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The rest of the world
Our stories may be singular, but our destination is shared.
barack obama
When Franklin first began to live non-monogamously, there was no such thing as a "poly community." Since then the landscape has changed radically. Organized poly groups are still relatively young: only a handful predate the 1990s, and most started after the turn of the century. They have proliferated in recent years, in part because community is such an essential part of healthy poly relationships. By the time Eve and Peter opened up, they were able to find poly groups and other poly people, though they had to move to a big city to do so. Nowadays, poly discussion, support and social groups exist all over North America and western Europe and are beginning to pop up elsewhere. Nearly every city in the United States has at least one. The Internet is filled with them; it's hard to find social media sites without large, active poly forums. Poly-related dating sites are appearing so quickly it's hard to keep track of them.
Having a social network that understands who we are is important on a number of levels. Simply knowing that we are not alone, that there are others like us, is tremendously empowering. Franklin receives many emails from people expressing how validating it is just to know they aren't alone in wanting a life of happy multiple relationships. A support network also helps provide reality checks. No one can do this alone. When we can talk to other people about the problems we're having, hear their stories and gain their insights, it equips and empowers us to build better relationships ourselves. Having a community of peers who won't repeat the monogamous scripts—that problems in a poly relationship happen because we haven't found The One yet, that poly relationships aren't "real," and so forth—liberates us and helps us find solutions that work.
It's hard to overstate how important this is. Most of us have deeply internalized messages about what's okay in relationships. Polyamory requires us to uproot and discard many of those messages. This becomes a lot harder if the people we turn to for support reinforce those messages whenever we confide in them. "Well, what do you expect?" "That's what you get for cheating." "Why are you letting her do this to you?" "You must have low self-esteem." "He's just using you for sex." No matter how bold or resilient you feel starting out in the world of polyamory, believe us, this kind of thing will wear you down—and when your relationships are struggling and you need emotional support, the lack of empathy can be downright devastating.
One common example is what happens when a couple agrees to be polyamorous, then breaks up. If the members of the couple are primarily tapped in to monogamous culture, the story that will get traction will be the standard cheating narrative. This will be doubly true if it appears that one person left her partner for someone else. It can be very easy for the partner who was "left behind" to enlist the support of his community in vilifying his ex and her new partner. The shaming this can entail can be extremely destructive if you have even a trace of those monogamous scripts left in your own internal self-evaluation process. We have seen this happen many, many times.
You need poly friends. Just take our word for it. A poly social network is also important for something we talked about in chapter 4: self-efficacy. Recall that self-efficacy is a belief that you can do something, even if you have never done it before. That's awfully hard if you have no role models who have succeeded at what you're trying to do.
It's common for the people in a monogamous relationship to become each other's main or even only social support structure. Many monogamous couples do almost everything, including nearly all of their socializing, together. They may share the same friends, spend most or all of their leisure time together, even have the same hobbies. There's nothing wrong with this, but polyamory creates a potential complication. If your partner is on a date with another partner, you may feel adrift, without any activities you're accustomed to doing alone. There's not a great deal of social support for just one member of a relationship.
Building a social network of polyamorous and poly-friendly friends is a huge benefit. Developing individual hobbies and interests, social circles who don't expect you will always be with your partner, and activities you can do on your own all benefit you—not only when your partner is off on a date with someone else, but also in making you happier and more resilient.
Finding your community
Where are poly people? The short answer is "everywhere." We have met polyamorous people just about everywhere you can think of, including at fast-food restaurants. The number and size of the organized communities hints at the number of people interested. We have spoken to polyamorous people from Ghana, South Africa, Norway, Sweden, Germany, Ukraine, and just about everywhere else. For every person who's part of a poly discussion group, there are many more who are polyamorous without being part of a community.
The easiest way to find poly people is to be open about being polyamorous yourself. The more open you are, the easier it gets. When you treat polyamory as something normal and casual, you create a safe place for others to open up to you.
Franklin's Story One day several years ago, I was at a printing company waiting to meet with someone about a print job. It was a Monday afternoon, and the receptionist asked, "Did you do anything interesting this weekend?"
