CHAPTER 9

Family

Asking a Potential Spouse for a Prenuptial Agreement

Few documents are as potentially sensitive as a legal and binding prenuptial agreement, which usually sets the ground rules for property division and postmarital payments in the event of a divorce. It is not associated with romance nor is it a popular conversation topic. Many individuals stress over how their potential spouse will react to a request for a prenuptial, worried that it may be viewed as an expectation of divorce or a demonstration of mistrust that could undermine the relationship.

Although advisers may strongly suggest it, a “prenup” is not for everyone. Those pursuing one will face the question of how to raise such a difficult subject without taking the bloom off the marital rose. It is up to legal and financial advisers to suggest approaches and to deal with the legal and financial issues. But it falls to the individual to find the right words with which to proceed.

As with any challenging conversation, managing the discussion requires precise timing and word choice, as well as acute sensitivity to the other party’s feelings. The decision to move forward with a prenup is a very personal one requiring introspection. The wisdom of whether or not to insist on an agreement is beyond the scope of this chapter. It involves a very personal decision.

Scripting can help prepare for the conversation to introduce the topic comfortably and speak to a fiancé or fiancée with confidence. It can help avoid miscommunications and shape the expression of strong reasons for the request. When preparing the message, individuals should keep in mind their partner’s feelings and be respectful of them.

The location of the discussion should be well thought out. The fiancé or fiancée should be informed of the need to discuss something important at a place free from any possible interruptions. Family gatherings, dinner parties, or other communal events are not suitable environments to bring up signing a prenuptial agreement.

It’s best to avoid arriving at the initial meeting with a draft of the document because that conveys closed-mindedness. A person who feels the agreement is a fait accompli may well become defensive. This result would inhibit discussion and could threaten the engagement. Instead, approach the first conversation as a give-and-take on the subject in which both sides have an equal voice.

It can be helpful to begin the discussion by introducing the subject as part of a larger plan. The goals and role of a prenuptial agreement can be useful in relation to other legal planning and choices that a couple will have to work through. If one has accumulated, created, or inherited wealth, discussing the roots of it—and the intended use of the assets—openly can help diminish any mistrust that may arise as a result of the request.

Throughout the conversation, it’s wise to candidly restate the desire to marry. No one wants to hear about the end of the marriage before it has begun.

At the end of the initial delivery, the fiancé or fiancée should be given time to process the information, consider the proposal, and prepare a response of his or her own. And encouraging the person to have his or her own counsel should be communicated before the conversation ends. In the final analysis, reaching an agreement may only be achieved, if at all, after extensive discussions.

After two and a half years of dating, Tommy proposed to Ashley outside the coffee shop where they had first met. The two were deeply in love and excited to spend the rest of their lives together. When Ashley’s parents heard the news, however, they informed their daughter that, unless Tommy signed a prenuptial agreement, she would be cut out of their will. Ashley came from a very wealthy family and her parents wanted to make sure that the future earnings from her share of the family’s wealth would be protected.

Ashley was initially nervous that Tommy might perceive the request as her having doubts and worried he might even break off the engagement. However, having watched a friend go through a messy divorce, she decided that having a prenuptial agreement was a precaution she would pursue. She had seen her friend and the friend’s husband—once loving and supportive of each other—transformed during the divorce. They were each now bitter and ruthless when it came to the other. Knowing the statistical likelihood of divorce, Ashley wanted to be sure that if a divorce were to occur, decisions would be made based on love rather than volatile emotions. She also felt that her share of her family’s wealth warranted protection. Nevertheless, Ashley was still nervous about initiating the conversation.

Therefore, after talking to her personal lawyer, she used the scripting process to ensure that she would confidently deliver the right message. Ashley wrote a draft of her script and then asked her older sister and the sister’s husband, who had signed a prenuptial agreement two years earlier, to act as her devil’s advocates and give her feedback.

Once she felt ready, Ashley e-mailed Tommy and asked if they could switch their dinner date that evening from their favorite restaurant to her apartment. That way, Tommy could react without being inhibited by the setting. At their dinner, Ashley communicated the following message.

Tommy,

Ever since our picnic in Central Park last year, I knew I wanted to marry you. Words cannot express how much I love you and what you have grown to mean to me. And I am so excited about our wedding and life together.

And those feelings should not be obscured by what I want to discuss this evening—the possibility of us signing a prenuptial agreement. This is neither a sign of mistrust nor an expectation of our marriage failing, but is a reasonable way of giving my family a sense of security that the wealth they have built will stay in the family. My folks feel strongly about this and my sister and her husband have found it has not affected their relationship.

In addition, planning this is also an effective way to review our future goals and financial objectives, as well as to discuss our expectations of each other once we are married.

Do you have any questions? [Give Tommy time to respond.]

Please take all the time you need to reflect on what I said. And certainly talk to your lawyer as we will each need our own lawyer to help us with this. And don’t forget, my love for you is no way impacted by wanting a prenuptial agreement. I want to marry you now as much as ever.

After hearing her out, Tommy said little. Rather than arguing or asking questions, he switched to other subjects. When Ashley tried to engage him on the subject the next day, he said he needed some time to think about it. Subsequently, Ashley received an e-mail from Tommy in which he stated that—while he truly believed Ashley and could understand her parents’ perspective—he was not willing to go into a marriage with an agreement that focused on filling a need should it end. He also stated: “Maybe it’s best that we postpone the wedding. I hope you understand my feelings.”

