At the beginning of the book, I explained that an affair brings both danger and opportunity. At this stage in the recovery process, these two possibilities are finely balanced. The danger is all too clear. It is very easy for couples to become downcast. They worry that the affair has cast such a deep shadow that they can never return into the light. But what about the opportunity? It is hard to imagine anything positive coming out of an affair, so let me explain.
In every relationship there are unresolved issues, fundamental differences of opinion, and shaky compromises. In most cases, couples muddle through by agreeing to differ, by closing their eyes, by downplaying the importance of something, or burying the issues so deep that they are not really aware of them. I call these the “dead bodies” in a relationship. Staying with this analogy, most couples know where the bodies are buried but decide not to disturb them. When I’m counseling couples who are not coping with infidelity, we often tiptoe round these sites and deal with the immediate problems at hand without needing to exhume the bodies. In effect, I look at what marital therapists call the “presenting problems,” help the couple communicate and understand each other better, and send two hopefully satisfied people off into the sunset.
However, it is different with infidelity couples. Their levels of distress are much higher, the desire never to experience this hell again greater, and a determination to “get to the bottom of things” brings the dead bodies up to the surface. It is almost as if these issues have not been buried but weighted and thrown into a large lake. Everything on the surface might seem tranquil and beautiful but slowly, surely and unstoppably, these bodies float up to the top. As you can imagine, it is not a pretty sight. And when you are dealing with the stresses of infidelity—doubly so. This is why I’ve called this stage “Despair.” However, please take heart. This sixth stage is a necessary part of your journey and provides the opportunity to emerge with not only a healed relationship but also a happier, healthier, and fundamentally better one.
Before I explain some of the bodies that have floated to the surface in other people’s relationships, and provide some guidance as to what to expect in your own, I need to return to the equation about what causes affairs from chapter two.
Problem + Poor Communication + Temptation = Infidelity
While previously you might have put the “problem” down to something immediately at hand (for example “being too busy” or “taking each other for granted”), at this stage you are beginning to look beyond the presenting problems to the fundamental drivers beneath them. These dead bodies tend to fall into three categories: known, discovered, and hidden.
Dealing with “known” bodies
In some relationships, the problems have been there from the start. In the first flush of love, these do not seem barriers at all—and overcoming them might even add to the passion—but once reality sinks in everything becomes more complex. A reasonably common example of a long-term “known” problem would be stepparenting. Tracey and Paul, whom we met earlier, both had children from their previous marriages. Her son was older and left home shortly after they married. However, Paul’s son was eleven and, although he lived with his mother, he spent alternate weekends with his father and Tracey. “My son has never felt very welcome in our home—which puts me on edge—and I try extra hard to give him a good time. I used to hear this overjolly tone in my voice and I’d hate that. It was not a good atmosphere,” Paul explained. “Don’t get me wrong. Tracey was never unpleasant, there was just this sense that my son was in the way. I sort of understood because she’d done her child-rearing and didn’t want to start all over again.”
Over the years, Paul and Tracey had tried to discuss the problem but never found anything beyond an uneasy truce. “Tracey would say: ‘This is who I am. Take it or leave it.’ And that’s fine,” Paul explained, “but deep down I was resentful and I suppose I used that resentment to justify my cheating.” Although I knew there were stepparenting issues from their initial first assessment interview, Paul and Tracey were not ready to face them until the last phase of their counseling. So I had to take the couple through the Shock, Intense Questioning, Decision-Making, Hope, and Attempted Normality stages before they were ready to resolve the stepparenting.
Other relationships work reasonably well from the start but are derailed by circumstances; for example, one partner having to work away or the arrival of a second child. “I felt terribly alone in my marriage,” explained Robert, “she was tied up with the children and would give lip service to my bad day but the kids had to be bathed and put to bed. She wasn’t as bad as my boss who kept on insisting ‘stop bringing me problems, bring me solutions’ but it was like I always had to be strong to support Rosie. Who was there for me?”
In these child-centered relationships, the couple become Mommy and Daddy—rather than Husband and Wife—and all the emotional energy goes into family time and none into couple time. When Rosie looked back over the past few years, she could see why Robert had been attracted to a work colleague: “It must have been nice to be wanted for himself, not as someone to fix the children’s tea or ferry them somewhere. I would have liked that myself too.” Although they were both aware that the passion was slowly draining out of their marriage, they had done nothing about it. “I thought it would get better as the children got older,” explained Rosie. “I thought that’s just the way it is,” said Robert. Fortunately, infidelity brought issues to a head and created a sense that something must be done.
Sometimes the “known” problem is so overwhelming that it is not so much a buried body but a zombie that haunts the relationship. When George, fifty-three, had an affair with a younger work colleague, his wife, Vanessa, not only had to deal with the betrayal but also with the news that the other woman was expecting George’s baby: “Before the birth, I said I would try to include this child in my life and I meant it. But now that my husband has his new baby daughter—and you have no idea how much it hurts to say those words—I am finding it impossible to contemplate not only me being a part of her life but my husband being a part of her life, too. I suppose I have no right to stop him knowing his child if he wants.” At that point, George had only seen his daughter once. “He thinks he should play some role in her life beyond financial provider; when I ask him what that means he can’t really say, which doesn’t help me either,” explained Vanessa.
Even when the problem is as fundamental as this one, it is important to go through the first stages of recovery. Vanessa and George needed to focus on improving their day-to-day communication and on discovering whether their original bond was strong enough to sustain them. So when they tried to discuss the reaction of their own children (in their twenties and away from home) to the news of their father’s new daughter or some future event in the child’s life, I banned the subject and kept them focused on their relationship and the immediate concerns of communicating about the next access visit. However, I could tell when they had reached Stage Six because of the despair in the counseling room: the bodies had began to float back up to the surface.
