Sharing the rent of a home or apartment—with a friend or a stranger—has emerged in challenging economic times as a popular way to manage higher living costs and reduced incomes. Having a roommate may do more than reduce the burden of the monthly obligation to a landlord; it may also offer companionship to fill lonely moments. At best, the relationship clicks and, except for a spat or two along the way, continues without major incidents. But substantial changes in one’s personal life or unpleasant experiences due to a poor choice in a rent partner may necessitate asking the roommate to move on, assuming the legal right exists.
If it is not a close relationship and the roommate is fairly passive, the task may be relatively easy. On the other hand, if the relationship runs deep or the roommate is aggressive, the discussion may be more challenging. In either case, the scripting process may empower the deliverer of the message.
The main benefit of the script is to keep the conversation on point. This is potentially a delicate conversation because it is not just a business deal—there is often a friendship involved. The script can help navigate an appropriate middle ground between being assertive—delivering the point succinctly—and acknowledging and being respectful of the roommate’s feelings. Striking such a balance is not always an easy task.
Veronica and Joyce had lived together for eighteen months in an apartment overlooking Rittenhouse Square in Philadelphia. They were able to live in such a nice location because they shared the rent. Since the lease was under Veronica’s name and she had the larger room overlooking the square, she paid a larger share. Their relationship flourished. They not only shared the apartment, but went to movies and concerts together, visited museums, and frequently enjoyed each other’s company at dinner. In addition, when one was faced with a personal or professional challenge, the other provided emotional support.
Veronica had lived with Joyce for nearly fourteen months when Dave came into Veronica’s life. The relationship grew to the point that being with Dave filled most of Veronica’s free time. While she cherished memories of time spent with Joyce, she now longed for the ability to use the apartment as she saw fit—most important having Dave spend increasing amounts of time there. In addition, her professional career was flourishing: she had been promoted and received a healthy pay increase. So Veronica decided it was time to end her apartment-sharing relationship.
This posed a challenge. She and Joyce had had no prior discussion of a dissolution of their arrangement, and Veronica felt somewhat responsible for Joyce’s well-being. Consequently, it was uncomfortable for Veronica to ask Joyce—whom she now considered a friend—to find new accommodations and was uncertain how to structure such a conversation.
After attending a public seminar I had presented in Philadelphia and learning about the concept of scripting, Veronica decided to take a stab at it herself. She wanted to acknowledge her warm feelings for Joyce and her hope for a continued friendship. But she also needed to firmly state that they had reached the end of their time as roommates.
Veronica decided to express her positive feelings for Joyce prior to delivering the tough news in case Joyce shut down emotionally after hearing she would have to move out. The script she used is appropriate for situations when there are no legal obligations but there is a desire to attempt to preserve a personal relationship.
Joyce,
It’s hard to believe that we’ve spent almost two years together in this apartment. And I want you to know how much I have appreciated sharing experiences with you and the support we have provided each other during that time. I truly hope that the friendship we have built will last us a lifetime. I don’t know what your plans are for the future, but I have given some thought to mine and have decided that for the next year or so I need this apartment for myself so that David and I can have the space to allow our relationship to develop. [There may be push-back here like, “I can stay out of your way.” Be ready to respond with something like, “I understand where you’re coming from and appreciate your willingness to stay out of the way, but I truly want to have total control over my life at this point and not have a roommate. If I were ever to have a roommate again you would be the first person I would turn to.”]
I recognize that this may be hard for you to deal with, but I also want you to know that I’m happy to have you take the next thirty days to find a new place for yourself.
Why don’t we go out together this weekend and go apartment hunting? I would ask that you move out by [name a date], so looking this weekend would make sense. [If you get more push-back be ready with: “This may be hard for you to understand now, but I know you will later. I have made my decision and I just want to help you, to the extent that you want me to, in order to make the move as easy as possible for you.”]
Do you have any questions?
