7

Communication strategies

Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.

simone weil

The best measure of the health of any relationship is the quality of the communication in it. Every single thing that we can't or won't talk about, openly and without fear or shame, is a crack in the relationship's foundation.

Therefore, strategies for successful communication are some of the most important tools in your relationship toolkit. Polyamory challenges us to communicate to a degree that other relationship models don't. In monogamous couples, for instance, if we're attracted to a third person, we're usually expected to pretend we're not. In poly relationships, communicating what we're feeling, even at the risk of making our partners uncomfortable, is the only way to build multiple sustainable relationships. Polyamory doesn't give us the luxury of avoiding tough, uncomfortable subjects.

A communication toolbox

Before we look at some helpful communication strategies, there's something we have to say: You are, almost certainly, a lousy communicator. How can we say that when we don't know you? Because 99 percent of the population—ourselves included—are lousy communicators. Most of us are exceptionally good at misunderstanding each other, misreading each other's tone and intent, and failing to get our point across. But usually we don't realize it. Usually we think we've communicated just fine, and it's the other person who has a problem. Passive and passive-aggressive communicators tend to believe they are direct communicators. And all of us, being humans, are exceptionally good at storytelling: making up tales to explain things we don't understand without even realizing it.

Learning good communication skills is something we can't possibly cover thoroughly in this book. We'll cover only those communication issues most directly applicable to polyamory. We recommend, though, that you make a commitment to improving your communication skills on an ongoing basis if you're serious about success in polyamorous relationships, long after you finish this book.

Certain communication techniques should be in everyone's toolbox for any relationship. Each of the ones we'll discuss has many books dedicated to it, so we'll just briefly touch on them. You'll find great resources for developing these skills at the end of this book. Three of these essential communication tools are active listening, direct communication and nonviolent communication.

Active listening. When people think about communication, often their focus is on getting across what they want to say. But communication breaks down just as often—if not more often—in the listening as in the speaking. Active listening is a great technique not just for effective communication, but for connecting with your partner: making sure they feel heard. Active listening is often taught in conflict resolution courses and couples counseling.

As tough as it can be to practice, the mechanics of active listening are pretty simple. You listen intently to what the other person is saying, rather than using that time to think about the next thing you want to say. Then you repeat back to the other person what they have just said to you—in your own words, so that they know you understood. Then you trade roles. Because a need to be heard and understood is at the root of many interpersonal conflicts, active listening can go a long way toward defusing intense situations, even when a solution is not yet apparent.

Direct communication. This technique entails two things: being direct in what you say—without subtext, hidden meaning, coded language or tacit expectations—and assuming directness in what you hear, without looking for hidden meaning or buried messages.

Good communication is not a treasure hunt or a game of Where's Waldo's Meaning? Being direct in your speech means saying plainly what you think and asking plainly for what you need. It requires identifying what you want, then clearly and simply asking for it—not dropping hints or talking around the need. You assume that your partner will take your words at face value, without searching for hidden intent. You convey your meaning in the words you use, not in side channels such as posture, tone or body language. And you are willing to speak directly even when it might be uncomfortable.

In the previous chapter's story about passing the sweeper, communication started going wrong because Franklin and Celeste were using words differently, but that wasn't all that happened. When the first layer of communication failed, that created a situation where Celeste made assumptions about Franklin's motivations (that he didn't want to help with the housework). That made her upset, and communication ran further off the rails.

Direct listening starts from the premise that if your partner wants something, she will ask for it. You need to resist the impulse to infer a judgment, desire or need that's not explicitly stated. You assume that if your partner does not bring up an issue, she has no issue, and is not just being polite. Conversely, if she brings up an issue, she's not doing it to be confrontational or impolite, but to discuss it. You do not look for veiled intent, particularly veiled criticism, especially when talking about emotional or contentious matters.

Because direct communication is an indispensable skill in poly relationships, we return to it in more depth later in this chapter.

Nonviolent communication. Often called NVC, nonviolent communication involves separating observation from evaluation and judgment, and separating feelings and needs from strategies and actions. The speaker puts aside her assumptions about another's motivations and examines her own emotional responses. This is demanding cognitive work. It's surprisingly hard to do well, but when done right, it is an incredibly powerful tool for connection and conflict resolution. NVC is taught as a four-step process: observation, feeling, need, request.