"Yes," I said. "My girlfriend and I went to see The Happening on Saturday. After that, her other boyfriend and his other girlfriend and I went out to dinner. We had a great time, but the movie was pretty mediocre. I don't recommend it."
"Oh, you're polyamorous!" she replied. "So am I! Besides my boyfriends, I don't know many other poly people."
Franklin's is just one of many, many similar experiences we have had as openly poly people. When you're new to polyamory, meeting other poly people can feel impossible. Creating a safe place for other people to be open with you requires courage, but often the rewards are more than worth the risk. To find poly-related discussion and support groups, Google, social media sites, Meetup.com and polygroups.com are your friends. Do a search for "polyamory" and the name of the closest city or large town, and see what turns up.
There's a lot of overlap between poly and kink communities. The organized BDSM world is older and more established than the organized poly community, so towns that don't have a poly presence will still often have gatherings of kinky people. Even if you're not that interested in kink, you can sometimes find poly people by attending BDSM munches, which are social events where kinky folks get together in low-pressure public spaces to chat and socialize. You don't need to be kinky to attend a munch. If kink isn't your thing, fear not; once you've connected with a few poly people, you'll find it easier to meet more.
If you can't find a poly community where you are, create one! This can be as simple as starting a meetup on a site like Meetup.com. Decide on a schedule and a venue (lots of poly social meetups happen in restaurants or cafes), and commit to being there every month. You might get only one or two people showing, or even nobody at all the first few times, but that's okay. Perseverance pays off. The women's discussion group that Eve helps organize went more than a year with only two or three people showing up before it took off; today meetings often fill to capacity within a few hours of being announced.
If you'd rather have a focused discussion, with topics and moderation, find online poly communities (social networking sites are valuable for this) and announce your intentions. Set a time and a place, maybe your home if you like (it's quieter and more sociable than a restaurant). Create a website or social media page if you can, and list it on polygroups.com. Again, you may not get many people at first, but these things tend to gather steam over time. If your interests are more in building a social network, host poly movie nights or have poly outings to events such as movies or shows.
Polyamory and LGBTQ communities
The intersection of polyamory with lesbian, gay, bi, trans and queer communities has been complex and sometimes turbulent. Well before the polyamory movement got rolling in the late 1980s and 1990s, many gay and lesbian communities had already established their own cultural norms around non-monogamy. For example, The Ethical Slut was written against a backdrop of queer and kinky community, and it only briefly mentioned polyamory in its first edition. A great deal of polyamorous thought was pioneered by queer women such as Janet Hardy, Dossie Easton and Tristan Taormino.
While poly communities and discussion groups tend to be very accepting of LGBTQ people, most people in them tend to come from a cisgender and largely heteronormative background, and these groups can still have subtle problems with homophobia and transphobia. Cis hetero people may not be able to identify with the issues that gay, lesbian and trans people live daily. So it's no surprise that self-identified queer, gay, lesbian and trans people are not always comfortable in poly communities. Bisexual women, on the other hand, make up a large proportion of many poly groups, although bisexual men tend to be rare, absent or invisible. In some areas so many women in poly communities identify as bisexual that many people seem to assume it by default.
Unfortunately, the gay and lesbian communities have not always been accepting of bisexuality. (Franklin's partner Amber used to identify as lesbian and felt that she could not express her attraction to men without being ostracized.) The emergence of the poly community offered a place for bisexual-identified people, and later trans people, to find acceptance among people interested in non-monogamy. This may explain in part why poly groups today often have a relatively high percentage of bisexual and trans members.
Some people who identify as gay, lesbian or queer express concerns that polyamory is politically problematic. The fear is that polyamory harms efforts by gay, lesbian and trans activists to portray gay relationships as non-threatening, or that polyamory may pander to stereotypes that non-straight people, particularly gay men, are sexually promiscuous. Because members of sexual minorities are subject to social censure already, there can be pressure on people in same-sex relationships to be "model citizens" by promoting relationship ideals that are as socially acceptable as possible.
