Many people, when they reach Stage Five, let out a big sigh of relief. They think the drama of the affair is behind them: their partner has decided to either “work on the relationship” or “give it another try.” After the drama, pain and naked passion of the past weeks and months, everything seems normal. However, it is all on the surface. I’ve called this stage “Attempted Normality” because couples desperately want their lives back in the old familiar patterns but there is no trust, no real understanding of what happened, and no sense of how to get from here to the future—beyond a general desire to “try harder.” In effect, they have not engaged with the three fundamental beliefs that underpin our lives (introduced in the first chapter), which are ruptured by the discovery of an affair:
1. The world is benevolent. (Good things happen to good people.)
2. The world is meaningful. (There is a plan and things happen for a reason.)
3. I am worthy. (Therefore good things will happen to me.)
In effect, these couples fear that the world is malevolent. (Terrible things happen to people who are trying their best.) The world is meaningless. (Why did it happen to me?) I feel worthless. (If I was truly loved, none of this would have happened.)
So my advice when you reach Stage Five is to enjoy your snatched moments of normality. You deserve a rest on this long and arduous journey, but do not be surprised when difficult emotions disturb your Attempted Normality or life seems strangely flat and gray. In many ways, this step is rather like the months before discovering your partner’s affair. On the one hand, everything feels normal, but on the other, there is this worrying “can’t quite put my finger on it” sensation. A vital piece of the jigsaw is missing but you are not certain what. The last time you experienced something similar you were about to discover that your partner had been cheating. Therefore, it is not surprising that many Discoverers leap to the conclusion that the affair has started up again or, in fact, never finished. Sometimes, this can be true.
However, in the majority of the cases that I counsel, something entirely different is happening. Deep down, people know that the journey is not over. There is more learning needed to reach recovery, to reestablish a sense of the world as benevolent and to trust again. In effect, this is the missing piece of the jigsaw and will be the central theme of the next two chapters. But first, I want to look further at your disquiet and the fear that all your progress is about to unravel. These feelings are so strong—almost primeval—that my rational explanations will probably not be enough to soothe them. Worse still, these feelings can actually derail the healing process. So what’s going on?
Aftershock
In geology, the first earthquake is normally the worst but it is common for smaller aftershocks to follow. These are particularly dangerous because they are unpredictable and can collapse buildings that have already been damaged by the main shock. In many ways, the discovery of an affair is like an earthquake in a relationship. The aftershock normally comes in the lull after the drama of assessing the damage and rescuing the marriage, and when everything appears to be returning to normal. As with a real earthquake, relationship aftershocks undermine unstable structures—in this case truces or pacts to “try harder” and preliminary attempts to rebuild trust. So what causes aftershocks?
In some cases, it is very straightforward. The Discoverer has been told or uncovered something about the affair, or the third party is back on the scene in some way. More often, the origin of the aftershock is harder to pin down and seems to come out of nowhere. Whatever the cause, these feelings are incredibly uncomfortable. Most people just want them to go away, so they employ three different strategies: suppression, obsession, and hypervigilance.
Suppression
Around this time in counseling, my clients often arrive with long faces. There’s no need to ask how their week has gone, it is written on their faces. Normally, the Discoverer will confess that “things are terrible” and the Discovered will complain, “We’ve been arguing over the most stupid things.” These setbacks are particularly worrying for my clients because on the surface everything seemed to be going so well. In reality, one or both partners have been suppressing their feelings and, in particular, their anxiety or guilt.
A good example are Oliver and Samantha, in their early thirties with two elementary-school-aged children. Five months previously, Oliver had several sexual encounters with one of Samantha’s friends. His first reaction had been to minimize the affair: “It didn’t mean that much” and “I think you’re overreacting.” These are typical suppressions. However, during counseling, he had opened up and admitted to Samantha and himself that he had betrayed his wife, spoilt her friendship, and made it impossible for his children to see their old playmates again. However, during Attempted Normality, he began to shut down again. “I don’t see the point of bringing this up over and over again. I feel guilty enough as it is. It just upsets Samantha and I can’t see the point.”
Again these are typical comments from someone using suppression to cope with difficult emotions. The situation had become worse because Samantha had also begun to suppress her feelings too: “I don’t want to keep going on and on at Oliver.” However, she still had a long way to go before she could reach recovery.
When there is a lot of suppression, and the feelings are bubbling away under the surface, it only takes something minor—like a tone of voice—to set off a nasty argument. Small issues can trigger black moods and sometimes even days of misery. When a couple finally start talking again they cannot understand how and why the row started. Worse still, they think, “If we can’t get on over little things, how on earth are we going to solve the big ones?”