The observation must be made without judgment or assumptions, stating only what a camera would capture. For instance, you say, "When I saw you come into the room and sit across from me at the table…," not "When you came into the room, you wouldn't sit next to me…"

The feeling must focus on what you felt, for example, "I felt lonely," or "I felt afraid," not on what you think the other felt or intended, such as "I felt that you were rejecting me."

The need also must focus on you, not the other person. You might say, "I need to feel supported when I'm in a group of people I don't know," not "I need you to sit next to me."

The request is usually a request for communication: "Will you talk to me about how you can help me feel supported when we go to events together?"

Nonviolent communication is, sadly, often abused. It can paradoxically become a weapon if your motivation is to change another person rather than connect with them. If you want to explore nonviolent communication, we strongly recommend that you take the time to learn it well. Start by picking up Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication, and consider enrolling in a workshop (available in many cities).

The world through our own lenses

Communication extends beyond words. Even when everyone agrees on the meanings of words, things can go wrong when we have different conceptual frameworks—different ideas about the way the world works. After all, we see the world through the lens of our own experiences and ideologies. When we communicate, we filter the things another person says through these frameworks. If someone holds what to us seems an alien idea or a worldview we don't understand, or speaks from experiences very different from ours, communication can be lost. This happened to Franklin at a jealousy workshop:

Franklin: Jealousy is an internal emotional state. A person who says "I am jealous" is making a statement about an internal feeling. You can't necessarily draw any conclusions about that person's circumstance just from that statement.

Audience Member: Hogwash! Jealousy is not always caused by internal feelings. A person might feel jealous because of something somebody did. You're just trying to dodge responsibility for your actions, that's all.

Franklin: The idea that jealousy is an internal emotion doesn't say anything about the causes of the jealousy.

Audience Member: Yes, it does! You're just repeating that tired old line that jealousy is all in someone's head and that person needs to just get over it already.

We can't help but see the world through our own lenses, and it's not always obvious where our perceptions of the world diverge from other people's. A big part of being able to communicate with someone who seems to hold a different worldview, or who has different experiences, is to listen and ask clarifying questions. It's tempting to impose our own understanding on other people—"You're just saying jealousy is all in my head!"—and if we don't pay attention, we can end up doing this without even being aware of it. Effective communication succeeds more often when we ask questions than when we tell other people what they're saying (or, God help us, tell them what they're thinking or feeling). In practice: "It sounds to me like you're saying I have to get over jealousy by myself, is that really what you're saying?"

Techniques for direct communication

There's a way through the distortions of our own personal lens: direct communication. This skill does not come naturally to many, but it's one everyone can learn—and one that every polyamorous person must learn if they want to communicate effectively within their romantic networks.

Many excellent resources exist for learning direct communication. Many universities and continuing studies departments offer workshops in direct communication (sometimes called "assertiveness training"). The books by Harriet Lerner listed in the resources section offer good strategies for direct but compassionate communication. We urge you to explore this topic more if it is new to you, but we will touch briefly here on what direct communication is and why it's so important for poly relationships.

The single most effective way to start communicating directly is to use declarative statements rather than leading questions. For example, say "I would like to go out tonight" rather than "Would you like to go out tonight?" Statements that begin with "I want," "I feel" and "I need" are all markers of direct communication. They do not require a decoder ring to interpret correctly.

Plain language is another hallmark of direct communication. Make statements in active rather than passive voice ("I broke the vase," rather than "The vase got broken by my broom handle"). Use simple declarations rather than complex sentences ("I need you to take out the garbage," rather than "Taking care of this problem with the garbage was supposed to be your responsibility").

Use specific, concrete examples to illustrate what you're saying. Instead of saying, "You don't pay attention to my needs," list examples of times when you feel your needs weren't met. Take responsibility for your desires, thoughts and feelings. If you're asked to do something you'd rather not do, don't make excuses for not doing it. Rather, take ownership of it: "I don't want to do that." Try not to place responsibility for your feelings on your partner. Instead of saying, "You make me so angry," say "I feel angry." Give your partner the space to talk about her feelings as well.

Avoid hyperbole ("You always leave your socks on the coffee table," "You never close the garage door") and inferences of motivation ("You're only doing that because you want to get rid of me," "You clearly don't respect me").