Other complaints leveled at polyamory have included the idea that it spreads STIs; that the gay community needs people willing to model successful, long-term monogamous relationships; that polyamory damages efforts toward legal same-sex marriage; and that in the context of gay and lesbian subcultures, it distracts attention away from the civil rights struggles of gay people. Even activists who support polyamory can express the idea that gays and lesbians should focus their attention on matters of basic civil rights first, rather than spend time and effort promoting acceptance of polyamory.
It doesn't help that media portrayals of polyamory tend to focus on straight cis people. This means that LGBTQ people or groups may view poly as something straight people do, or as something that reinforces conventional gender roles and power inequities.
Some poly lesbians find it especially difficult to come out in their communities, because lesbian couples have fought so hard to gain social recognition that they are wary of anything that seems to risk undermining that recognition. The small size of such communities can make it difficult for some gays and lesbians to have the same freedom of choice and expectations of privacy that cisgender, heterosexual people enjoy. ("Anyone can know except my softball team!" is something we've heard more than once—really!—and on opposite sides of North America.) We've also heard from trans people who have been told that polyamory "de-legitimizes" them by preventing them from finding "true" intimacy. Franklin has heard people say polyamory is something that trans people settle for when they can't find "real" relationships of their own.
Resistance to polyamory and bisexuality is by no means the case everywhere, though at one time it was common. What appears to be the oldest continuously running in-person poly discussion group in the world was founded in 1997 by a lesbian triad who encountered animosity toward polyamory from other gays and lesbians. And what resistance remains is diminishing. Since about 2000 the landscape seems to have changed greatly, with much greater acceptance of polyamory in gay and lesbian communities. In some places it's now accepted very widely, and many pride parades regularly include a poly presence. Discussion groups are cropping up just for LGBTQ polys—you name it, there's probably a Facebook group for it.
The result of all this is that your experience will vary depending on which of the letters you identify with, where you live and the particular communities you have access to. It's a good bet, though, that you will encounter more ignorance than hostility, and you will likely need to spend time educating both the straight/cis poly people you connect with and any LGBTQ communities you're a part of.
The poly closet
How and whether to come out, and to whom, is a major topic of conversation throughout the poly world. Many people believe being open isn't an option for them. Deciding whether to be out is something all people in poly relationships eventually need to address. The decision is a personal one. There is no "right" answer. As among gays, everyone has the right to decide for themselves whether and how much to be open about their life.
There are many advantages to being out. You cease to live in fear of exposure. Being out makes finding partners far easier, you can more easily identify your enemies, and your allies can find you.
There absolutely are costs to being out. Polyamory is not a protected status; people can lose their housing or their jobs if they have a hostile landlord or boss. If you are divorced and not on good terms with your ex, custody of your children may be at stake; Franklin has seen at least one person lose custody of her children because of her involvement in polyamory, though she was later able to win custody back. In the U.S. military, Article 134, paragraph 62 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice prohibits adultery if the conduct prejudices "good order and discipline" or is "of a nature to bring discredit upon the Armed Forces." In practice, whether you will be targeted depends on whether someone is out to get you. Prosecutions are quite rare, but in theory servicemen in adulterous relationships may be disciplined, dishonorably discharged and even imprisoned, regardless of whether the arrangement is consensual. While we can't find any examples of military prosecution for polyamory, many servicemen and women cite fear of prosecution as a reason to be closeted.
Even without specific concerns about child custody, housing, employment or military service, many choose to remain closeted because they don't want friends or family to find out. But there are costs to remaining closeted too. And these costs may not be borne equally by all the people involved with the closeted person. Often he or she is already in a socially approved relationship of some sort, such as a marriage. A couple in a recognized relationship gets to claim the benefits of social approval and validation, while many of the drawbacks for their being closeted fall on their other partners, who may chafe under the demand for secrecy.
For example, when a couple is closeted, it's a pretty sure bet that any third or fourth person will have to steer clear of all their social functions, from family holidays to company picnics. If they do come, the relationship will likely be downplayed or not acknowledged at all. In extreme cases, the non-sanctioned partner may even be presented as an employee, such as a nanny or personal assistant.
