CHAPTER 1

The Three Ds

Our lives—personal and professional—are full of communications challenges. What’s the most effective way to ask for a raise? What’s the best way to maintain price integrity for the product or service you are selling? To express condolences to an acquaintance who has suffered a tragic loss? To make an offer on a house for substantially less than the seller has said he is willing to accept? To have a coworker cease sexual harassment? To notify your board that a larger budget is required? To solicit a charitable request from a potential donor? To inform your close friend or relative that you will not be able to help him out with a loan?

How do we deal with communication challenges like these—situations that can be at best sensitive and at worst awkward or intimidating? The words that pop into our heads are often the ones we ultimately speak. Whether at home or in business, there are plenty of situations where it is perfectly appropriate to express feelings spontaneously. But off-the-cuff comments could prove detrimental in other settings. I remember the young executive who described to me his interaction with his boss after receiving a particularly negative evaluation. He described going into the meeting intending to explain to his boss why these issues had arisen and to accept responsibility for the things that he felt related to him.

But, under pressure and unscripted, he fell back on his habits and emotions—a response that many people have experienced in stressful situations. He explained: “The conversation quickly spun out of control as I felt attacked and defensive due to my boss’s tone, language, and aggressive manner. In my fearful state, I said some things that betrayed his trust in me and he asked me to leave the building so he could mull over my termination.”

Consider also a contract negotiation in which a midlevel executive desires a salary of $100,000. He knows that a basic principle of negotiation suggests that he aim high and ask for at least $130,000. During his conversation with his employer, fear overtakes him and he spontaneously blurts out his request for a salary “in the range of $100,000 to $130,000.” He hedges his $130,000 ask with a “range” anchored at $100,000 to soften the blow on his employer’s sensitivities. Unfortunately, because we tend to “hear what we listen for,” the employer only hears and responds to the lower end of the ask and replies: “I am prepared to pay you $80,000.” The spontaneous articulation of a range has disabled the employee’s plan to make the employer feel the force of a $130,000 ask.

Is there a better way to thoughtfully craft such important messages—to perfect a pitch? After years of living in the laboratory of successful and unsuccessful communications, I have come to the conclusion there is a process that leads to a higher level of success and satisfaction in the myriad interactions with others that we face in our lives: scripting. This tool involves recording our initial ideas and points; followed by critiquing our word choices, clarifying our explanations, and testing our logic; and then choosing the delivery format and practicing to become confident through comfort with the script. It’s useful to actively write in bullet or some other short form what you want to convey to the other side. Scripting is a crucial element of the preparation process of negotiation.

In the early days of my career, I understood the negotiation principle that I had to “aim high with reason”—having a good rationale—in making demands. Yet I also feared rejection. Although I would start with a high number in mind, I did not commit to it in a script. So as I spoke, I would retreat to the “range game” and give both the high ask and the number I actually wished to receive. The problem with playing the “range game” is the other side only hears the number closest to his target number and thus starts the negotiation at that number or even below it. In the end, my discomfort with the hard ask and the lack of scripting to overcome it resulted in receiving an amount lower than I had hoped. Learning from this mistake, I trained myself to speak confidently, especially when making a high request, by developing and adhering to an “aim high” script. I wrote down what I wanted to say on a pad of paper, made corrections, studied my notes, and then delivered the ask confidently, with comfort gained by my preparation.

A Big Baseball Contract

Consider negotiating one of the largest contracts in Major League Baseball history. At the time it was signed in 2010, the Joe Mauer contract was the fourth largest in Major League Baseball history, both in total value and average salary. Despite its magnitude, the process included the same communication issues that arise in so many other situations in our lives—when we say something to people who are not predisposed to hearing what we have to say; when we make a demand well in excess of either their inclination or expectation; when we try to persuade others to buy into an unpopular proposition; when we attempt to wrap an otherwise tense exchange in a cloak of calm demeanor.

All of these challenges and others to which almost anyone can relate surfaced in the contract negotiation I conducted with the Minnesota Twins on behalf of my client, then three-time American League batting champion and 2009 American League Most Valuable Player Joe Mauer. The scripting technique that my partner, Michael Maas, and I employed was an essential piece of attaining Joe’s eight-year, $184 million contract and keeping him in Minnesota rather than playing the free agent shell game.

Perhaps the simple, systematic approach for effectively scripting—the three Ds: Draft, Devil’s Advocate, and Deliver—is best initially understood when viewed in the context of the Mauer negotiation. In that negotiation, Michael and I faced uncertainties similar to those that others deal with when they must make a request or state a position that they feel the other party may reject. Certainly, we were experienced negotiators, which could have caused us to think we would know what to state, without prior scripting, in meetings or calls with the Twins. At the same time, experience had taught us the value of scripting. After determining that we would have to make an ask at a number ($30 million a year for ten years) substantially higher than where we might ultimately be willing to end up ($22–$24 million a year), I suggested to Michael that he draft a brief script justifying the high target. After Michael completed his draft, I would review and revise it, and we would engage in a back-and-forth devil’s advocate exchange. We would weigh possible reactions by the Twins and modify our language where appropriate.

