“You two were awfully quiet during dinner,” Dawson commented as the five of them entered the apartment later that evening. “Did something happen earlier today?”
Elias was carrying Amelia, and he jostled her around to his front to pat her back. “He’s right. I noticed too.”
Jeremy glanced at Grecia as he shut the door, his lips parting, but she wrapped a hand around his forearm to stop him. She needed to be the one to fill in the other two men.
“Jeremy and I had a talk earlier today,” she began.
Dawson stiffened as he slowly lowered to sit on the sofa.
Elias frowned as he did the same next to his friend, still bouncing the baby as if she were fussy. She wasn’t, but Elias was visibly nervous.
Jeremy slid a hand down Grecia’s arm and threaded their fingers together in solidarity. She appreciated it, but that drew the attention of both men on the couch, who were now staring at the connection. They looked pale.
Grecia drew in a breath. “I appreciate all three of you more than you’ll ever know. I don’t think I could have survived the last month without you. I was close to rock bottom when you swooped in and rescued me.”
Dawson and Elias weren’t moving a single muscle. She needed to speak faster because she was freaking them out. “I know I’ve been keeping all of you in limbo, and you’ve been so patient with me. I also know you’re all waiting on me.”
Dawson shook his head. “We’re not, Grecia. No one expects anything from you and we don’t want you to feel that way.”
Elias nodded. “He’s right.” His gaze shifted to Jeremy’s and Grecia’s combined hands though. “But I’m thinking you’ve made a decision of some sort, and that’s okay too. If you’re asking Dawson and me to leave, we can do that.” His words were tight and choked. He turned from pale to a bit green.
Grecia released Jeremy’s fingers and rushed over to the other two men, dropping down to sit on the coffee table so she was facing them, her knees almost touching theirs.
She reached out to touch both men at once. One hand on Dawson’s where it rested fisted on his thigh. One hand on Elias’s forearm where he held Amelia. “I’m asking you to stay,” she blurted.
They were both breathing shallowly.
“I told Jeremy earlier that I want more.”
“More?” Elias asked, setting his other hand on top of hers.
Dawson wrapped his other fingers around hers too. He inhaled slowly. His lips parted, but he looked afraid to speak.
Jeremy stepped behind Grecia and set his hands on her shoulders. “We kissed.”
Dawson and Elias both jerked their gazes up to his, eyes wide before they trailed back down to hers.
She smiled. “I don’t have the foggiest clue what I’m capable of without panicking, but apparently I can handle being kissed.”
Dawson licked his lips. “And you’d like to kiss us too?”
It was almost comical, and also sweet.
“Yes.” She was trembling now. This was so awkward. She wished they didn’t have to so blatantly discuss it, but it was unavoidable.
Both men breathed out a sigh of relief.
“You’re sure?” Dawson asked.
She nodded.
Jeremy rounded the coffee table and reached down to take Amelia from Elias’s arms. He headed into the spare room where her crib was. He didn’t shut the door, but he didn’t come back either.
Elias slid his hand around to hold hers palm to palm and leaned forward. He reached out with his other hand and stroked her cheek. “I know I can speak for Dawson too when I say we would be humbled and honored if you wanted to move this relationship in a new direction. Only if it’s something you’re feeling, however, not because you feel like you owe us. In addition, you’re allowed to cut any one of us out if you’re not feeling it.”
Grecia licked her lips. She wished they could skip this awkward phase.
Dawson shifted himself forward, holding her other hand in his. “He’s right.”
She smiled. “We’ve been dancing around each other for a month. Based on the way you both burn holes in me with your gazes, I assume you both have feelings beyond kind friendship. I know I’m a hot mess, and I have no clue what a normal, healthy relationship feels like, but if you’ll be patient with me, I’d like to see where it leads.”
“Always, sweetheart,” Elias stated.
Dawson stroked her bottom lip with his thumb much like Jeremy had earlier. “Would you like one of us to leave? We don’t want to overwhelm you.”
She shook her head. She didn’t really know what she wanted. But she did want to get this awkward first kiss out of the way and end that dance. She had immediately felt more relaxed around Jeremy after they’d kissed. It broke the ice or something. It also opened a Pandora’s Box.