A closeted person may have no social support network to call on in hard times. Problems in the relationship may thus stay under wraps, festering quietly. It can also be difficult to feel secure in the relationship when your partner is always saying "No, we're just friends," or even "She works for us." This is likely to make the "secret" partner feel like a source of shame, that she's being forced to compromise her integrity, or both.
For that reason, if you're building a relationship with someone who is closeted, especially if she is already in a socially approved relationship, it's important to discuss what that means. What does she gain from being closeted, and at what cost to you? Will it be okay if your relationship is never acknowledged for what it is? What happens if there is an accidental disclosure? Is there a benefit to you of remaining closeted? How important is it to you to be able to talk freely about your relationship? If you are never able to be seen in public with your partner, will that become a hardship on you? Under what conditions, if any, can these restrictions be revisited? Has the cost of coming out been balanced against the cost of remaining in the closet?
The risks of being out
When we talk to people who are closeted, the most common concerns we hear about being out are worry over disapproval from close family members or friends, fear of being seen as "weird" or "strange" (or worse, as a victim), fear of being excluded from social or church groups, and fear of the effect their being out will have on children (for example, many poly people say that other parents won't allow their children to play with the children of openly poly people).
All these things can happen. Poly people have been cut off by family members, had their children's friends (or even their children) snatched away, and been told they aren't welcome in church groups because they're poly. Sometimes the reaction is based on an idea that polyamory is inherently immoral—that it's little more than sanctioned cheating. Some people even find poly more objectionable than cheating, which is something that mainstream culture at least understands. Sometimes the reaction is driven by feelings closer to home. We have spoken to many people who, upon coming out to monogamous friends, are told, in essence, "You are a danger to our relationship. I don't want you near my spouse." Eve has lost several close male friends after coming out as poly. As a married woman, she had not been seen as a threat.
Franklin's Story Many years ago, when I first started dating Maryann, my new relationship caused conflict between my business partner at the time and his girlfriend. His girlfriend believed that Maryann was his "type," so when she and I started dating, his girlfriend became convinced that he would follow my lead and want a poly relationship too.
They argued about it for almost a week, in spite of the fact that my business partner had never expressed any interest in polyamory generally or in Maryann specifically.
We call this particular response "fear of the polyamorous possibility," a term coined by Dr. Elisabeth Sheff. Sometimes it is expressed as fear that poly people are always on the prowl. At its root, it's the fear that polyamory offers an attractive option—for your partner, and maybe for you. About all you can do when faced with this reaction is to explain that you're not interested in people in monogamous relationships. Don't expect that always to work, though. Sometimes you have to accept that you will lose friends.
Eve's Story My very first coming-out story is a perfect horror story of what to avoid. Peter and I had made the decision to be poly the year before, but we were clueless in how to talk about it, or to whom, or how to meet people. I had a crush on his friend Justin, who was married to an acquaintance of mine, Jeanne. We decided it would be a good idea to come out to them by having Peter talk to Justin about our open relationship and my interest in Justin.
Their conversation went well, but Justin said that Jeanne would never accept an open relationship, and Peter and I considered the matter closed. Except that a few weeks later, Justin told Jeanne about the conversation. The next day, Jeanne sent me two of the most vitriolic, angry emails I have ever received, before or since. She had decided that my entire relationship with her had been a ploy to get to Justin, that I had been implementing a long-term master plan to manipulate her, or perhaps even go behind her back. She accused me of taking a desperate grasp at a fantasy and told me, "I will warn you to keep your eyes and your mind off my husband." I asked her to meet me to talk face-to-face, but she refused to see me.
This experience was the first time I realized just how far Peter and I really were from mainstream society: by the traditional script, I was clearly in the wrong, and Jeanne was absolutely right to hate and fear me. Until then, I had imagined we might be selling our friends short by not telling them, but with this, I began to doubt myself—and them.