To explain what’s happening, I have broken down one of Samantha and Oliver’s arguments. At ten o’clock one Saturday morning, Oliver was about to switch on the family computer, answer his emails, and do his banking. Samantha brought him a coffee and they took a break from their morning duties on the patio together. After a few moments of strained silence, she drained her cup and decided to cut the grass. He was annoyed, because it was his job and he tried to placate her by getting out the trimmer to do the edges of the grass. This strategy failed. They spent the next twenty-four hours ignoring each other, being overly polite or sniping. Does this sound familiar? How could something so normal go so wrong? Here is what was said at the time and I’ve also added in what was happening under the surface.
Samantha: “Let’s go and have our coffee in the garden.” What she really meant: I need to talk about the affair but I don’t want to do it in front of the children.
Oliver: “Okay.” Instead of switching on the computer, he picks up his laptop and takes it outside on to the patio. What he is communicating with this body language: I’ve got a lot of things to do. Let’s not spoil the weekend by raking over old territory.
They go outside and sit in silence for a while.
Samantha is thinking: Here’s your chance to talk about the affair, our progress so far, counseling, how to move forward. Anything. Don’t just sit there.
Oliver has his laptop on his knees but he has not switched it on. What he is communicating with this body language: I’m not keen on this [the laptop is like a barrier between them] but if you must, go ahead. I’ve shown that I’m willing to listen because I have not switched the computer on.
The silence builds.
Samantha is thinking: Why is it always me who has to do all the work? He goes off and has an affair but it’s me who has to pick up the pieces. She gives him a daggers look. What she is communicating with this body language: Put away the laptop.
Oliver knows that she is angry about the laptop but does nothing. It was she who wanted to talk about the bloody affair and now she’s just sitting there. I knew this was a bad idea—all we do is go over the same old ground.
Samantha drains her coffee cup. What she is communicating with this body language: So I’m not going to have your undivided attention and you’re not going to talk. Have it your own way. See if I care.
She goes off and prepares to cut the lawn. What she is thinking: I’ve got better things to do than sit around—unlike you. [After all, cutting the lawn is his job.] What she is communicating with this body language: I can manage without you.
Oliver tries to stop her: “I was just about to get around to that.” What he is thinking: Give me a chance.
She ignores his pleas. What she is communicating with this body language: I’m punishing you for making me miserable, for not talking when I needed you to, and for having the affair in the first place.
Oliver gets out the trimmer. What he is communicating with this body language: I’m sorry. Let me cut the grass. At least let me help you.
They angrily garden together. What she is communicating with this body language: After how you’ve treated me, you can’t buy me off with a pathetic little gesture like that. What he is communicating with this body language: Can’t you see I’m trying?
They put away the gardening equipment. What she is thinking: How can we move forward if he refuses to talk. What’s the point? What he is thinking: I can’t do anything right. What’s the point?
Less than a dozen words have been spoken out loud, but a furious row has been conducted below the surface. Interestingly, they both ended up feeling the same despair. However, rather than being able to reach out to each other, they retreated into their own separate routines. Nothing was resolved, even when they started to talk the next morning. When I reconstructed the silent row in the counseling room, Oliver and Samantha were actually very good at reading each other’s body language but were powerless to stop the row escalating. This is because:
• Body language is open to misinterpretation.
• We are often not aware of all the layers of meaning in even our own body language.
• Body language is easy to dispute. Even if one person says, “You are looking hostile,” the other can easily claim, “There’s nothing wrong with me.”
In the final part of this exercise, I asked Samantha and Oliver to have the same conversation but bring the subtext (the body language and unspoken communication) up to the surface. This is what happened:
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Samantha: |
“There are a couple of things that are really getting me down and this would be a good opportunity to talk.” |
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Oliver: |
“Is this really such a good time? The kids are around and I don’t want to spoil their day with a row. Couldn’t we talk about it later?” |
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Samantha: |
“If you really mean it.” |
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Oliver: |
“Yes. After the children are in bed.” |
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Samantha: |
“Okay.” |
In this way, Samantha and Oliver not only expressed themselves more clearly but were also finally able to negotiate. They also learnt that the small things had been connected to larger issues, but without this understanding they could neither cooperate on the gardening nor reconcile their different approaches to resolving the adultery.
If you or your partner have been suppressing feelings or worries, use the making-up phase after a row to delve behind the immediate trigger point to discuss underlying tensions.
Obsession
This aftershock is the polar opposite of suppression. Instead of trying to forget, someone using this coping mechanism will go over the affair again and again, looking for the “killer” piece of information that will help make sense of their pain. Sometimes this is because the Discovered has held details back (either out of supposed kindness or to protect themselves) or has been so guarded that it is difficult to reconstruct the affair. If this sounds familiar, reread “How to tackle your partner” and “Improve your communication style” in Stage One: Shock and Disbelief.
However, a more common reason for obsession during Attempted Normality is that the Discoverer is dealing with flashbacks. These can be triggered by something specific—like infidelity on a soap opera, a celebrity story in social media, or the Discovered being late home—but they frequently come out of nowhere. Flashbacks are involuntary, vivid images which bring back all the most traumatic moments of betrayal. “I’d be walking upstairs to put away the laundry and suddenly, out of nowhere, I’d be gripped by the idea that she had walked up these stairs and I’d feel humiliated all over again,” explained Imogen, thirty-five. “The pictures were so intense that I’d want to tear up the carpet or burn the bed where he and she had copulated together.” There are two common responses to these flashbacks: flooding and overthinking.
Flooding
The emotions are so intense and overwhelming that the Discoverer has to get rid of them. There seems only one solution: to pour them all out on the Discovered. After all, the Discoverer will later reason: It’s good to express my feelings. This is true, but only up to a point. When someone is flooded, all rational thought is swept away, and the emotions come out in one unthinking torrent.
“I’d call Gabriel terrible names and tell him horrible things—like I would never forgive him—which actually weren’t true,” explained Imogen. “But my anger would just build and build and out would come this stuff that I didn’t actually feel. I knew things were getting better but once on my rant there was no stopping me.”
Rather than being a healing release—which can happen if someone has been suppressing their feelings—these outpourings pump up the anger and make things worse. In Gabriel and Imogen’s case, the flooding was particularly harmful because Gabriel became flooded too. “I would think ‘She’s right, you’re a complete and utter bastard, how could you have been so selfish?’ and I’d be overwhelmed with guilt and self-hatred,” said Gabriel, “and I’d forget all the progress that we’d made.” At least in this case, the lines of communication remained open. Normally, when the Discoverer rants, the Discovered will suppress his or her feelings and try to contain an out-of-control situation. This only increases the Discoverer’s tendency to flood. So what can be done?
If you have a tendency to flood, the first job is to calm your thoughts. In this way, you will not be sucked downward into this self-defeating and destructive spiral. With Imogen, I asked her to prepare a positive current image to counterbalance the negative flashback. “I could remember this day out by the seaside and how he’d booked a table at a restaurant that I’d read about in the paper,” said Imogen. “It really showed how much he was thinking and listening to me and we had a wonderful day together.”
The next week, Imogen and Gabriel felt more positive: “I had a flashback but I immediately substituted it for the moment he squeezed my hand in the restaurant—that and the taste of their crayfish linguine.” It is important to make the positive picture as detailed as possible, so stay in the moment and think about all your senses: tastes, smells, and sounds as well as sights. However, Imogen had not completely ignored her feelings. In the evening, she told Gabriel that she’d had a difficult day and they had a cuddle on the couch. “I felt reassured that he did love me and was trying to make things better and actually he didn’t need to hear all the stuff going on in my head.” (There is more about this in the exercise “Getting on the same page.”) Other ways of combating flooding include:
• Putting up your mental STOP sign and rescheduling the thoughts for later in the day. Often, when the time comes, there will be nothing to consider or just some small thing that needs calmly discussing.
• Riding the wave. Tell yourself, this is a natural response to stress and although it will be painful, I will cope and come out the other side. Afterward, read positive self-help books or go for a run and burn off some of the worry.
• Learn to self-soothe. Instead of using your partner or friends (who can unthinkingly build up your sense of being the injured party) to take the edge of your feelings, learn to calm yourself down. This could be pampering yourself, doing something that you’re good at (which rebuilds your self-worth), or losing yourself in an engrossing hobby.
• Keep a journal and pour out all your feelings to yourself. Later, you can read through and pick out any essentials that need to be communicated to your partner. It is also useful to go back over the journal and see how much progress has been made.
Overthinking
The second kind of obsession is the flip side of the first. While flooding is a very emotional response, overthinking is a very rational one. From childhood, we have been trained to “think it through,” explore all the options and come to a calm, considered decision. Certainly, it is useful for mathematical problems, the causes of the Hundred Years War and the first stages after discovering an affair. However, there is a very fine line between analyzing and dwelling on a problem, and, by Stage Five, thinking about the problem is not necessarily an asset. In fact, it can easily tip into being destructive.
Charlotte, thirty-five, had always considered her ability to reason with a problem as an asset. When she discovered that her husband had been cheating with one of her best friends, she found out the facts and quickly came to the conclusion that she should tell her friend’s husband. She had no problems deciding the right formula and dispatched the task as swiftly and with as much compassion as possible. As her friend had done much of the running, her husband, Michael, was truly sorry and because the adultery had happened on only a handful of occasions, Charlotte decided to give her marriage another try. She researched her options for counseling and contacted a couple counseling service.
However, by the couple’s fourth session, she was beginning to become more and more depressed. She wanted to know why he had been unfaithful. What was Michael’s reaction? “He tries to be patient, but he soon gets angry.” “But you keep asking questions that I can’t answer. I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you why I did it.” Michael’s best guess was that he and Charlotte were “taking each other for granted.” However, Charlotte could not believe that he could jeopardize their marriage and the happiness of their children on such a flimsy pretext. “What more do you want? I don’t know!” Michael flat-walled. The couple lapsed into gloomy silence.
“What are you trying to achieve from these questions?” I asked Charlotte. As I guessed, she was looking for more than answers. “Reassurance that everything will be okay,” she explained. “Except, we end up arguing and I feel worse but asking questions is the only way to get things out of my head.” What else could she do? Charlotte thought for a moment: “Ask him for a cuddle and then tell him about my fears.” During the next week, she did indeed try this approach and on several occasions Michael gave her a hug without her asking. The week went much better and the couple made big strides toward recovery.
If this sounds familiar, you are probably not just looking for reassurance. Under all the turmoil, there are often one or two simple questions or problems, but they are lost as all the hurt is pumped up by overthinking. This is why I recommend writing down your thoughts. No matter how small or stupid, put it down on paper and keep going. It is almost as if you are taking dictation; don’t question, just write it down until there is nothing left in your head. Here is what Charlotte wrote down when the other woman dropped off her older child at the school where Charlotte works:
Stomach turns.
I can’t believe she kissed him.
I can’t believe she went behind my back.
I’ll never get over this.
All the planning that went into courting him.
How dare she show her face.
I can’t believe that she thinks her life will carry on as before.
Should I talk to her?
As I expected, underneath all the overthinking, there was one serious question and it needed an answer. Should I talk to her? This is Charlotte’s answer: Yes, but I don’t want to make a scene when the children are around. What would it really achieve? Later, when the other woman brought her younger child to look around the classroom where Charlotte was a teaching assistant, she wrote:
Shock.
Can’t believe she’s going to carry on regardless.
She could easily send the child to another local school.
I’m always going to get ambushed by this woman.
Panic.
Get a grip on yourself.
Should I tell the School Principal?
This was her answer to the question about telling the Head:
I don’t know.
Charlotte learnt some important lessons from this exercise:
• When everything was down on paper, she was surprised that there were fewer items than expected.
• With the thoughts no longer circling her mind but down on paper, she could test their accuracy. For example, she amended “I’ll never get over this” to the more accurate: “At the moment, I feel like I will never get over this.” Although this is only a small difference, it makes the problem more contained and more soluble.
• She could also dispute facts: “I’m always going to get ambushed.” Obviously she will not always be ambushed. One day the child will grow up and leave school. Other words that suggest exaggeration are: “never,” “forever,” “must,” and “should.” (To challenge the last two words, ask yourself: who says you must or should? Could it be that you can choose to do something rather than be compelled? Another small but significant change.)
• Charlotte also realized that she did own a STOP signal and could train herself not to become obsessive. In this case, it was because she had a class of small children who needed her attention and “got a grip.” However, she could also use this trick at home too.
• Finally, she learnt that she did not necessarily have to answer her questions immediately. She could take them home and discuss them with Michael. (On whether to confide in the Head Teacher or not, they decided to let things ride for a while and later reassess whether Charlotte was still having problems.) “After our discussions, I felt that we were a team working together again,” Charlotte fed back into the next counseling session.
Hypervigilance
The third kind of aftershock response often goes hand-in-hand with obsession. The Discoverer is hyperalert, easily startled, and has trouble sleeping. When the telephone rings, the Discoverer jumps—expecting more bad news. People with hypervigilance keep going through their partner’s pockets for clues, keep checking emails, and often turn themselves into a full-time detective. I have known these partners to befriend the third party and go away on vacation with them (in order to discover more facts about the affair); to bribe security at their partner’s office (in order to go through CCTV footage); and to monitor from the office car lot who sat where at an interoffice meeting, involving the Discovered and the third party. Obviously these are extreme examples but many people become consumed by doublechecking their partner’s movements and correspondence.
So what’s going on? The hypervigilant were so hurt by their partner’s betrayal that they are determined to guard against it ever happening again. At this point in the recovery process, the only way to keep their partner faithful is either to be with them twenty-four seven or to check their every move. Every deviation from normality (however small or innocent), every fresh contact from the third party (however tangential), every new fact about the affair that is excavated (however insignificant), becomes exaggerated and is produced as evidence that the Discovered is not to be trusted.
For example, when Tony confessed to Jodie, he never expected to be fighting over “lies” six months later. “I agreed to have no more contact with the other woman—and I haven’t,” he explained. However, he bumped into her when collecting their child from school. “I didn’t say anything. I didn’t acknowledge her and didn’t think any more about it. Okay, I didn’t report this to Jodie because, frankly, there was nothing to report.” Unfortunately for Tony, one of Jodie’s friends saw the encounter and told her. She was furious. “How can I trust you, if you lie to me?” she complained in the couple’s weekly counseling session. “At the very worst, it was an omission,” Tony fought back, “but nothing happened! What do you want me to do? Give a list of every woman I see when I’m not with you?” He folded his arms. “I’m not worried about everyone, just that woman,” said Jodie.
Their argument had been going around in circles for days—but at least they were arguing. Often the issue goes underground because the more one partner becomes hypervigilant, the more the other becomes secretive—not to cover up any infidelity but because no one has the energy to justify every minute of their day. So how can you break this circle?
I asked Jodie and Tony to swap seats and make their partner’s case. Tony explained that Jodie thought the casual contact would lead to them starting the affair again. “No, I don’t think you’d be stupid enough. But if you hadn’t ‘omitted’ to tell me how she’d given you little presents and taken you for a birthday coffee and cake—then I could have stepped in before you were sucked into an affair.” Finally, Tony understood that Jodie had been more upset by the lies (and his lack of honesty) than his being sexually unfaithful. When Jodie made Tony’s case she said: “If I’d told you I’d bumped into her, I’d have had days of grief.” Finally, Jodie understood that her reaction to any news about the other woman made it harder for Tony to be frank.
By going deeper into their underlying fears about honesty, rather than trying to prove or disprove something, they found a compromise: Tony agreed to make a full disclosure and Jodie agreed to keep a sense of proportion about what she heard. Their relationship quickly improved and they ended counseling with not only better overall communication but also a deeper love for each other.
If you are currently trapped in hypervigilance, here are some questions to ask yourself:
1. How reliable is the information that I find? It is easy to misinterpret emails and texts, as it is impossible to know if someone is being flippant or serious. Could you be pumping up your fears unnecessarily?
2. Do I really need to know everything? What if you uncover something that will haunt you or seriously derail your recovery? “I found a CD containing very graphic nude images of the other woman about four months after the affair. He had forgotten about it,” said Bethany, twenty-eight. “After seeing that, I found sex very disturbing for many months as the images kept popping into my head. Even now, I still struggle with it from time to time, and I can’t bear him performing certain sexual acts on me as I know full well that the other woman enjoyed doing that with him.”
3. How could I cut back? Checking is addictive. The more that you uncover, the more it will pump up your suspicions and the more you will check. So try and break the cycle by distracting yourself: watch a favorite TV program or phone a friend instead. If you cannot cut back, concentrate on understanding the modus operandi of the affair (how your partner found the time to be away and how she or he kept everything secret) rather than uncovering all the details. By knowing the “how,” you are in a better place to stop it from happening again.
4. What alternative ways are there of self-soothing? The idea is to find other ways, beyond worrying, to undo the knot in your stomach. I have had clients who started lap swimming (to occupy their bodies) and others who have learnt poetry by heart (to occupy their minds). What could you do?
Inquisitor versus accused
The most common pattern of dealing with the aftershock of discovery is for the person who had the affair to suppress and for their partner to obsess or be hypervigilant. Under these circumstances, each party will slide into totally different mindsets that drive them farther and farther apart.
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Accused |
Inquisitor |
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“How can we move on if you can’t forget?” |
“How can I move on if you won’t talk about it?” |
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“I’ve apologized a million times, what more can I do?” |
“You never acknowledge how hurt I’m feeling.” |
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“We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” |
“I need to know what’s on the other side to feel safe.” |
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“Can’t we just move on?” |
“It feels like you’re blaming me for our problems.” |
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“I forget the details.” |
“You’re trying to shut me out.” |
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“I love you, isn’t that enough?” |
“It’s not that simple.” |
To further underline how destructive a relationship becomes when a couple get stuck in the accused and inquisitor rut, here are two replies from my research into adultery.
“Naturally, she used the affair and aspects of it against me. I was besieged in a castle, except I was giving her the ammunition for the siege engines,” says Jimmy, thirty-six. “And telling her once wasn’t enough either. We had to go over and over the detail. Sometimes she would be in so much of a state that she couldn’t take it in fully the first time around. So she would ask again and I’d get frustrated, she would become enraged and I just wanted to forget.”
If it sounds bad to be on the receiving end of the inquisition, the powerlessness of not knowing is equally painful. “I thought that I’d found out most of what happened in the first few days,” says Janice, forty-two, about the four-month affair her husband had with a work colleague. “However, six months later, I got a call from his cell phone which had gone off in his pocket by accident, so I could overhear his business lunch. A divine being warning me, I think. I had asked him in a letter two days before not to have any social interaction with her, but here they were, entertaining clients together! I was so crazy by the time he spoke to me that he left his meeting and came straight home.” The whole situation was made worse because her husband was the line manager of the other woman. “Even though he told me that it stopped the minute I found out, the thought of him talking to her every day made me sick with jealousy. After months of excuses, while first she and then he were supposed to be looking for a new job, I gave them an ultimatum: if she wasn’t gone by Christmas, I would tell her husband and throw my husband out.” The other woman finally left, twenty months after discovery, but even now Janice still has questions. “I still have lots of doubts and anxieties but cannot bring them up because it is all in the past—but life without him would be worse as we actually get along really well and we don’t argue any more.”
So how do you solve the inquisitor versus accused dilemma? The best way to understand this problem is to think of two people on a seesaw. The more one person pushes down on their side, the more their partner goes up on their side. Therefore the more the inquisitor demands answers, the more defensive the accused will become. Conversely, the more the accused becomes defensive, the more the inquisitor will press for answers. Fortunately, there is an alternative:
• When there is a moment of truce, talk about the inquisitor versus accused seesaw and make a pact to find a balanced middle way.
• Acknowledge the progress that has been made in your recovery and thank your partner for the changes in his or her behavior that have brought you to this point.
• Try and be proportionate in your anger. There is a difference between discovering some old sin (for example, an email from when the affair was active where your partner poured out his or her heart) and a recent sin (for example, not telling you about some new contact from the third party).
• Frame your anxieties so they are focused on your relationship today, rather than on the past affair. For example, instead of “How could you have written that to her?,” change it to “I wish you’d tell me stuff like that,” or “What could I do to make it easier for you to open up to me too?”
• Regularly tell your partner that you are committed to making the relationship better.
• Look at “Question time” in the exercise section.
At stalemate
Sometimes, couples get stuck in the Attempted Normality stage. Both partners are reasonably civil and can cooperate on basic day-to-day issues, but sex is sporadic (or nonexistent) and their love is hidden under layers of hurt and miscommunication. Normally, one half of the couple desperately wants to improve the relationship and get closer but the other is holding back for fear of being hurt again. If nothing is done, these couples will gradually slide from being stuck to becoming toxic.
William, forty-eight, had concentrated on providing for his four children so he had been too busy to notice that his wife, Patsy, was dissatisfied or, later, that she was having an affair. After the infidelity was uncovered—when William had borrowed Patsy’s cell phone—Patsy gave up her lover but only made half-hearted attempts to save their marriage.
The first counseling session was with William only. He was very matter of fact: “It makes no sense to break up the family. The children are happy and I’ve worked hard to provide a good lifestyle—a nice home, foreign vacations, and it’s not as if we don’t get on.” I could understand why his wife was not falling over herself to make a go of their relationship. “I don’t think anyone ever manned the barricades for good sense and a nice lifestyle,” I told him. “It’s hardly a great rallying cry.”
William slipped from business-like into depressed and for the first time, I saw the person behind the facade. Slowly, he admitted that he found it hard to show his feelings. “Does your wife know how you feel about her?” I asked. “We’ve been together since we were twenty so she should do,” he replied. “But have you shown her what’s inside?” He shook his head.
The Greek Philosopher Aristotle (384–322 BC) laid out the fundamentals for good rhetoric—the art of being persuasive—with his Tripartite Ideal and it is still the secret of breaking out of stalemate today. Aristotle writes about using pathos (emotion), logos (argument), and ethos (character—who you are and how you behave). William, for example, had been using only logos: all the rational, practical reasons for staying together. So I helped him unpack his emotions and learn to communicate them. At this point, Patsy joined counseling but, although their relationship improved, she remained unconvinced about their long-term future. However, an argument over childcare proved the way into looking at ethos (character). “He was even grudging about taking his sick son to the doctor’s,” Patsy complained. “I wanted to take him because it was a chance to get to know him better,” William countered. “You had a funny way of showing it,” replied Patsy. “I just didn’t like being ordered rather than asked,” said William.
It soon became clear that William was not backing up his emotional pleas and his sound reasons for trying again with action. In other words, Patsy doubted his character. “It’s all empty words,” she finished. Once William realized his mistake, and started concentrating on ethos, the couple made giant strides and were able to progress to the next stage of recovery.
Resuming your sex life together
If you have reached Attempted Normality and not resumed full sexual relations, this is a good time to build bridges. The next stage will be challenging and a satisfying love life will provide consolation and bonding. So what stops couples making love again? Sometimes the problem is practical—still sleeping in separate beds. Sometimes it is emotional—the Discoverer is still too angry. However, most commonly, couples need to learn to be intimate again.
Dominic, thirty-five, had an affair shortly after his wife Danielle, thirty-two, had a baby. Although they had resumed intercourse after the birth, Danielle lost all desire when she discovered his Internet affair. Six months later, they had weathered the storm and although during their counseling sessions they discussed the possibility of making love again, nothing had happened yet.
“I feel that it is up to Danielle to make the first move,” said Dominic, “she knows that I find her really attractive. But rather than pressurizing, like I did before, I will wait for her.”
Danielle was confident that the desire would be there: “I really used to enjoy our lovemaking and found it really fulfilling.” However, she lacked confidence: “I don’t want to lead him on and then reject him again.” Like many couples in this situation, they were stuck in an “all-or-nothing syndrome.” They would avoid casual physical intimacy—like a cuddle on the couch, having a bath together, or a back rub—in case either partner saw this as an invitation to intercourse. However, without this kind of togetherness, it is impossible for desire to build and turn into lovemaking. So in our counseling session, we decided to ban intercourse for the next week. This might sound strange but knowing that cuddles can be enjoyed for their own sake will often free a couple. I knew this had been a success when Dominic and Danielle returned with smiles on their faces. They had also teased each other about not being able to go further and turned it into a game. (This is always a positive sign as good sex needs just this sense of fun and play.)