Several weeks and discussions later, Ashley and Tommy decided to go forward with the wedding without a prenuptial agreement. Although their relationship suffered some temporary strain from the discussion, their love remained strong. And when the wedding did occur, Ashley’s parents were in attendance. Her father told her he would “wait and see” how things went between Ashley and Tommy before taking any action regarding Ashley’s inheritance. So although the scripting process did not achieve getting the prenuptial agreement done, it did allow for an exchange of views without destroying the relationship. Scripts aren’t panaceas, but in some cases they still can stem the tide of destructive emotions.

Keep in Mind:

• Conduct the conversation in a private setting to permit a free flow of ideas or at least not inhibit emotions.

• Do not present a document at the first meeting. The conversation should be approached as a give-and-take between equals.

• Reaffirm your love and desire to marry as a part of the conversation—it’s not about a lack of faith in the relationship, but rather a pragmatic planning step supported by experience.

• Give your partner time to digest and get his or her own counsel.

• You may not succeed and will then have to decide whether or not having an agreement is worth the risk of losing the marriage.

Talking to Your Kids about Sex

In the best cases, parents and children enjoy an open flow of discussion on a wide array of topics. While some topics may easily come up in casual conversation, there are a few subjects—especially those relating to sex—that are too complicated or weighty to emerge in the daily back-and-forth. Often, a vague response can satisfy a young child’s prying questions, but later comes the need for detail and clarity, and possibly even a discussion about pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. In this section we focus on that first conversation in the preteen or early teen years.

Discussing sex should be viewed as an ongoing conversation rather than a onetime lecture in which the parent is talking to—but not actually with—the child. Parents and teenagers may find the topic easier to discuss while engaged in other activities, such as cooking, eating, or driving. Although it can be tempting for parents to immediately make judgmental statements about sex-related issues, this should not be communicated in the first conversation. The goal of this message is to open the lines for future communications. This will not happen if the child fears being judged or senses closed-mindedness from the parent. There are moments in day-to-day life in which sex discussions may occur naturally. For example, if a song with sexually graphic lyrics comes on the radio, a parent could ask, “Do you know what [these specific lyrics] mean? I’m surprised this singer would say this about herself.” Asking questions like this allows parents to transition into conversations about sex that don’t feel forced.

The scripting process will assist the parent in sharing the best message by laying out thoughts, making revisions, and practicing in advance. And it will help build the parents’ comfort level with what will be said on the subject.

It’s important not to be discouraged if the child attempts to shut down the conversation. A parent can prepare for this reaction by having responses at hand to calm the teenager down and resume an open dialogue. To a dismissive “hmm” or rolling of the eyes, a parent could say, “I’m not asking you to share anything private, just to listen with an open mind and know I’m here to answer any future questions.”

Kids should be given an opportunity to share what they have been told by others. This step can provide parents with a distinct platform for the talk and a chance to clear up any inaccurate information. In order to create a comfortable setting, parents should avoid disputing their child’s opinions, making demands, or assuming the child craves guidance. Some statements are immediate conversation stoppers. These include “You’re too young to understand,” “I don’t care what your friends are doing, these are my rules,” and “Are you asking me that because you are planning to do it?”

A game plan in a two-parent home might be for one parent to write the initial draft of the script and the other to be the devil’s advocate. Grandparents, friends, or other family members familiar with this situation can act as devil’s advocates for single parents. Parents can then smoothly transition into sharing with their daughters or sons what they want them to know, while demonstrating an understanding of what their kids are experiencing and the environment they live in.

Last fall, my friend Kelly’s daughter, Megan, was starting the fifth grade. Kelly was anxious about having “the sex talk” with Megan and was unsure if it was even the right time. Kelly’s nerves were on edge because she did not know, especially with modern media’s aggressive portrayal of sex, what information her daughter already had about sex. It was important for Kelly not only to educate her daughter, but to create an environment where Megan felt comfortable being honest.

After Kelly received an e-mail from Megan’s school informing her that a sex education speaker would be visiting Megan’s class that semester, Kelly decided the time had come to start conversations about sex. She remembered her own confusion and fear as a young girl when she first heard about sex from a stranger rather than her parents.

Kelly was familiar with my scripting process and decided to draft what she wanted to say and then have her husband, Mark, read it over. Kelly’s first draft was filled with long explanations about the dangers of sex, including stories involving sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, and the psychological effects of having sex too young. This flood of information would likely have not only terrified Megan, but confused her; and it missed the purpose. This first conversation needed to aim to open the door for future talks. Mark reorganized and simplified Kelly’s script. Using Mark’s edits, she changed her script into a straightforward message intended to make Megan comfortable discussing sex-related topics with her mother.

Megan,

I received an e-mail from your teacher that a woman will be coming to your class soon to discuss sex. I know this can be an uncomfortable subject to talk about. I myself feel awkward talking about a few of the topics sometimes, but it’s still important that we do so to help you get good information and avoid misunderstandings. I wish that I could have talked with my mom about sex—then maybe I wouldn’t have been so confused about it as long as I was. And I know that in the world you are growing up in, the information and ideas you get from TV, the Internet, and friends is much more than I ever had and can make things even more confusing.

