AT THE TIME, I felt like introducing Denise to the kids was the best option for me, and when I brought it up with her she was as excited about it as I was. In retrospect, I can see that was me not just thinking of myself but wanting to return to normality so badly that I ran for it too fast. I couldn’t differentiate between being excited about Denise because of the woman she was and filling the void that Gina’s death had created. I didn’t think about it at the time. Like a surfer, I just got up on that wave and rode it. But now that it’s all behind me, I realize that I was jumping the gun way too fast. Denise had been divorced for ten years so she was ready for something, but I wasn’t and Lord knows the girls weren’t.
None of that stopped my dumb ass; I did it anyways. I was encouraged into my decision in part because the girls were so inquisitive in an excited way at dinner. I knew public opinion wouldn’t respond favorably, but I didn’t care.
I set it up for a Friday night in October. I figured we would all hang out at the house, order pizza, and keep it casual. When I brought it up to the girls, they literally squealed with excitement. Denise drove herself and when she rang the doorbell, the girls shrieked. I looked at them and I could tell I had two different shrieks on my hands. Amber was excited and giddy but Jackie was nervous. I can’t remember who opened the door, but I was in the foyer when Denise walked in. My head was burning hot and my chest was pounding with nerves. I wasn’t nervous about Denise, I was nervous about the girls. This was a big moment. My attention was focused squarely on the girls as she walked in and they seemed pretty okay.
I met her with an awkward half-hug. I hadn’t even thought about what to do at this point until the moment was there, and I felt very aware of those beady little eyes on us. We all walked into the living room and Denise had a seat. I went into the kitchen and Amber came up to me and whispered “she’s pretty.” Again, looking back I think Amber was looking for that same return to normality that I was. Her comments and reactions seemed to make me more and more comfortable with the decision. Denise was scared that even though the girls liked the idea of meeting her, they would snap into some sort of rejection and guilt once she entered their house. Luckily that wasn’t the case.
I ordered the pizzas and made it a joking process to keep it fun. Friday nights were always game nights in the house, so we kept that going. Denise had daughters (they were eighteen, fourteen, and eleven at the time) so she knew how to interact with the girls. She hit it off with Amber right away, but I kept my attention focused on Jackie. She’s always been a deeper kind of person, even back then. I knew that she would ‘play nice’ but I was going to need to bridge the gap between her and Denise.
Denise stayed until about 11pm or so. All in all, the night was a success in the sense that everyone had a good time. Actually, it went a lot better than I thought it would. Nobody got a new mommy or anything, but it was a light-hearted evening and it was nice to hear laughter in the house on game night again. It made me feel good to be upfront with the girls too.
Later when I was in bed is when it started to bother me. Even though everyone had fun and it seemed like a win, doubts started creeping into my head and the tug of war was on. Did I do the right thing or should I have listened to the people that told me that it was okay to keep certain things from them, like the fact that I was dating? I always lived with the mantra that if it’s okay with me, it’s okay to see. Maybe I should have held off on telling them. I surely should have held off on them meeting her, but I just wanted a normal life again so damn badly.