Direct communication and active listening are complementary. Active listening means paying attention to what your partner is saying, rather than thinking of ways to refute what they're saying or interrupting. Direct communication is saying clearly what you want attention paid to.

There is one other element of direct communication: the ability to say yes and especially no without reservation. We've mentioned this before, but it's worth repeating: The ability to say no is vital to consent. Without the ability to say no, a relationship becomes coercive.

But there is another advantage to being able to say no. When you are accustomed to using passive communication, or unable to set boundaries, or when you feel you don't have the ability to say no to something, then it's very hard for your partners to have confidence in your yes. If you say yes to everything, then your yes might or might not be sincere, and your partner ends up trying to read tea leaves to figure out if you mean it or not. If you don't want to do something, you may become resentful when you do it, even if you said yes to it. Conversely, when you are able to say no and your partner knows it, he knows your yes is genuine.

Ask for what you need

Asking for what we need is hard. And it's hard to learn to make requests in ways that are really requests, rather than demands, and are heard as such. But being able to ask for what you need, and in fact being good at asking, is pretty key to poly relationships—or any relationships.

For one thing, there's the obvious (yet somehow commonly overlooked) fact that if you ask for what you need, you are more likely to get it.

And then there's the fact that people who are getting their needs met will tend to be happier, and thus better (and less needy!) partners. We sometimes think we're being too needy when we ask for things…but when our needs are not being met, they tend to feel bottomless to us, and therefore to the people around us.

The simple act of formulating the request and deciding whom to ask, and how, forces you to get clear on what exactly you need—what's at the bottom of the emotions you're experiencing—and from whom, and why. But perhaps most importantly: Consistently asking for what you need means people can trust you to ask. They don't have to be second-guessing themselves, reading between the lines or worrying about you. They can simply enjoy being with you and discovering you and trust that they will know when you need something, because you will tell them. When you ask for what you need, you give a gift to the people you love.

Few of us are taught how to ask for what we need. Often we're socialized not to ask for things, because we're told that advocating for our needs is selfish. Sometimes we minimize them to conform to what we think is available. If we really want three cookies, we may think, Well, three is a lot, and other people might want cookies too…I better ask for only one. Then when someone else comes along and asks for three, we end up thinking, Wait a minute! How come he's getting so many cookies and I'm not?

Asking for what we need, rather than what we think might be available, is kind to our partners, because it communicates what we want authentically—as long as we are ready to hear a no. Asking for what we want isn't the same thing as "pressuring" someone, as long as the other person can say no and we can accept it. Some techniques that can help in asking for what you need:

If you've been socialized to not ask for your needs to be met, what tools can you use to learn how to ask?

Talk about the reasons

As scary as it can be to advocate for our needs, it can be even scarier to talk about why we want or need the things we want or need. Talking about the reasons leaves us naked; it opens us up to having our reasons, or even our motives, questioned. It also requires that we look inside ourselves and think about why we want what we want.

This can be difficult. "Because I just don't want that" is not good communication. If we ask for something, especially something that places limits on someone else's behavior—and most especially if it affects more people than just you and your partner—we need to talk about the "why" as well as the "what." This more effectively advocates for our needs, and it opens the door for a genuine dialogue in how to have them met.

Sometimes things that trigger us are hidden inside the statement "I just don't want that." For example, some people, usually heterosexual men, approach polyamory with the idea that it's okay if their partners have other female lovers, but feel threatened if their partners have other male lovers. It's certainly easier to say "I just don't want my partner to have sex with another man" than admit to feelings of vulnerability around sex, perhaps because you're afraid that if another man does what you do, you might be replaced. Talking about triggers* is necessary if we are to understand why we feel the way we do, and understanding our feelings is the only way to grow.

The purpose of talking about the things that trigger us is not to make our partners avoid them but to better understand them. When we can make sense of our emotional responses, we can more easily take responsibility for them, rather than making our partners (or, worse yet, our partners' partners) responsible for them. If, for example, you feel threatened by your lover having sex with another man, talking about why, and owning that feeling, can help you become more secure in your relationship. Discussing how you feel gives your partner an opportunity to explain what value she sees in you, and why another man doesn't have to be threatening to you.

"I just don't want that" tends to end rather than continue conversations. We encourage continuing discussion about what you want and, more importantly, why.