Eve and Peter lost many friends besides Justin and Jeanne, even after learning the (rather obvious to them now) lesson that it's better to find out how people feel about polyamory—and you being poly—before you disclose an interest in them. This kind of rejection never happened again quite so dramatically, but many people gradually distanced themselves, stopped returning calls, changed the subject when we'd mention our other partners. Usually it didn't seem to be judgment that created the distance, only discomfort—a feeling that they were somehow no longer the same, that their friends couldn't relate to them. And to be fair, the experience was so chilling that they may have pulled away from other friends in the small community they lived in—which they left shortly thereafter, to move to a large city—purely out of self-defense.
Coming out poly
Being open has a lot of personal advantages. It relieves what is for many a constant sense of tension and dread about what will happen if someone says the wrong thing or lets the wrong information slip. It's easier to be authentic to yourself when you don't need to hide who you are. It's easier to act with integrity when you're authentic to yourself. Not expecting partners to be closeted, and being willing to acknowledge partners as partners, helps promote strong, secure relationships.
Eve's Story During the four years that Peter and I explored the idea of opening our relationship, without being sure what that would look like, we didn't talk to any of our friends or family about it. Even when we bought a house with another family, we didn't come out to them. We saw it as part of our private sex lives, no one's business.
That all changed when I fell in love with Ray.
Ray was very quickly becoming an important part of my life, but one I couldn't mention. I would censor myself when I talked to my friends, and I realized that that wasn't okay. And falling for Ray was changing everything for me: who I was, what I wanted, what my marriage would look like from then on. If my friends were going to know me, they needed to know about Ray.
So I made a list of all the most important people in my life. And one by one, coffee after coffee, I came out to each one of them. For the most part, my friends lived up to the trust I'd given them. Though some fell by the wayside or pulled back, most were not only supportive of my choices, but have done their best to learn and understand, to ask questions and not make assumptions. They've been willing to spend time with my other partners and with Peter's other partners.
Then I came to the last name on the list. My mom. I'd always felt my mom held up my relationship with Peter as some kind of personal romantic ideal. When we separated, four years into our relationship, we never told her; we were too afraid of the pain the disappointment would cause. So it was pretty darn scary to tell her about being poly, that we weren't that romantic ideal and never would be.
Peter and I drove to meet my mom for dinner one evening and agreed that was when we'd tell her. On the drive there, I began to panic. Peter took my hand and asked me if I'd like him to do the talking; I said yes.
That may sound cowardly, but it turned out to be important. It's not just that Peter is a good talker. Hearing about my relationship with Ray in Peter's own words allowed my mother to see that he was on board with it, a full participant in our decision to be poly, and supportive of my relationship with Ray. If she hadn't heard it from Peter, she could have easily imagined that I was just cheating and we were trying to put a positive spin on it, or that I was taking advantage of Peter.
So you're ready to come out. How do you do it? Every person may have a different preferred approach. That said, some approaches succeed more often than others. You probably don't want to sit down at the Thanksgiving table and say, "Mom, Dad, I want you to know I'm having sex with a bunch of people. Pass the cranberry sauce?" Holidays can be stressful under the best of circumstances, with everyone hoping Uncle Bill won't repeat last year's incident with the lampshade and the toaster. Plus, coming out means revealing something deeply personal about yourself, and that usually works better as part of a private conversation.
A more successful approach might be "You know my friend Marcel, right? Who I spend a lot of time with? Marcel and I are in a romantic relationship. There's nothing wrong between Ambrose and me. Our relationship is excellent, and I'm grateful to have his support as I explore my relationship with Marcel. We're very happy together. I love you, and it's important for me to be authentic with you." Focus on the positive, without apology or evasion. You're here to share yourself, not to apologize for being who you are. Talk about how polyamory is a part of your life that makes you happy. Above all, remember the people you're talking to are people you want to share authenticity with.
It certainly helps to have your partners right there, or at least your socially recognized partner, as with Eve and Peter. This shows, in a way that can't be ignored, that your partners really are in on it and okay with it. Otherwise your listeners may sometimes assume you're not telling them the real story, or that you are deluded. Allow them time to process what they're hearing. The people who love you want what's best for you, even if they think what's best for you comes from a rigid social script. If someone reacts negatively, you may be tempted to respond defensively. Try not to do that. Be polite and cordial. Say "I would be happy to discuss this with you more, if you like." Be willing, if the other person is interested, to share what it is about your relationships that brings you joy. And then be prepared to give people space! It can take time for friends and family to come around to understanding that you're not a terrible cheater stepping out on your long-suffering partner or taking advantage of a string of lovers.