Occasionally, one partner has a secret buried body but the drama, the hours of talking and the intense analysis following an affair, encourages a disclosure. Trudie and Jack, in their late thirties, had been married for almost twenty years and had two children together. Jack thought he knew everything about Trudie until, during the intense talking stage after his affair, she confessed to being sexually abused by an uncle: “I can’t remember how old I was, but I was probably about eight or nine. My mother did shift work and me and my sisters would go and sleep over at an aunt’s house, and he’d come in and ‘check on me.’ It stopped when I was about thirteen and told him ‘hands off or I tell.’ Unpleasant at the time but I dealt with it.” Jack took the revelation more seriously: “You’ve always held something back and never really let go when we make love. This all finally makes sense.”
Moving on
Many couples find the despair at this stage overwhelming, especially as most have tried everything to solve their long-term intractable disputes and nothing has changed. Sadly, some give up and declare their relationship broken beyond repair. This is a great pity because anyone who has truly engaged with the previous stages on the journey from discovery to recovery has learnt some important new skills: Opening your mind (problems are not black and white, right or wrong, and people are not good or bad, innocent or guilty); Understanding (you are more prepared to look at your share of the impasse rather than blame your partner); Finding a positive out of a negative (nothing is as bleak as you first imagine; there are pleasures, for example, from being a stepparent); Looking beneath the surface (instead of getting distracted by surface arguments, which often go around in pointless circles, you are ready to tackle real drivers of the problem); and Confident and productive decision-making (you have started to look at all the angles before finding a solution). The other benefit of tackling long-term “known” problems after an affair is that each partner desperately wants to heal and therefore is more generous and flexible.
So if you are worried about the “known” problems in your relationship, you could be in for a pleasant surprise. In many cases, when the dead bodies finally float to the surface, they have already lost their power to scare. Although my clients have spent weeks dreading this moment, it is frequently an anticlimax. Either the problem is solved in half a session or they have already found a solution at home.
This is what happened with Tracey and Paul’s stepparenting dilemma. “Paul’s affair made me take a long, hard look at myself,” said Tracey. “I have to admit that I was a bit of a bitch.” She made a conscious effort to get closer to Paul’s son. This not only gave her a better relationship with her stepson but also made Paul reassess his behavior, too. “I realize that I was trying too hard when my son came over,” said Paul, “I used to entertain him every single moment and couldn’t just sit back from time-to-time and let him be.” There was another surprise side-effect. “I’ve a much closer relationship with my own son,” said Tracey, “I think I’m warmer and more tolerant of other people’s failings—after all, I’ve discovered that I’ve quite a few of my own.”
What about more intractable issues where it is harder to find a middle way? The secret is just to sit quietly with the problems—nothing more. There is no attempt to persuade your partner or make them feel guilty. There is no attempt to resolve anything. Each partner just engages emotionally with the reality of the situation, with no distractions, no walking away, and no sparing the other’s feelings.
So what happened when Vanessa and George sat quietly with the issues over the “affair baby”? “It is extraordinary to watch how my daughter is beginning to form her own little personality. The tenacity when she pulls herself up on something and stands up. It’s incredible,” said George. “How can I walk away and desert her?” For the first time, Vanessa had to acknowledge that her husband had bonded with this baby: “I guessed that something like this would happen but he’s never really spoken about it before.” There was a short break in their counseling over Christmas. Afterward, Vanessa asked for a one-to-one session. She had been feeling very down and wanted to sort out her feelings. I declined, explaining that her feelings should not be packaged up and hidden away but something that her husband needed to engage with too. During the next session, Vanessa sat quietly and expressed her feelings while George listened: “I’m not so upset about the baby and that frightens me. I think I’m withdrawing. I don’t think that I can cope. I will end up hurting everybody, my own children—who love us both dearly.” I asked her if she’d ever said this before. She replied, “No, this is the first time.”
Instead of the previous intellectual debates, recriminations, or arguments, they had simply expressed their feelings and acknowledged the depth of each other’s emotions. They were finally ready to face the reality of their problems. (There will be more about this couple in the final chapter.)
Sitting quietly with the problem was also a breakthrough for Jack and Trudie and her childhood sexual abuse. Jack was very angry: “I want to go around and punch his lights out. I want to make him suffer like Trudie has suffered. He’s violated my whole family and he should be made to pay.” Trudie was upset too: “This reaction is making it worse, much worse. I don’t want to hurt my mom, she was doing the best that she could under difficult circumstances.” When they had truly acknowledged the depth of each other’s feelings, they were able to reach a compromise. Jack agreed that there was no benefit in him going in “ham-fisted,” but Trudie agreed that she would stop “trivializing” what happened and seek counseling.
So how can you and your partner truly acknowledge each other’s feelings? A useful technique is “sitting in your partner’s shoes.” The idea is that you become a journalist and interview your partner about the issue at hand (with a genuine curiosity and an open mind). However, there is a twist: your partner pretends to be you and answers as he or she imagines that you would! So, using Robert and Rosie—the couple with a child-centered marriage—Robert became the neutral professional journalist and interviewed Rosie about having children but she replied as if she were him. He started with general questions (while they were both getting used to the idea) and then worked up to the specific issues. Here are some of his questions to her:
Hello, Robert, how did you feel when you first held your son?
How did having children affect you?
