The TV was in the family room, so we all climbed onto the huge pit couch and gathered around Gina. I put the video in and came back and sat next to her as it started. If ever there was a picture to see, it was that one. Everyone was together on the couch all in our jammies as one big family.
It started with our wedding day and went on through our life together. Vacations, the kids’ birthdays, first bike rides, parties…all the things that as parents you videotape through the years. Everyone was welling up as the years rolled by on the screen. They were all watching the video but I was watching Gina and the kids. I could tell by her face that she was truly touched by it and I can’t tell you how happy that made me feel. It was the greatest gift we could have given her. I felt so in love with her in that moment and that’s a feeling that I cling to even today.
The last part of the video was Christmas from the year before and I had that part set over the Louis Armstrong song “What A Wonderful World.” The last image showed Gina giving Jackson his lettermen’s jacket and hugging him. Everyone was sniffling throughout but when that scene came on, we all surrendered to a bawling hysteria.
She reached over and hugged and kissed me in a way that she hadn’t done in a long time. It was a true love embrace and to this day, I can still feel it on my fingertips.
I hadn’t intended on creating that moment, but it turned out to be the catalyst that our family really needed. It broke a lot of the tension and silence over what was going on. Everyone had been holding in so much emotion and that video was the wrecking ball that knocked the walls down. In a sense it kind of brought her back from being a living ghost to being Gina and Mom again.
That went on for about half an hour and then the kids brought us back to the moment. They tend to collect themselves much quicker than adults, which again was a blessing. We moved back to normal Christmas morning with me putting together toys, and them playing with their new presents on the floor. But that moment, that magical hour, really lifted Gina throughout the day. I imagine it very easily could have gone the other way and regressed into a death march, but it didn’t. You could see it in her eyes; she felt loved.
At that point, it was only 9am and it was already a great day.