Many people go through the first two stages after discovering infidelity on instinct, autopilot, or pure adrenaline. However, by Stage Three, Decision Time, it is time to take a step back and become more rational. Instead of the millions of questions, there is just one: Should I stay or should I go? If your partner has already taken this decision out of your hands, it becomes: Should I accept his or her choice or should I campaign to save the relationship? These are such incredibly important decisions—in fact, life-changing—that it is easy to be overwhelmed. So where do you start?
EIGHT TYPES OF INFIDELITY
AND THE INFIDELITY LADDER
Although the feelings of hurt and betrayal are similar whatever the circumstances of infidelity, the future of your relationship will be greatly affected by both the type of affair that your partner has had and the seriousness of it. This next section looks at the eight different kinds of infidelity, their common characteristics, and how to combat them. Often an affair will start at the milder end of infidelity but if unchecked, become increasingly dangerous and harder to overcome. I call this process climbing the “infidelity ladder.” Knowing where your partner is on this scale is also important. It will ensure that you do not downplay the seriousness of the affair—in the hope that this will minimize the damage to your relationship—or, just as bad, panic, overreact, and make poor choices.
1. Accidental
One of the most common laments from people who have been discovered cheating is: “I didn’t set out to have an affair.” They imagine this will make their partner feel better, although it seldom does. However, this defense does beg the question: can someone be unfaithful by accident? If your partner has used this excuse, the natural reaction is to snort with derision. Yet it is surprisingly easy for two colleagues or friends to slip from innocent friendship into an affair without being aware when they crossed the line.
A good example of this phenomena is Philip, thirty-nine, who worked from home and collected his son from school: “There’s a café opposite the gates and one day Jackie—who is a friend of my wife’s, and we often socialize [with her and her husband] as two couples—suggested a coffee. I can’t remember what we talked about—but nothing really personal. I can’t remember if I told my wife every time I saw Jackie but she was aware that we would occasionally meet up and my wife would pass messages to her through me.” About six months later, Philip and Jackie’s friendship became more intense. “She was having a lot of marital problems and wanted a male perspective, so we started talking on an emotional level. At one point, she started crying. Her hand was on the table and I took hold of it and squeezed. There was a bolt of electricity and we both became incredibly shy.”
At the time, Philip downplayed the whole incident. “I told myself I was imaging things.” So when Jackie asked him to call at her house—rather than at the café by the school gates—he did not think of it as out of the ordinary: ‘She told me there were things she could not talk about in public. At first it was just like the other times, but I knew she was building up to something. I was right. She said that she had feelings for me and then she kissed me. Fifteen minutes later, we were in bed together. Afterward, I felt terrible. I tried to stop it but I was worried that Jackie might tell my wife.” They had sex on half a dozen occasions and Philip was trying to “cool things” when his wife found out.
So when did Philip cross the line: going for coffee on a regular basis? Listening to Jackie’s problems? Offering comfort to someone in need? Going to her house when the children were not around? Not telling his wife about this rendezvous? Not leaving when Jackie said that she had feelings? When he allowed himself to be kissed? Or was it only when he went upstairs with her?
Another example is Tania, thirty-four, who had been married for eight years when her husband’s work took her abroad: “We met a couple introduced to us by my sister-in-law. We quickly became good friends, all four of us. However, as we all became closer, I noticed he started flirting with me, which I found flattering. I honestly did not think about starting a relationship with him but I guess I must have encouraged him enough to continue. Over the next year and a half, I gradually became closer to him than her. Finally, he told me about his true feelings for me. By this stage, I felt equally attracted to him and just let it happen.”
“Accidental affairs” often start at work. With the excitement and adrenaline of working as a team on a big project, the sheer amount of time spent together can easily overspill and distort natural emotions into sexual chemistry. Business trips are another curse. If someone travels alone they can become lonely and end up socializing more than normal with colleagues. It is also quite common for Accidental affairs to start at a work leaving do. Perhaps it is the alcohol or the expectation that two people will not see each other again but one party lets down his or her guard and the sparks fly.
Common characteristics
• Short-term. They can be anything from a one-off to about eight weeks long and do not necessarily involve sexual infidelity but stop just short with kissing and cuddling, exchanging flirty emails, and keeping secrets.
• They often end when one of the “lovers” confesses to their partner or becomes so reckless that they are almost begging to be found out.
• Generally, the risks, the guilt and the deceit involved in an Accidental affair outweigh the pleasures.
• This kind of affair should still be taken seriously. There have to be some relationship problems, or the seeds of an affair would fall on fallow ground.
• The underlying issues are either relatively minor (for example, “being taken for granted” or “too busy to spend enough time together” or “not talking enough”) or so deeply buried that the person who strayed is not properly aware of them (for example, their father or mother fought bitterly and destructively, never argued at all or divorced when they were young. In all these circumstances, your partner would have had no role model for sensibly resolving differences).
What to do?
If your partner has had an Accidental affair, the likelihood is that your relationship has been on autopilot. While one or both of you have been concentrating on work or the children, communication has dropped down to the bare basics. Take the example of Philip and his wife: if they had routinely been talking more, she would probably have spotted how much time the embryonic lovers were spending together and stepped in. Hopefully, the second stage of the recovery process—and all the talking involved—will have sharpened up your communication skills. However, it is important to set aside a regular time to discuss the small events of the day. It only needs to be a few minutes but long enough so that you can share the shape and the emotions of each other’s life. This could happen over a meal together, while preparing for bed, or when you’re first at home together. You will need each other’s undivided attention, so switch off the TV or computer and explain to the children that this is Mommy and Daddy time.
If your partner keeps on justifying or trying to minimize his or her actions, use the ABC of good communication: A is address his or her feelings or opinion (“I know that it only lasted a short while”); B is for bridge (“But” or “However” or “From where I’m sitting”); C is for communication (“I wanted to be treated like that myself or “I still feel devastated”). This will allow your partner to feel heard—and so not shut down—but still enable you to get your message across.
Infidelity ladder
Many affairs might start as Accidental but, if there is a serious problem in the core relationship, they will quickly turn into the second kind of infidelity: “Cry for help.” If an affair brings pleasure or sexual release (particularly where there is a low-sex or no-sex relationship), it can settle into something long-term like “Self-medication”. Finally, there is the risk that the partner who was not unfaithful will decide to have a “Retaliatory affair”.
2. Cry for help
In these relationships, both partners generally know that there are problems. These affairs have probably been around for six months or more but the couple are either unable or unwilling to talk about them. Generally, one partner will bury his or her head in the sand and hope to tough it out. Unfortunately, the other partner is left feeling very alone and, in the bleaker moments, trapped in a hopeless situation. They soon become vulnerable to a third party’s advances or, while looking for something to distract themselves from day-to-day misery, begin flirting with friends or work colleagues.
An example of a Cry for help affair is Geraldine who had a very difficult pregnancy, which involved several long stays in hospital. The delivery was even more traumatic. “My abiding memory was Sean trying to sneak away. It was like he could not bear to be there. He let me down so badly that I didn’t know if I could forgive him.” Not surprisingly, she suffered from postnatal depression and, although treated by her doctor, remained weepy and emotional. Meanwhile, her husband Sean buried himself in his work and hoped that time would heal their problems.
When her maternity leave finished, Geraldine returned to work where she started an intense friendship with a colleague. It reached the point that they would send each other several long text messages every evening. Sean takes up the story: “I soon became curious and challenged her. Geraldine told me he was ‘just a friend’ and I sort of believed her.” The texting continued and Sean became curious. “She had become negative, critical, and had started avoiding me. I went through her phone when she was in the bathtub and it was all there. I was so shocked, devastated, and ashamed that I drove around in the car for an hour or two. When I came back, I confronted her with the evidence. I think she was quite relieved.” Although Sean had known that Geraldine was unhappy, he had no idea that it had reached this point. Although Geraldine had not set out to use the affair—which fortunately had not become sexual—as a way of getting Sean’s attention, it had just this effect, and the couple started counseling.
Many Cry for help affairs start on the Internet. Perhaps it is the anonymity, the fact that you don’t even have to leave your own home and the other people in the chat room are just screen names, so it often does not feel like really cheating.
“We were both fans of the TV show Lost and exchanged theories about the plots. He was funny and clever and we started chatting and I sent him a picture,” explains Justine, twenty-nine. “My relationship with Ian had become very stale but he thought that I was too demanding. So this guy and I talked more and more. I found I could really open up. Be myself. He lived in a city about an hour and a half away by train and I planned to go up there for the day.”
Ian, who is also twenty-nine, knew about this “friendship” and did everything in his power to dissuade Justine from going. “I just had to find out if my feelings for this other guy were real or not,” she explained. She met her Internet “friend” and they had sex. “Afterward, I realized that I’d made the biggest mistake of my life and crept home with my tail between my legs. Ian and I had the most terrible row and then ended up talking—probably more than we’d ever talked before.” They agreed to go for counseling where, after many twists and turns (more about this later), they discovered that their relationship had been drifting. “I was almost thirty, I wanted a proper commitment. I wanted marriage and children, the lot. But I don’t know if I’d have admitted it to myself, let alone challenged Ian, if we hadn’t been through these terrible months.” It was almost as if the cry for attention had come, in this case, from Justine’s unconscious to stop her from burying her true needs.
Common characteristics
• Just like Accidental affairs, these are not necessarily sexual.
• It is generally the first affair and only happens after one partner has tried to express their hurt but felt it has fallen on deaf ears.
• The hallmark of the Cry for help affair is that the person who is being unfaithful makes little effort to cover his or her tracks. In fact, she or he might unconsciously go to great lengths to be found out—like leaving receipts around or phoning the third party on the home phone (even though the number, frequency, and length of calls will appear on the bill). When discovered, they make a full confession.
• Often there is an easy-to-spot trigger for the affair—for example, a job loss, postnatal depression, or the youngest child going off to college.
