Being honest with yourself is difficult.
I know. I hadn’t forgotten how I was before I became a Christian. Back then I had perfected the art of lying to myself. I found it easy to be dishonest when it was in my interest. For instance, when I worked at the convenience store on long Sunday afternoons, I helped myself to candy bars and beef jerky from the display shelves without paying. Instead of thinking, That’s stealing! I rationalized my actions by saying to myself, They make so much money off these things.
I always lied to my parents about my whereabouts on weekends because I wanted to hang with my friends and not come home when my parents wanted me to come home. I’m not doing anything bad, I thought, instead of recognizing that I was speaking a flat-out lie about my plans to Mom and Dad.
After vowing never to use marijuana because I was an athlete, I willingly smoked dope because I thought I was in such good shape that it wouldn’t hurt me. Then there was the time I bought cocaine for my senior prom, saying to myself, This is only for a special occasion. That sounded a lot better than You’re using illegal drugs and could mess up your life!
My appetite for pleasure and fun controlled my life. Why should I say no to what I wanted to do? I was young enough, insecure enough, and lonely enough not to listen to the voice in my head questioning some of my decisions. While I am ashamed to reveal everything about my BC (before Christ) days, they reveal a fundamental truth about me: when it was in my interest, I was a pro at playing mind games to get what I wanted when I wanted it.
I wish I could say that the mind games stopped after I became a Christian. The fact is, that part of me still remained in my character. After all, I was good at telling lies—I had practiced for years. So for me to become good at something else—like telling the truth—also took some practice. I wasn’t aware that God, however, who was in charge of my training program, would be the one teaching me how to be honest.
I bet you’ve rationalized a few things. You wouldn’t be normal if you haven’t. It’s easy to do. All you have to do is repeat one of the following excuses:
• I deserve this.
• No one will ever know.
• I am not hurting anyone.
• My friends’ parents let them.
• That’s just the way I am.
• Parents just don’t get it.
• Everyone I know at school does it.
• Technically, it’s not having sex.
• It’s better than getting a girl pregnant.
• God wants me to have fun.
• This will be the last time.
• After college, I’ll stop.
We love to excuse our wrong behaviors. We love to justify our weaknesses. We love to minimize the damages. We love to rationalize our sin. We make fun of those who are being good. We blame our parents, our teachers, or the cops. At one time or another I used these mind games on myself. I’m sure I believed what I was saying at the time, although I was twisting logic for selfish purposes.
Danny used these same mind games when he complained to Ashley that she didn’t really love him. When they started dating four months earlier, he respected her virginity. He bought into the “true love waits” motto. But as he daily fantasized about her, the whole virginity thing became less attractive to him. He resented the firewall she had installed regarding physical intimacy.
For Danny, purity had gone from a standard that honored God to a mind game of technicalities, loopholes, and rationalizations to get Ashley to compromise.
Danny’s mind became one track—and it was no longer on God. He wanted to touch her more, explore her more, kiss her longer, and hug her deeply. It was like he tossed his moral bearings overboard; that’s how focused he was on her body, which was built very well. He imagined what she looked like with her top off when they kissed, which only revved his motor higher. But he felt her resisting his advances to go a little further each time they got into heavy kissing.
“You love me, right?” he asked after one extended session on the couch in her living room.
She nodded her head, which rested against his chest.
“If two people are in love, what’s wrong about expressing that love?” he asked.
Danny didn’t hear her answer. A little head was doing all the thinking—and it wasn’t the one mounted to his neck and shoulders. So he tried a different tack. He asked her if she could go “down there” to take some of the pressure off. He said it wasn’t the same as having sex. It’s what couples who weren’t married did. For Danny, purity had gone from a standard that honored God to a mind game of technicalities, loopholes, and rationalizations to get Ashley to compromise.
Ashley knew what she was being asked to do, so she made some excuse. Then she confided in Danny’s best friend Brian about how he was acting. “Could you talk to him about it?” she asked. “Tell him that if he doesn’t back off, I don’t want to date him anymore.”
At the beach that weekend, Brian and Danny went surfing in the early morning. Afterward, when they were back in the parking lot, changing out of their wetsuits, Brian casually asked, “How’s it going with Ashley?”
“Why? You interested?” Danny laughed.
“No, dude. Nothing like that. It’s just that you guys are serious.”
“You’re right,” Danny lamented. “It’s not the same, though. She is such a prude sometimes.”
“What do you mean?”
“She doesn’t want to fool around—at all!” Danny protested.
“Well, maybe she’s right on this one, bro.” Brian said, recalling his discussion with Ashley.
“What are you talking about?” Danny was getting agitated.
Brian took a deep breath and let it rip. “Sounds like it’s all about you getting off. Problem is: it’s not just about you. It’s about her commitment. It’s about God. You know the deal on this one, bro. God’s not gonna rewrite that part of His Word so we can fudge. He’s got reasons.”
“Oh yeah? Give me one good one.”
“Obviously, you’re not ready to listen if I told you one,” Brian said.
Danny ran his right hand through his sun-bleached hair. “What do you mean?” he asked.
Brian kept pouring it on. “If you can blow off your commitment to God so easily now,” he said, “how can you expect to keep your commitment to her if you guys get married? That’s what she’s thinking in the back of her head, man! No self-control now, no self-control later. It makes her doubt you.”
Having his sheets pulled made Danny feel uncomfortable. “You sound like that psychologist on Oprah, dude.”
Brian raised his hands and shrugged. He had him. Danny was caught—not by Brian, but by God. The mind games were over for now.
All of us will stand before God one day and have to account for our actions today. You want that day to be a great one. He won’t accept your bogus excuses for why you traded in your commitment to Him for cheap physical thrills or moments of gratification. What will you say to the Lord—the same Lord who reads all your thoughts and exposes your mind games? That’s why, when facing a moral dilemma, you have one of two ways to go: either face up to the truth or run from God. What will it be for you? Choosing to live your life by the truth or by lies?
When certain situations arise, young men keep truth at arm’s length because they still want to dance with sin. Depending on how you look at things, truth can be perceived as:
• an enemy of certain adrenaline rushes
• an enemy of cool
• an enemy of acceptance by those you want to like you
• an enemy of sexual gratification
• an enemy of your plans to deviate from your faith for an evening
• an enemy of a guilt-free high
The worst habit a young man can get into is telling himself lies that give him enough wiggle room to continue participating in activities that he knows are harming his relationship with God and others. The deception goes like this: If I avoid the truth (or suppress it temporarily) about what I’m doing, I can keep doing what I’m doing. This sort of thinking leads to actions that:
• divide your allegiance
• drive you into sin
• distance you from God
• disconnect you from godly accountability
• damage your witness for Christ
The best habit you can get into is seeing how God’s purposes for bringing truth to your life are all about you! He’s doing this because he loves you. He may be telling you things you may not want to hear, but they are things that you need to hear to become God’s young man. The fact is that He can’t help Himself—He is the truth. So how do you know when God’s speaking His truth to you? It’s God talking when:
• you are not free to pursue sin like you used to
• you are forced to pause and think about consequences
• you are uncomfortable for all the right reasons
• you want to run away from the message
• you don’t want to take responsibility for your actions
• you feel uncomfortable or anxious about a behavior
• you are approached by someone you respect with concerns
• you remember a clear insight or biblical command that speaks to the behavior
Jesus described these moments of truth as opportunities to “see the light”—times when men will either move toward God or run from God:
The light from heaven came into the world, but they loved the darkness more than the light, for their actions were evil. They hate the light because they want to sin in the darkness. They stay away from the light for fear their sins will be exposed and they will be punished. But those who do what is right come to the light gladly, so everyone can see that they are doing what God wants. (John 3:19-21, NLT)
Our actions reveal our true heart and our maturity in Christ. When Jesus shows up on your porch with some truth about your present direction, an attitude that needs adjustment, or an action that needs to be addressed, how do you react?
• Do you slam the door of your mind to His voice of truth? Or do you open it wide?
• Do you respond with just promises to change? Or do you take action?
• Do you fear being exposed as a poser? Or do you see yourself as a sinner just like everybody else?
• Do you lie to yourself? Or do you take responsibility?
• Do you hide the real you? Or do you let others see you as you really are?
• Do you keep doing what you want? Or do you start doing what God wants?
See the difference? One guy says “whatever” by his response. The other guy says, “That’s me! What do you want me to do now, Jesus?” When God turns the mirror of truth on one of His young servants, a boy will flee, but God’s young man will turn and face it. A boy fears the realities that his destructive behavior is causing. But a courageous young man of God weathers the storm of discomfort in his gut, listens to what he’s being taught, and moves into the Man Zone.
His parents were right, but Tom could not admit that. He fought them tooth and nail about getting a summer job to pay for his car insurance, his gas, and his car repairs. His mom and dad told him that since he was not taking summer school classes, the next three months would be a great time to find a part-time job to cover his car-related expenses.
Something in Tom couldn’t admit that his parents were right, however. He had other things on his mind—like sleeping in and hanging out with his friends.
When he described his fight to his buddies, he was surprised that everyone didn’t see his side. One friend said, “Dude, your old man chipped in over half the money to buy that metallic blue Honda CRX in the driveway, and then he bought you those chrome rims as a car-warming present. Your dad is awesome. I don’t think he’s asking too much.”
But most of his friends thought Tom’s parents were hassling him. “Yeah, I don’t know any parents who made their kids pay for anything while they’re still in school,” said one.
Tom pressed his case at the dinner table one night. “Mom, you said that as long as I was in college, you and dad would take care of stuff like this,” he stated, kind of like a lawyer making an opening statement.
“I think that’s a bit of a stretch,” his father interjected. “She meant room and board, Son, not the costs of owning a car. Mom and I think you should be taking on some of the financial responsibilities that come with growing older. If you don’t want to, then maybe the freedom of having your own car isn’t the right thing.”
“But, Dad …”
“I want you to think about it. We think that since you’re not taking summer classes, you can do some work around the office and earn some cash to take care of your expenses. That’s all we’re asking. I want you to pray about that.”
Playing the God card brought the discussion to a close. Tom muttered something about thinking about it and excused himself to visit Justin. I’m outta here, he thought.
Sometimes accepting the truth is hard because change requires action, which can produce tension.
He unlocked the front door to his CRX, got in, and turned the key. Something made him pause before he backed out of the driveway—something deep inside. He took a long breath and stared at the picture windows fronting their home. He could see his parents sharing a dessert and coffee. They were being more than fair. Even though the timing of their request caught him off guard, he knew they were right. He didn’t need to pray about it; what he should do was clear to him. He turned off the ignition, walked back inside, and did what God wanted him to do—apologize to his parents and ask his dad when he could start working in his office.
Sometimes accepting the truth is hard because change requires action, which can produce tension. I’m talking about that knot in your stomach when a problem or issue connected to you has to come out into the open.
I can understand why there are times that you don’t want to hear the truth. It messes up your plans and timing. Other times, it’s difficult to face your faults, and the cost of owning up to them is shame—that painful feeling that arises from guilt. When you are ashamed of your actions, you can only go one of two ways with this feeling—you kill the messengers or take responsibility and change. Facing up to the truth can feel like your losing something. In Tom’s case, his carefree summer was going out the window, but Jesus was calling him to change, honor his mom and dad, and face the truth with courage. Sure, he had a huge knot in his stomach walking back into that house, but he had the wisdom to recognize that was God in his gut! So he decided to gamble on that tug calling him to do the right thing.
When faced with a situation like Tom’s—when your sheets have been pulled and your flaws exposed—Jesus advises us to do what’s counterintuitive and unnatural. He says to take the hit: “For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it” (Mark 8:35).
My brother-in-law Christian (yes, that’s his real name) is the chief of surgery at a Sacramento hospital. He’s an amazing guy blessed with iron nerves, and his skilled hands are great with a blade. Mountains of thank-you cards and a flood of presents every Christmas are tangible reminders that his patients appreciate his gift. Think about it: they love him for cutting on them! It sounds funny to say that, but they realize his cutting is an incision to heal, not a stabbing to kill. His postoperative patients are grateful for helping them live healthier lives free from cancerous tumors, breast lumps, ruptured appendixes, or torn hernias.
God sometimes exacts surgical cuts on aspects of your personality to bring you toward better spiritual health. Your willingness to go under the knife requires faith in the surgeon and an expectation of a healthier life with God.
In a moment of truth—when you want to run from reality or run from God—He says, “Don’t run! Take my hand. It’s okay. I want to take you to a new place.”
Christian may be a great surgeon, but cutting on people is not his best quality. I admire how he educates his patients and calms their fears while leading up to an operation. The way he explains things puts their minds at ease and makes them believe that this procedure is routine and that everything will be just fine. In the same way, God also extends His hand to calm our fears:
But I’ll take the hand of those who don’t know the way, who can’t see where they’re going.
I’ll be a personal guide to them,
directing them through unknown country.
I’ll be right there to show them what roads to take,
make sure they don’t fall into the ditch.
These are the things I’ll be doing for them—
sticking with them, not leaving them for a minute. (Isaiah 42:16, MSG)
In a moment of truth—when you want to run from reality or run from God—He says, “Don’t run! Take my hand. It’s okay. I want to take you to a new place.”
I call that place the Next Level.
When God brings the truth to you, your acceptance has great rewards. You feel closer to Him, like part of the team, when you get with the program He’s recommending. If you shine Him on, however, and reject the truth, God cannot connect with a young man who disregards the truth and lies to himself. Remember: His character won’t allow it.
One time Jesus told a lady giving Him the runaround that “the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks” (John 4:23). Want to connect with God at the Next Level? You can do it by getting honest with yourself. Ask yourself these questions:
• Am I being honest with myself regarding my spiritual commitment to Christ?
• Am I being totally honest with God about my life?
• Have I been honest with others about my spiritual life and struggles?
• Am I willing to hear the truth from God and other brothers about my spiritual direction?
• Will I do what they say?
Openness and honesty always lead to a closer connection with God—and with other people. Living a lie creates distance in these relationships.
Scott had been playing God for a fool. He was leading his youth group on Friday nights, recruiting others for a mission trip to Mexico, and getting into “deep” discussions about the Lord with the other guys in his “Huddle.” Week after week, Scott was like a rock, and his youth pastor was pretty excited about having a strong and honest guy in leadership. Once, in a guys-only discussion, Scott was courageous enough to discuss his struggles with sexual temptation, which made it safe for other guys to talk about stuff they had never shared before.
Scott wasn’t honest about one thing, however: his Internet browser was loaded to the gills with superexplicit porn sites. That, he thought, was something he had to keep to himself. Then Scott’s participation in his Friday Huddle fell off, and when his youth pastor called his cell phone to see how he was doing, Scott didn’t return his calls. When he and his youth pastor finally touched base, Scott said he was sorry for missing the Friday Huddles, but school and weekend soccer tournaments had taken over his schedule.
Openness and honesty always lead to a closer connection with God—and with other people. Living a lie creates distance in these relationships.
Everyone saw less and less of him until the youth pastor received an urgent call from Scott’s dad, who said he needed some help talking to Scott. It seems that Scott had been making phone calls to some 976 numbers—where he listened to live girls talk dirty and how they wanted to do certain sexual acts on his body. Scott needed a credit card to participate, so he used his father’s credit card number, which wasn’t real smart since Dad would find out sooner or later. It turned out to be sooner, because the next credit card statement was inflated to the tune of three hundred dollars!
Scott foolishly thought he could live a double life—a life for God and a life chasing sexual thrills at the same time. What he found out is that God does not bend His will or play to our self-deceptions. Instead, he discovered that God will out us, if necessary, to get our attention and refocus our hearts and minds on Him. If only Scott had exercised more honesty in his Huddle. He later said that there were several times when he felt like his deep, dark secret would leap out of his throat, but fear kept that secret locked inside.
Your relationship to God hinges on your being honest with God—and others—about what’s really happening in your life. Stop playing mind games that pollute your relationship with Christ. When God confronts you with the light of the truth, you should feel uncomfortable. Use that discomfort to realize that God is calling you to another level of honesty and closeness to Him. You are moving into the Man Zone when you desire to know—and act—upon God’s truth. As Jesus said, “I was born and entered the world so that I could witness to the truth. Everyone who cares for truth, who has any feeling for the truth, recognizes my voice” (John 18:37, MSG).
When God confronts you with the light of the truth, you should feel uncomfortable.
As you will find out in the next chapter, recognizing Jesus’s voice is one thing, but taking Him at His word and leaving the results to Him is another.
In fact, it can be downright scary.