Being polyamorous is still not as well understood as, for example, being gay or bisexual. So it's likely that the people you come out to will have a lot of questions about what it means. It helps to have a short spiel about what polyamory is. You can explain the basics: It's a form of romantic relationship where you have more than one romantic partner at the same time with everybody's knowledge and consent. It's not a form of cheating, sanctioned or otherwise. The focus of polyamory is different from the focus in swinging, which tends to be more concerned with recreational sex rather than romantic relationships. It's not the same as polygamy, which is the practice of having multiple spouses. It's not about collecting a harem, as polyamory tends to give all the people involved freedom to be involved in more than one relationship at once. It doesn't mean that your existing relationship, if you have one, is in trouble.
It helps to start by telling people who are more likely to be supportive. Sometimes, if you have one family member you are sure will be a problem, coming out to more accepting friends or family first is useful, because they can act as allies when you talk to others. Even if they try to be supportive, people can also be unintentionally hurtful when they first learn about polyamory. If someone says, "Oh, I thought you and Olivia were happy," that doesn't necessarily mean they're trying to disparage your relationship. It may simply indicate an assumption that polyamory means you're dissatisfied with your partner. A simple, upbeat "Oh, we are! We love being together!" is a good way to address this response. Again, focus on the positive. Don't let the other person get under your skin.
Coming out doesn't have to involve a deep, serious conversation. Sometimes the easiest way is to let it arise naturally in a conversation.
"What did you do last night?"
"My boyfriend and I went out dancing with his wife and her girlfriend. We had a great time! There's a new place downtown that's really nice, though the band was only so-so."
Answer questions that come up, but don't feel compelled to share more information than the person you're talking to seems interested in hearing.
People take their cues for how to respond from the way you present something. If you're open and casual about coming out, people will tend to react like it's not a big deal. If you act like it's shameful or embarrassing, people will think it is. Anxiety about being out makes it more difficult to act casual, so the more you're worried about the way someone will respond, the more likely you'll receive a negative response, which increases your anxiety about coming out, which makes it more likely people will respond poorly…and so on.
Remember that coming out is a process, not something that happens in an instant. You might choose to come out to some people first, then gradually expand the circle.
Women coming out as polyamorous sometimes face greater social pushback than men do, because of the double standard that men with multiple partners are "studs" while women with multiple partners are "sluts." This double standard can result in much harsher judgment for women. It can be tempting to counter accusations of promiscuity by saying, "No, I'm not promiscuous, I'm very selective," or "I'm polyfidelitous," but that ends up reinforcing the double standard. It's a way of tacitly saying, "Yes, promiscuity is bad, but I'm not that way."
We don't know of any thirty-second elevator speech that effectively counters this ingrained social attitude. The best advice we can offer is to meet it with confidence and self-assurance. Keep your cool, respond calmly that a woman's value doesn't depend on her sex life or being opposed to sex, and above all, avoid internalizing this kind of judgment.
Coming out and children
One question nearly every poly parent has is when and how to explain things to children, and how much to disclose to them. The best guideline we know of, repeated to us over the years by dozens of poly parents, is to be open, within age-appropriate boundaries. For you to answer questions honestly as they arise may be all many children need or want; you may never need to have a serious sit-down talk about your lifestyle (although your child may someday want to initiate one). The healthiest poly homes we know of are the ones where the parents are open about their partners.
Trying to conceal relationships from children is unlikely to work and may lead them to feel that your relationships are somehow shameful or dirty. At the same time, there's rarely a need to disclose anything about your sex life to your kids, except—perhaps—when it's time to have the safety talk with them about their own sex lives. "You know how Mom's boyfriend has two other girlfriends? Well, here's how we keep that safe." In between, well…your three-year-old probably doesn't need to know that your good buddy Brian is anything other than a friend who loves Daddy. Your six-year-old is likely to pick up that Brian is pretty special to Dad, and by eight years old, she'll have probably figured out that Brian is Daddy's boyfriend.
