I WISH I COULD TELL you the details of what happened right thereafter, but I can’t. I honestly can’t remember what was going on around me. One distinct memory I do have though is telling Jackie what happened. It happened so fast and without fanfare that without any buildup, we didn’t think to go wake her. Then as it happened we all got swept up in the moment and nobody went to get her.
When I did go get Jackie, she was furious. My mom had woken her up in the waiting room and while she didn’t tell her what happened, she could tell her mom had died by everyone crying. I know you might be thinking that I robbed her of her mother’s last moments and you may be right. But part of me was glad she was sleeping because I didn’t want that to be her most pressing memory of her mother. Seeing her walk down that hallway though, my already broken heart shattered into a million more pieces. I scooped her up and gave her a huge hug and a kiss. I told her that Mommy died but it was okay because now she was heaven and in peace. She wasn’t hurting anymore.
As you would think, she immediately started crying, but what kind of caught me by surprise was the anger that flew so quickly. She was mad right away that nobody woke her up. I have to be honest, I don’t know what the right call was to make. Would I do it differently if I had the chance? I don’t know. I really don’t.
I’ll say this, I thank God I had the support around me that I did that night. To have my mother and sisters right there with me was a Godsend, not only to help me but also to help take care of the kids. For that brief moment in time, I wasn’t the sure-footed, brick-spined father. I had been reduced to a sobbing heap.
My best friend Mark had called Jackson almost immediately after Gina passed and told him what happened, then he took off for the house to go get him. He didn’t want him driving in that condition and I love him for thinking straight when I clearly wasn’t.
Everyone had left the room. As I stood out in the hallway with Jackie, I considered taking her in but then thought it would be better if waited for Jackson and we went in all together. So Jackie and I just held each other and told each other that we loved each other. My heart was breaking in so many ways both as a husband as well as a father. After a little bit, I took her back to the waiting room to sit with my Mom, and I walked back to the room. Once I got there though, I didn’t know what to do. I stood in the room; I went out of the room. I was a man with no country. I felt scared and awkward going up to Gina right then. Just an hour before I was sitting in there holding her hand, but then sitting there felt taboo, so I just looked at her from the doorway. She looked so peaceful, finally, but to be honest, she looked like she was just still sleeping.
Once Jackson got there, we all hugged and walked in together. Here we are, I thought. This was how it was now. We had finally started what we knew was barreling down on us. I didn’t keep Jackie in there long. I’m not sure why but at that moment my protective nature kicked into high gear and I didn’t think it was right for her to just sit in there crying over her dead mother for a long time. I gathered her and Jackson up to walk them out, but Jackson wanted to hang back for a minute. I understood. After all, this was his mother and he was much older than Jackie. He understood this on a whole different level. So I patted him on the shoulder and Jackie and I left the room, giving him the chance to do his thing. When he was done he came to the waiting room and sat with Jackie so that I could go in alone.
This time I felt comfortable walking up and sitting with her. As I sat down, that familiar thought went running through my mind that this would be the last time I was with her. This was the first time I had seen someone just after they passed so she didn’t have that look people normally do when you see them at a wake or a funeral. Even still, I just started pouring out. I kissed her and talked to her as if she could hear me. I told her how scared I was to be on my own and how much I was going to miss her. For the first time, I told her a lot of the things I wish I had said when we were still at home and she could hear me. I think back to that a lot now and it still eats away at me. It kills me that I didn’t push forward on the preparations and I didn’t tell her these kinds of things when I knew she could hear me and appreciate them.
Walking out of the room I felt the finality of it more than ever. It was almost a dreamlike feeling, like you finally know where you are going to be. As I headed towards the waiting room, it was as if my emotions had run out and now my brain was moving on to the next thing. I was already thinking about tomorrow and what to do for funeral plans.
As I got to the doorway of the waiting room, I saw the kids there with my Mom and sister. Everyone was still there and I can’t tell you what a comforting sight that was. They all waited for me. But standing in that doorway, it hit me. I didn’t know what to do next. Nobody from the hospital had come to the room and explained anything to me. Was I supposed to wait for them to come take her? Was I supposed to just leave? Where did I find out any information on what to do next?
Not long after, a hospital rep came up to me, offered her condolences, and asked me out into the hall. There she explained that I would need to wait just a bit longer for them to enter some of Gina’s details into the medical certificate of death. They also needed some information from me like which funeral home we had decided on, since the funeral home would be contacted to pick her up. Thankfully, my mom and I had discussed this the night before. She actually brought it up to me that I would need to make some decisions but she would be happy to take the lead on making any arrangements as I tended to Gina while she was still here. It was in this conversation that we settled on a funeral home close to the house.
After I filled the hospital in on everything they needed, we were free to go. So there we were, less than an hour after Gina had passed, walking out of the hospital. Thankfully we didn’t have to pass her room again to get to the elevator and that was just fine with me. I held Jackie close to me as we walked, and as I looked in at other people’s rooms, it was as if each one was its own separate movie. I was oblivious to it before, being so engulfed in my own drama, but now I felt this irresistible urge to look in each room as I slowly walked by. It was odd but everything felt so distant. Like I was walking but I couldn’t feel my feet hit the ground. To be completely honest, I could barely tell that I was moving.