Do you have any questions or are you confused about anything you’ve heard from friends or television? [Listen to her talk and then answer those questions without bias. If you are unsure how to answer, tell her you will do some checking on that point and will follow up within the next few days.]

I know you’re only ten and hopefully there are topics we will not need to discuss until later on, but I want you to know now my feelings on certain things. It is my opinion as your mom that you should not engage in a physical relationship until you are both in a committed relationship and have emotionally matured. Does this make sense to you? [Allow her to respond.] When the time comes that you disagree, don’t understand, or think my thoughts don’t make sense, I want you to let me know and feel free to discuss it with me. I’m willing to keep an open mind if you are. Does this sound like a good idea to you? [Allow her to respond.]

Please know that you can approach me free of judgment with any questions or concerns you have about sex.

Do you have any other questions or concerns for me? I hope this will be the first of many conversations to come. And please remember that I am trying to help you understand some very sensitive ideas and not just force my views on you. I love you.

Although Megan seemed tense at the beginning of the conversation, by the end she was comfortably talking to her mother about her perceptions and concerns. Kelly was relieved that her daughter now knew she was available to discuss these issues and was not afraid to do so. And as time passed, their conversations about sex continued.

Keep in Mind:

• Have the conversation in a safe, comfortable environment without distractions.

• Asking children to share what they have been previously told on the subject can provide parents with a distinct starting point and a chance to clear up any inaccurate information.

• Parents should demonstrate an understanding of what their kids are experiencing and the environment in which they live without presuming they are identical to their children. Their experiences are their own; they are maturing in a different generation.

• Have responses prepared for different reactions and possible questions.

• Leave the conversation with the child feeling that the discussion will be ongoing—and that he or she shouldn’t hesitate to come with additional questions or concerns that may arise.

Talking to Your Kids about a National Tragedy

National tragedies—such as 9/11, the December 2012 Connecticut school shootings, or other horrific events—affect us all. These are emotional times for the country and present an array of complicated feelings for citizens. There is inevitably sadness, anger at the perpetrators, and, eventually, a transition back to our routines.

The immediate aftermath can be a vexing time for the parents of young children. With the media’s ceaseless coverage—as well as anticipated chatter at school—parents can’t help but ask themselves questions about their children. What have they heard? How much, if anything, should I tell them?

The goal here, of course, is to do what’s best for the child. There may be a temptation for parents or other adults to say too much. A guideline is to let the children themselves provide the cues. In their own way, kids will often let you know what they’re ready to hear.

Consider a child who believes in Santa Claus. At some point, most children will begin to ask questions about whether Santa Claus exists. Their curiosity—and reaction to adults’ responses to their questions—provides signals about the children’s mind-set and how far they are able to proceed.

After mass murders or other tragedies, parents should resist providing too much information, too soon. KJ Dell’Antonia, who authors a family blog for the New York Times, wrote after the Connecticut school tragedy:

“As a parent, you’re left with the question not just of how to talk to your child about tragedy, but of whether you’re talking to your child for your child—or for yourself. There’s the question of what to say, but also when, and if, you should say it.”

The days following such events are times to monitor children even more closely than normal. Parents or other adults should limit kids’ exposure to media covering the events, particularly if there is no grown-up available to discuss what is unfolding.

Kids are often adept at picking up on their parents’ moods and may sense that something is amiss. Children may ask their parents whether something is wrong. That’s the time to provide reassurance.

Most kids know there is evil in the world. What they need to hear is that most people are not evil, and that their own environments—their schools and homes—are safe and that grown-ups are looking after them.

In December 2012, the National Association of School Psychologists provided tips on its website for helping children cope following the shootings in Newtown, Connecticut.

• Provide a developmentally appropriate, clear, and straightforward explanation of the event.

• Return to normalcy and routine to the best extent possible while maintaining flexibility.

• Let children know it’s okay to feel upset or angry.

• Be a good listener and observer.

• Provide various ways for children to express emotion, either through journaling, writing letters, talking, making a collage, or music.

• Focus on resiliency as well as the compassion of others.

Such tips are useful in a broad sense. But since every child is different, every conversation children have with their parents or other caretakers will be different, too.

That’s where scripting can help. Writing out talking points and contingencies can help ensure you have the right words at the right time for your child.

Zachary, a second-grader, was at his Virginia school when the news broke that a gunman had killed twenty children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut.

Zachary’s school—like many around the country—tightened security procedures. But the school made the decision not to make any announcements or have any meetings about the Connecticut shootings. It left the decision on informing kids (or not informing them) to parents, although it said counselors and school psychologists would be available, if needed.

When Zachary got off the school bus that afternoon, his mother watched him closely. He skipped and danced around and chatted with a friend as he walked home. Nothing appeared different, and it seemed likely to his mother that he had not heard anything about the tragedy.

A day passed with no mention in Zachary’s family of the shooting. But two nights after the shooting, Zachary noticed his mother sitting on the couch crying. She had been watching television coverage of the planned funerals and had been overcome with grief.

Zachary asked his mother what was wrong. She smiled through her tears and said something sad had occurred—she made it immediately clear nothing had happened to their own family. She then called her husband downstairs so they could talk together to their son.

Fortunately, Zachary’s mother was a born scripter. She had anticipated this conversation might occur and had jotted down some notes and rehearsed some dialogue, albeit only in her head.

Zachary, somebody harmed some teachers and kids at a school in the state of Connecticut.