The situation is a little different if you have older kids and decide to open your relationship. Your children won't have grown up accustomed to having other partners around. Then you probably will need to have the Talk. You will likely find it easier to come out to them once you actually have a new partner, or at least when someone's on the horizon. Again, you don't need to disclose more than is appropriate for your child's age. A younger child may just need to know that the new person is important; an older one should be told that they are a partner. You may or may not choose to go into the word polyamory.
Your child will need many of the same reassurances as adults: That your being poly doesn't mean the parents don't love each other anymore. That it doesn't mean you're going to have a string of strangers parading through the house. That you are committed to keeping them safe and happy, and that you want to know about any concerns they have about any partner of yours.
When Franklin's partner Vera came out to her daughter Angelica, who was six, Angelica asked for veto power over Vera's partners. Vera told her no, but said that she could always talk about a concern, that she had a right to get to know Vera's partners, and that she had a right to continue to see Vera's partners even after Vera was no longer involved with them, if she wanted.
Be prepared for the possibility that your children, particularly preteens or teenagers, will reject your polyamory outright. It may take them years to understand and accept. In fact, polyamory may become part of the focus of their teenage rebellion. They may hurl toxic judgments at you, as happens to lots of parents with teenagers; you've just given them a special target. The fact that it's to be expected—and ultimately not about you—doesn't mean it won't hurt. Have faith that by the time they are adults, they are likely to come around.
Children also complicate whether to be out publicly. Depending on where you live, you and your kids may experience stigma, and you may even face legal threats. Particularly in some conservative areas of the United States, polyamory can be and is used as a powerful weapon in custody battles. (In most parts of Canada, where polyamory has been recognized by the courts as legal, evidence of polyamory is very hard to admit into child custody or child protection cases.) Teachers and other parents may react badly to your lifestyle and end up taking it out on the kids. These are all considerations in the decision whether to be out.
Many poly parents are out in their wider communities, and—sometimes after a period of adjustment—many find that it presents little difficulty. (Your mileage may vary, of course: this is very location-specific.) Even if you live in a fairly accepting community, you may find that your kids feel embarrassed about not having a "normal" family. It's a good idea to think about how to balance your own need to be out against your kids' needs or desires for privacy, especially as they get older.
Coming out to therapists and health care professionals
We believe it's very important to be honest about polyamory with certain people. As Franklin's mom says, "Never lie to your doctor or your lawyer. They can't help you if they don't know the truth." Most doctors will probably assume, if not told otherwise, that their patients are straight, cisgender and monogamous. Being polyamorous is not the STI risk that some people believe it to be, but it does raise your risk profile. Some doctors are reluctant to give STI tests to patients who are married or in long-term relationships, for example, because they assume the tests are unnecessary.
With therapists or counselors, being out is arguably even more important. Being able to talk freely to your therapist is essential to effective therapy. More to the point, if your therapist judges you or tries to pin whatever problems you have on polyamory, you have a bad therapist. You want to discover that so you can get a different one.
Coming out to a health care professional means, as with anyone else, overcoming your fear of judgment or disapproval. But remember that your doctor and your therapist are your employees. You're paying them to render a professional service. Professional ethics require them to conduct themselves appropriately, regardless of their personal beliefs about relationships.
If you're not out to others, you may be concerned that a health care professional might out you to family members, your employer or other people. In most cases this is a violation of professional ethics, may be against the law and may give you grounds to sue. Patient confidentiality is an important part of the health care system; without it, people can't be expected to open up about important things. Nevertheless, some doctors and, slightly more often, therapists do behave unethically, so the risk of you being out to them is not zero.