What changes did you notice in the way that your wife responded to you?
How were you feeling in the sixth months before the affair?
How did you feel toward your children during this time?
It is important that you do not come out of the character of “professional journalist” and dispute what your partner says. Take a note of anything that she or he imagines to be true but is actually false. Remember to use the detached language of a journalist—it is “your” children, not “our” children. Try not to lead your partner but ask open questions—these are ones that start with “How,” “Why,” “When,” “What.” Afterward, clarify what your partner imagined incorrectly, discuss the overall experience of sitting in your shoes, and what both of you have learnt. It takes a while to process this new knowledge, so don’t change round immediately, but instead come back to the exercise the next day.
Dealing with “discovered” bodies
An affair puts a mirror up to a relationship and many couples discover cracks of which they were completely unaware. I call these “discovered” bodies and they can range from minor to potentially devastating issues. Starting at the easier end of the scale, couples often discover how isolated they have become. Paul—with the step-parenting issue—realized that he had no friends: “I’ve never been very sociable. I prefer not to be friends with people at work—just keep them as colleagues. I didn’t really like having people round to the house as I wanted it to be just Tracey and me. Looking back, that was not particularly healthy. It was unburdening myself to this woman at work that created the bond. Before I knew it, I was telling her secrets and she was telling me secrets. It was wrong.”
Other people discover that they had the wrong priorities in life. Certainly finding out about his wife’s six-month affair made Carl, thirty-eight, stop short. He had a high-pressure job as a chef in a nationally known restaurant: “I was entirely focused on getting on, getting good reviews and providing a good lifestyle for my family. I thought my wife was happy looking after the children—that was her focus.” He didn’t realize how lonely she felt and that she’d rather be listened to than bought nice things. In the aftermath of her affair, Carl decided to make some changes: “There was no need to put in quite so many hours. So I came home earlier, took my son to soccer practice, and began to discover all the things I’d neglected. Most importantly, my wife and I remembered that we like spending time together.”
Behind many affairs, there is someone stuck in a rut; someone who finds life rather gray and predictable; someone who wants to feel truly alive again. So it is not surprising that the “discovered” body for many couples is a midlife crisis where the thrill of the chase, the adrenaline pump of deception, and the easy passion of illicit sex had been covering an existential crisis: Who am I, what’s the meaning of life and what shall I do with what’s left of my life?
A study at the University of New Hampshire in the US found that forty-five is the most common age for women to have an affair and fifty-five for men. This corresponds with research at STI Clinics in the UK (Sexually Transmitted Infections) which found women aged between forty-five and fifty-four, and men between the age of fifty-five and sixty, had the highest rate of infection. In my research on adultery, I found that the most common age of someone having an affair was forty-six. Taking stock around the midpoint in your life is always a good idea and most fulfilled people find that they need a fresh adventure. This could be training for a new job, taking up a demanding hobby, or traveling to exotic destinations. Unfortunately, some people think their partners will not be supportive, or they feel trapped by their expectations and become particularly vulnerable to an affair at this life stage.
Another by-product of infidelity is that it can bring up unexpected echoes from people’s pasts and make them reassess aspects of their childhood. Anna is forty-one, and her husband left after his affair was discovered. However, despite ending the affair and returning home, he still kept texting the other woman and telling lies (for example, claiming that she had gone back to her husband when, in reality, they had split up) and generally conducted a secret “emotional” affair for the next six months. Relations between Anna and her husband were dark, destructive, and very emotional. When they were exhausted and had nothing more to shout at each other, Anna started reading up about infidelity and reflecting on her past: “When I was stressed—and ranted, lost control, said hurtful things, or tried to control him—I would apologize over and over again and I’d say, ‘I’ll do whatever you want.’ Suddenly, I had a flashback to my mother doing this when she tried to stop my father from hitting her.”
Margaret, from the second chapter, who threw her husband out of the house at knife point, discovered problems in her relationship with her parents: “When I finally told my mother what happened, her first reply was, ‘I’m glad that you didn’t cry when you told me because I don’t think I could have dealt with that’ and her only comment since has been when she saw me not wearing my wedding ring: ‘When is this silliness going to stop?.’ When I told my father he replied that it was something most men did and my tragedy was that I found out.” Margaret had always known that her relationship with her parents had been superficial but their lack of support meant that she could no longer ignore it.
Returning to Paul again, he had to reassess his relationship with his mother after returning home for a family birthday: “My mother took Tracey aside and told her how she had nearly walked out on my father over his affairs. He actually told her to leave but that he wouldn’t let her take the children and we were only little,” Paul explained. “I’d always taken my father’s side, because he was the life and soul of the party while my mother had seemed rather miserable. Now, I truly understand why.” The aftermath of an affair makes both partners question everything and approach not just their relationship, but their whole lives, with fresh eyes.
Moving on
The good news, if you are dealing with a “discovered body,” is that these problems are reasonably straightforward to solve. Once all the issues are out in the daylight, it is often obvious how to move forward. Paul decided to invite some work colleagues around to the house and to get to know them better. He also joined a local photography club to meet new people. Finally, he apologized to his mother for not being more understanding in the past.
Once Anna understood why she kept on at the same failed strategy, she found it easier to break free: “I used to keep on pushing for things, I have learnt to step back and wait.” Margaret found it harder to forge a new relationship with her parents—they were elderly and stuck in their ways. However, she was more honest about her feelings and this allowed all three of them to get along better. If you want to achieve something similar, follow this three-step process:
1. Keep your comments focused on today. For example: “I found what you said hurtful because . . .” Don’t get sidetracked into listing old failings—even if they are examples of the same issue. Your parents cannot change the past and it is easy for them to be overwhelmed with guilt and become defensive.