About a year and a half later I received an e-mail from Veronica recounting this story and telling me how her courage had begun to fail her in the days leading up to this conversation with Joyce. But knowing the script—and having planned for several contingencies—gave her strength and allowed her to stick to her decision and remain composed during the conversation. She also informed me that a little over a year after her roommate moved out, she and David got married and Joyce was a bridesmaid in their wedding.
Keep in Mind:
• Begin the conversation by informing your roommate how much you appreciate him or her and how highly you view your relationship.
• Remain composed and firm in your decision.
• Be prepared for push-back and see if you can employ some contingency planning to help deliver your message.
• Offer solutions and be understanding that it may take time to find new accommodations.
As the song says, “breaking up is hard to do.” Can scripting make it a bit easier? Carefully crafting and practicing a message beforehand may well keep the conversation from running on emotional reactions and counterreactions, which can lead to misconstrued communications. Each relationship is unique and there is not one standard type of statement to make. But taking the time to generate a carefully crafted message can aid in ending a relationship peacefully. Breakups can summon deep feelings—loss, sadness, anger. Feelings do not follow scripts. But scripting and some rehearsing may send the message through the wall of those emotions, or at the very least allow to you to say exactly what you mean.
A main focus of the conversation is the definitiveness of the separation. The goal is not to “take some time apart,” or engage in an off-and-on-again romance that many couples fall into, but to end the relationship cleanly. With bonds as complicated and deep as those between couples, it is easy to hear only what one wants to hear or otherwise misunderstand what is being said. Therefore, clarity is crucial to avoid confusion and more pain in the future. At the same time do not disregard acknowledging the history of the relationship.
Liza and Ben began dating in their junior year of college. From the night they met at a mutual friend’s apartment through their graduation celebration dinner—which included both of their families—the two were inseparable. After graduation, Ben was to begin medical school and Liza would intern for a publishing firm a few states away. The two decided to give a long-distance relationship a try.
Where once they’d spent days curled up together in Ben’s living room or studying and eating at their favorite college joints, now they shared nightly phone calls that left them both exhausted the next day. In addition, Liza’s social life suffered from the guilt she felt whenever she went to bars or parties without Ben. She began to feel as though she was living a double life—one spent with her new girlfriends and at the firm, the second on the phone with Ben reliving memories and trying to picture what his medical school and his new friends were like. Liza was growing increasingly envious of her friends who had no emotional restraints. She was also increasingly worried that the time she spent on the phone with Ben was not only affecting her work but limiting her experiences in a new city.
During her upcoming visit home, she decided to end her relationship with Ben. While she would always care deeply about Ben and wanted him in her life, she knew that the long distance was taking a toll not only on her happiness, but also on his ability to be as successful as possible in medical school. She was close friends with one of our office interns and came to her for advice. That advice led to drafting and revising a script that acknowledged their romantic history and brought it to an end—at least for now.
Ben,
The last two and a half years you have been my best friend. Our times together have been filled with fun and sharing. You made my college experience very special, but we have taken different paths, and now it’s phone calls and frustration. I don’t want to see either of us end up hurt, and believe it’s best to bring this chapter of our lives to a close before we begin to develop negative feelings toward each other. [Be ready for a reaction that requires: “I understand how you feel.”]
So I’ve concluded since we live apart, it is best we separate ourselves romantically. [“How do you feel?”] This may be the end of our going together, but I hope we can stay in touch from time to time.
Ben was initially upset, but in time he came to understand why Liza had decided to end their relationship. A few weeks later, he saw a significant improvement in his classroom performance and had more time to devote to his studies. Liza was happy as well. Not only did they remain on good terms, but she was able to fully immerse herself in her new city and internship. Ben subsequently started to date a fellow medical student, and Liza is still looking for Mr. Right.
Keep in Mind:
• Start with your appreciation of the history of the relationship. Focus less on personalities and more on circumstances.
• Be prepared for feelings of rejection or abandonment.
• Ask your partner what his or her opinion is. Allow him or her to vent, grieve, or be angry without losing control of your own emotions.
