At your school, “the three Rs” probably stands for Reading, wRiting, and aRithmetic, but at Scary School, “the three Rs” stands for Rachael, Raychel, and FRank (which is pronounced “Rachel”).
While we’re on the subject, why in the world do they call reading, writing, and arithmetic “the three Rs?” I would understand if each word actually started with the letter R, but each word just happens to have an R in it. Isn’t that ridiculous? You might as well just call it “the three Is” for readIng, wrIting, and arIthmetic, right?
Also, why isn’t it reading, writing, and arithmeticking . . . or mathing? Why can you read, but you can’t math? When you think about it, this is a very bizarre language we speak, and the stupid people who speak it make it even worse by coming up with things like “the three Rs” that confuse things even further. When you’re a ghost, you have a lot of time to think about this stuff, and it drives you crazy.
Rachael is the tallest girl in Ms. Fang’s class. She has long black hair and loves stickers. All her folders and textbooks are covered in stickers, her clothes are covered in stickers, and most of her stickers are covered in stickers.
Raychel is Rachael’s best friend. She’s the shortest girl in Ms. Fang’s class. She has short blond hair and hates stickers. In fact, she hates anything that’s sticky—glue, gum, honey, you name it. Three years ago she got gum caught in her hair and hasn’t been able to get it out yet.
Rachael and Raychel don’t have anything in common except for the pronunciation of their names, but that’s enough for them to be best friends.
Frank, which is pronounced “Rachel,” is the exact middle in height in Ms. Fang’s class. Since Benny died, she is the fifteenth tallest one, or the fifteenth shortest one depending on your perspective. There are fourteen kids shorter than her and fourteen kids taller than her in the class. She has frizzy brown hair and loves jumping rope. She used to jump rope all day every day. She would jump rope on her way to class, jump rope eating lunch, and would even fall asleep jumping rope at night. One morning she woke up and the automatic counter on her jump rope was at two million jumps!
At the end of last year, Frank lost control of her jump rope and it flew through the air and poked Mr. Spider-Eyes in twenty of his eyes. Using Monster Math, that’s almost eighteen thousand eyes. He got angry and took Frank’s jump rope away. Now Frank hops down the halls jumping an imaginary rope.
Frank’s only friend is Petunia, but everyone thinks that her friends are Rachael and Raychel since she’s one of the three Rachels. The truth is, Rachael and Raychel won’t let Frank be their friend because they don’t like the way Frank spells her name. People thought Frank’s parents must not have been able to read, but that isn’t true, either.
Frank’s parents come from Gnomania. In Gnomania, Fs are pronounced like Rs, Rs are silent, As are the same, and NK is pronounced “chel.” Thus, “Frank” is how they spell “Rachel.”
I sure used a lot of quotation marks in that last paragraph. I wonder what a paragraph would look like if it were nothing but quotation marks. Let’s try it.
““““ “““““““ ““““““““““ “““““““““““““““““. ““““““““““““““““““ “““ ““““““““““““““““ “““““ “““““““““““““““““““““ “““““““““““““ ““““““““““““““““““? “““““““““““““““ ““““““““““““““““““““““““““ ““““““““““! ““““ “““ “““““““““““““““ “““““““““.
Okay, that was stupid. But hey, I’m a ghost. I get bored very easily.
It was getting close to winter vacation, and Rachael and Raychel were practicing extra hard for the Ghoul Games. They decided to join together as a team for their chosen game.
They saw Frank at the end of the yard skipping imaginary rope all by herself. They called out to her, “Hey, Frank, come over and play with us!”
“Okay!” said Frank, very excited someone wanted to play with her. She dropped her imaginary rope and ran over to Rachael and Raychel. “What game are we playing?”
“What are you doing here, Frank?” said Rachael with a sneer.
“Yeah, we don’t want to play with you,” said Raychel, even sneerier.
“Oh . . . I thought you . . . never mind,” said Frank, and she hung her head and walked back to her imaginary jump rope.
The two Rachels called out to her again. “Hey, Frank, we were just kidding! Come over here and play with us!”
Frank dropped her rope again and ran over to the Rachels.
“I totally knew you were kidding,” said Frank. “What are we playing?”
“Eww! As if we’d ever play a game with someone who spells their name like you do,” said Rachael.
“Yeah, why don’t you go play with Petunia or one of the other freaks and leave us alone?” said Raychel.
“Are you kidding again?” asked Frank.
“No,” said Rachael.
“Yes,” said Raychel.
“Yes,” said Rachael.
“No,” said Raychel.
Frank just stared at them for a few moments while they sneered at her, then smiled, then sneered, then smiled, then sneered. Eventually she just ran off crying.
“Wow,” said Rachael, “we are getting really good at these mind games.”
“Yeah, I’m really glad we chose mind games for our Ghoul Games event.”
“I’m not. Yes I am. No I’m not. . . .”
Recess ended, and the two Rachels started walking back to class, but they tripped and fell to the ground, and everyone laughed at them.
“Why do our legs feel tied together?” the two Rachels asked each other.
From across the yard, Frank thought to herself, wow, I’m getting really good at tying these imaginary ropes.