ONCE WE BREACHED THE first meeting, Denise and I began to hang out quite a bit at the house. The girls still liked her and the more she came over the more their trepidations seemed to subside. One night she was over and the kids were in bed for the night. We started in the living room like normal, watching TV and playing around with each other. Nothing crazy, just some kissing and petting, but while we were in the midst of it thoughts were racing through my head. I wasn’t worried that the girls would see us, but I was thinking more and more about sleeping with her.
It was a wrestling match in my mind for all things mental and physical in this relationship. It felt right, but it looked wrong. Not just in my eyes but I’m sure to everyone around me. I felt guilty too; guilty that I liked Denise so much and guilty that I wanted her so bad. What did that say about my love for Gina? Did that mean I didn’t love her? What if the tables were turned? How would I feel about her acting the way I was? I know I would want her to move on. Maybe that’s because standing inside of that kind of situation, I have a better understanding of it than most people do.
Another thing that made me feel guilty as hell was my thoughts of Gina. There were a lot of times when Denise and I would be getting semi-physical and Gina would jump into my head. Then I would start comparing, having visions, and pretending even. Crazy right? Luckily the comparing and pretending didn’t happen too much. They were built so differently that even when my mind did go there, it couldn’t stay for long. Denise had thinner lips, they had different body structures; they smelled different, etc. They were two totally different women.
It quickly became apparent that this was going to be the night. Once we passed that inexplicable moment where we both knew it was happening, my mind started to race. Where? We couldn’t do it here on the couch and I didn’t feel comfortable taking her to the bedroom. Not only were the girls up there but that was still my bedroom with Gina. I wouldn’t feel comfortable up there. I decided to take her to the basement. Don’t worry, I wasn’t some high school kid sneaking down to Dad’s workshop for some nookie. The basement was finished and comfortable. And it was the one part of the house that didn’t scream Gina.
I sold her on it because the girls were asleep upstairs and I didn’t want them to wake up to this. It was true, but that’s where I stopped with my explanation of locations. No need to bring Gina into the moment anymore than she already was. We giggled like kids as we went down the stairs. As we fell into the couch my mind began racing again. I was excited as hell but nervousness ran a close second and guilt wasn’t far behind. Was I going to be able to perform? Could I please another woman at this point? I hadn’t been with anyone other than Gina in decades!
It was everything I could do to push all of those thoughts and anxieties aside. That makes it sound like a chore, but at some point, once you decide to clear the gate a man’s normal instinct takes over. The act itself was okay. I found myself initially going where I always went with Gina back when we were good, but Denise let me know in her own ways that she liked different things. She cued; I adjusted.
I think one of the reasons it felt okay in my head to take this step was because I was in a relationship. It wasn’t a fly by night sort of thing or a one-night stand with some floozy I picked up in a bar. We were a couple and that helped put my mind at ease. I will say, Gina did cross my mind at one point, but not in the way you might expect. In all the times I had played this out in my mind, I was worried that I would look down and ‘see’ Gina’s face. Or I would close my eyes and ‘feel’ Gina’s body. That wasn’t the case, but she did pop into my mind when I realized I was just in the moment and not worrying about causing her pain or worrying about her self-awareness. I was just enjoying myself and not worrying about building her self-esteem at the same time. If anything, Denise might have been worrying about mine.
Once we were finished, we lied there and cuddled. I was still very comfortable with my decision and very much at ease with Denise. She continued rubbing my arms and my chest and while that might seem pretty normal, it had been an unbelievably long time since I had something like that. Even when Gina and I were intimate, between the cancer and us just being married for so many years, we tended to just lie on our own. No touching. No cuddling. No romance after. Laying here with Denise I felt a real connection that I hadn’t felt in many, many years, and it wasn’t just sex.
Admittedly, I did feel a tinge of guilt. I pushed it out of my mind by reminding myself that she’s not just gone, she’s really gone. I wasn’t cheating on my wife nor was I moving on from a divorce. She was dead. Gone. What entered my mind after the cheating guilt left was the slight feeling that as happy and relaxed as I was, maybe this was too fast. It was, but I longed for everything that was laying there with me. Companionship. Partnership. Love…or what I perceived as love.
She didn’t spend the night and after she left, I don’t remember looking for any sort of forgiveness. I didn’t regret the decision that I made. It was what I wanted and what I needed. Not to mention after one year of celibacy, I had a serious afterglow effect working for me too. That was the only time I watched her drive away after sex though. For a variety of reasons, after that first time we started going to her place whenever we were planning an intimate evening. I’d like to say it was because I was concerned with the girls catching us, and that is true, but the reality is that I didn’t like being in the ghost of Gina. To me, it was still her house. She still hung over it all, and I didn’t like having to push her out of my mind. It was easier to relax and just be me in a completely different environment. Besides, we weren’t teenagers anymore. We needed a bed and there was no way I was going to be able to do that in what I still thought of as our bedroom.
I know this is going to contradict everything I just said but bear in mind that was what I was thinking at the time. If I were to talk about it now, with a few years of looking back and working through my feelings, I feel like I should have waited longer. Not necessarily the sex, but I probably should have just found someone to have sex with because once you go there with a woman that you’re dating, you’re attached. That seemed to attach us faster than I wanted to. After that night, she was over almost every day. It was almost as if us having sex gave her the key to my life. I should have slowed it down but with the holidays coming up, I knew that not only was I not going to want to be alone, I was going to need her help. That’s not why I slept with her, but it is why I didn’t slow things down after.
Yes, you’re right. I’m a selfish ass.