• Hold the line if the separation is your decision.
We can’t undo history when we make mistakes. But we can do the next best thing by acknowledging and responding to our errors.
Almost all of us at some point regret saying or doing something hurtful to a friend, loved one, or professional acquaintance. It might be a comment made in the heat of an argument. Or an offhanded, insensitive remark. Or a willful act intended to inflict emotional or physical harm.
Often, the act gnaws at us afterward. That’s often a sign that an apology is in order. But it’s important to know how to apologize the right way. We’ve all heard bad, forced apologies. They seem to smack of insincerity.
How many times have you heard these?
• “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which isn’t an apology at all.
• “I want to apologize for anyone I’ve offended,” which is too vague and doesn’t communicate contrition or acknowledge that any error was made.
• “I am sorry, but I was [insert excuse here],” which is a way of rationalizing, but not truly assuaging hurt feelings.
The best apologies are heartfelt and specific. They often involve some soul-searching: dissecting what happened so that the words in the apology can squarely hit their intended target.
Sending flowers can help, but a gift is not an apology in and of itself. It is too nonspecific.
The timing can be complicated. Backing off a hurtful statement immediately can elevate the tone of an angry debate. Sometimes, however, it’s best to allow some time and distance to provide perspective before apologizing. “Making an apology is a very serious thing and should not be taken lightly,” says author Beverly Engel. “Therefore it is very important that you plan and prepare for your apology in order to maximize the possibilities of it being a positive experience for both you and the person you wronged.”
Earlier in my career, a business associate came to a meeting and expressed feelings about wanting a bigger piece of the pie of a company I had founded. It was my perception that he had done little to justify it. Without filtering, I became angry and let him know—in a manner I later regretted—that I believed his request was wholly unwarranted.
I later wished I could have taken back my trigger words, which provoked a threatening response. If I had to do it again, I might have asked him questions to gain a better understanding of why he felt as he did. That would have had the dual benefit of eliciting information about his position and letting him know I was listening.
I couldn’t get a do-over of the initial conversation. But I could script an apology in an attempt to rebuild the relationship.
These were the points I felt were important to make:
I was wrong in reacting to you as I did at last week’s meeting, and I’m sorry. We might have different perceptions, but I needed to listen more to you so I could understand why you feel as you do. We should have spent more time talking and I accept responsibility for that. If we disagreed, at least we could be confident that we heard each other out.
Since the initial conversation had occurred in person, it seemed appropriate for the apology to also occur face-to-face. We set up a lunch.
While the meal began with strained feelings and small talk, it moved to my expressing the points in the script and ended with a heartfelt apology that I considered an important step in the right direction.
Please accept my apology for any hurt I may have caused.
Although our relationship was not restored fully to its prior level, lines of communication were open again and the tension that filled the room whenever we were together began dissipating.
Keep in Mind:
• Be specific about who you are apologizing to and why you are apologizing.
• Remember first to dissect what unfolded as best you can so you can pinpoint where things went wrong.
• Make sure you accept blame in your apology and do not pass it off to others. If you are not genuinely remorseful, the apology will not be sincere.
• While you might consider a token of friendship (flowers or a gift, for example), it is not an apology by itself.
Most of us can remember countless times when we asked our parents for a few bucks for the movies or to pay for a dinner with friends. Sometimes they obliged, but sometimes they told us it was our responsibility. While you may follow this pattern with your children, the situation becomes more complicated when a friend or relative asks you for a loan. The decision must be made whether it is appropriate to provide the money or to deny the friend’s or relative’s request.
Without the right script, it is possible that the person who made the request will be offended by a denial. Just as bad, you may be too uncomfortable to refuse and may make the improvident loan. If the denial is made too awkwardly, the relationship could suffer permanently.
Scripting a denial will allow you to think through your rationale as well as communicate an effective and diplomatic rejection. Handing out loans to family members and friends may not be a good idea, even for individuals such as famous entertainers or athletes whose net worth is publically available and who have ample means. Often when a wealthy individual gives a loan to someone, even though it’s to only a close, credible acquaintance, the lender is bombarded with requests from many others who believe they now also have the right to make such a request.
The underlying objective of scripting a denial is that the decision not be perceived as being made for personal reasons. Rather, the request is denied for beliefs based on an established principle. That principle might be that loans made to relatives or friends can lead to damaged relationships. It might be necessary to assert that once-available funds have been committed elsewhere. In the extreme, if this relative has already been given a loan in the past and has never paid a cent in return, it may be necessary to put a foot down and tell the person to change his or her lifestyle or explore other opportunities.
Jack, a seasoned attorney, encountered this scenario a few years ago when his brother-in-law Paul asked him for a loan in order to purchase inventory and equipment for his “can’t miss” business venture. Paul was going to revolutionize the health food industry with a line of high-taste, low-fat desserts. As he described his venture to Jack, he even offered to give him a “piece” of his company in addition to repaying the loan “with good interest.” Jack did not want to provide the loan because Paul had a history of questionable “can’t miss” business ventures that did miss and—on more than a few occasions—had not repaid loans, including one advance made by Jack some years before. Making the loan was a potential “lose-lose” venture for Jack: he would be out the money, and Jack’s spouse, Paul’s sister, would feel uncomfortably “caught in the middle.” Although she sensed the improvidence of her brother’s business ventures, she did not want to become involved in Jack’s denial of the funds. Therefore, Jack came to me for perspective and advice.
I told Jack to write out a script of what he wanted to tell Paul. When Jack brought me his draft, it needed a lot of work. He used language like “I’d like to help you, but I can’t,” and “someday I will help, but not this time.” In addition to being untrue, the soft language was wide open to be questioned and subject to arguing by Paul. A serial borrower such as Paul would see it as encouragement to continue his efforts to get Jack to give him exactly what he wanted.
As I read over and acted as devil’s advocate on the script, I sharpened Jack’s language of denial and asked him for some rationales for his response. Since Jack knew Paul much better than I did, he might be better equipped to know what language would ultimately best convince his brother-in-law to accept the denial. After going through the process a few times, we came up with our finished script. Instead of saying that Jack “can’t” make the loan, we decided that he should frame his rationale around a generic policy of not making loans to relatives since they have the potential to damage family relationships. Adding a willingness to introduce him to a lender who would provide an objective analysis of the loan request could strengthen Jack’s denial while testing Paul’s willingness to be measured by conventional loan standards.
Once we’d finished the script, I sat with Jack and assumed the role of Paul as we practiced delivering his refusal. Although he was an estate attorney and not a litigator, Jack’s statements sounded more and more like a good trial lawyer’s closing argument. Once he was confident with his delivery, he was ready to have his conversation with Paul. Jack was able to communicate his thoughts firmly and diplomatically.
Paul,
I will not make this loan to you and it is important to me for you to understand why not. I have learned that loans to people who are close to you can endanger your relationship with them. While the person may have every intention to pay the loan back when it is made, circumstances frequently arise that make that difficult, and that is when the tensions really rise. [If Paul begins to respond that this deal is different, you may want to say: “Remember the situation x years ago?”] I am not in the business of being a banker, but I will be glad to introduce you to contacts I have at financial institutions in town so that you can receive the benefit of an expert’s analysis of whether the loan you seek is appropriate.
[Be prepared for an emotional comeback and be ready to say: “You may not understand this now but I hope you will in the future, and don’t forget I am willing to introduce you to contacts at my bank so they can analyze the loan for you and hopefully provide financing to you.”]
Jack successfully denied Paul the loan with minimal bad blood despite Paul’s initial angry reaction. Jack introduced Paul to several bank officer friends. Although Paul was initially frustrated that he had to rework his pitch to sound more professional, he gained some valuable perspective from going through the banking channels. Although he ultimately did not launch the business, his relationship with Jack suffered no additional strain.
Keep in Mind:
• Bracketed contingent language in a script sometimes helps prepare the communicator for eventualities not initially covered.
• Be flexible. If your spouse or significant other wants to help out a family member, or you simply cannot deny a friend with whom there is a previous bond, try to figure out an approach that minimizes your risk or commitment.
• One possible remedy: offer to match any loan that a bank will give the person, so at least you are not on the hook for the entire sum. In that way, a professional must also judge the investment worthy. This also gives the person more accountability so he or she won’t consider the loan a gift between relatives or close friends.
• Be prepared not to be repaid.
Few families are untouched by the ravages of addiction in one form or another. Substance abuse can undermine the abuser’s health and happiness, end friendships, and divide families. Rarely can addicts take steps by themselves to give up drugs. Intervention by loved ones and others close to the addict may be the only means for opening the door to treatment. A common misconception of drug abuse is that the addict must admit he has a problem and desire help. The success rate for addict recovery is the same for those forced into rehabilitation programs as for those who enroll themselves.
Intervening is difficult. Not only is it a conversation neither party wants to engage in, but addicts frequently see nothing wrong with their conduct and come up with excuses like “I don’t have a problem” or “I only do it sometimes socially.” The intervener must take a position that somehow gets the addict’s attention and moves him or her to accept treatment. The very act of conveying to the addict the gravity of the problem may also have a therapeutic effect on the interveners.
The most successful interventions come from detailed planning and uniting all the most important people in the addict’s life. Before the intervention takes place, the group needs to meet and prepare the script as well as responses to possible objections the addict may make. Because interveners face an array of emotions and reactions—ranging from stubbornness, denial, or anger to remorse or despair—building some flexibility and counterresponses into the message will strengthen the case for intervention. In addition, expressing affection for the addict rather than anger at how his or her habits have caused anxiety and pain will increase the likelihood of an agreement to treatment.
It is important to spell out the consequences if the addict refuses treatment: for example, an employment contract will be terminated or the addict will need to move out of the house.
During the surge in cocaine use in Major League Baseball in the 1980s, one of my clients, Tommy, demonstrated changed behavior patterns that suggested to me he may be using drugs. When I confronted him about it, he denied having “a drug problem” although he confessed that from time to time he had tried a drug or two socially. Tommy’s explanation did not bring me much comfort, but I did not raise any further questions at the time.
Two months later, I was in Chicago and had arranged to have lunch with Tommy before a night game. When I stopped by his room to get him, he told me he needed a few more minutes to finish dressing and I should wait in the living room of his suite. As I strolled around the room, I noticed remnants of some lines of white powder on the glass covering his bureau. When he emerged from the bedroom, I looked him squarely in the eye and asked, “Tommy, what’s this?” He hesitated and responded, “You got me, man.” Tommy had been snorting lines of cocaine and admitted to his addiction. In order to placate me, he said he would see a doctor and get some treatment.
To the disappointment of me and others, he only went through the motions and did not get the help he needed. His pattern of destructive behavior continued through the following off-season, and I sensed that before long he would either be arrested or inflict some real damage on himself. It became clear that an intervention would need to take place. We had to begin the process of getting him to go into treatment and staying in it until he had a proper program in place to aid him in his ongoing recovery. An addict is never fully healed.
I called several psychiatrist friends to get advice on how and what I should say to Tommy to effectively accomplish my goal. They admonished me that no matter how effective I was in crafting a message and carrying out an intervention process, the odds were that ultimately I would fail and that his substance abuse would not cease. Nevertheless, I sat with my partner, Michael Maas, and worked on drafts of a script that conveyed the message of intervention.
Tommy,
You know that we have been together for the last four and a half years and through that period I have always tried to be there for you. I was touched when you referred to me as your “dad” and my feelings of affection for you run deep—I hope that I have demonstrated that. [Have I?]
I owe it to you to have this conversation, because I love you. I truly believe that right now your baseball career and even your life are on the line. Your team is aware that you have used cocaine. And the general manager has informed me that he is considering bringing you in and informing you that the team is going to void your contract and put you on the Restricted List. You might well end up being banned from baseball or having your career ended because of possible criminal prosecutions. [So let me ask you, do you understand that all of this could happen?]
I have talked to the doctors at Johns Hopkins Hospital and they are ready to accept you into a substance abuse program and work with you to help get you to a better place and to get your addiction under control. All that we have to do is pick up this phone and let them know that you are coming and they will immediately admit you.
If we don’t get you to the program tonight, then there is nothing else I can do for you and I certainly can’t argue to the team that they can’t pull your contract or suggest to other teams in the future that you can pass your physical. Your career is on the line, Tommy. Let’s call the doctors.
The next day, Tommy entered the program. He stayed in it for a month, but when he returned home during the off-season, he and a girlfriend started sharing drugs again. He had fallen off the wagon and was even using crack cocaine.
I received a call from the general manager to inform me that he’d heard Tommy was once again abusing drugs and that he was ready to take action. I asked him if he would join me in an intervention with Tommy. Using a script similar to the one I had implemented in the earlier intervention but expanding it to take into account the general manager’s role, we spelled out the consequences of Tommy not getting his addiction under control in even bleaker terms. We both told Tommy that his career would without a doubt come to an end before the next season started.
Tommy again agreed to enter the program at Johns Hopkins, but this time did so with a genuine concern that he would not be able to play baseball again. Six weeks later, he left the program, and five years after that he finished his baseball career. He continues to recover from his battle with substance abuse to this day.
Keep in Mind:
• Remember that addicts are likely not in a right state of mind. Try not to take what they say personally.
• Explain how the addict’s actions are not only harmful to himself but those around him.
• Be prepared for a range of emotions, from stubbornness, denial, or anger to remorse or despair, by having a flexible script with counterresponses to any objections.
• Only deliver the bottom line—the consequences—if the addict still refuses to seek help.
• Communicate that this is a demonstration of your love and not a confrontation.
Have you ever felt at a loss for words when planning to offer condolences to someone who has recently lost a loved one? While expressing sympathy to the bereaved is a part of life, doing it is more often than not a challenge. Whether the mourner is a close friend or a professional acquaintance, the words you choose may well affect his or her feelings.
There is no “boilerplate” language for comforting the bereaved. What is said to those grieving over the death of a child should differ from what is expressed to one who has lost someone significantly older. Recognizing the need to tailor condolences to each circumstance can help assure that the words are soothing and don’t cause unintentional discomfort in a delicate moment.
It may seem awkward at first to write down the thoughts you wish to express, either in conversation or in writing. But doing so allows you to weigh their impact and receive input from a third party before you convey them. Unlike scripting for personal advancement or business, this situation calls for a largely one-sided presentation of your thoughts with typically little response from the griever other than acknowledgment.
The case of JoAnn DeCesaris—the widow of my friend Geaton DeCesaris—illustrates the impact your specific words can have.
Geaton died after a three-year battle with cancer. JoAnn had been a constant in her husband’s fight against the disease and was left drained and devastated. At his funeral and during visitations, she found some things people said were more upsetting than comforting. Some of the comments made were based on speculation—such as the assumption that her husband had had lung cancer because he smoked. In fact, he had never held a cigarette a day in his life.
This wasn’t the first time JoAnn had experienced inept attempts to comfort the mourning. She had lost loved ones before and, along with her daughters, would reminisce after funerals or viewings about the things people would say. The girls would talk about the uncomfortable exchanges and say things like, “What were they thinking?” or “Were they thinking at all?” JoAnn and her daughters always talked about writing a book on what not to say. So after JoAnn experienced the unintentionally hurtful things people said to her during her grieving period for Geaton, she told her girls that she was finally going to write the book. The phrases and instructive reactions below come from that book, The Things People Say . . . (What Not to Say).
“It’s good to see you.” This was the most common phrase JoAnn heard from acquaintances she had not seen recently. It caused her to focus on their absence during her husband’s cancer rather than their attendance at his funeral.
