Chapter 23
On Sunday morning, I feel so alive after another amazing night with Barrick. I feel as though I was meant to be here all along. I decide to let Mom know that I don’t want to go to Boston and want to pursue one of the colleges closer to Delight instead.
“Mom!” I call from my room.
“Yes, Cadence?” she asks as she walks into my room.
“Mom, I’ve decided I don’t want to go to Boston. I want to stay close to Delight.”
“Cadence, are you sure you’re making your decision for the right reasons?”
“Yes, Mom. I know that you didn’t want me to make my decision based on my feelings for Barrick but he’s only part of the reason. Last night we just sat out under the stars and everything just felt right, like I am supposed to be here. Near you and Gran and the farm.”
“Well, Cadence I’d be happy to have you close by as long as it’s what you want to do. I love you, honey.”
“I love you too, Mom.” We talk some more about the other colleges and then I show her Dad’s gift. She’s glad I opened it and actually cries when she sees what’s in it. She tells me that she has forgiven him and I should too. I know I will one day but I can’t just yet.
Jade and I have another long week at the studio but I’m used to the schedule by now. Barrick and I meet up in the barn every morning and check on Daisy and Paisley. I feel like a proud mama and, I guess, grandmama. Paisley is adorable and I just feel the need to take care of her. Man, I don’t know what the heck happened to me but I’d never believe I’d get mushy over a cow. I guess watching a new life come into the world changes you. I think I’m finally getting used to my new life.
Waking up Thursday morning, I realize that the sun is creeping in my window. I glance at my phone and jump out of bed. Shit! My alarm didn’t go off! Looking out the window I see that Barrick isn’t here yet, which means I didn’t sleep too late. I toss on some clothes, tell Gran I got it as she finishes her coffee, and hurry to check on Daisy.
As I open the door, I hear an odd sound. I look around and don’t see anything. Then I enter the barn and hear the sound again. What is that? It almost sounds like something is in distress. My heart begins to race. Oh gosh! Daisy!
Hurrying to the stall, I find Daisy lying on her side mooing in pain. Without another thought, I sprint back to the house and pull the screen door open quickly.
As it slams behind me, I yell, “Gran! Gran!”
“What’s wrong, Cade? I was heading down now.”
Tears begin to well in my eyes as I try to tell her between breaths. “Daisy. Hurt. Help her!” I squall. Mom comes out of the bathroom dressed for work to see what is going on.
“Call the vet,” Gran yells to Mom. “Cadence, follow me quickly.” Gran moves without panic or fear. She holds herself together as we quickly walk to the barn.
My heart begins to pound out of my chest as I hear Daisy cry out again. Fear fills my soul, and I begin to shake. When we enter the barn, Gran hurries to Daisy. As Gran reaches her, she lets out a horrific moan. I look to Gran for direction, but when I see Paisley, it’s as if my instincts kick in. I know exactly what I need to do. Leading her from the stall and into another one, I yell to Gran.
“Gran, what do I need to do?” I question with a quiver in my voice.
“Stay with Paisley and comfort her. She needs you,” Barrick says and I’ve never been more relieved to hear his voice in all my life. “Ms. Mae what’s going on?” I hear him say as his voice moves away from me.
“Barrick, I have no idea. She’s been fine all week. Cadence came to check on them this morning like she has been and then ran to the house like a hot mess. Let’s try and keep her comfortable until the vet arrives. It has been a long time since I’ve had an issue like this but I’m afraid we’re going to have to put her down.”
“Ms. Mae, you can’t be serious?” he says in a hushed voice and I look at Paisley.
“Paisley, it’s going to be okay. Your mommy isn’t going anywhere.” I say while I pet her head and pray I’m not lying. Neither of them says another word as they try to keep Daisy calm while they wait for the vet.
“Thank God! What in tarnation took you so long?” Gran asks when the vet arrives.
“Sorry, Mae Ellen,” he says but stops his next sentence as he approaches Daisy. After a quick examination, the vet confirms Gran’s suspicions. Daisy has suffered internal injuries from delivery and the bleeding has become severe. My heart begins to break as he starts his next sentence. “Mae Ellen, I hate to say it, but she’s going to have to be put down.” He makes it sound like he’s making a statement about the freaking weather.
