AS MUCH AS I thought I had a grip, I found out quickly any grip I had was because I had help holding on. As Halloween passed and we started to float towards the holidays, I found out that Nona’s plans had changed and she wouldn’t be back until after New Years. Even in my proudest moment of thinking I had a handle on things, I was well aware of how much I depended on Nona.
The eighteen-year-old girl I had in her spot wasn’t great, but by this point she was already in place, everyone was comfortable (even though her dinners and laundry still sucked), so we just rode her wave until Nona got back.
Outside of the girls, I was petrified of the holidays. Thanksgiving wasn’t going to be a big deal. That’s kind of a non-holiday anyhow, and my mom takes care of that. Christmas however is a different story entirely. Gina always blew it out and it was a huge deal in our home. Every year it took her about a week to fully decorate the house. Now that it was on me, I felt a tremendous amount of pressure to hold this up for the girls. I knew I didn’t have that kind of time, but I still wanted the house to explode with Christmas for them. Plus I was going to have to shop, cook, and organize the day, on top of tending to the decorations. It was early November and I was already freaking out about the holidays.
Speaking of my mom, we were talking a lot at that point. As proud and independent as I am, there’s something very soothing about being able to open up to my mom. She gave me a lot of pointers, not just about my emotions and my thoughts, but about getting through the holidays and what to do. I actually created a mantra for myself that year. “Get on Christmas before it gets on you.” Not exactly the ho-hoho theme most people operate behind, but my anxiety was getting the best of me. I asked the girls for their Christmas lists right after Halloween and once I got them, boom, I was out shopping for gifts that first weekend.
I didn’t pay attention to it at the time in part because I was so self absorbed and in part because I was trying so hard to make sure all my tasks got checked off my list, but I found it a little odd that the girls weren’t really talking to me much about Gina. They talked to Nona about her here and there, but with her having been out of town for some time and in the midst of one of the most emotional times of the year, they were oddly silent. I should have been worried that the girls were dealing too well with all of it, much better than any kids should have been, but I was too busy managing the house and pleasing my own selfish desires.
I wish I would’ve asked my mom or my sister for help here. I didn’t have the sensitivity and softness they did, and I sure as hell wasn’t intuitive enough. I did well with their schedules and my routine caretaking responsibilities, but I was horrible at digging into their brains. It probably didn’t help that my mom and sisters ‘Monday Morning Quarterbacked’ me a lot. They would criticize a lot of my actions or decisions, which caused me to distance myself a bit. Who wants to stand next to a critic? I should have, but my ego often got bruised and my anger tended to flare up. So I declined to ask for help, time marched on, and as a result, the girls suffered.
As Thanksgiving approached, I gave more and more thought about how to handle it. Remember, I was still dating Denise and while we were going to my mom’s house like we always do, I didn’t know if it was a good idea to bring her into that world yet. I did, however, want her to meet my mom, so we met for lunch at a local restaurant just before the holiday. It was awkward at first, kind of like being a teenager bringing a girl home to meet your folks. Denise had pretty good people skills (usually) and between her and my mom, everyone was at ease pretty quickly.
Denise was fine keeping our Thanksgivings separate. She had her own world as well with her kids and family anyhow.
Leading up to Thanksgiving, things were pretty normal, but once the day arrived, I could feel Gina hanging in the air again. It wasn’t caused by anything in particular; it was just one of those things where sadness kind of creeps in and sits in the air. Not for the girls, they seemed fine, but for me. I tried to dress the girls up as pretty as their mom would have and I had apparently done an okay job because nobody made any snide remarks. Even though it was just my family, we did receive a solemn reaction upon our entrance. I think because it was the first major holiday that we had all come together for since Gina died.
That said, by this point it’s something I’ve become fairly accustomed to; I was used to the girls and me walking into the room and everyone giving us puppy dog eyes of hurt, as if we were incomplete. It used to bother the hell out of me but as time went by, I grew to realize there was nothing we could do about it and at the very least, it meant that they cared.
The rest of the day was great. The meal was normal and there was plenty of football on television, the way most other families celebrate Thanksgiving in America. There was no mention of Gina in conversation or in the saying of Grace, so even dinner felt normal. It probably helped that we weren’t the kind of family that always sat in the same seats or anything, so there was no real ‘hole’ next to me at the table.
We also used that day to celebrate Jackie’s birthday, since she was born in December a week before Christmas. This way not only did she not get gypped; we could spend it with the whole family. While we all missed Gina, it was definitely a much more celebratory mood than if we would have tried to do something in the Christmas holiday, when I was already scared I would be feeling the pangs of her absence.
When we got home, I went right into normal executive mode. I got the girls ready and in bed and started making lists. In addition to Christmas coming, I had booked a Disney Cruise for us and we were leaving a week after. It was only going to be me and the girls, along with our neighbors Jane and Fred. I opted to leave Denise out of this too because the trip was for me and the girls. I did, however, lean on her pretty heavily to help us get everything ready. It was probably wrong but again, hindsight is 20/20.
As it turned out, Disney cancelled our cruise due to an outbreak of the Norwalk virus. They were going to have to dock the ship for a few weeks to clean and sanitize it. When Jane (who is both our neighbor and travel agent) told me the news I was crushed. I knew how much the girls were looking forward to it. I felt absolutely horrible breaking the news to the girls. The disappointment in their eyes as I told them the news was enough to melt my heart. These kids just could not catch a break. What a damn year for them! I didn’t leave them empty handed though; I had made arrangements for us to go to my folks’ house in Florida. So when I told the girls, I at least had a replacement vacation for them.
As it turned out, they were happy and it actually ended up better than a cruise. We did some beaches, theme parks, etc. We were able to shake it up and do a lot of things whereas on the cruise, we would have been relegated to the ship. It was a nice week away. More than just a week out of the cold Chicago weather and into the sun, but with no Denise it really seemed to bring the girls and me together.
It was nice and I absolutely recommend it to anyone in my situation who can swing it. It doesn’t have to be Florida and it doesn’t have to be expensive. You’d be surprised at how much kids like just getting away so even if you can just swing a hotel night or two with a pool, you’d be surprised at what a wonderful thing that is not just for the kids but for your family.