“I know how you feel.” Regardless of the person’s own relationship with her husband or the person’s own life situation, comparing that experience to her own unique feelings did nothing to alleviate JoAnn’s pain.
“God has a plan.” This was the initial thought she had when her husband was diagnosed, and by the time of her husband’s funeral, it had become redundant and infuriating.
“I just didn’t want to see him suffer.” This sounded to JoAnn more like an excuse for not visiting her husband than a genuine offer of condolence.
“He was my best friend.” JoAnn questioned why the people claiming to be her husband’s best friends did not come and support him when he needed them most. Unless you acted like a best friend, it’s best to steer clear of claiming to have had a relationship that may not have existed.
“Now you can take time for yourself.” JoAnn appreciated the substance of this remark and knew that if it had been said long after the funeral, she may have taken it differently. In her book, JoAnn offered a preferable way to express the same thing:
“Please take care of yourself” or
“You’ve been taking care of others so much, now take care of yourself.”
Scripting can help you thoughtfully prepare for a difficult situation in which you may be called upon to express your compassion sensitively and effectively.
JoAnn also offered several examples of genuine comforting condolences, which could also be an initial greeting. They may guide your scripting for similar situations. Below are a few phrases that comforted JoAnn.
JoAnn, I’m sorry for your loss. Geaton helped me stay positive when I faced adversity in my personal life and I will never forget it. I want you to know I am here to offer the same support to you and your family.
This was the most consoling communication to JoAnn and it came from a close friend of her husband’s. It concisely expressed his grief while offering his genuine support.
I’m sorry for your loss. He must have been a great father to raise such strong daughters.
JoAnn appreciated these words from one of her daughter’s high school teachers, who was more familiar with her children than with her husband. The statement recognized accomplishments in Geaton’s life that would continue after his death.
Soon after I graduated from high school, I lost my father. It was different from the loss of a spouse, but heartbreaking because we were very close. Especially comforting to me was a note I received from a teacher of mine that read,
I am so sorry for your loss. I know how close you and your dad were. He must have been a great dad because his son has such positive values. I hope and pray that as the pain of the immediacy of loss lessens some, the warmth of his memories will bring you and your family some comfort. Please extend my sympathies to your mother, brother, and sister.
When writing a condolence note, it may be comforting to offer “hopes and prayers.” This neither denies the pain felt by the bereaved nor diminishes the uniqueness that they attach to their loss. My teacher’s note made such an impression on me that it served as a model for my expressing condolences to others in appropriate circumstances.
There is no exact calculus of comfort for the bereaved, but thinking in advance about what to say can bring you closer to providing the comforting words that someone in JoAnn’s circumstance needs. Choosing words artfully does not deflate expressions of concern; rather, it supports the objective of comforting others.
Keep in Mind:
• Except in rare circumstances, do not suggest you understand others’ grief or what they are going through.
• Take a few moments to jot down some thoughts and reflect on their potential impact.
• Approach the bereaved with a genuine offer of support, as opposed to seeking comfort from them.
• If you are unsure of your words, have someone who knows you and the bereaved look at your thoughts and offer suggestions.
• Sometimes a hug means as much as the words you speak.
It’s been said frequently—and by many people—that there are no do-overs in life. We might occasionally have the opportunity to tread again over old terrain to try to make circumstances right. We might revisit a breakup with a significant other or try a second time to explain a business decision to a colleague. But sometimes we simply don’t get second chances. There are few situations with more finality than talking to someone who is very sick and doesn’t have long to live. You need to get it right the first time.
It’s hard to imagine a better use for scripting than crafting a message to someone who is terminally ill. These are conversations you may end up replaying in your mind for the rest of your life and they can be opportunities to say things you have never expressed to the person—a parent, a significant other, a dear friend. They are also opportunities when the person can communicate important thoughts to you.
It’s important to be precise in your language so your message is understood. But it may be even more important to know in advance exactly what topics you want to cover.
A key is not leaving out anything important. There’s an old aphorism that regret comes not from what we said, but what we didn’t say. You might have always wanted to express gratitude to a parent for standing by you at a particularly hard time.
It’s best, of course, not to leave the most important discussions—the issues—until the end. Exhaustion may overtake the person and deny you the opportunity to communicate what you want. You need to gauge what the person can understand in his or her condition, and what he or she can tolerate. Unless you script a plan for what you are going to say, you might fall into the trap of putting off the most challenging communication to the end of the conversation—a common tendency.
And you need to be a good listener—maybe the best listener you have ever been. According to caregivers, people on their deathbeds sometimes need permission to let go. They often go through checklists: Will my children be okay without me? Have I tended to my will? Is there an important issue I have left unresolved? You can listen to them, reassure them, and help them tie up loose ends. And you can make certain you understand how they want to be remembered after they are gone.
My writing partner Jeff Barker has talked to hospice workers and they say that whether the terminally ill are in a hospital, in a hospice, or at home, there are simple ways to calm and comfort the dying:
• Music: Music can set a soothing and uplifting mood and often seems to foster reflection.
• Humor: Telling jokes can be liberating. There is no rule against using humor in a dark situation—quite the contrary— but you should allow the other person to take the lead so you can assess what is appropriate.
• Familiar things: Old family photographs, paintings, flowers from the garden—these items can envelop the terminally ill in good memories.
The idea is to use scripting as a platform for being prepared. But being prepared doesn’t mean monopolizing the encounter. After some spontaneous small talk to warm things up, it’s a good idea to let your loved one know that you want to hear from him or her before you have your say.
Janice’s aunt Susan had lung cancer. The doctors said she might live another month. When she heard about the diagnosis, Janice—who, as a girl, had often spent summers at her aunt’s beach house—promptly bought a ticket and a short time later boarded a plane and flew to New England to visit Aunt Susan in hospice.
She was relieved that she had a two-hour plane ride—and another hour in a rental car—to brace herself. She needed time to think over, jot down, and recite to herself all that she wanted to say.
This is a partial list of what she had on her notepad after making several rounds of revisions:
Being with you again makes me think of our wonderful summers together when I was in high school. I remember how we took long walks and I asked you a hundred questions, which you always answered. Do you have any special memories? . . .
I want to say thank you for all the time you spent with me when I was a teenager, and for all the advice you gave me.
I want you to know how much I love and appreciate you. I love you and you are and always will be in my heart.
Is there anything you need me to do for you or you want to share with me? [Cue her to say anything she would like. Consider putting on some music to create the right mood for reflection.]
By the way, your nurse and doctors really sing your praises—what a great patient you are. Can I ask them anything for you? Is there anything else I can assist you with?
Janice shared these thoughts with her aunt that day. When she left the room both she and her aunt smiled at each other.
The doctors’ prognosis was correct. Aunt Susan lived three more weeks and then peacefully died.
In the years that followed, Janice felt gratified that she’d made the visit and had warm feelings of that day in Susan’s hospice room.
There was one part of the conversation that Janice was particularly grateful for. In the process of saying thank you, Janice shared with her aunt something else she had in her script notes: that she hoped one day to have a daughter and give the child the middle name Susan. Janice’s first child was a girl named Jennifer Susan.
Occasionally, Janice felt sad that her new daughter couldn’t meet Aunt Susan. But by telling her aunt of her plans for the baby’s name, she felt as if she had created an enduring connection between her aunt and her daughter.
Keep in Mind:
• Allow the sick or dying person to drive the conversation. If the person is unable to communicate, just be there for him or her.
• Share a memory or two, and ask for the person’s memories or let him or her react to yours.
• Be as specific as possible in your expression of gratitude if appropriate.
• Offer to assist with any issues or needs the person may have—people he or she wants to see, medical issues, estate issues, burial or service plans, etc.
• Create a mood—perhaps with music or flowers or family photographs—that feels comfortable.
• Script in advance the most important topics to discuss and how to present them.