* By triggers, we mean specific thoughts, actions, sights or events that set off an emotion that may not actually be related to the current situation, or may be much more powerful than the circumstances would seem to warrant. A trigger is usually tied to an earlier experience and may be connected to a traumatic event.

Cut through the fog

Being polyamorous doesn't confer immunity to negative feelings. Poly folks experience jealousy, insecurity, doubt and the full range of other human emotions. If we waited for immunity to uncomfortable emotions before traveling this road, we'd never budge. What's necessary is simply to understand that we don't have to put our emotions in the driver's seat. We feel what we feel; the secret is to understand that we still have power even in the face of our feelings. We can still choose to act with courage, compassion and grace, even when we're terrified, uncertain and insecure.

This notion that we can control our actions despite our emotions seems radical to many. The first part of making it happen is just realizing it's possible. Once you've turned that corner—and given all the social messages saying we're helpless in the face of our emotions, that's a tough thing to do—the rest is practice.

Some guidelines that help prevent you from turning over the wheel to your emotions:

Be curious

Many conflicts arise because we've made judgments without full knowledge of the thoughts or feelings behind another person's actions. If the two (or more) sides in a conflict work from their own assumptions without checking whether these are true, no one feels understood, all become even more hurt and angry, and the conflict escalates.

Many conflict-resolution professionals stress the value of curiosity, accompanied by active listening. Many conflicts can be avoided or de-escalated if the parties involved are willing to set aside their prejudgments—and the intense feelings connected to them—and ask a question. And then be curious about the actual answer.

Not just any question, though. The question should be genuine and open-ended, a serious request for more information about another person's feelings, intentions or motivations. It should not be a choice between predefined alternatives, or an accusation followed by a demand for a response. It should be, as much as possible, unburdened from what you think will be the answer. That means being curious about what it really is.

Consider the following questions, arising from the same scenario:

"When we went to that dinner party, you didn't sit next to me. Obviously you're ashamed to be seen with me. Why are you even involved with me if you don't want people to know we're together?"

"Could you tell me why you chose that particular seat at the party?"

They both end with a question mark, but they are very different kinds of questions. One is a barely veiled accusation and expression of hurt; the other is a genuine request for information. The answer could turn out to be anything from "I wanted to talk to Bill over there about his project" to "Honestly, I'm worried that if the boss sees me with you, he'll think I'm cheating on my wife." Once the questioner understands where her partner is coming from, she will be able to respond to the situation using accurate information, not just her own stories. And she will stand a better chance of being able to express her own feelings about the situation to her partner without putting words in his mouth or putting him on the defensive, because he will know that she understands where he is coming from.

Moving away from defensiveness, assumptions and judgments and toward curiosity requires us to step outside ourselves. And that involves recognizing that the world may not be exactly as we think it is—we may have been wrong about our assessment of other people. It can be hard to restrain our emotional responses for long enough to express curiosity and try to understand the feelings of the very person we believe is responsible for our pain. But it can defuse a lot of conflicts before they start.

Don't let the dishes get crusty

Good communication is not just reactive, but proactive. That means regular checking in, just to see how things are going: and not just with your partners, but with yourself. Talk about things that bother you while they're still small. Express what you want early and often. Don't sit on things, hoping they'll go away. Don't wait until someone raises a specific problem before talking; develop the habit of letting your partners know where you're at emotionally, on an ongoing basis.

The purpose of checking in is simply to keep the lines of communication open, so problems can be spotted when they're still ripples rather than tsunamis. Noël Lynne Figart, author of the blog The Polyamorous Misanthrope, calls this "not letting the dishes get crusty." When everyone makes it a habit to wash the dishes as they use them rather than letting them pile up, no one has to confront the icky task of washing an entire sink full of crusty, three-day-old dishes.

Healthy self-expression

Talking about our needs and feelings is tougher when we fear that we might come across as controlling: that is, dictating what another person should do. In a desire not to be seen as controlling, we may say nothing at all, which can let problems grow until we feel we have no choice but to blurt controllingly, "I want you to stop what you're doing right now!"

If you're used to passive communication, expressing a feeling can seem the same as being controlling. One of Franklin's partners grew up in a household where every statement of "I feel thus-and-such" contained an implicit "and it's your responsibility to do something about it!" If you don't want to be seen as manipulative and controlling (and you don't, right?), expressing yourself can feel dangerous, because it might be perceived that way.

