Chapter Three
Nurse Hairymoles

Nurse Hairymoles is one heck of a good nurse. She’s such a good nurse, nobody cares that she’s an evil witch with green skin, a crooked nose, and hairy black moles all over her body.

Her strange looks are not what make her evil. There are plenty of witches in the world with green skin and hairy moles who aren’t all that evil. Nurse Hairymoles is evil because whatever sickness you go in for, she cures right away. The only problem is, she secretly gives you another illness that will make you even sicker the next day, so you have to go back to see her again. Then she cures that problem and gives you a brand-new one. Her nursing business is very successful because of this.

Everyone thinks Nurse Hairymoles is the best nurse in the world, which is true, because she can cure absolutely anything. What nurse do you know who can do that? But everything always evens out in life, so her miraculous nursing talent is balanced by her nasty tendency to make you even sicker with brand-new maladies. There’s a good saying on how to deal with this type of person in your life: you take the good with the bad.

After Ms. Fang’s first class ended, the three Rachels pushed the big red button next to the doorway and swiftly fell through a trapdoor that had opened beneath their feet. After sliding down a long tube, the Rachels dropped into the middle of Nurse Hairymoles’s office. None of the three Rachels spell their name Rachel. One is Rachael, one is Raychel, and one is Frank, which is pronounced “Rachel.” The kids speculate that Frank’s parents don’t know how to read, but more about that later.

The three Rachels—Rachael, Raychel, and Frank—shouted, “Come quick! Ms. Fang bit two kids an hour ago!”

“Don’t you mean Ms. Fangs?” asked Nurse Hairymoles.

“No, it’s Ms. Fang now. And don’t call her Ms. Fangs anymore or she’ll bite you, too.”

Nurse Hairymoles waved her magic wand, and in a flash, she and the three Rachels appeared in the classroom in a cloud of smoke. All the smoke made it hard to find Benny and Wendy, but eventually, Rachael and Frank tripped over their lifeless bodies on the floor and called Nurse Hairymoles to them.

Nurse Hairymoles pulled the two dead kids and the three Rachels together, waved her wand, and zapped everyone back to her office.

Inside it looked more like a haunted laboratory than a nurse’s office. There were cages of newts, lizards, and giant bugs. Tanks of sea slugs, piranhas, and eels. Beakers of slime, sludge, and muck.

Nurse Hairymoles did a quick examination of Benny and Wendy.

“These kids have had all the blood sucked out of them!” Nurse Hairymoles exclaimed.

“Well, duh,” said Rachael and Raychel.

“Can you cure them?” asked Frank, which is pronounced “Rachel.”

“Of course I can,” Nurse Hairymoles said, “but I only have enough blood in storage to save one of them. The other one is going to need new blood from someone else.”

Nurse Hairymoles opened a refrigerator in the room and pulled out what looked like a plastic milk carton filled with blood. She poked one end of her magic wand into the milk carton and put the other end on Benny’s arm. Soon Benny filled up with blood, just like a balloon being blown up. All his color came back, and he opened his eyes.

The three Rachels cheered.

“I’m alive!” Benny shouted. “Thank you, Nurse Hairymoles!” And he gave her a big kiss on her crooked green nose covered with hairy moles.

“Here,” said Nurse Hairymoles, holding out her hand with a purple pill in it. “Take this pill to get your strength back.” Benny took the pill (which secretly contained a vicious flu virus) and skipped out of the room, leaving behind the still-lifeless Wendy.

“Wellll,” croaked Nurse Hairymoles, “which one of you girls wants to donate all your blood so I can bring Wendy back to life?”

“But, if you take our blood, won’t we die?” asked Raychel, quivering.

“Of course you will. But as you’ve seen, I can bring you right back to life as long as I can get someone else’s blood.”

“I see,” said Raychel. “Rachael, will you give me your blood after I die?”

“Of course. You’re my best friend, Raychel. I’d be happy to give you my blood.”

So Nurse Hairymoles put one end of her wand on Raychel’s arm and the other end on Wendy’s arm. Wendy filled up just like a balloon, opened her eyes, took her pill, and skipped away happily.

Raychel dropped dead on the floor.

Then Rachael stepped forward, and the process was repeated. Raychel came back to life, skipped away, and then Rachael dropped dead.

That left Frank, which is pronounced “Rachel,” in case you forgot.

“Well, Frank. Do you want to save Raychel’s life?” asked Nurse Hairymoles.

“To be honest, I don’t really like either of the Rachels. They always make fun of how my name is spelled. But . . . I suppose it’s the right thing to do.”

So Frank gave her blood to Rachael, who came back to life and skipped away.

At this point, there was no more blood left for Frank. Nurse Hairymoles sounded a loud alarm, and all the kids at Scary School lined up at her office. Frank’s best friend, Petunia, gave her blood to Frank, and then Johnny, who had a crush on Petunia, gave his blood to Petunia. On and on it went until every kid at Scary School had given their blood to someone else. Each had saved someone’s life, dropped dead, and come back to life.

Unfortunately, Benny Porter had to run to the bathroom after coming back to life and did not hear the alarm because he was making even louder noises in the bathroom stall.

By the time Benny got out and realized what was happening, he was the last in line. When it finally came to him, Benny gave his blood to Jason and dropped dead once again. That was the second time Benny had died that day. How many people can say that’s ever happened to them?

Even more unfortunately, since there was no one left in line, no one was obligated to give Benny more blood. No one really liked Benny so no one volunteered, and the kids went about their normal school day as poor Benny lay dead once again on Nurse Hairymoles’s floor.

Principal Headcrusher walked in to assess the situation. “Well,” she said, “Scary School policy states that if a student gets drained of his blood and there’s no more blood left to save him, then he must be turned into a vampire.”

“Ugh, that’s not my job, is it?” groaned Nurse Hairymoles.

“No, Nurse Hairymoles. His parents will have to find their own Turner that will suit him best.”

“Thank goodness,” said Nurse Hairymoles, “because I have a hot date tonight.”

Principal Headcrusher’s jaw dropped. She did a terrible job of hiding her shock.

“Riiight,” Principal Headcrusher said, forcing a smile. “Well, it’s a stupid rule if you ask me. Deceased students would be so much more useful as food for the Venus flytraps, wouldn’t you say?”

“Yes, Principal Headcrusher.”

“But you know how parents are these days, what with wanting to keep their kids alive. Pfff. Whatever.”

And so Benny got to stay home from Scary School for a whole week while he was being turned into a vampire. Then he got to stay home another week while he suffered from a vicious flu.

All the kids were jealous.