Elias gave her hand a gentle pull. “Would you like to move over here and sit on the couch?”
She rose as the two men parted to create space between them for her to sit.
They glanced at each other in silent communication. Elias nodded toward Dawson.
The entire thing was surreal. Sort of choreographed. How did a person go about setting up house with three men? So many emotions. So many feelings.
Her palms were sweating, and she rubbed them on the front of her skirt.
Dawson slid his fingertips up her arm and cupped her neck. He held her gaze, his thumb grazing along her jawline. “We never want you to be uncomfortable with anything we do. If it’s ever too much, say the word.”
She set her hand on top of his and leaned forward, initiating the kiss herself. As soon as her lips met his, his hand flexed. “You smell so good,” he murmured against her mouth, nibbling along her lips.
She whimpered and grabbed his shoulder, pressing closer, soaking in every moment of this new experience. He smelled good too. Each of them had a different scent, but she could identify them already even though they hadn’t been intimate in any way. She’d been close enough to each of them many times. Close enough to memorize their distinct scents and mannerisms.
Dawson moaned as he slid his tongue along her bottom lip. He was trembling. She couldn’t be sure why, but she liked it.
When she slid her tongue out to meet his, he met her, stroking along hers before gently sucking. He nipped and sucked at her lips too, leaving her mouth swollen.
The kiss was slow and sweet and teasing and tempting and gentle and…heated. Dawson finally released her lips and set his forehead against hers. “Jesus.”
She was breathing heavily.
“I haven’t kissed anyone but my wife,” he admitted. “I haven’t felt this kind of closeness since she died.”
That was huge, and she liked that he could look her in the eyes and share that personal detail. She liked that Elias was at her other side. He knew these facts about his friend. He didn’t say a word, but his hand was lightly stroking her shoulder.
The slight connection to another man could have been weird, but it wasn’t.
Dawson took a deep breath and leaned back. “Elias and I have never shared a woman before. This is new for us.”
“Is it too weird?” she asked, glancing from Dawson to Elias.
Elias shook his head. “We’ve always been close. This will bring us closer. It’s less weird than not sharing you.”
She gave him a silly smile. “You might decide you don’t like kissing me,” she teased.
He chuckled. “I already know I like kissing you from watching you kiss Dawson.”
She rolled her eyes. “You can’t know that. I’m not even good at it. So far in my life I’ve been kissed twice. Both were today.”
Elias’s eyes widened and his smile grew. “Then we feel honored.” He turned his body to more fully face her, held her cheeks with both hands, and brought his mouth to hers.
She gasped when he tipped his head to one side and deepened the contact seconds later. He wasn’t as tentative as Jeremy and Dawson had been, and she didn’t need him to be either. She needed the pressure, the moan, the deeper connection. It was Elias.
“Showoff,” Dawson grumbled when Elias released her.
Elias chuckled. “I’ve kissed more women than you have.”
Grecia put a hand on both their chests. “This isn’t a contest.”
Jeremy stepped out of the bedroom at that moment. “What’s not a contest?”
“Who can kiss better,” Elias declared. He was grinning as he looked at Jeremy. “How many women have you kissed?”
Jeremy’s brows shot high. “We’re not going there.”
Elias laughed.
Grecia wiggled her way out from between the two men and stood. She needed space. She needed to breathe. Her brain was on overload. “Okay, so, uh, I’m going to feed Amelia and then go to bed.” Even though Jeremy had taken the baby to the other room, Grecia could hear her whimpering. She was ready to be fed.
Grecia shuffled into the bedroom to pick her up and returned. All three men were in the same places where she’d left them, watching her. She was nervously shaking, partly from the kisses, partly from trying to decide where she wanted to feed the baby this time. The armchair in the living room was far more comfortable than her bed. She’d proven that earlier.
Jeremy nodded toward the chair. “Sit. We’ll leave.”
She took a deep breath and settled in the chair. “No. Stay. We can’t tiptoe around each other about my stupid boobs. They’re a food source. My nursing has to stop being weird. I don’t want to hide someplace uncomfortable to nurse her, nor do I want everyone else to run and hide either.”
Elias and Dawson sat back into their spots, but they looked slightly skeptical.