We want you to know you are okay. Your school does a lot to keep kids safe. Mommy and Daddy would not send you anyplace we thought was unsafe.

You might hear about this from friends or on television. If you do, we’d like you to talk over what you hear with us to make sure it’s true. We want you to get the best information.

It’s always sad when people get hurt. That’s why Mommy was crying. But we’re fine. We’ll just give each other extra hugs.

Do you have any questions?

Zachary did have a question. It was perhaps the toughest question of all: “Why would somebody hurt children?”

His parents had prepared the best answer they knew:

We don’t know; something was wrong with him. The grown-ups that you know—our close friends and family—love you and would never do something bad to a child.

Keep in Mind:

• Be truthful, but resist the temptation to say too much too soon.

• Listen for cues from your children as to what they are developmentally ready to hear and when they are ready to hear it.

• Reassure children that adults in their schools and homes are taking measures to keep them safe.

• Explain that’s it’s okay for parents to be sad, and that their grief is natural and not something to worry about.

Nudging an Adult Child Out of the House

Parenthood blesses many with the joys and challenges of watching children grow. Special moments—the first steps, riding a bicycle for the first time, the first day of school, holiday meals together, meeting a prom date—occur at home and become inseparable from the location itself. Even as children grow into adulthood, some may continue to live in their parents’ house, particularly in a struggling economy. Most parents who can afford it jump at the opportunity to offer such support for their now-grown children. But there comes a time when the parents logically conclude that it will be in everyone’s best interest that the children move out. Getting a young adult to find a place of his or her own, however, can be difficult to execute, particularly if expectations have not been managed.

The important thing to remember is that moving out can be a positive step. A move may enhance your son’s or daughter’s independence while reducing the parents’ economic and psychological pressures. So asking the grown child to move out should not be a rash decision, but should be built upon a clear understanding that it is the right time. Perhaps some old Ann Landers advice will help raise the parents’ confidence: “In the final analysis it is not what you do for your children, but what you have taught them to do for themselves that will make them successful human beings.” Fears of upsetting the child have to be set aside and can be mitigated by the clearly expressed hope of leading them to a more independent life.

The discussion might begin with an expression of how blessed the parents feel to have shared the house to this point. That may be followed by an honest statement about why the young adult needs to find a place of his or her own. The reasons should be clearly stated—that the goal is for the child to achieve independence while the parents reclaim their home. If there is to be a transition period (one to two months, for example), the conditions should be communicated: paying rent or doing one’s own laundry may come into play here. A move-out gift may also be suggested—perhaps a relocation payment if the parents have the means. A firm decision does not have to preclude willingness to help with the move—assisting with apartment hunting and helping sort out options.

One morning, while brewing a cup of coffee, Nancy, an intern in my office, told me a story from her past weekend. Nancy had spent her Sunday afternoon helping her friend Samantha frame and hang pictures in her new apartment. Nancy found their day together to be especially enjoyable because Samantha was finally becoming independent from her family and, although she was at first resentful of her parents’ move-out demands, was now easing into her new living condition.

After college, Samantha took a marketing job at low pay within three months of graduation. Recognizing that her income would not support her even at a minimal level, she accepted her parents’ invitation to move back home and use the opportunity to save money. She was not always happy about parental restrictions on her comings and goings. And her parents would occasionally lament the loss of space they had gained while she was away at school. But, overall, the living arrangement seemed to suffice for over a year.

During that period, Samantha received several raises and began to earn a “living wage.” At one point, her parents talked to her about charging a nominal rent, but they did not follow through. Eventually her parents felt that the time had come to reclaim their privacy and that Samantha should be focusing not only on her professional development but on building her personal independence. The topic was initially broached during a family meal in the beginning of November that was also attended by Samantha’s two older brothers—one married and the other living two states away. Then, after Thanksgiving dinner, her parents informed Samantha that by the first of the new year they wanted her moved out.

Prior to the discussion, her mother had scratched out some thoughts on a pad on what she wanted to say to Samantha. Her mother shared those notes with her dad. After he made revisions, she felt comfortable in communicating the following post–Thanksgiving dinner message to her daughter.

Your father and I were really pleased when you told us how well your job is going and that your good work has been recognized with nice raises. We hope that you living here over the past year or so has helped you get on your feet financially and allowed you to focus on your job rather than worry about how you were going to support yourself. [Ask: “What do you think about the time you have spent here since college?]

[Assuming the answer recognizes the benefits of having lived at home.] Your dad and I now feel that this is the perfect time for you to begin making plans to move out and into your own space. We suggest that you find an apartment and plan to move out after the holidays—the first of the year should work well for all of us.

I am happy to help you go apartment hunting. We have also decided that as a contribution to your launching yourself on the road to an independent life, we would like to help you buy a couch and a bed for your new apartment as well as give you a gift of paying for the first month’s rent.

We’ll miss seeing you on a regular basis, but just as your dad and I need some more time together, we know that you will benefit from building a life of your own away from this home. Do you have any questions? [Circle back and reiterate that Samantha is expected to be in her new apartment by the first of the new year.]

Initially, Samantha was not happy with the request. She felt somewhat betrayed by her parents as she ate her first meal in the new apartment on January 5. Nevertheless, after getting advice from her older brothers and using Nancy as a support system, Samantha retreated from her anger and recognized that she was fortunate to have lived the last fifteen months at home while her income grew sufficiently to afford her own place. Her parents’ gesture of furniture and a month’s rent was a warm gift that allowed her to ease into independence.