Franklin has a speech he uses with any new medical professional that goes something like this: "If you and I are going to work together, there are some things you need to know about me. One is that I am polyamorous. I have multiple sexual partners, with the knowledge of everyone involved. I am aware of STI risks and I take care to talk to all my partners about our health boundaries. We take safer-sex measures as appropriate. I am also involved in consensual BDSM activities with some of my partners. This means there may be times when there are marks on my body. This does not indicate I am in an abusive relationship. If you have any questions or concerns, please ask me now, and I would be happy to talk to you about them. If you have a problem with this, please let me know, as I don't believe we will be a good fit for each other."
There are booklets and resources on the Web for therapists and other professionals explaining what they need to know about polyamorous relationships. If you're concerned that your therapist won't know how to talk to you about your romantic life, see the links to these at the end of this book. It pays to ask other poly folks for referrals to doctors or other professionals. Finding a poly-aware professional can save you a lot of stress, and you shouldn't have to teach a professional about polyamory on your dime. If you can't get a referral, you can try a Web search for "poly-aware professionals," though that's more likely to succeed in or near a large North American city. Directories of queer-friendly or kink-friendly professionals can also be quite helpful, as these people tend to also be poly-aware or at least not sex-negative.
There's a special pitfall in working with a health care professional who is herself part of an alternative community: you may end up meeting them in a social context. Handling this overlap requires impeccable boundaries and integrity on the part of the professional. We've seen it handled very badly, with serious negative consequences. The person you're working with should normally be covered by some sort of licensing board or professional association, which will usually have a code of ethics. Such codes normally discourage social contact outside the professional relationship.
Letting your loved ones love you
Accepting you as poly may be a big step for the people close to you. They may feel they don't know you as well as they thought they did, or that you're a different person than they thought you were. Over time, most will come to see that you are still the same person they've always cared about. The truth is that most people—though certainly not all—will eventually adjust their worldview a bit to make it big enough to fit someone they love, rather than become permanently estranged from a close friend or family member. Coming to terms with you being poly may force them to confront inner demons of their own. This can take time.
Eve's Story It took time for my mother to come to terms with my polyamory. I gave her books, which she read. She had occasional "Where did I go wrong?" moments. At first she resisted meeting Ray, though eventually she did. That helped: she was able to see him as a real person, and our relationship as a real thing, and see how much we cared about each other. About a month later she sent me this email, with a request to share it with Peter and Ray:
My Dearest Eve, Peter, and Ray,
I began reading the books you lent me on polyamory, starting with the Wendy-O Matik book because it looked like it would be quick and easy to read, and that resulted in quite an epiphany when I found myself reading the same things I thought, believed in, and forgot decades ago.
Years ago, before I met any of you, I figured out about love and loving and being loved. I believed it and preached it, and when I had an opportunity to actually do it, guess what? I totally fucked it up! And by that, I mean I not only failed to make it work by not even beginning to practice what I'd been loudly and vehemently preaching to anybody with the patience to listen, but I did as much damage as I possibly could to as many people as possible (including, but unfortunately by no means limited to, myself), and emerged feeling aggrieved and self-righteous about it all.
So you might think that, when you told me you had decided polyamory was right for you, I reacted with anxiety and defensiveness because I'd had such a devastating experience myself, but you would be wrong. I reacted that way because I sensed something really ugly was lurking beneath the surface of my integrity with which, whether I chose to or not, I was about to come face to face.
I'm guessing the point of dredging all this up now is that maybe it will leave me free to love all of you, and the other friends and lovers that will come into your lives, respect the choices you have made, and be proud of your courage, independence, and ability to love in ways for which you will find very little support and much discouragement. Anyway, that's my hope.
I'm entirely supportive of the way you have determined to live your lives and delighted that my daughter has two such wonderful men in her life.
Much, much love,
Mom
When we make ourselves vulnerable to others, we do more than show them how we value their friendship. We show that we trust them and are willing to be seen by them. We choose to let them show us the best of themselves. This is, perhaps, the best reason to come out to those we love.
Questions to Ask Yourself
It's important to consider whether you have an adequate social support system when you begin polyamorous relationships. It's also important to carefully consider why you choose to remain closeted or to come out, and the effects that this decision will have on you and those close to you. Here are some things to think about: