At a Christian college in Ohio, I spoke about friendship and sexual purity—how the guys could help the gals remain sexually pure and how the gals could help the guys do the same. When I looked into the audience, I could tell by their rapt attention that this topic was very interesting to these college students. I know just as well as you do that sex is a mysterious and exciting prospect for young adults, and while it can be embarrassing to discuss in mixed company, it does need to be addressed.
Since I’m older and have spoken on sexual integrity issues for years, I felt at ease talking about sex to this group of students. I described how I struggled to be victorious, fought “the fever” as a younger man, and experienced the huge blessings of sexual integrity. I want younger audiences to connect with me as someone who knows exactly what they’re going through.
That morning in Ohio, I made the following points:
• True friends help others succeed in the area of their greatest struggle.
• Our characters cannot become more immoral and more like Christ’s at the same time.
• Sex outside of God’s plan is like spiritual anthrax—deadly.
• Every young man and woman is called and commanded to exercise sexual self-control.
• Taking liberties with or advantage of a brother or sister in Christ does not help anyone become more like Christ.
• Set down some rules in advance so that the goal of completing your sister in Christ—which is your job—will be accomplished.
After presenting this advice, I pulled back the covers on my struggles with sexual purity back in my college days, which helped me reach into this student body’s secret sins and pull back their covers without embarrassing them. Afterward, when I was done, groups of girls thanked me for taking some of the pressure off them, and lots of guys asked if they could speak confidentially with me later. I responded by posting some office hours during the afternoon to counsel guys only. I made myself available for eight thirty-minute slots, which filled up in a matter of minutes.
All eight guys felt the monkey come off their backs as they talked truthfully about their situations, looked at God’s Word, made a plan, and prayed with me
My sessions that afternoon reminded me that there was still plenty of sexual temptation out there, even at a Christian college, but I was proud of the guys who made courageous decisions to break their silence. For any God’s young man, confiding in me about a secret, a temptation, or a problem is a strong indicator that he’s serious about his relationship with Christ. It shows he’s willing to pay the price, face potential rejection, and trust God with the results.
Let me hit some highlights from that afternoon of counseling. All eight guys:
• wanted to talk about sexual temptation
• needed someone to listen to them and encourage them
• felt their lack of sexual self-control was sin
• were torn up on the inside because they had never discussed this stuff with anyone
• were nervous at first but glad they faced their fears and risked opening their hearts to another guy
• were swimming in friends but only felt safe with a total stranger they would never see again
• felt the monkey come off their backs as they talked truthfully about their situations, looked at God’s Word, made a plan, and prayed with me
• were glad they faced their fears and risked opening their hearts to another guy
Have you noticed how girls seem to have more friends and seem to do more talking? In fact, behavioral scientists say that women speak an average of thirty thousand words a day compared to men, who utter a mere ten thousand words a day. Women are built by God to process everything, and they seem predisposed to talk about their feelings. I mean, why do women seem to head off to the powder room in packs while guys just do their business in the bathroom and go?
One day I was at a nearby park with my kids, and I noticed two ladies in deep conversation. I couldn’t help but eavesdrop a little—after all, I have ears! They were talking about their families, their marriages, their kids, and just about everything a guy would never discuss with another guy. They must have jabbered for a good hour when I saw one of them look at her watch.
“Oh, my goodness, where does the time go?” she said. “I’m sorry, but I have to run along.”
What happened next blew my mind. The lady who had to leave stood up, stuck out her hand, and said, “It was so nice to meet you.”
What? I thought to myself. They just met? I hope they didn’t notice the look of surprise on my face.
We prefer to stuff our emotions, maintain a stiff upper lip, and carry on with harboring what’s really going on inside.
Women must process—everything. Ever notice in the movies how a young woman will call her best friend whenever she’s anxious or stressed out by something? The fairer sex is far more relational, nurturing, and friendly than us guys. Those qualities are part of their DNA programming—their strength, to be sure, but also their weakness—especially when they have a need to make a quick decision and there’s no time to talk it through with a friend.
Guys don’t even think about discussing their feelings or what’s churning inside with another friend. We prefer to stuff our emotions, maintain a stiff upper lip, and carry on with harboring what’s really going on inside. I know as well as you do that it’s not natural for a guy to come right out and talk about a problem, a weakness, or a temptation in his life with another guy. In fact, most young men don’t have a clue on how to connect with another guy at a deeper level, because they never saw that openness modeled in their fathers or by a prevailing culture where “strong” men keep their emotions under close wraps. “Never let them see you sweat,” is the motto we heard growing up. Guys are this way because God hardwired us to be emotionally compartmentalized and task-oriented to fulfill our roles of protector and provider when we get to the age of marriage and form families.
The result is that we’re pretty bad at dealing with our emotions. Here’s a quick list, and ask yourself if any of these hit your bull’s-eye:
• You mask anger with sarcasm.
• You avoid serious conversations by making fun of the subject.
• You “gotta go.”
• You change the scenery.
• You keep secrets.
• You avoid guilt through rationalization.
• You deflect mistakes.
• You blame others.
• You hang out with shallow people who don’t go there.
• You change the subject.
Muhammad Ali always said he was The Greatest of All Time, and on most judges’ scorecards, he probably was the greatest boxer to ever roam the square circle. His “float-like-a-butterfly-and-sting-like-a-bee” footwork and powerful jabbing style were brutally beautiful. After beating Smokin’ Joe Frazier in 1973, Ali earned the right to contend for his second heavyweight title against the reigning champion George Foreman. This fight, held in the heart of the African Congo in Kinshasa, Zaire, was labeled the Rumble in the Jungle and attracted an unprecedented worldwide audience. Although Ali talked his usual smack in the months preceding the fight, nearly every boxing expert felt like the younger, stronger Foreman would outlast and outpunch Ali, who was thirty-two years old and considered over the hill. Some even feared that Ali would exit the ring on a stretcher.
In the early stages of the fight, most observers scratched their heads in disbelief over Ali’s boxing tactics. Instead of dancing, jabbing, and outboxing Foreman—the float-like-a-butterfly-and-sting-like-a-bee strategy seen in every Ali fight up to that time—Muhammad leaned against the ropes while Foreman unleashed combination after combination to his midsection and torso. Then thirty seconds before the bell, Ali would bounce off the ropes and tag Foreman with a flurry of stinging jabs, just to remind him who was boss.
When it comes to getting honest with others about what’s really going on in their lives, many young men pull the old rope-a-dope.
The eighth round started just like previous ones—with Ali retreating to the ropes and holding his gloves up while Foreman threw haymaker hooks. As Ali absorbed the blows, Foreman’s punches were becoming more laborious when, suddenly, Ali sprang off the ropes midway through the round and took the offensive against the bigger, heavier opponent.
The momentum was all Ali’s as he made Foreman look like a bobble head with blow after blow. A roundhouse right to the jaw, and another, and Foreman began to fall, almost in slow motion, to the canvas. He got up on one knee and tried to shake the cobwebs out of his head, but he couldn’t stand up before the ten count had been given. Muhammad Ali was declared the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world before a delirious stadium full of African fans screaming, Ali bomaye!—“Ali, kill him!”
Ali’s boxing strategy became known as rope-a-dope—tiring out your opponent in order to destroy him. Today some people use the term to describe a scam or shady tactic that disguises what someone is really up to, just like Ali disguised his tactics by cowering against the ropes.
When it comes to getting honest with others about what’s really going on in their lives, many young men pull the old rope-a-dope. They use spin, employ shady tactics, or just flat-out lie to deliberately lead people to think all is well when the reality is they need help, advice, or even rescue. Consider the following situations and see if you can identify with any of them:
Tom’s dad called his cell phone to say hello. When he asked how school was going, Tom replied, “Awesome.” He failed to tell his dad that he’d been on academic probation since the beginning of the semester and would get kicked out if he didn’t pass two of his four classes.
Rope-a-dope.
Brandon finished a midterm early and walked in on Mike and Kelly while they tongue-wrestled on the couch and Kelly’s blouse was unbuttoned. After Kelly excused herself to freshen up in the bathroom, Brandon confronted his accountability partner. Mike admitted he might have been crossing the line, but he denied that it went further than first base.
Rope-a-dope.
Warren’s pastor at the Christian Life Center asked each guy in their cell group to share their number one struggle. When all eyes looked toward Warren, he talked about having a hard time trusting God. With graduation from college and an important interview with a local tech company coming up, he said he was too worried to pray and really wondered if God had a plan for his life. What Warren did not share was how his brain had been hijacked by an adult entertainment Web site and how he masturbated nightly to the images he saw on his computer screen.
Rope-a-dope.
Each of these young men has not discovered that confession—not cover-ups—move you into the Man Zone with God.
Most young men do not have the stomach for confession because it forces them to confront themselves or their actions. (Newsflash: no one likes to do that!) Revealing your dirty laundry is like showing the world your dirty underwear. No one wants to do that, so it’s better to resort to rope-a-dope. The problem is that the only one getting roped is you! Satan loves it when a young man believes his smoke screens are working, because the longer he stays unconfessed and self-deceived, the longer he can keep inflicting losses on someone who could be living for God.
Which reminds me of a little list I came up with:
The Top Ten Reasons Satan Wants You to Keep Secrets
10. You lose out on the support God provides in the body of Christ.
9. You lose confidence spiritually.
8. You lose the ability to develop self-control, and you repeat the cycle of sin.
7. You lose fellowship with the Holy Spirit.
6. You lose your connection to the truth.
5. You lose credibility with others.
4. You lose intimacy with your family.
3. You lose intimacy with others (it’s not the real you).
2. You lose days, weeks, months, even years of joy and peace.
1. You lose intimacy with God.
Confession is all about breaking the silence and risking being found out. If this sounds scary and difficult, it is for two reasons:
1. Satan will bombard you with fearful thoughts of rejection or shame to get you to stay in the lie and keep everything unconfessed. Secrets are a foothold for him and give the devil power in your life.
2. Secrets are often the last hot gate of personal control in a young man’s life. Satan loves to give you the illusion of power and control over your life by holding back certain parts from accountability. It’s scary and feels uncomfortable because there’s so much to lose if this spiritual foothold is won back for God. That’s why confession is so courageous.
Bringing the real problems and temptations you face into the open means you can receive real help from God and His people to defeat sin in your life. Your closely held secret (or secrets) can be the source of continuing misery or the key to the most significant spiritual victory of your young life. I look at confession as giving Satan a bloody nose, and that’s what happens when you punch back with God’s truth.
Confession is all about breaking the silence and risking being found out.
If you think I’m off base on this, just listen to how strongly God encourages His people to practice the discipline of confession with Him and others, then make a note of the consequences. My italics are in the places where you need to slow your eyes down:
People who cover over their sins will not prosper. But if they confess and forsake them, they will receive mercy. (Proverbs 28:13, NLT)
If we say we have no sin, we are only fooling ourselves and refusing to accept the truth. But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from every wrong. (1 John 1:8-9, NLT)
Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed. (James 5:16, MSG)
But you desire honesty from the heart, so you can teach me to be wise in my inmost being. (Psalm 51:6, NLT)
God requires confession. The reason why is that you cannot get close to Him or to His people when you are withholding a huge part of yourself from them. He wants maximum closeness with you, and confession brings you to that place.
Another truth to consider is that confession is not for God’s benefit (He knows all your secrets anyway), but confession will definitely benefit you. He knows that the longer you hold on to a secret, the sicker your character becomes, and the sicker your character becomes, the sicker your conduct will become. When your actions reflect the sickness of your secrets, it not only breaks your relationship with God, but it also ruins your relationships with others.
Lastly, confession must involve other believers. In your case, that means other guys. The passage from James does not leave any wiggle room on this when it says to confess your sins “to each other and pray for each other.” Why does God put us in this uncomfortable place?
First, it requires faith. Confession is a huge step of faith that will cause you to stick your neck out there for God and trust Him like never before. Second, your problems become more concrete and real when they’re put out in the open versus some issue you debate only in your own mind.
Third, confession takes you off your convenient and comfortable timetable for dealing with sin and puts you on track for resolving the issue more quickly since it’s out in the open. Fourth, confession to another guy or group of guys generates healthy accountability, which affects how you think about and act toward whatever’s causing you to sin.
Confession is not for God’s benefit (He knows all your secrets anyway), but confession will definitely benefit you.
Fifth, confession brings encouragement and good advice from other brothers. (I experience this regularly with college guys at my conferences.) Lastly, honest confession provides courage to come out of hiding for others struggling with the same problem.
Rich approached me and asked to speak in private. When we got out of earshot of the other guys, he put it straight to me: “I really wonder what’s in it for me if I come clean about masturbation and surfing adult Web sites with my college group. Won’t people be angry with me since I’ve got this junk in my life and I’m supposed to be a leader? Can’t I just come clean with you and that’s it?”
“Do you want victory?” I replied.
“Absolutely,” he said.
“Then here’s what you say to your group: ‘This is the first time I have shared this with anyone, but I have something important to tell you …’ and then share what you need to share. Don’t stop until everything is all on the table. I guarantee you that you’ll feel your heart racing a mile a minute, and every fiber in your being will want you to run, but I think you should just go for it.”
“That’s it?” he questioned.
“That’s it. Then I want you to call me and tell me what happened.”
I knew that confession would be a step of faith for Rich, but I also knew that God would invade that moment. All of the things God loves are present in an honest confession: truth, faith, humility, courage, risk, and love for God’s way versus man’s way.
It doesn’t take any faith to keep a secret. It doesn’t take any courage to hide a problem. Any coward can rope-a-dope; only the courageous can confess.
About a week later Rich called me. “I was fighting it on the inside, just like you said. But then another guy opened the door by talking about how he got spammed by a porn site and he took the bait. That’s when I jumped into the water.”
“So what happened?”
“This big guy named Jerry said, ‘Finally, I’ve been waiting for you to say something I believe. Welcome to the club.’ ”
“What else?”
“Oh, we finished our study and prayed for everybody’s stuff. One of the guys offered to come to my dorm room and help me download this software that we can use to check on one another. I feel like a big load just fell off my back. No more secrets, dude.”
Rich discovered the power of confession the same way the apostle Paul did when God said to him, “My power works best in your weakness.” When Paul realized the power that comes with confession, he shared his discovery with others when he wrote, “So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me” (2 Corinthians 12:9, NLT). He was saying that when God’s young man is at his most vulnerable place—when he’s out there risking it all—that’s the moment when God’s power flows into his life in the most real way. Confession unlocks this power.
It doesn’t take any faith to keep a secret. It doesn’t take any courage to hide a problem. Any coward can rope-a-dope; only the courageous can confess. But where do you find the boldness, the courage to do that? Jesus told His guys the power to be bold comes from one source: the Holy Spirit. We’ll unpack that statement in our next chapter.