Keep in Mind:

• Give suggestions that will help transition your child into his or her own place.

• Begin the dialogue in an appreciative tone. Tell your child how much you love him or her and how proud you are of him or her.

• Be direct about why your child needs to move out—covering both personal and monetary reasons.

• Allow your child to push back and respond so his or her opinions are also expressed.

• Communicate that if your child intends to stay for any additional agreed-upon period, he or she must pay rent and respect your rules.

Managing a Budget between Spouses

Sound marital relationships are filled with more highs than lows. But regardless of a relationship’s strength, differences of opinion are likely to occur over how the two spend their money. Personality, upbringing, values, and expectations all can affect approaches to spending. The hope is always that a couple will collaborate in creating and enforcing budgets. Yet few marriages are free from one spouse seeking to convince another that a particular purchase is improvident.

Nobody likes to feel their spending is being limited inappropriately. When views on potential expenditures clash, emotional confrontations are likely to ensue. The partner being restrained may feel threatened or insulted and go into a reactive mode. If a couple continuously engages in such confrontations, there may be a divorce in their future—it has been reported that 32.9 percent of failed marriages are caused by financial problems. When addressing a proposed expenditure, it may be best to ask a few questions and listen rather than stating a hasty “no way.” This will give time to put the scripting process into play and also provide a cooling-off period.

The scripting process provides a medium for a thoughtful, sensitive analysis that can lead to a constructive solution. When putting thoughts together, one party should not simply dismiss the other’s idea or criticize his or her impulsive intent. Instead, the person should express a desire to work together as a team to find a mutually acceptable solution. It works better to show that the expenditure has been given consideration and suggest alternative ways to accomplish the original goal with a reduced spending plan.

Charlie has been married to Ann for thirty-five years. There is no doubt in the minds of those who know them that their love and affection for each other are genuine. Since the day they met thirty-seven years ago, the two have supported each other through personal and professional challenges and shared a multitude of happy memories. Although their lives are not stress free—they disagree on politics and certain philosophical issues—Charlie and Ann share life experiences in ways many others wish they could.

But even Charlie and Ann are not immune from differences of opinion over spending. One evening, they joined me and my wife for dinner and shared a story with us. They can joke about it now. But when Ann first approached Charlie to excitedly tell him about a project she wanted to undertake, he did not consider it a laughing matter. Ann wanted to build a unique playhouse on their property for their increasing number—seven at the time—of grandchildren. She projected that the project would be easily completed since it would only require a toilet and sink—but no other significant utilities. She intended to design the house herself and work with moonlight laborers to keep expenses down.

Knowing his wife and her perfectionist nature, Charlie knew that although she may have set a $5,000 budget, the final cost of the project could be at least 50 percent greater. Charlie was in a transitional stage of his career and was uncertain about his income’s stability over the next year. He was concerned about having enough cash to support the venture. The challenge for Charlie then became what to say to his wife and how to say it. The objective of building the playhouse was so firmly set in her mind that merely denying the funds would either be ignored or trigger a spousal battle.

Charlie first scribbled some thoughts, revised them, and weighed Ann’s feelings as well as his own concerns. He then considered approaching Ann with his carefully scripted message. But Charlie decided that addressing the subject face-to-face might cause Ann to react negatively before he finished speaking. That could set the couple off into counterreactions because the topic was emotionally charged. Instead, Charlie sat down at a computer and typed the message to her. It was common for him to e-mail Ann—particularly when he was at work.

In his e-mail, Charlie made the choice not to simply tell Ann, “You can’t build the playhouse.” Instead, he raised questions about its feasibility and its impact on their budget in light of his income limitations. He was sharing his uneasiness as a partner rather than a financial dictator, and he meant every word he wrote to her.

Love,

I support the playhouse idea and look forward to seeing some pictures. There are, however, two considerations that I do not want to lose sight of: 1) My income this year is dropping 60% and therefore the expenditure might be better made next year—this year the kitchen renovation has put us close to our budget limit; and 2) I do want to check the restrictive covenants of the homeowners’ association to make sure we do not violate the “no new structures” limitation.

I assume that the structure can be built without the need for electrical power and that it will not need a foundation, but let me know if I am wrong. Those factors could be important in analyzing the applicability of the homeowners’ covenants.

I love you and admire your unbelievable creativity. I want to work with you on a plan that works both financially and legally. Thanks for making my life beautiful.

After reading his e-mail, Ann smiled. She was pleased that Charlie had appreciated and taken a real interest in building a playhouse. In return, she took time to reflect on the two points Charlie had made and do further research on the idea.

Ann looked into a few different models and discovered that designing her own playhouse would be significantly more expensive than she had originally speculated. She also recalled that the homeowners’ association had a history of denying any construction, like her planned playhouse, that could be seen from the road. In addition, Ann had not taken into account the work that had gone into their kitchen’s recent makeover. Although she was satisfied with the end result, the process had been overwhelming at times and she was not inclined to throw herself into another large project so soon. Instead, Ann and Charlie bought a two-seated swing to hang from a large oak tree in the backyard that their grandchildren enjoyed, even in the absence of a playhouse.

Keep in Mind:

• Don’t immediately offer a negative reply. Ask questions and allow time for a cooling-off period.