Once we reached a comfort level with the script, it was time for me to prepare for and deliver my ask. Going through the drafting and devil’s advocate steps, as well as practicing the script, enabled me to become comfortable with the statement and confidently deliver what could otherwise have been a hesitant presentation.

Founding father John Adams had every reason to be hesitant and sense potential rejection when he sought to move the representatives of thirteen disparate colonies toward a position of embracing the thirteen United States of America. Adams did not merely stand up in front of Congress and deliver his position. Rather, when he rose from his seat in Congress, Adams made his arguments with self-assurance thanks to his delivery preparation, using the drafts he’d developed and the devil’s advocacy of his scripts by his wife, Abigail. Following his example, it is important for all of us to deliver our positions with an air of confidence.

But is it worth it to go through the process of the three Ds in everyday life—even when the stakes may seem mundane? While not every transaction involves a multimillion-dollar baseball contract, the outcome of many situations—perhaps an offer on a house or an appeal on a charity’s behalf or the resolution of a dispute with an acquaintance—can feel just as important. Losses are personal and hard to take, no matter the arena.

In fact, even my eleven-year-old granddaughter Chloe revealed an awareness of this during a complicated situation with a friend. Chloe had been close with this friend, whom I’ll call Lisa, since they were four. Starting in kindergarten, the two had the same group of five friends and these close friendships continued into their preteen years.

But the summer before entering the fifth grade, a change occurred. A few of the girls in Chloe’s tight-knit group created a system of sleepovers every weekend that summer without thinking about how their exclusive sleepovers affected others—particularly Chloe. Meanwhile, Chloe was busy that summer visiting family and other friends. As a result, the fifth grade began in a somewhat awkward way for Chloe, as she was feeling slightly insecure about her friendships with her favorite group of girls.

Needless to say, there were strains and, for the first time ever, real trouble in the friendships. Lisa started to neglect her friendship with Chloe and to focus instead on fitting in with her other classmates, sometimes at Chloe’s expense. Eventually a combination of gossip and separation appeared to take the friendship to its breaking point, making the need to talk more important than ever.

Chloe and her mother, my daughter Laura, decided that since emotions were running high, the best thing to do was to write down a list of the points she wanted to make to her friend. Along the way, Laura, as Chloe’s devil’s advocate, suggested as her only piece of advice that Chloe start each sentence with “I feel” because no one can argue with the way you feel.

Once Chloe’s emotions had cooled she gained confidence by practicing what she was going to say. Chloe made a note card with a list of issues she felt that she and Lisa needed to work through and the points she wished to raise. On the other side of the note card, she wrote encouraging words to make herself feel stronger. On the front of the card, Chloe had scripted the issues, followed by various prompts. She wanted Lisa to remember how close they were and how she had always kept Lisa’s secrets. Her words of encouragement on the back of the card read, in all caps, STAY POSITIVE, I CAN DO THIS, BREATHE, KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS, BE-YOU-TIFUL YOU, and finally, BE LIKE POPS. The final encourager—a reference to me—obviously touched me deeply.

She practiced for her conversation with Lisa by reading her points to her mother a few times. When she left the room—and during the drive to Lisa’s house—Chloe continued to read the “strength” words to herself. Chloe felt that her encouraging word list calmed her and was as important as the actual message. Equipped with this note card and a good-luck charm, a locket with a picture of her with her sisters, Chloe was ready to deliver the script to her best friend.

Although there were lots of tears, Chloe remained calm and confident throughout the conversation. She expressed her feelings and apologized for the things that Lisa said she had done that hurt her. Chloe repeated several times: “I love you, Lisa, and would never want to intentionally hurt you. I am so sorry you felt that way.” Chloe made all of her points to Lisa. Although it was awkward for a couple of days following this emotional exchange, the two rekindled their friendship, and while Chloe never fully reentered the original group of five, she and Lisa have remained close friends.

Everyone wants to become a better communicator, but the question is, are they willing, like Chloe, to do what they have to do to get there—to practice the three Ds?

There is an adage that everyone knows what they are supposed to do in pursuit of better health—do not smoke, eat plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, get enough sleep. The trick is actually following these steps. Likewise, it is the act of gathering all of your thoughts and emotions regarding the situation on paper, then selecting the strongest points and weaving them together in order to create a cohesive dialogue, that, once practiced, allows you to communicate your feelings and opinions effectively.

Keep in Mind:

• Scripting in crucial conversations usually leads to more successful communications.

• Draft, Devil’s Advocate, and Deliver are the three steps of the scripting process.

• Scripting can be used in challenging situations in both your business and your personal life.

• With extemporaneous expression, it is easy to be misunderstood or be too emotional—scripting helps control that.

• To be confident in delivering your message, put it in writing and have it cross-examined by another. This will raise the level of its clarity and its impact.