I KNOW THIS SOUNDS selfish as hell, but this was one time when I thanked God that I still had Denise around because she helped me tremendously. Even with things going well with Denise and the closeness I felt with her, I still missed Gina tremendously around this time and Denise and I talked about her a lot. She was really good about that. She was very good about respecting Gina’s place and presence in the house. I couldn’t understand but always appreciated how she never resented talking about Gina. Maybe it was because she knew even though we were talking about another woman I loved, she was dead and therefore no threat to her. She really did play the role of therapist as well as girlfriend. Now with Christmas coming, she played the role of my right arm as well.
Here’s another glaring mistake I made. I was scared that the house would be stark because I knew I couldn’t decorate it the way Gina did, so Denise asked if she could decorate the house while we were gone on vacation. I felt a little awkward letting her do that as it such a signature Gina task. She did a great job and while I knew it wouldn’t be anywhere near the degree or style that Gina did it, I was happy that the house would look pretty and festive when we got back.
I was really appreciative of her efforts, not just in doing it, but knowing that she was filling the void (and task) of a ghost. But the second we walked in the door, Amber had a problem with it. In my eyes, with Gina gone it wasn’t something that was necessarily my job; it was more like a task that had to get done. Lord knows I would have been horrible at it anyhow. In Amber’s eyes though, Denise had just crept in on her mother’s territory again. I can see that now, but I was pretty oblivious to that back then. I talked Amber off the ledge and explained to her that Denise was just helping us out, so the house would look nice while we were able to take a vacation. That seemed to do the trick and smooth things over pretty well. It probably helped that the house looked the same on the outside, as I hired the same guy to hang the outdoor lights, so there was some consistency they could lean on.
I righted the ship the next year, and from that point on decorating the house became something I did with the girls. It’s turned into a tradition and something we all really look forward to now. Let me tell you, it’s much better to do that as a family and enjoy the holiday spirit with laughter and love than to get through it as if it were a task.
All the decorations looked great, but they gave the house a little bit of a broken feel to me. I’m sure it’s because I was so accustomed to all those years of Gina’s work, but still, every so often I would look around and it would prick me in the heart. One night I was sitting by myself on the couch in the living room, just looking at all of the decorations after the girls had gone to bed, and I realized that there was no way I could wake up there on Christmas morning. Amber had gotten to me about letting Denise put up the decorations and while I didn’t see it the same way, I completely understood where she was coming from. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that there was no way I wanted to screw up Christmas morning. It was going to be a very emotional and different Christmas morning than any of us had ever had before, and I was terrified of making it any worse.
In a moment of weakness, but also one of complete correctness, I called my mom and told her that I just couldn’t handle Christmas Eve at the house this year and asked if it was okay for the girls and me to stay at her place that night. I’m proud of the fact that I was able to recognize that this situation was bigger than pride, and there was no way I could tackle it alone. Lord knows the girls didn’t need to have a dead mother and a weeping father ruining their Christmas morning. Thankfully, my mother understood.
Not only did Denise help with the house, she helped me with the madness that is Christmas toy shopping. Other than last year when we did all of the shopping together, most of the time Gina took care of this on her own. If I was there, I was more of a robot along for the ride, soldiering through it. It sounds nice to any guy not having to go out in that craziness, but you find out later that you missed out. Not only would it have helped me know what to do now, it’s actually nice and fun if you’re doing it with someone you love and for kids you love. There were a lot of good memories that my selfish ass never took the time to make.
As we walked through the parent-crazed aisles, I watched the married couples and wished I would have made more of an effort to be a part of the experience with Gina.
I spent most of December in a funk feeling sorry for myself, and thank God Denise was there to make sure I didn’t let myself sink ass deep in it. She let me bob up and down in the pity waters, but she never let me really go under. Not to mention that on top of Christmas, Jackie’s birthday was coming up. We had already celebrated it with the family so we had a little cake at the house just for us. That was nice. We all missed her, but it went over better than I had expected. That Thanksgiving celebration really helped.
As Christmas Eve approached, I started to have second thoughts about staying at my mom’s. I was embarrassed to be waving the white flag, but every time I started to feel the pangs of embarrassment, I knew deep down it was the right thing to do. Emotionally for me and for the girls, there was no way I could swing waking up Christmas morning in our house. Not after everything we had gone through and surely not after the Christmas we had last year when we gave Gina that video.
When I told the girls about my plan, they were reluctant at first. They wanted to be home and I can understand that. It took a bit of a sell job but in the end, they agreed, and if they weren’t happy about it, then they did a good sell job on me too.