No! My heart stops. Oh God, not my poor Daisy! I start to shake my head as I look at Paisley and hug her with all my might. That’s when every emotion I’ve been bottling up inside comes crashing down like a tidal wave on my body. My mind goes to Dad. How he was there, loved me, made me feel that I mattered, and then walked out. The walking out is what caused my world to break into a million pieces. Holding Paisley, I vow not to let her world fall to pieces. I tell her that everything is okay and let the tears fall as Daisy wails in pain again. I want Paisley to know that no matter what, she won’t be alone.
“Paisley, it’s okay. I’m here. I’ll always be here. No matter what, I’m here. I promise on the stars,” I say through the tears. She turns her head into me and I take a deep breath. She knows and I promise I will not let her down. I will not be like my dad. I will not leave her.
Gran comes over and stands in front of me. “Cade, you should probably go up to the house,” Gran says gently.
I shake my head no. “I can’t leave her, Gran. She needs me.”
“She understands, but you don’t need to witness this,” she says as she drops her hand onto my shoulder.
I give Daisy one last look and tell her I love her. Then I walk back to Paisley. “I’ll be back in just a little while. You’ll be okay,” I tell her before I place a light kiss between her ears. Gran takes me under her shoulder and walks me to the house. Barrick stays with Daisy and the vet.
Gran stops as we walk into the house. “Cadence, I’m proud of you.”
“Why?” I ask.
“You took it upon yourself to watch over those two. I know living here hasn’t been your cup of tea, but I appreciate how you’ve grown since you first arrived.”
“I don’t know what it is Gran, but after I watched her being born, I couldn’t stay away. I mean, I don’t want to live on a farm or anything but I get it and I do care,” Gran laughs and I let out a small smile.
“Come on, Cadence. Let’s get you some breakfast,” she says, changing the subject.
Barrick
When I got out of the truck and heard Daisy I knew it wasn’t going to end well, but when I saw the heartbroken look on Cadence’s face all I wanted to do was scoop her into my arms and hold her while she let it all out. Her reaction wasn’t just about the cow. I’m sure some of it had to do with her dad. I just wish she’d open up to me about everything. I love her and I want her to know that if she opens up to me, I won’t leave her like her dad did.
Once Cadence and Ms. Mae are in the house, the vet leaves and I put her down. It’s not something I’ve done on my own before but I know how to do it and I know Cadence needs Ms. Mae more than I do. Once Daisy has passed, I take the tractor and load her into the trailer to be processed before taking her to the butcher. I know it sounds harsh, but it is what it is. That’s how life on a farm works. It’s not always hunky dory, and sometimes you have to put your feelings for the animal aside. If not, we’d never be able to do our jobs. Then again, I love these animals so much, I could never watch them suffer.
It’s a little after lunch when I get back to the farm. I unhitch the trailer then walk to the house to let Ms. Mae know everything is done. When I don’t see Cadence, I assume she went to school until I see her vehicle as I walk down to the barn.
As I begin to slide the barn door open, I hear her soft, sweet voice so I pause and listen for a moment. She’s talking to Paisley. I don’t want to startle her so I clear my throat before I speak. “Cadence?” I call as I open the door all the way.
“Yeah?” I hear her answer from Paisley’s stall.
I get to the stall and look inside. My. Heart. Breaks. She’s sitting there in her dance clothes and galoshes, covered in hay with Paisley’s head in her hands. She’s talking to her like she’s a toddler.
“Paisley, it’s okay. Mommy’s gone to heaven, but you’ll see her again one day. Until then, I’m going to be here. I told you I’d never leave you. Gran wouldn’t let me stay with you.” She glances up at me and gives a small smile while trying to hide her tears.
“Sorry, I just didn’t want to sneak in on you. Y’all looked like y’all were in a pretty deep conversation. How is she?” I say, looking to the calf and taking a step forward.
“She’s okay. I told her everything would be fine,” she says with a slight smile as she wipes her tears away.