2. Follow up with reassurance. The idea is to both explain why you’re having this conversation and to offer an olive branch. For example: “I’m sure you did it for all the best reasons,” or “I’m saying this because I love you and want us to be closer.”
3. Make a deal for a better future. This should be practical and easy to monitor. For example, “Let’s talk on the telephone more often,” or “If I do something that irritates you, please say as I’d rather have it out in the open,” or “I’ll try to be less sensitive but I’d be grateful if you didn’t bring up . . .” Deals where both parties get something that they want are more likely to stick.
Dealing with “hidden” bodies
Some problems are buried so deeply that neither partner is aware what caused the infidelity. This is not only perplexing but also frightening. However, in my experience, the hidden body is normally one of three problems—which don’t just affect couples dealing with infidelity. Fortunately, they are reasonably straightforward to solve.
Inequality
Good relationships are made up of two equal partners. Sometimes, one partner will have more power in one particular area but it is balanced by the other having more power somewhere else. An example would be the traditional marriage where a man went out to work and looked after money and practical things while the woman stayed at home and looked after the family and emotional matters. However, when power gets polarized in this way, it can often lead to great unhappiness—especially when couples reach their middle years. For example, Carl (the chef from earlier) felt resentful that his wife excluded him from decisions about the children and belittled his suggestions of how to spend family time together. Conversely, when his wife, Sandy, decided to train as an aerobics instructor, she felt that he didn’t take her work seriously and that he could never be counted on to look after their youngest child. Therefore, she felt unsupported and resentful.
How does inequality feed into infidelity? I find that a lot of people who have affairs—and especially women—are exhausted givers. They feel that they put a lot into their relationship and get very little back. This is certainly how Sandy saw things in her marriage: “I know it is selfish but I saw my affair as something for me. A little reward after spending so much time and energy running after someone else; it was so wonderful to be noticed.” Interestingly, the person who is not putting enough energy into a relationship can also be vulnerable to an affair. They are already less committed and have one foot out of the relationship.
A big power imbalance is often another cause of infidelity. The more powerful partner will expect to have all his or her needs met—like sex, when away on business. This sense of entitlement is one of the reasons why celebrities are so prone to infidelity. The less powerful partner—or the person who perceives themselves as less powerful—will feel resentful and become prone to temptation too.
Phoebe and Adam met through work, they were both in their twenties and earning similar amounts of money. Their relationship worked very well. However, five years later, Phoebe became pregnant and gave up work: I had a difficult birth, suffered from post-natal depression, and my confidence went through the floor. While Adam would go off to work in a nicely pressed suit, I’d have a day covered in baby sick. Previously, I’d had my own money and never had to justify anything. Although his money was our money, I felt guilty spending anything on me.” She ended up having an affair with a friend’s husband. “I felt guilty, excited, and angry with myself but more sexually charged than I had been in a long time. I could look into my lover’s eyes and see the desire and how he’d risk everything for me.” In effect, she felt powerful again.
There will be more about balancing unequal relations in the next chapter, but I find the best way to help unequal couples is to focus on the way they talk to each other and this is the topic of my next hidden body.
Talking at cross purposes
Transactional Analysis, or TA for short, was founded in the fifties by an American psychiatrist called Eric Berne. He proposed that all our thoughts, feelings, and behavior come from three distinct parts of our personality: “Parent”, “Adult,” and “Child.” (The idea is similar to Freud’s superego, ego, and id.) The most important thing to stress is that all three parts are equally important and are needed at different times. The “Parent” part comes in two types: Nurturing (caring and kind) and Critical (strict and firm). The “Child” also comes in two types: Free (creative and fun) and Adapted (anxious to please, sulky, or rebellious). In contrast, there is one sort of “Adult” which is rational, thoughtful, and considerate. When you and your partner are both using the same part of your personality, everything works smoothly. For example, you’ve both been invited to a slightly stuffy party and your inner Child meets the eye of your partner’s inner Child and both decide to put some music on and get everybody dancing. Berne calls this a Concordant Transaction. A variation on this relatively straightforward type of communication is when one partner’s inner child complains: “I’ll never get all these done,” and the other’s Nurturing Parent will reply: “Never mind, I’ll sort it out.” This is called a Parallel Transaction and, in theory, this kind of communication could continue happily for years.
The problems come from what Berne calls Crossed Transactions. For example, the Adult part of your personality asks: “Have you seen my keys?” However, instead of replying with his or her inner Adult, your partner responds: “You shouldn’t leave things lying about”—which is the critical part of Parent—or “Why do you blame me for everything?” which is the adapted part of Child. Incidentally, it is not just the words that betray which part of our personality is to the fore but the tone of voice, facial expressions, and general body language.
The key to using TA, and avoiding Crossed Transactions, is spotting which part of your personality is in play. The following table should help:
|
PARENT |
CHILD |
|||||||||
|
Critical |
Nurturing Parent |
Adult |
Free |
Child Adapted |
||||||
|
Words |
Should, don’t, you can’t, if I were you |
Let me help you, don’t worry, there-there |
How, when, why, what are the facts, options |
Wow, brilliant, You’ll never guess |
Sorry, if only, it’s not my fault |
|||||
|
Tones of voice |
Stern, harsh, judgmental, indignant |
Soothing, soft, caring, sympathetic |
Clear, enquiring, assertive |
Laughter, energetic, excited |
Appealing, placating, protesting |
|||||
|
Body language |
Finger-pointing, hands on hips,rolling eyes upward |
Open arms, nodding, touching |
Level eye contact, contact, confident appearance, active listening |
Bright-eyed, exaggerated motions, spontaneous |
Downcast eyes, pouting, slumped shoulders |
|||||
When someone decides to give into temptation and has an affair, they are often in Adapted Child mode. (This is why unfaithful partners come across like sulky, demanding, and selfish teenagers.) If they were in the Adult part of their personality, they would say: “I’m unhappy; we need to do something about our relationship.” So what stops them? Unfortunately, they probably expect to be greeted by their partner in Critical Parent mode: “I do everything for you. and you’re still not happy” or “You can’t expect life to be all wine and roses.” In fact, the most common Crossed Transaction is Critical Parent/Adapted Child and, returning to the previous hidden body, it is also a sign that a couple has an unequal relationship. So what can be done?
• Learn to recognize which mode you and your partner are using. It helps to name them. “That sounded so Critical Parent” or “Am I playing Adapted Child?”
• If you don’t like your partner’s response, check which part of your personality you’ve used. If you sometimes think that you’ve got an extra child in the house, it could be that you are talking to your partner as Critical Parent. If your partner speaks to you as if you were six years old, it could be because you’re responding as Adapted Child. In both cases, it would be better to switch into the Adult mode.
• Your partner’s response is likely to match the mode that you employ. So if you use Adult, your partner will reply back as an Adult. If you use Free Child—let’s be wicked and sneak off to bed in the middle of the afternoon—they will probably respond in a similar manner.
This technique is particularly useful for couples where one party—or sometimes both—feel there is a power imbalance. If you talk to and treat your partner as an equal, he or she will feel like one and begin to behave like one.
Your children’s life stages
The third hidden body explains times when you feel restless, upset, or anxious but can never quite put your finger on the reasons why. In fact, the feelings are so subtle that it is hard to pin them down at all. The whole experience is so difficult to categorize and normal problem-solving techniques are so hopeless that many people ignore the warning signs. Yet something is happening deep inside your gut and however busy you keep, the feelings keep gnawing away. Sometimes I think people in this situation launch into an affair because at least they understand the simple, bold feelings of desire, shame, and guilt. So what’s going on?
Perhaps the best way to explain this hidden body is to use an example. Adrian, thirty-eight, sought help because he was having a reckless affair with a former work colleague: “I feel such a fool and such a bastard. My wife is expecting a baby and really needs me but I kept slipping out to meet this woman.” “How do you feel about becoming a father,” I asked? “We’ve already got two kids and really, that’s enough,” he replied. He had told his wife about his misgivings but she was unsympathetic and told him to get used to the idea. “I really feel that we’re making a big mistake,” he sighed and buried his head in his hands.
When we looked at his family tree, I discovered that he was the third child in his family and that his parents had split up when he was about six. “Why did your parents get divorced?” I asked. He just shrugged and I immediately had a picture of a confused little boy. “Did you think it was something to do with you?” I asked? “Not entirely, there were long-term problems and they were always arguing,” he replied, “but I think I put an extra strain on them.” I articulated the feelings that were etched on his face: “Maybe if you hadn’t been born?” Slowly, Adrian nodded. Obviously, he wasn’t responsible for his parents divorce but he had been carrying all these feelings buried deep inside. The impending birth of his own third child had brought this hidden body back up to the surface.
In the case of many couples, where I can’t find what has brought something to a head, I look at their family trees and ask about what happened when they were the age that their children are now. Time and again, I find some important echo from the past.
Our sons and our daughters carry so many of our hopes and fears, that their struggles can impact on us even if we sailed through their particular life stage ourselves without too many problems. So what common life events can prompt infidelity?
• A child going off to school, and tasting independence for the first time, can make us long to be more independent.
• A moody teenager coping with their first crush or broken heart is difficult enough, even when your own marriage is strong. However, if you are even vaguely disappointed, it is easy to become nostalgic for your own teens or envious of your children’s energy, looks or belief in their own immortality. This life stage is all about testing boundaries and discovering what is right or wrong. It is a time of rebellion and throwing caution to the wind—and the mood is infectious. This is why many parents, when their children are teenagers, step over the boundaries themselves and commit adultery.
• When children become young adults and vacate the nest, a relationship centered around being parents can feel directionless and empty. The temptation to flee—even if only temporarily into the third party’s arm—can be overwhelming.
The best way of dealing with echoes from your children’s life stage is to voice them out loud. This is hard because nobody likes to admit that they are jealous or identify with their children quite so closely. However, it can be an important breakthrough. Adrian began to make sense of his feelings of doom. He stopped the affair and used his own experiences of being the third child as a way of reintroducing the topic with his wife. Finally, he was able to admit that, however much he identified with this particular child, he and the baby were separate people and that history did not have to repeat itself. Time and again, admitting to a feeling or talking about a hidden body in the cold light of day—rather than letting things lurk in the shadows—will turn a difficult problem into harmless dust.
Even if your partner is not ready to acknowledge the echoes from the past, just getting him or her to tell stories from that particular era can be liberating. Ask for plenty of detail and the reactions of her or his parents, and afterward discuss any similarities to today. In many cases, these discussions will be enough to cast fresh light on to the hidden body and to exorcise it. Other people find new, practical solutions for dealing with their children and reduce the overall tension in the house and, in that way, rebury the body for the time being.
Dealing with low self-esteem
One of the issues that comes to the surface during the Despair stage is self-esteem. It goes without saying that your partner’s affair will do nothing for your confidence or feelings of self-worth. However, the issues around self-esteem are often more complex than at first sight. Once again, a case history is the best way to explain what’s happening.
Danielle, forty-three, had put on a considerable amount of weight during her marriage. Since discovering her husband’s infidelity, Danielle had lost twenty-eight pounds: “He says he fancies me and will do so even more when I’m thinner, but still criticizes my weight regularly, and often in public, to everyone’s embarrassment. He even did it during an interview for a job—where they had invited wives to come along and see the setup. I was talking to his would-be boss about how I was excited to move up there as I would like to ski again. He interrupted to say I would have to lose a ton of weight before I could do that! I know he really detests overweight women, and often compares me with his stepmom whom he hated and who was overweight. He treated her like she was weak and stupid. I feel that I am tarred with the same brush.”
It is easy to see why Danielle was depressed and suffering from low self-esteem. However, her husband, Liam, had self-esteem problems too. The attention of the other woman had been flattering and temporarily made him feel better about himself. However, when Danielle discovered the affair, and the full reality of what he had done hit him, Liam’s opinion of himself plummeted even lower. Unfortunately, instead of facing up to these difficult feelings, he unwittingly dumped all his unhappiness on to Danielle; and, by making her so utterly miserable by comparison, he felt a little bit better himself. After all, in his head, it was not his fault because it was her weight!
This tendency to treat someone else as a blank screen to play out our own needs and emotions is called “projection.” Instead of trying to have a better relationship with his stepmother, or sorting out his childhood issues, Liam had projected his problems on to Danielle and attacked her. So what can be done? First, I helped Danielle understand that she was not responsible for Liam’s poor relationship with his stepmom. However much weight she lost, the original problem would remain unaddressed. So I got her to say out loud and repeat: “I am not Liam’s stepmom.”
Next, she needed to understand why she was such an easy target for Liam to project on to. “It’s because I don’t like carrying this much weight. I’m very sensitive even if someone looks at me a bit strangely. I think they’re thinking ‘fat cow,’” she explained. It was almost as if Danielle had hooks ready for Liam to hang his baggage on to. So I asked her how someone who felt comfortable about their weight might respond to Liam’s comments: “You’re not exactly body beautiful yourself,” she laughed. In effect, she had begun to dismantle her hooks and the next time Liam tried to hang some of his old issues on her, they dropped harmlessly on to the floor.
Finally, she encouraged Liam to start afresh with his stepmother and have an Adult-to-Adult relationship.
If projection sounds familiar, follow this simple plan:
1. Recognize when someone is dumping their unhappiness or issues on to you.
2. Accept that these do not belong to you. However much you love someone, it is not your responsibility to solve all their problems.
3. Mentally remove the hooks. When someone says something potentially stinging, tell yourself: “This is nothing to do with me.”
4. Encourage your partner to look at themselves. In a quiet moment take the hurtful comment and ask how he or she feels about that particular issue.
When it comes to dealing with your own self-esteem issues, ask yourself the following questions:
Are my current goals realistic? Write down all the things that you are currently beating yourself up for not achieving and check if you expect too much of yourself. For example, do you feel that you should be further along the recovery journey—even though it is only weeks or a couple of months since the affair was revealed? Most couples take about six months to reach this point.
Are you angry with yourself? After adultery, many Discoverers berate themselves for not spotting the signs earlier, for not being “good enough” or for personal failings that contributed to their partner’s infidelity. Is your criticism really justified? Would you have had to have second sight or an unnaturally suspicious mind? Have you been taking on more than your fair share of blame for what happened? Perhaps there is still a residue of anger that needs to be expressed toward your partner. (If this sounds risky, look back at the exercise “Getting on the same page” in the previous chapter and in particular the idea of reporting feelings rather than just emoting.)
Have you down-played your achievements in getting so far down the road? When you are tired, it is easy to overlook just how strong, capable, or resilient you have been. Sadly, many people with low self-esteem discount or forget their achievements in reaching Stage Six and concentrate on what still needs to be done. If this sounds familiar, write a list of what you have learnt, how you have surprised yourself, and the strengths you have discovered in yourself over the past few months.
Are you frightened about tackling some difficult issue between yourself and your partner? If anger is one of the most important underlying feelings that feeds low self-esteem, another is fear. So look at the buried bodies in your relationship and consider finally facing them. Remember, putting off something difficult not only lowers self-esteem but also leaves you feeling trapped.
Facing down your fears
It is natural to be frightened by infidelity. It brings up all sorts of difficult feelings: rejection, loss, vulnerability, pain, losing face, and failure. As the bodies start to float to the surface, people fear that there is more to come, and still more. However, time and again, when my clients face up to the truth, the confrontation is never as bad as they expected. This is because our fear is often at its greatest just before the body reaches the surface. “My heart was beating like hailstones on a tin roof,” said Danielle after she faced Liam about his put-downs about her weight. “However, I discovered there were all sorts of things he didn’t like about the way he looked too. He’d been small and not good at games at school and the other boys would pick on him.” As Liam remembered, and started to cry, Danielle felt a surge of joy: “Something was finally being done. We were no longer poking each other with sharp sticks but starting to talk.” Often the greater the fear before talking, the greater the relief afterward.
If you are still fearful, break the challenge into smaller steps by answering the following questions:
• What am I actually frightened of?
• How might I be exaggerating or distorting the challenge?
• What will I lose by not tackling my fear?
• What resources can I draw on to help me?
• What’s the worst thing that could happen?
• How could I cope with that?
• How will I feel after I have faced my fear?
If you are fearful because your attempts to solve long-running problems have reared up and bitten you—or because it is impossible to accept the depth of your partner’s feelings—this is probably a sign that maybe you have more to learn. If this is the case, you have two options. You could go back and try the exercises in the previous chapter or you could focus on some of the good things about your relationship.
Give your relationship a lift
This has been a particularly difficult stage, so it is important to balance the negative with the positive. To prevent your relationship becoming overwhelmed with despair, try these three revitalizing strategies:
Recall the past. Instead of forever talking about problems or going over the affair, remember a good time from the past. The day that you first met is a good idea. Go over the story in detail, bring it to life with all the treasured details and relive the happiness again.
Use shared jokes. Every relationship has those little sayings that mean everything to the couple and nothing to anyone else. So use lines from your favorite movies and corny one-liners (for example, “I only married you for your money”) to remember your shared heritage.
Plan a treat. This should not be too elaborate or too far into the future (that comes later). Examples would be a meal in a favorite restaurant, a day out at a beauty spot, or a concert. These treats will show that you can still have fun together and your whole relationship has not been swallowed up by intense conversations.
For the Discovered:
Despair—Bodies Float to the Surface
• The first steps on the journey from discovery to recovery are different for the Discoverer and the Discovered. However, by this stage, both partners feel the same despair. From now onward, it is worth reading—if you have not started already—the main sections as well as these boxes.
• In some ways, an affair is a signal that something is wrong in a relationship. At this stage, those problems finally start to float to the surface. Although this process is painful, there are important lessons to be learnt.
• Think about what you liked about yourself in the affair. How were you different? If a new relationship allowed you to experiment and discover new things about yourself, how could you bring this new knowledge out of affair-bubble-world and into the real world?
• If you are looking to make fundamental changes to your life—perhaps after discovering a midlife crisis—it is important to discuss options with your partner and give him or her an opportunity to express concerns or fears. Reaching a conclusion together, rather than presenting a fait accompli—will provide a much needed boost for your relationship.
• If your partner seems surly, it is often a sign of muffled sorrow or pain. Look beyond your partner’s immediate mood, show compassion, and reassure them that you do care. You will reap the benefit risk.
• Cutting off all meaningful contact with the third party will have allowed your relationship to grow stronger. However, at this point, the full loss of your affair partner will hit home. It might be tempting to send a casual email but this will reopen wounds and risk derailing your still fragile relationship with your partner. But do not panic. Thinking about the third party and facing up to the loss is normal and often the beginning of the healing process. (For more information see “Mourning the loss” in the exercise section.)
• This is a tough stage but it is truly the darkest hour before the dawn.
New skill: Acceptance
For most couples the bodies that appear during Stage Six are familiar or ultimately no great surprise. Many have repeatedly tried to find a resolution but one or both partners were angry, hurt, unreceptive, or dismissive: “She didn’t really mean it,” or “If he thinks I’ll do that, he’s going to have to think again.” However, in the aftermath of infidelity, people are often prepared to listen and engage with the problems. As the American psychologist and philosopher William James (1842–1910) wrote: “Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.” Time and again, I find that once someone feels truly heard and their pain or hopes, in all their complexity, are acknowledged—then a breakthrough is just a heartbeat away.
So how do you reach this point? The answer is simpler than most people imagine: stillness. We worry that, once our partner has laid out his or her problems, we will have to solve them. (This is what makes us so anxious or tempted to walk away.) In reality, there’s no need to say anything. Words are completely secondary and, if required, will come out of the stillness. You just have to accept that this is what your partner feels and, from her or his viewpoint, these feelings are perfectly valid. That is all. No more. Just sit there, unblinking, and accept. It sounds easy but in our world of a million distractions—places to be and money to earn—fully engaged and freely given time is the greatest gift. And this is the miracle—when you give up trying to change someone, they stop having to defend themselves and finally become open to changing.
Summary
• By Stage Six, couples are ready to look beyond the obvious to the fundamental problems and unhappiness that causes affairs.
• If you feel overwhelmed, look back at the skills that you have already accumulated.
• Problems fit into three categories: known bodies (long-term and seemingly insoluble problems), discovered bodies (issues thrown up by the infidelity), and hidden bodies (these are often buried in the unconscious of each partner and need to be brought up to the surface).
• This stage can put the focus not only on your childhood but also on how you relate to your children. It is important to work closely with your partner as a team of two Adults, rather than as one Parent and a rebellious Child. Discuss contentious issues together in private, so that you provide a united front to your son or daughter.
• Often, the only thing you have to fear is fear itself.
• When a difficult or contentious body floats to the surface, look it fully in the face. From out of the stillness, a compromise will emerge.
EXERCISES
Say the unsayable ... and be heard
In many relationships, there is a central problem that has not properly been addressed. Often both partners are aware of its existence, but it has only come up in anger (and therefore been ignored) at the height of an argument (so not properly heard) or leaked out in lots of small ways over minor issues (which were seen in isolation and therefore the severity of the problem has not registered). So what is the alternative? Here are seven steps:
• Be brave. In many cases, when one partner calmly lays out their unsayable problem—and expresses a desire to work on it—the other partner may be upset but generally relieved to have everything out in the open.
• Think it through. Make certain that you are telling your partner something or some behavior that he or she can work on or change (for example, to be more independent). By contrast, “I never really fancied you” or “I only got married because my parents wanted it” is cruel and pointless. If you are in any doubt, discuss it with a close friend first.