• Instead of dismissing the proposal out of hand, assess its merits while asking questions that show an appreciation for the idea but also the need for cost constraint.

• Note any impractical aspects of the project.

• Remember that suggestions of alternative, but less expensive, approaches can lead to a satisfactory compromise.

• Reaffirm that you admire your partner’s accomplishments and intentions.

Telling Your Kids You Are Getting Divorced

Going through a divorce, however amicable, can fill a couple’s life with stress and challenges. This is especially true when children are involved.

Divorcing parents may feel a wide range of emotions. These should be expressed to professionals, friends, and family members rather than vented to children. Research has revealed that divorce, managed poorly, can leave a lasting impression on children and cause them to carry scars into their future relationships. It is best to keep this in mind while you handle the delicate situation of informing your children.

Communicating to children a separation or divorce decision will never be easy, even when you seek out and follow expert advice. Nevertheless, if parents plan what they will say prior to the meeting, they may be able to lessen the adverse impact by reducing potential misunderstandings and keeping themselves from making statements they may later regret. Scripting answers to possible questions and preparing restrained responses to any signs of each other’s anger or hurt could reduce the emotional damage to children when they first hear the upsetting news.

When approaching this conversation, parents should consider several cautionary paths. Do not break the news of the divorce if one (or both) of the spouses is so distraught that he or she cannot contain volatile feelings. If possible, wait for both parties’ outward emotions to cool before approaching the subject. Regardless of any anger either partner feels, or the validity of these feelings, each must refrain from blaming the other parent or venting about his or her faults. Because of the strong bond that children generally share with both parents, this type of blame or venting will only confuse children and leave them unsure of how to process it.

And leave time for the children to ask questions. It is likely that children will ask why the divorce is occurring. Initially, parents can prepare for this by crafting a response using “we” in their explanation to emphasize the decision is mutual. Planning a message that neither places blame nor dwells on many details may help provide children with a reasonable explanation without feeling they are being put in the middle.

If possible, parents should give the news together so the children only hear one shared story. Parents might try to establish what their children already know about divorce and the state of their marriage so they can construct the communication in a manner the children will understand. Deliver the message clearly that, in the long run, this is the best decision for the family. Keep the conversation simple to avoid confusion, and explain the plan of action. This may provide a sense of stability despite the drastic life alteration. Offering clarity as to when the official separation will take place, who is moving out, when the children will see that parent, where they will live, and any other details of their current life that may be affected by the decision may alleviate concerns, expressed or not, of the children.

In addition, it’s critical to emphasize to children that the divorce is not their fault and although the parents may no longer be in love, it has no effect on the love they feel toward their children. Inform them that the divorce is not the result of their actions, such as failing to complete chores, and therefore, a change in the children’s behavior will not mend the marriage.

Sharron and Kyle, former neighbors of mine, had been married for fourteen years and blessed with two children, Megan and Gus, ages twelve and eight. Although for the first ten years of their marriage they were apparently happy, the last four years had been a struggle. After Kyle got laid off from work, they found themselves continuously arguing over financial matters. In addition, each was growing increasingly frustrated with the habits of the other—Sharron became less interested in spending time with Kyle, and Kyle frequently chose to attend functions with friends rather than spend time with his family.

After four months of counseling, the two finally came to the conclusion that the flame of their love had burned out. Nevertheless, they decided to try to stay together “for the children.” This decision, however, only compounded tensions—hardly a day passed without an argument breaking out, sometimes even in front of the children. It became clear they would not be able to make the marriage work in a manner that would provide their children with a loving and nurturing environment and themselves with personal happiness.

After talking with a counselor and with good friends who had experienced a similar communication challenge after a decision to divorce, Sharron and Kyle sat down one afternoon while the children were at school to discuss what they would say. They then wrote a draft of what they planned to tell Megan and Gus. Although they struggled over the text, both agreed upon a script that would both inform their children of the decision as well as seek to reassure them that there was a stable plan for the children’s future and that they were still greatly loved.

On Saturday afternoon, after Megan came home from Girl Scouts and Gus from his junior league soccer game, they all sat down in the living room together. Sharron and Kyle took turns delivering the following message.

Kids,

We have something important to tell you that will not be easy to say. Although Mom and Dad used to love each other, for the past year or so we have not been happy together. As you may have noticed, we have been arguing a lot and not working as a team. We talked to a counselor and have tried to make it work, but now we have decided that it is in our family’s best interest that we get a divorce. Do you know what this means? [Give them time to respond.]

Our divorce is not anyone’s fault. Please do not blame yourselves or think there is something you can do differently to change our decision. In life, relationships, even between a married couple, sometimes stop working and a change needs to be made to avoid more unhappiness. We still love you two just the same. Nothing will ever change that.

In two weeks Dad will be moving into an apartment several miles from here. We have decided that it is best that you two will still live here and see Dad every weekend and for dinner at least twice a week. Everything else will remain the same. [Do you guys have any questions?]

We’re so sorry to have to put you through this, but we ultimately believe it is in everyone’s best interest. Please come talk to us about any questions, concerns, or thoughts about this whenever you want. We love both of you so much.

Although Megan and Gus were at first startled and Megan began to cry, after their parents reassured them that they would not be giving up a parent and that the divorce would not dislocate them from their home or schools, they began to calm down. And as time passed, they felt comfortable enough to approach their parents to talk further about the divorce. Sharron and Kyle’s honesty about the situation and the children’s future as well as their mutual explanation made a hitherto unthinkable situation bearable.