Grecia lifted her feet to the stool, opened her dress, unfastened the cup of her bra, and lifted Amelia to help her latch on. She looked up at the three men; two next to each other on the couch, one standing behind them. “I know you’ve all seen boobs before.”
Jeremy chuckled. “Somehow it’s different when they’re yours, but yes. We can be adults about this. You shouldn’t have to hide in your own home. The awkward tiptoeing is over.”
Dawson nodded. “I’m sorry we didn’t think of it sooner.”
“Me too,” Elias agreed.
Grecia watched their faces. They weren’t gawking at her. They didn’t have lascivious, lewd, raunchy leering eyes. They didn’t turn away, but they looked…reverent.
Suddenly Grecia realized she held a lot of power here. These men didn’t see her as being beneath them. They looked like they would gladly do anything to please her. They had done exactly that for a month. Jeremy had been doing it for three months.
When she entered a room, they jumped. When she needed something, they fought over who would get it for her. They worshiped Amelia as if she were a princess. Their kindness was genuine. No way would they still be hanging around if all they cared about was pinning her down and fucking her.
She shuddered and lowered her gaze, squeezing her eyes against that thought. She didn’t know how the hell she could ever have sex. This was a problem. It felt good to be touched and kissed, but she wasn’t stupid. Eventually they needed to add more physical contact. Sex.
With three men. And how did that work exactly? Did they intend to surround her and claim her all at the same time? She cringed and tried to focus on Amelia, holding her little hand as she suckled loudly.
She hadn’t stopped to think about what the relationships inside the compound looked like. She had questions. Lots of them. Cora might have some of the answers, but Ariel would be more help.
Grecia had a particular bond with Ariel because she’d been with two other Wanderers—Kester and Rush—when they found her in a rickety shack, in labor. Amelia had been breech. If it hadn’t been for the three of them, Grecia would have died. They had protected her. They had even killed a man that day to do so. One of her captors.
Ariel was close to Grecia’s age and in a relationship with three men. She’d been here longer. She would know how things worked and hopefully explain it.
“You look like you’re in a panic,” Jeremy said gently.
Grecia took a breath but kept her eyes on Amelia. She needed to voice her concerns. “I’m trying to imagine how this all works between us in the long run. I don’t know the ways of your people. Would you mind if I asked someone like Ariel to help me understand?” She glanced at them.
They all nodded. “Anything you need, honey,” Jeremy responded. “We want you to feel free to ask us questions too, but if you’re not comfortable, please talk to Ariel or anyone else you’d like.”
“Thank you.”
Dawson cleared his throat. “Relationships in this bunker come in all forms though, hon. No two are alike. There are no rules. I’m sure you’re wondering about the physical dynamic, and honestly, that’s up to us as a family unit.”
She nodded, looking back down at Amelia so they didn’t have to see her heated cheeks and she didn’t have to continue to stare at them.
Elias spoke next. His voice was soft. “We can’t know exactly what you’ve been through, what that year in captivity was like, but we can guess, and we know the stories we’ve heard from other women in similar situations. We know enough to realize you’ve been to the other side of hell. We know that will affect your relationships.”
She pursed her lips, trying not to cry. “I’m not sure I can be what you deserve,” she admitted.
Jeremy leaned forward, setting his elbows on the back of the couch. “You already are more than we deserve, honey.”
Tears escaped and she lifted a hand to brush them away. She’d cried rivers while she’d been in captivity. She didn’t want to continue to cry now. These tears were different though. Those men had taken something from her and she wasn’t sure she could get it back.
She was angry. Furious. She wanted to be the kind of woman who could build a real life with Elias, Dawson, and Jeremy. She wasn’t sure she could do it.
Dawson spoke again. “You’re here. You survived. You’re so strong. So brave. You walked through fire and came out on the other side.”
She looked up at him. He understood more than the other two because they attended a support group together. She hadn’t shared everything in that group, mostly because she wasn’t ready, but she’d shared some, and she’d listened a lot. Hearing other people’s sagas helped her heal. Everyone had a story that validated hers.
Tears ran down her cheeks as she stared at Dawson, reading between the lines. His wife had not survived. His child had not survived. Did he think it was because she hadn’t been strong enough?