• Name the feeling. Being angry, bitter, or disappointed with your partner is okay. It is impossible for two people to live together without experiencing these feelings at some point. Rather than letting the problem sneak out in sly put-downs or explode out as insults and aggressive behavior, try telling your partner. For example: “I feel angry” or “I feel insecure” (remember to own the feeling and not to blame your partner).
• Limit the feeling. Unless you explain “when,” there is a danger your partner might misinterpret or draw the wrong conclusions. For example: “. . . when you don’t listen” or “. . . when you would rather be somewhere else.”
• Explain the feeling. This is about spelling out why you feel this way. For example: “. . . because I think you don’t care” or “. . . because I have been rejected before.”
• Put it all together. Now you have a three-part formula for effective communication: “I feel… when you… because…” For example: “I feel alone when you refuse to go on exotic or unusual vacation destinations because that’s when I feel most alive.”
• Reassure. After telling your partner something difficult, it is important to offer some reassurance and check out his or her feelings. For example, “I only said something because I think we have to be honest if we’re going to save this relationship” or “How do you feel about that?”
Refresh your belief structure
Our life is underpinned by hundreds of different beliefs acquired from our parents, our schools, our friends, the culture around us, and our experiences. It is useful to bring these beliefs up from our subconscious into the light of day and examine them to see if any of them are out of date. It is particularly important for someone with low self-esteem because an unduly negative belief structure can really hold us back. What do I mean by a belief? These are sayings that we accept as the truth. For example, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” “There’s no such thing as a free lunch,” “Life’s not fair,” “There is always someone worse off than yourself,” or “It’s always my fault.”
1. Take a piece of paper and write down as many beliefs as possible. Start with those from your childhood. I’ll start you off in each category with some of my own: “I want doesn’t get” and “Family hold back.” Next add those from school: “You’re average” (we were streamed according to ability and I was always in the middle). If you went to college, university, or had job training, what new beliefs did you acquire? “Life is a sh*t sandwich, the more bread you have the less sh*t you have to eat” (this was written on the toilet walls at my university in the seventies). What about your friends: “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” From the wider culture: “If you’re not careful you’ll be living in a bus shelter and eating your own shoe leather”; and, finally, add beliefs garnered from your own life experiences: “I can always cope if I take things one week at a time” (bereavement after my first partner died).
2. Once you have about twenty or thirty plus examples, go through your beliefs and count up the number that are enabling (positive) and how many are disabling (negative). This is particularly important if you have low self-esteem, as most sufferers have significantly more disabling beliefs.
3. Question the validity of these beliefs. For example, the one on the toilet wall at university: are the rich really happier? Don’t we need some difficult or unpleasant experiences to grow?
4. Which beliefs are distorted or out of date? For example, when I worked as a life guard in a holiday camp during the summer break from university, I met lots of people who left school with few or no qualifications. I had been comparing myself only to my immediate peers. In effect, I was not average.
5. How could you recast some of these beliefs? Perhaps “I want doesn’t get” could become “If you don’t ask, nobody knows what you need.”
6. Where could you get some new, positive beliefs? For example, from this book: “Good things can come out of bad experiences,” and from my other books, “You can fall back in love” (I Love You, But I’m Not in Love with You, published by Bloomsbury), and “There’s someone for everybody” (The Single Trap: The Two-Step Guide to Escaping It and Finding Lasting Love, published by Bloomsbury). Nearly every movie has a message—mainly uplifting—so think about your favorites and which beliefs you could adopt from them.
Mourning the loss
Although the physical side of the affair will be over and contact cut (or reduced to business matters only if the affair was with a work colleague), many discovered partners find that they still “have feelings” for the third party. This exercise has been designed to help extinguish those final remnants. However, it will also work for a Discoverer who needs to mourn the loss of their preaffair relationship—which had seemed so safe and secure—and clear the decks for a new and better relationship with their partner.
1. Put away things with strong memories. If you’ve had the affair, you have hopefully thrown away all presents, letter, and other love tokens. However, it is often necessary to go further. (For example, stop driving past places with strong memories—like the bar where you would rendezvous with your lover.) If you are the Discoverer, you might want to put away things that feel tainted by your partner’s deception. (For example, a snap shot from what might have seemed like a happy vacation together but then subsequently you learnt that your partner had already started his or her affair.)
2. Don’t wallow. For the Discovered, this means switching channels when the third party’s favorite singer comes on the radio. For the Discoverer, change channels when the talk show is about cheating. There is no point in torturing yourself.
3. Use distraction techniques. Instead of allowing a daydream of how things might have been to take hold, think about something practical and pressing: what to cook for supper or when the car is due for a service.
4. Reintegrate the experience back into your life. When someone is special in our lives, we will often give them a particular role. For example, a grandmother might be the only person for whom you can do no wrong or your father might be the protective force that allows no harm to come your way. After a bereavement, the final part of the healing comes when we can take back that role and, for example, look after or value ourselves. If you were unfaithful, think about what your affair partner meant. Perhaps he helped with your career? In that case, how could you progress your career yourself? (Maybe talk to human resources about a training course.) Perhaps she made you feel young again? In that case, why not follow those old teenage ambitions that were cast aside. (Maybe you could buy a guitar and take lessons.) If you were the Discoverer, think about what your preaffair relationship symbolized. Perhaps your partner “rescued” you from a difficult place. How could you start to take more responsibility yourself?
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CHECKPOINT Three key points for surviving Stage Six: 1. This is an opportunity to change your relationship for the better. 2. Really listen to your partner and walk in his or her shoes. What if every word she or he said was true? 3. Think about one small positive change. What would be the first step toward making it happen? |