Keep in Mind:

• When delivering the message, parents should be clear that this is the final decision and that there is a plan about how exactly the children’s life will be altered and affected.

• Remind the children that the divorce is not their fault and that they are still loved by both parents.

• Avoid making accusations or blaming the other parent.

• If possible, parents should deliver the message together and during a time when the children will be free to ask questions or express concerns without rushing off to some activity or appointment.

Settling Family Inheritance Squabbles

Few sorts of disagreements test a family more than an inheritance dispute. It’s not just the value of the inheritance itself that can turn families against themselves. There is often emotional weight attached to the object of the dispute.

It may be a piece of land that holds fond memories or a family heirloom with a complicated history. Often the skirmish over the property becomes complicated by old family rivalries or jealousies. The goal here is not only to settle the issue fairly, but to mitigate hurt feelings.

Scripting can set the stage for an exchange that minimizes squabbling while helping you get what you believe you deserve. The first step is to clearly stake out your claim through a draft script and test the impact of it on someone willing to be a tough devil’s advocate. After getting input and adjusting the message, practicing your delivery will help you stay on point and keep the right tone, no matter the other party’s reaction.

Recognizing that your relative’s claim has some merit—and being a good listener—may lower the emotional flame and make it possible to maintain a relationship when the exchange is over.

If you are confident in your position, how you “close” will be the ultimate test of the impact of your claim. And it might help avoid what could become a divided family and costly litigation.

For years, Rachel’s father and stepmother had lived in a large colonial home in Rhode Island. Rachel was in her forties and was a public relations executive in Washington, DC. She had children of her own.

The Rhode Island house had become a museum of sorts, filled with antique desks, tables, and artwork. Rachel had grown up surrounded by much of the old furniture before her parents’ divorce and was familiar with it.

On a particular visit, her father asked if she liked a particular antique coffee table. He had grown fond of the table and said that he wanted her to have it after he died.

But here was the complication: before the table had arrived at Rachel’s father’s house years before, and become adopted by him, it had been part of her stepmother’s family.

When her father died after a long illness, her stepmother decided it was time to move into assisted living. She then began the task of parceling out the furniture she could not take with her. She assigned the table to Rachel, who rented a moving van and transported it to her home.

Some months later, Rachel got an e-mail from one of her stepbrothers. His message said politely that the coffee table had been associated with his family and his upbringing. He asked if he could have it shipped to his home in Colorado.

Rachel knew she faced a delicate encounter. Her stepbrother was too far away to meet with in person, and e-mail seemed too impersonal. So she prepared to speak to him on the phone and explain why she was not granting his request.

After talking with her husband—her devil’s advocate—she wrote out “talking points” in what amounted to a rough script of what she needed to say to her stepbrother. Her script, which she could consult as she spoke on the phone, was intended not to be read verbatim, but merely to keep her focused. If the conversation went badly, she was prepared to end it and try again on another day.

I need to express my sadness. It’s a difficult time for both of us. I lost a parent and you are worried about how your mother will cope in assisted living. We need to keep our eyes on the big picture.

[Possible questions: How do you feel about all of this? Is there anything special that your mother needs that we may not be aware of?]

I also want to address the coffee table situation. I know the coffee table was part of your history. But it’s part of my history, too, through my father and his wishes. Like the family itself, the table has a blended history.

And both my dad and your mom wanted me to have it.

It probably would have been best if we had discussed the table beforehand. But our folks made a decision and it is in our home now.

[“So can we move forward on that basis?” If negative, repeat prior position.]

With the aid of the script, the conversation was short and remained on point. Although he initially pushed back on Rachel’s request, her stepbrother ceased staking his claim. The coffee table remained in Rachel’s home. The ending wasn’t perfect—she sometimes found herself wondering if there was a solution that could have been more accommodating to her stepbrother. But the immediate matter had been put to rest without enmity, and she felt as if her stepbrother better understood her attachment to the table.

Keep in Mind:

• You can’t script emotions. But developing a script can keep you on topic in emotionally charged moments.

• Remember that inheritance disputes come at difficult times. Sharing feelings of grief can help defuse tense situations.

• Keep the matter in perspective by remembering “the big picture.” Acknowledge your relative’s point of view.

• As you close, unambiguously stake your claim.

• Be prepared to end the conversation and resume another day. Sometimes people need time to reflect before doing the right thing.

Taking the Car Keys Away from an Elderly Loved One

Driving a car has become one of life’s necessities, but the privilege presumes that you can drive without endangering others. Elderly drivers may not satisfy that safety condition. Vivid examples of the perils of driving at an advanced age fill the airwaves. Particularly tragic is the story of George Weller, age eighty-nine, who in the summer of 2006 drove his car into a Santa Monica open-air farmers’ market, killing ten and injuring over seventy. Weller, in his advanced age, panicked as he approached the market and confused the accelerator with the brake pedal. He collided at over sixty miles per hour with the market’s customers and employees. Weller’s vehicle went almost three hundred yards before crashing into a ditch. While Weller’s terrible accident may be extreme in the numbers killed and injured, accidents harming others do occur with some frequency because of elderly drivers.

Drivers over eighty are more likely than others to become a fatality in traffic collisions. Old age is often accompanied by a decrease in motor skills, thought processing, and memory.

The risks are many—losing control at high speeds, making sudden stops and lane changes, pressing the wrong pedals, and steering erratically—and all create the potential for accidents. The issue then arises: how to persuade longtime drivers to hand over their keys.

Few want to give up driving and the accompanying sense of independence and mobility. Countless daily activities—visiting friends, eating at restaurants, shopping at the mall, going to the movies—require transportation. While public transportation is often an option, there is a convenience attached to driving yourself. While surrendering the keys might be a matter of basic logic and safety, the elderly driver may view it as a loss of dignity and the end of the self-sufficient life they once knew. Surrendering the right to drive is especially tough for seniors who may also be coping with the mounting loss of friends and loved ones.

The message can be difficult to deliver. But it’s easier to hear it from someone the driver knows cares about him or her—rather than the courts or the state agency overseeing motor vehicle licensing or, worst of all, as the result of a terrible accident. Taking the keys away from a parent or elderly loved one may solidify the swap of family positions—the child transitions to caretaker, and the parent becomes the one being cared for. Telling a respected adult that he or she has become inept at what was once a simple task may be another embarrassing reminder of one’s progression into unrecoverable dependence.

A carefully thought-out and scripted message may lessen the tension and increase the likelihood of a positive result. You will want to convey that you understand what this sacrifice means—not just harp on the potential dangers of continued driving. Providing examples of the potential and actual dangers—after first showing compassion and sensitivity—may help you to make the case.

Chances are that the person may be aware of the change in his or her driving ability, but is afraid to publicly acknowledge it. Responses like “I need to go to the pharmacy every week” or “How else will I make it to my book club?” are not uncommon as last-ditch efforts to demonstrate a need for independent transportation. Suggesting alternatives may help. Options such as creating a carpool schedule or using a driving service may lessen the fear of giving up the car. If all else fails, you can raise the possibility of completing an unsafe-driver report with the state department of motor vehicles. That may be the inevitable close to the conversation.

Teresa, a fellow faculty member when I taught at a law school in the 1980s, sat in her living room chair mulling over a dilemma involving her father. When she’d arrived home from the office that afternoon, Teresa had listened to a voice mail from her mother explaining that her father was “fine,” but she wanted Teresa to know that that morning he’d nearly totaled his car in an accident. Her mother continued: “I’m really afraid that although this most recent accident did not hurt anyone, sooner or later his erratic driving is going to cause some real harm to himself and others.”

Teresa knew that her eighty-four-year-old father had reached the point where he needed to stop driving, but she was unsure how to approach the topic with him. Her father, always wanting to be in control, was not one to relinquish his keys easily and depend on other means of transportation. He had been a powerful CEO and, although he had been retired for the last fourteen years, a sense of autonomy was still a major part of his makeup. Her mother would not be of much help because she had a history of not confronting her husband.

The day following her father’s crash, Teresa went online and read various web pages relating to driving and age. The one she found to be the most helpful was at the site Caring.com (www .caring.com/older-drivers), which had numerous articles covering a range of situations centered on discussing driving with elders. After researching, reflecting, and talking with her mother, Teresa practiced and delivered the message to her father.

Dad,

You are a very independent person and I’ve always admired you for it. I know that driving means a lot to you. To this day I still remember stories you told me about your first car. I’ve been wondering, however: how has driving been for you lately? [Allow him to respond and talk about his driving.]

I asked you this because some of my friends’ parents have been in car accidents lately—one of which tragically resulted in a father’s death. This, along with your recent accident and changes I’ve noticed with your driving, deeply worries me that an accident harming—possibly killing—you or someone else may occur. Research shows that older drivers are significantly more likely to seriously injure or kill themselves and others. [If he begins to push back, provide him with solid examples of changes with his driving such as, “You have a harder time turning your head than you used to” or “You braked suddenly at stop signs three times the last time we drove.”]

The family and I want you to hand over your car keys and promise to refrain from operating any vehicles in the future. I understand that this is not an easy thing to do. However, safety must come first. Giving up driving doesn’t mean you’ll be stuck in the house. The public transportation system has improved over the last decade and there are many affordable driving services. I’m also here to provide you and Mom with any rides to the best of my ability.

I could not have asked for better parents than you and Mom. You took such great care of me while I lived in this house and I worry that I will be unable to return the favor to the same extent if you continue to use the car. [If he still refuses to stop driving, be prepared to deliver the bottom line of intending to seek the state’s assistance to officially remove him from his car.]

As she delivered the message, Teresa’s father, Harry, stared directly at her and was silent for what felt like an eternity but, in reality, was only thirty seconds. Harry finally responded by saying, “What do you think we can get for the car?” He then reached in his pocket, pulled out his keys, and offered them to her. Not every situation is so quickly resolved, but following Teresa’s example of carefully preparing and scripting a message will raise the likelihood of moving the elderly driver from behind the wheel to the passenger seat.

Keep in Mind:

• Approach the conversation compassionately and convey an understanding of what this sacrifice means.

• Provide examples of hazardous driving and reminders of potential dangers.

• Allow the driver to explain how he or she views his or her own driving and probe objections to discover why the driver needs the car. Explore alternatives to being behind the wheel.

• If the driver refuses to hand over the keys, be prepared as a last resort to deliver a firm statement of your intention to seek official means to end the continued driving.