The difference between expressing and controlling is in your expectations. What do you expect your partner to do? Is your goal to express your feelings or to change your partner's behavior? Just as the difference between asking and demanding lies in whether you can accept a no, the difference between expressing a feeling and being controlling is in whether it's okay for your partner to continue her present course of action. Are you demanding, or are you informing and negotiating?

While it may sound obvious, the simplest way to make your intention clear is to talk about it. You might say, for example, "I'm not telling you not to go on your date this Saturday, but I wanted to let you know I'm feeling some anxiety about it." From there, you can talk about the anxiety, and possibly even suggest ways that your partner can be supportive to you (for example, "I would like to connect with you after you get home," or "I would like to set aside some special time with you on Friday before you go"). Direct communication heads off passive assumptions about passive communication.

If you are negotiating, make that plain too. For example, you might say, "I'm feeling anxious about your date on Saturday. We're taking the dog to the vet that morning, and I might need your help taking care of him Saturday evening. Is it possible for you to reschedule for Friday instead?" Keep in mind, though, that sometimes the answer might be no, and that doesn't necessarily mean your partner doesn't care about you or your feelings. She may have schedule problems of her own.

Making communication safe

There's one more prerequisite for communication to succeed. It has to be safe for another person to communicate with you. We all want our partners to be honest with us. At the same time, nobody likes to hear bad news. From ancient empires to modern boardrooms, bearers of bad tidings have paid the price for delivering messages distasteful to the recipient's ears. Even in ordinary day-to-day conversations, there are all kinds of ways we can make it dangerous for others to say what we don't want to hear.

Adria's Story Adria, a friend of Franklin's, had been dating her boyfriend for two years and wanted to get married. One day, her boyfriend came to her and said he had something to ask her. Adria was elated, because she was sure he was going to propose. She said, "You can ask me anything you want!"

Her heart sank when he didn't propose. Instead, he asked if they could try some new sexual things, like light bondage and spanking. Adria was hurt that he wasn't proposing, and also angry and hurt that he was asking to try these new things. She thought he was dissatisfied with her. She felt like he was saying she was a boring lover, because he couldn't enjoy "regular" sex with her. She yelled at him and told him he was a pervert, and said he was telling her she was bad in bed. He broke up with her shortly after that. pinstripe

Adria's story contains a couple of lessons. The most immediate is that if you tell your partner "It's okay to ask for anything you want," it better be true. If you're not prepared to make it safe for your partner to open up to you, he won't. Because he'll feel he can't.

We don't always yell at people who say something we don't like to hear, but we often forget how many ways we can make it very expensive for people to be honest with us. When we love someone, it's hard even under the best of circumstances to say something that will make them unhappy. It requires a lot of vulnerability and courage to do that. We expose ourselves emotionally, because our partners' feelings affect ours. When that vulnerability is met with defensiveness, annoyance, passive-aggressiveness, silence, anger or resentment, honesty becomes damn near impossible.

If we want our lovers to be honest with us, we have to make it safe for them to be honest. We need to accept what we hear without anger, recriminations or blame, even when we're surprised or we hear something we really don't want to. We must be willing to take a deep breath, switch gears and say, "Thank you for sharing that with me."

Handling mistakes

Things will go wrong. You and your partners will make mistakes. People will get hurt. To paraphrase Voltaire, we are all born of frailty and error. What happens afterward depends on how capable we are to forgive one another for our errors, handle the consequences with grace and dignity, and learn from our mistakes.

Mistakes happen because someone is trying to solve a problem or meet a need. It's easy, in the emotional aftermath, to see the mistake as a consequence of selfishness or some other moral failing. But recovery from a mistake depends on being able to see our partners as human beings doing their best to solve a problem rather than as caricatures or monsters. Compassion, like communication, is one of those things that's most valuable when it's most difficult.

This kind of compassion is also needed when you're the one who makes a mistake. Sometimes it's easier to treat others with gentleness or compassion than it is to do the same for ourselves; we recognize the fallibility of those around us more readily than our own. You will make mistakes. It's the cost of being human. When you do, look to them as opportunities to learn, and remember that compassion begins at home.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Strategies for better communication include, for starters, active listening, direct communication and nonviolent communication. As you practice these skills on a daily basis in your relationships, here are some questions to keep you on track: