INITIALLY I TOYED WITH the idea of having Denise over to my folks for Christmas, but I quickly dismissed it. I’m sure it would have gone over like a lead balloon if I would have uttered it out loud, but more importantly, I knew it was too soon for something like that. I learned my lesson with the decorations. Dating was one thing, but this holiday was for the girls and me.
It played out perfectly too. Well, as perfectly as that kind of situation can allow I guess. Up until today, Christmas morning was pretty much picture perfect. Gina and I would wake up with the kids, she would make coffee, and we would sit there in our pajamas with our Santa mugs as the kids tore into their gifts. One thing about that was their gifts weren’t just a surprise to them but to me as well, since Gina did the shopping and wrapping. It was almost like watching a live TV show or something for me. This year however, surprise was replaced with anxiety as I sweated my ‘santa purchases.’
I did it right. I woke up with the girls and we all went down to the living room for presents. I always loved that part, when they first lay eyes on the tree and it’s just bursting with presents. They bolted to the tree and almost did a baseball slide into position to start sorting everything into separate piles. My folks were already in their chairs. I hadn’t even considered the fact that this was a real treat for my parents. It had been many years since they got to experience the magic of Christmas morning with little ones tearing into gifts. A smile took over my face when I realized how I had become like my folks. Looking at them, I laughed to myself, thinking that was exactly how Gina and I used to sit on Christmas morning. Actually, it was how I sat in my chair while Gina chased after them with a garbage bag, picking up the wrapping paper. I sat down on the couch and while I was watching their Christmas morning chaos, my mind was focused on Gina. It wasn’t overwhelming to the point that it ruined it for me, but it was very obvious. I knew my parents sensed my feelings, but they didn’t acknowledge them, as if they were scared to tap the barrel. I don’t know if it showed or not but I got teary at a couple of moments.
That’s one thing that kind of shook me as well. After the excitement simmered down, I realized that it was Gina running through my head, not Denise. Honestly, I don’t think I ever gave Denise a second thought, until much later in the morning.
Mom and Dad made a nice breakfast that we all ate together after the gifts. That was a moment I will truly always cherish. The kids flew through their food because they wanted to get back to their toys, but we all laughed and smiled throughout the whole thing.
I didn’t bring Gina up and oddly, neither did the girls. They were so focused on their presents they didn’t give anything a second thought. She would come up though later in the day when we were all at my sister’s house. That’s where the pity for Tommy came back around. Everyone was asking me how the girls and I were doing and my brother-in-law acknowledged her when he said Grace. I know they were all just trying to help and show their concern, but in reality they were stirring the hurt.
If I could offer any advice in this situation it would be this – throw it out there. Either do it yourself or let someone else be the messenger, but let it be known that you don’t want to talk about her. I wish I would’ve had my mom say to everyone, privately or individually, to not bring up Gina so we could all just have a nice day. They didn’t need to shy away from it if the kids brought it up or something, but they also didn’t need to initiate it.
In between my folk’s house and my sister’s, I took the girls to Christmas service, and that was where I most felt her absence. And holy hell (pardon the pun), did I feel guilty about not taking the girls to church more often. My sister Robyn had been nudging me to take them and Denise had mentioned it more than once as well. To be honest, I don’t know why I didn’t. I imagine that along with a lot of the bad decisions I made then, I was also selfish with my time. For whatever reason, that Christmas service kicked it off for me and I’m proud to say I kept them going until this day.
Denise was going to come by my sister’s later in the afternoon, long after the spirit of Christmas morning had worn off. My family was oddly cool with it and treated her very kindly. It felt strange having her there, but at the same time it was comforting. I’m sure the smitten nature of the holiday made it easier for me, and like I’ve said before, I don’t like being alone. As for everyone else, they embraced her in everything. If anyone felt awkward they didn’t show it, and they certainly didn’t make her feel that way.
That was the great thing about Denise. Looking back I think she really was kind of an angel sent down for me at that time. She gave me something to look forward to and something to work for. I don’t know that I actually ever loved her, even though my desperation for romance and companionship mistook it as so. It was almost more of a “friends with benefits” kind of thing. That’s not to say she wasn’t truly in love with me, because she very much was. She always put us and our house before her own home and even her own kids. But she had been through her ‘process’ of getting over someone so she was ready and open for something real. I, on the other hand, was as fragile and messed up as you could be.
One thing I didn’t think about regarding Christmas was how many presents the girls received. I took things over to my folks in waves, so I didn’t have any real idea of how much stuff they got, not just from me, but also from everyone. Let’s just say hauling home the load was a bitch! But with all of us working together, we got it all back to the house and through the door. I got the girls ready for bed and tucked them in and that’s when the bomb dropped. Jackie wanted to talk about Gina. “Daddy, do you think Mommy had a good Christmas?” she asked me.
Those words tore me apart. I sat down on her bed and we talked about it. It was not long, maybe ten minutes or so, but it really helped us both. It hurt to talk about her and it was hard to be the strong dad without breaking down, but we talked it through without any tears. There was a real longing in the air though. I could see she really missed her mommy. I played with her hair as we talked and that was another one of those moments I’ll never forget. After she was talked out and started to drift off to sleep, I slipped out and fell into my own bed, exhausted and relieved. Normally on Christmas night I would lay down, replaying the day’s events in my head or talking with Gina, laughing at whatever silly moment played itself out during the day. Tonight the only thought that went through my head was “I got through the first one.”
That was a thought I would have quite a few times on almost every other first. The first New Year’s. Our first anniversary. Her first birthday. It was always me falling asleep thinking, “I got through the first one…”