Knowing I might kick myself in the ass for asking this, I do it anyway. “Cade, are you okay?” I question, and just like that her demeanor changes. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde. She jumps up and tries to walk past me. “Cadence, are you okay? Please talk to me,” I plead as I take my hands and place them on her shoulders, forcing her to look me in the eyes.
“I’m fine,” she says, but it’s obvious she’s not. “Look, I don’t know why I’m out here. I just didn’t want her to be alone,” she says as the old Cadence comes out. Shit!
I look around and know that that calf isn’t alone. Another heifer will take her under her udder, so to speak, and she will be a happy cow. “She’s not. There’s an entire herd out there,” I say, pointing toward the pasture. “She’ll be a happy cow before you know it,” I add, confidently.
“Oh sure, just send her off into a greener pasture and everything will be alright,” she yells as she pushes her way past me.
Quickly, I turn around and grab her shoulder. “What’s going on, Cadence?”
“Nothing. You don’t get it.” She grits her teeth as tears begin to stream down her face.
“What don’t I get?” I say, trying to hold onto her so she can’t run away this time.
“Everything! You have your perfect life and your perfect family! You don’t have a care in the world. No one dropped you off in hicktown and told you to deal with it. You… Gran… Mom… all told me to embrace being on the farm. How good it would be for me. So I did. I did what you all said and for what? So I could be left again? So that I could see Paisley have to figure it out on her own like I did? Did you know I have an offer to go to school in Boston and a chance to dance with a company? That I wasn’t going to take it because I wanted to be close to the farm and my family? But now, why should I stay? This place makes me crazy and I hate milking cows and I hate the smell of manure and I just hate it all.”
I stand there dumbfounded for a moment before I speak. “Why should you stay? Do you really mean that? Cadence, I love you. I want to make you happy. I want you to know you can trust me and I’ll never leave you but if you really want to go to Boston, I won’t stand in your way.” Tears are streaming down her face as I let go of her and watch her walk away.
Cadence
I walk into the house and as the door slams behind me, the pictures on the wall shake from the impact.
“Cadence? Are you okay?” Gran asks.
“Uhhhhhh! I’m. Just. FINE,” I say as I storm to my room, but then I hear Gran call after me.
“Your dad called a few minutes ago.” Unfuckingbelivable! I’m not calling his ass. Not today. I will not forgive or forget today. I grab my iPod and walk out back. Turning on my music, I take my whirlwind of emotions and mix them with the beat of the music. The sun beats down and makes the April air feel like an oven. Sweat pours from my body, but I don’t care. I just dance until I can’t dance anymore.
Barrick
I am crushed by her words. I know Dad said to make my future decisions for me but I knew the night I saw the shooting star that my life would revolve around Cadence. She had my heart and there was no way I was going to leave her behind. But now, I’m afraid she’s decided to leave me before I could leave her. I know I just need to give her time to calm down and pray that she doesn’t go to Boston.
When I finish up in the barn, I find her dancing on the back porch. Her moves are raw and full of emotion. She looks amazing in her element and I can picture her being a lead in a dance company. As much as I want us to be together, I was honest when I said I wouldn’t stand in her way.
I watch her until she sits in exhaustion on the back steps. Saying a quick prayer and taking a deep breath, I make my way over to her. “May I sit?” She gives me a death stare but scoots over to make room for me on the step.
“Cadence, I need to tell you something. The night Ms. Mae ratted me out, my dad sat me down for a talk. It wasn’t about that, but it was about me getting a good education. He told me about your offer in Boston. He said you and I both had big decisions to make. He wanted me to decide if I wanted to stay here or go to a four-year college and told me to make the decision for me. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, so the night we sat in my truck I said a prayer and just listened for an answer. When I opened my eyes, I saw a shooting star and I thought that was God’s way of telling me I had everything I needed right there with you by my side.” Tears form in her eyes but she doesn’t say anything so I continue. “When I said I love you, Cadence Lewis, I meant it. And my love means I will always be there for you when you need me. It also means I will do anything to support your dreams and if that means letting you go, I will.” I look into her eyes and lean in for a kiss. I kiss her with my whole heart and soul. When we pull apart, she looks stunned. When she still doesn’t say anything, I slowly stand and walk away.