Dawson swallowed and glanced down. As if he’d read her mind, he responded in a low voice, “Stacy did what had to be done, and I’ve never blamed her. I screamed at the universe. I screamed at a God who would let something like that happen to my wife and child, but I’ve never blamed Stacy.”
Elias reached over and set a hand on Dawson’s hands where they were fisted together between his legs. Jeremy placed his hand on Dawson’s back.
“I thought about it, you know. So many times,” Grecia admitted. “I thought about jumping out of a moving vehicle or off a bridge. I thought about grabbing one of their knives and stabbing myself in the gut. I thought about drowning myself. I thought about hanging myself.”
Dawson lifted his gaze to hers. All three of them stared at her with pain in their eyes.
“Stacy was the strong one. I was weak. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew I wouldn’t survive the living hell I was in. I knew Amelia wouldn’t survive either. I worried they would kill her the moment she was born. I worried they would do horrible things to her in front of me. I knew it would be better if I ended her life myself before she was born, but I didn’t have the strength.” Her voice rose, cracking as she started shaking.
Amelia had finished suckling and was asleep, oblivious to her mother’s scary rant. Grecia was cognizant enough to know the waves of anger coming off her couldn’t be healthy, so she rose and carried Amelia to her crib, settled her in the bed, tucked a blanket around her, and returned to the main room. She shut the door. Only then did she bother to pull her bra and dress back together.
No one had moved.
Grecia came to them. She lowered herself next to Dawson with Elias on the other side. She set her hand on top of their combined ones in solidarity. She leaned her head against Dawson’s shoulder.
Dawson turned his face toward her and rested his cheek against her head. “I’m so damn glad you’re here. I’m so fucking glad you couldn’t take your own life. I know it wasn’t an easy decision. I know it wasn’t easy for Stacy to make the opposite decision. Neither of you was wrong. You were just living. Day by day.”
Grecia tipped her head back and met his gaze, inches between them. “I feel like I should apologize for not being strong enough to end Amelia’s future suffering. I felt guilty. I know it’s not rational, but I do.”
Grecia knew Dawson understood. Elias and Jeremy did too, but Dawson knew a different kind of suffering neither of them could grasp.
Dawson pulled his hands out from the pile and wrapped an arm around Grecia, gently at first, and then with more pressure, holding her tight against his chest. He slid his other hand into her hair and settled her cheek against his shoulder.
Dawson’s breath hitched before he spoke again. “You can’t compare the two. You were living in hell, but you had hope. And you escaped. You got yourself and Amelia to safety before anyone had a chance to take her from you. You bided your time and waited for an opportunity, and you made it.”
Barely. She’d nearly died giving birth. She would have if Rush hadn’t shown up with help and skills. A godsend. She winced at the memory because Rush was currently missing. He’d been taken by the Republic and hadn’t been seen or heard from since.
Grecia wrapped her arms around Dawson’s wide chest and hugged him back with all the fierceness they both felt. She finally let go and cried. She cried for her suffering and for Dawson’s. She cried for Stacy and the agonizing decision she’d had to make to take her life and her child’s when faced with the alternative. She cried for every mother who had ever faced such an incredible horror.
Dawson cried too. She could feel his body shaking in her arms.
Jeremy and Elias closed ranks. They weren’t dry-eyed themselves. They wrapped their arms around the huddle, turning the four individuals into one entity. An entity that had come together in uncertain times and formed an unconventional family unit.
Grecia was exhausted when they finally eased back to wipe their eyes and take a collective breath. She met each of their gazes through the haze of her still-watery eyes. “Thank you.”
They all set a hand on her, and she didn’t flinch. They would never hurt her. Not intentionally. She knew that in her soul and a piece of her thawed in that moment. She had a tiny glimpse of hope that maybe she could be someone they could care about.
She still didn’t know if she could ever have the kind of intimate relationship normal people had, but she was closer than she’d ever been before. She’d made huge strides today. She’d touched them all intentionally. She’d kissed each of them. She’d nursed in front of them.
And she was currently sitting close, all of them stroking her arms and hands. It felt good. The calm she often felt when Jeremy touched her was burrowing in deeper. She felt her breathing easing in their collective presence.
Grecia was a long way from stripping naked and giving anyone her body, but she felt the first glimmer of hope that maybe it could happen.