The next week, we went from cuddles—fully clothed on the couch—to being naked together and massaging each other (but not touching sexual organs). In week three, we removed the ban and Dominic and Danielle had intercourse. “I really felt that she desired me again,” said Dominic. “I’d begun to think she only wanted me back as a father to the children.” Danielle was pleased at the shift too: “Previously I’d told him that I’d forgiven him but letting myself be open with my body proved to my head that I really meant it.”
FOR THE DISCOVERED: ATTEMPTED NORMALITY
• At Stage Five, it is easy to get frustrated. Despite all your best efforts, the affair still seems to hang between the two of you on a daily basis.
• Your natural inclination may be to keep your head down and try not to rock the boat. However, suppressing your feelings will only make your partner more anxious and more likely to obsess or compulsively check up.
• Try and meet your partner halfway, by continuing to be accountable but calmly explaining what kind of checking makes you particularly uncomfortable or annoyed. Could you make a trade where your partner will do “x” for you and you will do “y” for her or him in return?
• If you seem unable to get a fair hearing from your partner, it could be that you are relying on just one of the three ways of making a case: intellectual, emotional, or character. So look back at your previous attempts: Have you been too rational? Have you kept your emotions to yourself or conversely used emotional blackmail? Does what you say about working on the relationship and what you actually do match up? How could you change?
• If this stage seems hardgoing, do not be downhearted. Your partner, and maybe you, too, are still dealing with the aftershock of the discovery of your affair. This time is not a predictor for how things will be in the future.
New skill: Looking beneath the surface
Although we know that life is complicated, we much prefer to keep things simple. So when there is a problem, we tend to latch on to the most obvious explanation. If we are stressed or frightened, we are even more likely to concentrate on the surface. However, by this stage in your recovery, you should be a little more relaxed and able to look deeper and be aware of the multitude of factors that drive our behavior.
Let’s take something relatively simple, like purchasing a big-ticket item (a car or a large electrical item). List all the factors that influenced your last decision: price, performance, energy efficiency, appearance, advice from friends, opinions of experts, reputation of manufacturer, etc. Which item on your list was the most important? How did the factors reinforce or cancel each other out? Would your partner use the same criteria? How would she or he differ? Even with something that is not life-changing, like buying a freezer, there is a multitude of factors affecting our choice.
Now take a current issue between you and your partner: What factors do you think are driving her or his behavior? Try and think of as many as possible. Any more? Next, rank them in order of importance. Finally, try and add other possible reasons. What fresh perspective does this give you? Had you originally opted for the simplest or most obvious reason?
Unfortunately, our take on what motivates our partner can, over time, be transformed from just an opinion into a hardened fact. Ultimately, it is better to be kind and give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
Summary
• After the drama of the first three stages, and the relief of the fourth, couples begin to relax and any pent-up anxiety is released.
• Many people experience an aftershock. Although the relationship seems normal again, it has not been repaired.
• There are three different common reactions to pain: suppression (withdrawing and numbing feelings); obsession (repeatedly going over the emotions and the facts of betrayal); and being hyperalert (forever expecting the next attack). This is a normal response to acute stress but nevertheless is very painful and risks derailing the healing process.
• The aftermath of an affair puts a lot of demands on couples’ ability to communicate. The solution is always to look deeper—away from the most obvious cause of division—to face hidden worries, issues, and problems. This skill will be vital for the next stage too.
EXERCISES
On a day-to-day basis, I’m the one who is the ...
We all have roles to play in our life and in our relationship. Read through the following list and circle all the words that sound familiar. Next, go back and put a tick by the ones that you still feel comfortable doing and a cross beside the ones you wish to drop. For the third time round, underline all the roles or behaviors that you might like to take on in the future.
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Organizer |
Thinker |
Bread winner |
Dogsbody |
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Martyr |
Saint |
Sensible |
In charge |
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Second Mate |
Outcast |
Lonely wanderer |
Exhibitionist |
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On call |
Rebel |
Wet blanket |
Winner |
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Loser |
Slave driver |
Slave |
Seducer |
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Seductress |
Trash can |
Invisible |
Victim |
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Rescuer |
Persecutor |
Freak |
Comic |
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Entertainer |
Superreasonable |
Put upon |
Scapegoat |
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Critic |
Fool |
Confessor |
Judge |
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Taxi driver |
Pay master |
Mouse |
Dragon |
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Toughie |
Softie |
Wanderer |
Observer |
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Lost soul |
Voyeur |
Wounded |
Glutton |
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Ogre |
Small child |
Odd-one-out |
Counselor |
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Fixer |
Preacher |
Rulemaker |
Know-all |
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Clinger |
Sinner |
Perfect |
Passenger |
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Go-between |
Chatterbox |
Worrier |
Timekeeper |
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Accountant |
Mechanic |
Doormat |
Toy boy |
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Little girl |
Quiet sufferer |
Workaholic |
Stupid one |
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Bossy boots |
Prisoner |
Jailer |
Cleaner |
If you are working through this book with your partner, you might like to photocopy this exercise so that you both do it and compare notes afterward. How much do you agree about the division of roles? What would you both like to change?
Finally, ask yourself: how can I make my choices come true?
Getting on the same page
Infidelity raises the stakes in a relationship to such a fever pitch that it is easy to slip from being emotionally honest (and showing your feelings) to being overemotional (feelings are so elevated that they come across in a blur of white noise). When this happens, the other partner retreats and it becomes impossible to communicate effectively. However, there is an alternative:
Part one: Stop emoting and start reporting
Emoting is the over-emotional outpouring where a few basic strong feelings build and build until they become distorted. Instead of either emoting or trying to ignore your feelings (which probably guarantees you will become overemotional at the next trigger), start reporting your feelings to your partner. For example: “I found that secret dinner on the credit-card statement. I was shocked that you’d spent so much. I was also angry that you thought so much of her that you’d spoil her. I’m disappointed that you didn’t think enough of me to treat me the same way.”
By contrast, emoting would start with waving the bill under your partner’s nose: “How could you? You bastard! Did you think of me? Our hardearned money!” And that would probably just be the beginning of a hellish night together. When you report your feelings, you will calm down, the tension in the body will be released, you will be able to think more clearly, be properly heard, and taken seriously. This approach could lead to an apology and probably a table at an even better restaurant.
Part two: Take it in turns to talk, listen, and summarize
In this part of the exercise, the first partner has up to three minutes to make their case. The second partner must not interrupt or rehearse their side of the argument. They should just listen. When the first partner has finished (or their time is up), the second partner will summarize the main points of the argument. Don’t answer these points, comment on them, or analyze them, just report back what they have said. The first partner finishes their time in the talking spotlight by adding to the summary anything important that has been overlooked. Next, the two partners swap roles and the second partner talks while the first listens and then summarizes. Once each party has fully understood the other’s opinions and position, discuss your findings and how to move forward.
How to deal with panic attacks
Flashbacks to traumatic moments connected with your partner’s affair can be overwhelming; here are four simple approaches to coping:
1. Acknowledge that you are panicking.
• Self-talk yourself down.
• “I can cope with this” and “I’ve been through this before.”
2. Focus on the situation and not on yourself.
• Focus on concrete objects around you.
• Describe them to yourself in detail.
• How can you make yourself safer?
• Hold on to something.
• Sit down.
3. Take time-out.
• Take a deep breath as this will relax your muscles and slow down your heart rate. Have a good stretch.
• Picture a relaxing scene where you feel safe. Use all your senses to make the place as real as possible.
• Imagine someone that you trust talking to you. What advice are they giving?
4. Remind yourself that the attacks end.
• They only last a few moments.
• This feeling will not last.
• You know this from experience.
Are you suffering from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder?
If you are still anxious, depressed, or obsessive, there could be another problem. Here are the classic signs:
1. Irritability or outbursts of anger.
2. Difficulty concentrating.
3. Excessive vigilance—not only needing to know your partner’s schedule but also checking their emails and text messages.
4. Difficulty falling or staying asleep.
5. Jumping at the slightest sound.
6. Physical reactions when reminded of the infidelity—like a story about cheating on a TV soap opera—and feelings of nausea or shakiness.
If you have two or more of these symptoms, and a month has passed since discovering your partner’s infidelity, you should consult your doctor.
Question time
If you have become stuck in the polarized roles of Inquisitor and Accused, and your relationship has tipped back into crisis, this exercise will help you cooperate and start to like each other again.
1. The Inquisitor needs to accept that pushing for facts can be counterproductive and the Accused needs to accept that withdrawing, stonewalling, or getting angry is not working either.
2. Set up a compromise contract where one short period a week becomes Question time—for example, an hour or two on a Wednesday night.
3. The Inquisitor cannot ask about the affair until Question time, or discuss the findings during the week.
4. In return, the Accused agrees to answer all questions—patiently, honestly, and fully—which are asked during Question time but at no other time.
5. After a few weeks of questions and answers being contained in this manner, you will discover that you no longer need Question time. Celebrate by using the time where you would have discussed the affair for a shared treat.
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CHECKPOINT Three key points for surviving Stage Five: Attempted Normality 1. It takes months rather than weeks to fully recover from an affair. 2. Look at your own behavior to see if there is anything that is stopping your partner 3. Write down your internal dialogue and check back for distortions, exaggerations, |