• Being unfaithful is often completely out of character and afterward the deceiver cannot really believe what she or he has done. They are full of guilt, shame, and remorse.
• When the affair has been very physical, it is almost as if the deceiver is saying “notice my sexual needs” and “I want to show you how important they are to me.”
• The underlying problem is usually fundamental and involves something that normally the couple would be unable or unwilling to focus on.
What to do?
Although this way of asking for help is completely destructive, and highly risky, positive things can come out of this type of affair. When a couple is prepared to truly look at their relationship, they normally find a lot of energy and determination to fix the problems. The other good news is that when couples are finally ready to face their big issue, it often evaporates or is sorted quite easily. This is because the more that a topic is unmentionable, the more power it accumulates until the fears become out of all proportion to reality. Unfortunately, many couples in Cry for help affairs try and paper over the cracks or become sidetracked by fighting over particular details of the betrayal. If you recognize this kind of affair, whether you are the deceived or the deceiver, you need to find the strength to face the problems head on. Rehearse by writing a letter, imagine it is to someone who will understand and forgive anything. For this reason, you can be completely open and maybe surprise yourself.
Infidelity ladder
If the warning is not heeded, it is easy for a Cry for help affair to become a necessary part of the deceiver’s life and turn into Self-medication or even “Tripod”. At this point, the deceiver will become more adept at covering up their infidelity. They might even feel “entitled” to their affair because their partner has been so neglectful or uncaring.
3. Retaliatory
These are short-lived affairs and motivated by just one desire: revenge. Sometimes the deceiver will feel “entitled” to the affair because their partner has been ignoring them—perhaps because of the birth of a child or a heavy work schedule. However, the majority of Retaliatory affairs happen after one partner discovers the other’s adultery.
This is what happened when Ian, whose partner Justine had a Cry for help affair, logged on to a chat room himself. “I wanted to see for myself what it was all about and got talking to this girl. She really understood what I’d been through because she’d caught her last boyfriend having cybersex,” he explained. Justine found out about their “friendship” halfway through their joint counseling and was completely distraught. “I know I brought this on myself, but how could he? Especially as we were making so much progress. I really think I could lose him and I don’t want that,” she told me. Although Ian claimed, at first, that he was not getting his own back, he did seem to be enjoying Justine’s distress. After a couple of weeks, however, Ian admitted he had been foolish: “The other woman was talking about flying over and meeting me. Suddenly, I realized that I didn’t want to see her. I only wanted Justine. I’ve only ever wanted Justine.” It was almost as if this couple needed to sink down into another level of adultery hell, before they could truly open up to each other. The rest of the counseling was straightforward and they decided to get married and truly commit to each other. In this case, a Retaliatory affair had a happy ending but most people are not so fortunate.
Frank and Alice were both in their early forties when they came into counseling, after he discovered her affair. “What makes me the most angry is not that she has lied and cheated and betrayed me, but that I had hundreds of offers but turned them down because I love my wife,” he explained. Frank was a cameraman and often went away to exotic locations for a few days at a time. I was not surprised that he used the next trip away to sleep with another woman. Alice takes up the story: “He couldn’t get home soon enough to tell me.” “How did you react?” I asked. “It’s pathetic. I’ve lost what little respect I had left for him.” Frank had gained no satisfaction from his extramarital sex and Alice’s cold reaction had made him even more depressed. A few weeks later, Alice asked for a divorce and they ended their counseling.
Common characteristics
• The person who has been unfaithful thinks that, if she or he wounds their partner, they will feel better themselves. It is a high-risk strategy that often backfires.
• These are people who find it hard to show the full extent of their anger, or talk about it, so have to find some sneaky way to let it out. This is classic passive aggressive behavior.
• The affair is often about bolstering a low self-image and making the deceiver feel attractive and sexy again. For a second, they feel powerful and in control.
• The deceiver will either confess immediately or leave telltale signs around.
• It is always quickly regretted.
• A Retaliatory affair offers the illusion of evening the score but generally makes matters worse.
What to do?
The desire for revenge might be a natural human emotion but it is not a very attractive one. If your partner has had a Retaliatory affair, you are faced with two choices: to fight back or to forgive. Fighting back just increases the stakes and encourages further reprisals until divorce seems the only option. Forgiveness is tough but if you offer compassion to your partner, he or she is more likely to be compassionate about your mistakes or failings.
What about the passive aggressive behavior? This is when someone cannot be angry to your face, so goes along with whatever is suggested but later sabotages the agreement. My advice is to be wary of too quick or too easy agreement on difficult issues. Instead, encourage a debate about an option: “What should we do about further contact with the third party?”; rather than laying down the law: “I want you to promise never to speak to them again.” The latter might be your first choice but during a debate your partner might explain: “I feel that I owe it to her to talk face-to-face about why we have to end” or “It is his son’s birthday next week and I promised him I would go ice skating.” You might not like these replies but it is better to talk through the issues—and hopefully find a compromise—than for your partner to agree to your face but sneak off behind your back.
Infidelity ladder
Occasionally, someone will keep their Retaliatory affair secret; a private solace to help them cope with their partner’s perceived insensitivity. Under these circumstances, the affair will either become Self-medication or, if it continues, Tripod. However, most Retaliatory affairs are make or break: either a couple will begin to communicate better or the relationship will break down completely.
4. Self-medication
When couples have long-term problems that have been allowed to fester or are acknowledged but nothing is done about them, the relationship becomes fertile ground for a Self-medication affair. In these relationships, one or both partners feel trapped by duty, the children, marriage vows, financial circumstances, or habit. Worse still, the couple are so far apart that they cannot imagine a way that anything could change for the better and have settled for second or even third best. In a sense, these relationships are “too good to leave but too bad to stay.”
An example of a life in this kind of limbo is Brendan who is fifty-two and has been married for twenty-six years. He no longer loves his wife but they get on “okayish.” They have not had sex for seven years, stopped sharing a bedroom four years ago, and lead more or less separate lives. “I really do not want to hurt anyone, but I am not sure that I can go on pretending that I’m happy.” So how does Brendan cope on a day-to-day basis? The answer, of course, is a Self-medication affair: “The lady I am spending time with is different to anyone I have come across before. She is just—well, lovely. I’ve gone to bits over her. Should I just shut up—stop the nonsense and just accept my sexless marriage? I do not know, but I don’t think this is how I imagined my life at this point in time.” In the same way that some people use a drink after work to unwind, Brendan has been using his affair to take the edge off his misery. Like all coping strategies, drink and affairs only work in the short term and generally, cause more heartache than facing the original problem.
However, the need for a Self-medication affair can run deep. Even after her husband discovered her infidelity, thirty-five-year-old Stephanie, continued to see her lover, on and off, for three years. As she admitted, this is partly because she was “selfish,” but mainly because she believed that she needed the affair: “I’m very tactile and my husband is not. He also doesn’t open up as much as I do. I suppose I thought I could cope with it when we were first married, but it’s got harder and harder. I have explained to my husband how I want him to be over and over again.” Stephanie’s misery was so deeply ingrained, the rush of the adrenaline from the affair so powerful, and the distance from her partner so great, that there seemed no other option.
Common characteristics
• Both parties are disappointed and unhappy but have been unable to express it in a constructive way.
• The problems are so deep-rooted and long-running that neither party can really put their finger on when things went wrong.
• Subsequently, the couple have grown so far apart that they are living separate lives. In some cases, the atmosphere is quite calm on the surface but this is because neither partner cares enough to fight.
• Both partners will have used coping strategies to endure an unsatisfactory relationship. The person who has been deceived will probably have been losing themselves in work or getting their need for closeness met by the children. Although this is not as destructive as an affair, it is still neglecting the relationship.
• These affairs generally last for six months or more.
• There could have been infidelity in the past, but the lessons were not learnt or the pain was simply swept under the carpet.
• People in their middle years are particularly prone to this kind of affair. At this life stage, we are faced with the reality of our mortality—perhaps by the death of a parent—and the realization that we will not conquer the world and that neither our children nor our partner are perfect. Worse still, there is the fear that life will only get worse.
• Therefore, a Self-medication affair is often used to boost self-confidence or reaffirm desirability and potency.
What to do?
At first sight, this seems a tough affair from which to recover. However, it is important to recognize the positives: all the problems are finally out in the open and the full attention of both partners is now concentrated on the relationship. A good way to kick start the necessary changes is to use the flop-flip technique. This is taking your normal way of dealing with a problem (which has proved to be a flop) and doing the complete opposite (flipping it over). For example, if you have always bitten your tongue—say what you think. If you have always exploded—try counting to ten and being rational. If you have always ignored small niggles—like leaving outdoor shoes in the hallway—explain what is irritating and discuss alternative solutions with your partner. Not only will these changes provide a boost to your self-confidence but they will also bring you close enough to begin to address the underlying issues. In cases where couples have never really argued—just occasionally sniped or muttered under their breath—this could mean the first real row. If this is you, do not panic as these are deep-seated relationship problems and sometimes have to get worse before they can get better.
Infidelity ladder
This kind of affair is about in the middle of the ladder. For this reason, affairs on lower rungs, if left unchecked, will grow into Self-medication. This is what happened with Tania who was having an affair with a friend: “It has not helped to revive the sexual desire for my husband, as I thought it may. It has somehow strengthened whatever was solid in my marriage—by making me more aware of the things I like—but exposed more obviously the failings. I feel that I’m at a crossroads. I feel this moment is absolutely crucial—an excellent chance to reinvent myself.” If the third party is particularly committed or the need for Self-medication becomes entrenched, this type of affair will move up to Tripod or even “Exit.” With any kind of drug use—in essence this is what a Self-medication affair is about—it is easy to tip into addiction and multiple partners, which is the hallmark of the next type of infidelity.
5. Don Juan and Doña Juana affair
Don Juan is a legendary seducer of woman who first made his appearance in Spanish literature in the seventeenth century. Since then he has appeared in books, plays, operas, and epic poems leaving a trail of broken hearts, angry husbands, and outraged fathers, but Don Juan always remains unrepentant. These epic characters capture our imagination because they tell us something about our own lives. So it is not surprising that, from time to time, I find Don Juan or his female counterpart, Doña Juana, in my counseling room.
A typical example would be Jake, a handsome man in his mid twenties who seemed to live on his nerves. His partner, Holly, was slightly younger. They had two children and had lived together since their late teens. He had officially admitted to only one affair but Holly claimed to know of at least twelve. “I like women. I get on well with them, so if I’ve got a problem I like to talk it over with a woman,” he explained. “In bars?” Holly broke in. Jake did not answer; he counterclaimed: “She’s had an affair too.” Holly came right back: “But we were on a break.”
The couple explained that they would row about infidelity, until the atmosphere became unbearable and Jake would disappear off to his parents for a few days. When he returned home, they would make passionate love but none of the problems would be discussed. “Sometimes, I think I can’t live with him and I can’t live without him,” explained Holly.
Contrary to popular opinion, women can be philanderers too. Mia was not only married, but would normally have a long-term lover on the side plus occasional one-night stands: “They would give me a buzz, make me feel powerful, and desired.” Yet at the same time her affairs seldom brought much joy: “I remember sitting in one lover’s car and just banging my head against the windscreen over and over again.” She would be so gripped with jealousy that she would do hurtful and foolish, things: “I once posed as a potential buyer for another boyfriend’s house, so I could be shown around by the agent. There was this wall in the kitchen covered in happy snaps of my lover and his girlfriend on vacation, entertaining friends, looking all smug and pleased with themselves. When the agent wasn’t looking, I scrawled CHEAT across them. So my lover would know I’d been in the house.”
Like many female philanderers, Mia had been sexually abused as a child and had a low opinion of herself. Her husband would either look the other way or, when she had to confront him with unwelcome news—such as her becoming pregnant with another man’s child—just grunt and walk away. Mia did eventually get professional help but it was a long and complex journey.
As you can imagine, being in a relationship with a Don Juan or Doña Juana is difficult and often extremely painful. However, on the surface, they are outgoing, confident, and normally very attractive. It is easy to see why so many people are drawn to them. So how can you tell if your partner, boyfriend, or girlfriend falls into this category or if the problem is less serious and simply a cry for help or a lifestage crisis? Look at the following list and see how many seem familiar.
Common characteristics
• At the beginning, DJs (Don Juans and Doña Juanas) besiege their target with attention, flattery, and gifts.
• The object of their attraction is almost swept away by the DJ’s desire and, because they often feel like they are living inside a movie, they quickly agree to sex. It is normally incredible and the target will feel that there has been a real connection.
• DJs have difficulty coping with stress and, rather than confront problems, they will walk away. This is often when their desire for sex is at its highest. (I interviewed one thirty-year-old man, Daniel, who would ejaculate twenty times a week and had sex with eighteen people in the previous month—including his partner. I asked why he needed so much. His reply was that it was: “either because I’m getting tense about something or because I’m randy and don’t always want to bother my partner.”)
• They have a desire to escape from or suppress unpleasant feelings and to use sex to achieve this goal. Many seem to have an inner void that can only ever be temporarily filled.
• On the surface, these are confident people but underneath they have low self-esteem and a constant need to prove themselves.
• DJs will often have one-night stands and run several “affairs” at the same time.
• They have a distorted picture of how their behavior affects other people. They either consider it a “private matter” or feel that the other person is overreacting. Daniel described his behavior as “a bodily function, like going to the toilet. It doesn’t mean much.”
• When confronted by evidence of philandering, DJs either get angry and defensive or become tearful and try to get sympathy (for childhood problems or uncaring former partners). However, there is seldom any long-term commitment to change.
What to do?
It is often harder than you would imagine to end a relationship with a Don Juan or Doña Juana. This is partly because they are always promising to change and partly because the beginning of the relationship was such a buzz. Daniel’s partner, Debbie, explained: “The sex was magical, like every cell in our bodies was vibrating at the same rhythm.” (In a small way, this euphoria is like the high that DJs get from their conquests.) However, it is impossible to live in the past and in the present tense these relationships are profoundly harmful. If you have been dating a short time and have just discovered your boyfriend or girlfriend’s DJ-style infidelity, my advice is to learn and move on. If this is not your first DJ, you need to question why you find dangerous men or unfaithful women so attractive. The clue is probably in your relationship with your father or mother. (There is more about this in my book The Single Trap: The Two-Step Guide to Escaping It and Finding Lasting Love, published by Bloomsbury.)
What about long-term relationships? Most of the partners of DJs have a very clear idea as to just how bad the cheating has become, but have chosen to close their eyes. I have a lot of sympathy for this approach because the alternatives are not attractive. One alternative is that you can try and negotiate ground rules. Hazel, forty-three, is the partner of a bisexual Don Juan and has accepted his relationships with men—as long as he comes back to her at the end of the evening—but has banned sex with other women: “I have no problems as long as he tells me what he gets up to, but to start off he would fob me off with ‘nothing much.’ But it’s better now because we have a laugh about how dirty he has been with other men.” This is not an option that many people would choose but Hazel believes: “If you love someone you put up with their little faults.” The other alternative is to end the relationship. You have probably threatened to leave before or actually done so, but then have been seduced back with promises of change or pleas for second chances. You will know, from bitter experience, how easily these promises are made and how quickly forgotten.
Infidelity ladder
This type of affair is pretty much at the top of the ladder. With so many third parties, it is unlikely that anyone of them will stick and become a Tripod affair. Don Juans and Doña Juanas seldom end a relationship; it is normally their partner whose patience is exhausted, and so they seldom turn into Exit affairs either.
6. Tripod
This type of affair lasts longer than the other types and normally means much more to both the deceiver and the third party. There can be a variety of reasons for the longevity of these infidelities: the person in the middle cannot choose, she or he is happy with the status quo, or the third party is unavailable. However, the common thread is always durability—after all, in the construction industry, triangles are the structures that can bear the biggest load. So why do so many people find themselves trapped in Tripod affairs?
Perhaps, it is their sheer familiarity. Most people’s first ever relationship is a triangle: baby, mother, and father. Another reason is that being close to someone is both thrilling and frightening. Humans are social creatures and need loving relationships but this involves the risk of being rejected or being taken over by our beloved. In contrast, a Tripod affair manages closeness by spreading the load! (As Princess Diana memorably explained: “There were three of us in this marriage; it was a bit crowded.”) Whenever the main relationship becomes too intense, the person in the middle can always escape into the arms of the third person in the Tripod—a safety valve where all troubles can be momentarily forgotten. Although the affair will be intense, it is never too intense because the deceiver has prior commitments. Sometimes—as, for example, in the case of the Prince and Princess of Wales—there is a matching his and hers Tripod affair. Just like the other types of affair, this infidelity is serving a purpose; so that even if the deceiver ends one extramarital relationship, he or she will often start another. As the thrice-married businessman James Goldsmith (1933–97) famously said: “When a man marries his mistress it creates a job opportunity.”
Jackie is fifty-five and has been married for twenty-one years, but has not had any sexual relations with her husband for over ten years. For the past seven, she has been having an affair with a younger man: “My affair has improved my life more than I can say, although it was a bit of a roller coaster at the beginning. I have someone who is a very close friend in whom to confide everything and anything. I have the best sex ever, in all sorts of unusual places. He keeps me younger and happier because I have someone to laugh with. I would be very lonely without him. It keeps me going.” The difference between a Tripod and an Exit affair is that, in a Tripod affair, the lovers cannot imagine a way of being together full-time. Jackie explains: “It would cause a lot of upset with my children and both his family and mine, plus I am too old to ever have children with him. No one can ever know how close we really are.” I would imagine that her husband is suspicious but has chosen not to investigate further, or knows and prefers not to rock the boat.
Common characteristics
• These affairs normally last for upward of two years.
• Although, on the surface, the primary relationship of the deceiver will have been reasonably stable, the affair is a shadow that undermines and sucks the life out of it.
• The deceiver will “love” or “have feelings” for the third party and they will have fantasized about life together. They will have also engineered weekends and even vacations together.
• Infidelity has moved from a coping mechanism to a settled part of the deceiver’s life.
• The person in the middle feels torn between their two lovers but ultimately is unable to give up either the security and status of the long-term relationship or the excitement of the extra-marital affair.
• Modern technology makes it hard to keep affairs secret because credit-card bills, cell phones, and email accounts provide incontrovertible proof. Therefore the deceived often collude by being extraordinarily naive, by shutting his or her eyes to the mounting evidence, or just by hoping that the affair will burn itself out.
• At the moment when a Tripod affair comes out into the open, the deceived often feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off their shoulders.
• Frequently there is a history of infidelity or divorce in either the family of the deceiver or the deceived. This could explain why the deceived has put up with a relationship that borders on being, or is, abusive and how the deceiver has managed to “normalize” his or her behavior.
• Even when a Tripod affair is revealed, the deceiver will often shuttle between their partner and the third party. In so doing, he or she will make everyone, including themselves, thoroughly miserable.
What to do?
The number one priority after the discovery of a Tripod affair is to end it. However, because the deceiver will have emotional ties and sometimes even children with the third party, this is easy to promise but hard to deliver. Yet it is impossible to solve the problems with the primary relationship when there is a ready-made escape hatch if times get tough. So what’s the answer? The first step is to be realistic. Discuss with your partner how he or she suggests winding up the affair rather than imposing your preferred formula. It is better to have all the issues out in the open and to find a compromise together, rather than having everything your way but later discovering that your partner has gone behind your back again. If you are fair and reasonable, there is no reason for further deceit.
If your partner too readily promises to cut all ties, ask if the plan is really workable. He or she will probably offer anything to placate you but once again the truth is better than empty words. Next, expect slipups and disappointments. The third party will probably keep contacting your partner and, although he or she can be discouraging, it is almost impossible to prevent someone from, for example, turning up at work. Although it is tempting to explode, this will only encourage your partner to be selective about the information passed on. Keep the lines of communication open and discuss your options: should you tell the third party’s partner? Should you instruct a solicitor to write a warning letter?
If your partner is unable or unwilling to give up the third party, let him or her go. I know this is painful, and that you fear handing victory to your rival. However, it is better in the long run. As you will read in the next chapter, there is a strong possibility that the affair will collapse and, over time, your partner will realize his or her mistake. Until both you and your partner are fully committed to working on your relationship, it is pointless to try and save it.
Infidelity ladder
The only consolation of a Tripod affair is that it seldom turns into an Exit affair. There is always something strong in the original relationship and, with patience, this can be rediscovered and built on.
7. Exploratory
We live in a culture that constantly encourages us to compare our possessions, lifestyle, and experiences with everyone else. Although this gives rise to high aspirations, it can also leave us envious, dissatisfied, and ripe for an Exploratory affair. Such affairs are also on the rise among people at a life crossroad—for example, reaching forty or with children going off to school—who are questioning their past choices and wondering how things would have been “if only.” For example, “if only I had stayed with my first love” or “I had not got married,” or “I had admitted that I’m bicurious.”
This kind of affair is a door opener. At one end of the scale, the deceiver may take a look at the world outside their relationship, decide it’s not for them, and retreat. At the other, it could be the beginning of a journey that ends with the deceiver leaving. Therefore, it is hard to judge the seriousness of this kind of infidelity.
Exploratory affairs tend to be short term and often sexual in nature. In perhaps half the cases I see, the deceiver is reasonably satisfied with their primary relationship but has an overwhelming curiosity about what sex or life would be like with someone other than their partner. Often these people have married young and have a routine or limited sex life.
The other ingredient for an Exploratory affair is that the deceiver must feel it is impossible to talk to their partner about their desires. “I had married at nineteen and, being a ‘good’ girl, I knew nothing about sex at all. My husband was Catholic and, although older, knew scarcely any more. So things in the bedroom were rushed, unsatisfactory, and occasionally even painful,” explains Sheena who credits her affair with improving her marriage. With three small children, she could not go out to work, so took on piecework at home and became friendly with the man who delivered her materials and oversaw her work. “I was able to learn things from my lover—who was much more experienced—and gradually, so as not to raise suspicions, I’d introduce these techniques into my lovemaking with my husband.” Fortunately, her husband never found out but she had a couple of nasty scares. “I was involved in a minor car accident—just a shunt—on my way back from my lover. There was no reason why I should have been in that part of town and that brought me back to my senses. My children were a bit older, I had started to go out to work, and my confidence had grown. There was no reason to continue the affair, so I cooled it and we drifted apart.”
Often the affair settles nothing and the deceiver finds themselves in limbo. The experience has increased general dissatisfaction with their partner but, as many Exploratory affairs remained undiscovered, there is no impetus to work on the relationship. Megan, thirty-three, had been married for six years when she had her Exploratory affair. “I learnt to appreciate my husband better but I also noticed what I have missed.” She considered telling her husband but knew that if she did he would seek a divorce. “I have kept busy to distract myself, suppressed my feelings, taken courses of acupuncture, and read self-help books.” The result has been two years of depression.
Common characteristics
• The majority of deceivers in Exploratory affairs discover that the grass is not necessarily greener on the other side and learn to appreciate what they have.
• For this reason, it is hard to judge the severity of an Exploratory affair. In some ways, it is similar to a Cry for help affair and can be turned around with some relatively minor changes. Conversely, it can tip a relationship under strain into crisis.
• This is the kind of affair that the deceiver will describe as “just sex.”
• The deceiver may not know themselves how important the affair has been. It is probably only in hindsight that she or he realizes that this was a turning point.
• The partner of someone who has had an Exploratory affair is often demoralized and afraid. Unlike other types of affair, there is no clear-cut way back. It can feel like their partner is not asking them to behave differently but to be someone else.
What to do?
Dealing with an Exploratory affair is very frustrating. As your partner is trying to “find” herself or himself, rather than complain about your behavior, the obvious solutions of trying harder or changing will have little effect. It is also common to feel angry. After all, there are lots of ways for your partner to rediscover his or her youth, boost self-confidence, or explore different ways of being which do not involve betrayal! So how do you move forward? I would still concentrate on the issues that you can change—like your own behavior and communication style—rather than obsessing about what you can’t. I would also stop trying to reason or convince your partner that she or he is wrong. You are probably wasting your energy, increasing your personal upset, and making him or her even more stubborn. Stepping back, temporarily, will lower the tension in the house and hopefully open up more fruitful discussions.
Infidelity ladder
An Exploratory affair does not inevitably turn into an Exit affair. However, curiosity about sex outside the relationship can easily become a need and, at this point, an Exploratory affair will become a Self-medication affair.
8. Exit
Although some people have an Exit affair because they have fallen in love with the third party, and cannot imagine life without them, the majority are simply sending a clear message to their partner that the relationship is over. Under these circumstances, the couple will have struggled, off and on, to sort out their problems and have either drifted so far apart or become so angry that communication is almost impossible. In many ways, an Exit affair is like negotiating through a loud-hailer: nasty, dramatic, and blunt.
Frank and Jenny, in their mid-fifties, had been living separate lives and only really spoke to each other when their daughter and grandchildren visited them. It had been many years since they last made love. “I’ve thought for a long time that we should quit while we’re both young enough to find someone else but Jenny is Catholic and that’s unthinkable,” explained Frank. “We don’t see enough of each other—that’s the only problem,” Jenny interrupted. “It’s because there’s a big contract on at work and I’ve had to rent an apartment nearby,” said Frank. However, it soon became clear that Frank’s contract at work would last at least eighteen months and that he had no intention of giving up his bolt-hole. “And anyway, having to cope on your own has been good for you. You’re more confident,” Frank told Jenny.
My guess was that Frank had effectively already left home and had started counseling—not to save his marriage, but to transfer some of the responsibility he felt for his wife on to me. However, it was only a guess because Frank did not open up and only hinted at his true intentions. On the rare occasions that Frank seemed about to open up to Jenny, she would become tearful—almost to the point of hysteria—and he would placate her. Their sessions were painful and unproductive, so we ended counseling. Six months later, they returned after Jenny discovered that Frank had started an affair with a woman at work. It was almost as if Frank, unable to communicate using words, had sent Jenny a message that could not be ignored. Although the affair quickly petered out, the marriage did not last either.
Martin, forty-two, is another example of someone having an Exit affair. “Ten years or so ago, my wife and I went through a pretty rocky period. From where I sit now, I think I should have made the break at that point. As I remember, I could have walked then and, looking back, should have; but hindsight is a great thing.” In his opinion, his marriage was “all over bar the shouting at each other” when he met the third party. As is characteristic of many Exit affairs, Martin does not seem to get much pleasure or joy from his adultery. Rather, it is seen as the lesser of two evils: “I suppose it might have been easier to suffer, as I put it, as the position I find myself in is going to destroy several lives—even if only for a short time.”
Common characteristics
• There have been long-term problems with the relationship.
• This is probably not the first affair, although previous ones may have only been suspected and not confirmed.
• On this occasion, the deceiver has done little to cover up the affair and when it is discovered shows little contrition.
• The attitude of the deceiver is very cold and he or she will often refuse to answer anything beyond the bare facts of the adultery.
• Their partners will be frustrated and angry, and left with hundreds of unanswered questions. In effect, they are trapped in the previous stage of Intense Questioning.
• The deceiver has regressed and is behaving like a self-absorbed teenager. If they are leaving because of a “soul mate,” he or she will be full of manic energy and almost drunk on love. If they are leaving because the central relationship has broken down, he or she will be sulky, uncommunicative, and appear depressed.
What to do?
It is very easy to get absorbed in the unfolding drama and to forget to look after yourself. So remember that you are going through a crisis and do not push yourself too hard. Get support from friends and family and find ways to cope with the stress. (Lots of exercise helps, as this burns off some of the worry and helps you sleep better, too.) Be careful not to burden your children with too many details. In the long-term, they will need a good relationship with the parent who is leaving—so do not make them your confidant or go-between.
Infidelity ladder
It goes without saying that this is the top rung. However, an Exit affair does not necessarily mean the end of the relationship. It is possible that it could fall back to an Exploratory affair—and the unfaithful partner returns—or a very extreme Cry for help affair.
Five questions to help you decide on your next move
For many people, understanding the nature of their partner’s infidelity and some of the root causes provides the necessary clarity to move forward. If you are still undecided, I have five questions to help and some guidance on interpreting your answers.
1. How much responsibility should you take for what has happened?
Go back to the formula from Stage Two, Intense Questioning: Problem + Poor Communication + Temptation = Affair. With your increased understanding of the type of affair, what have you learnt about the communication between you and your partner? What changes could you make that would benefit the relationship—without compromising your dignity and self-esteem?
Interpreting your answers
If there are constructive changes that you would like to make (for example, listening more, talking more, being more honest about your feelings and needs, spending more time together), then I believe that you should decide to fight for the relationship. If your answer is that there is little or nothing that will improve communication or the changes are self-destructive (for example, watching him or her like a hawk or conversely turning a blind eye), then you should seriously consider the wisdom of continuing.
2. What sort of person is your partner?
Putting aside your partner’s behavior during the affair (and all the selfish, destructive, and harmful actions), what kind of person is he or she at their true core? Is your partner kind, thoughtful, hardworking, or generous? What other admirable qualities can you come up with? What qualities have made it hard for the two of you to live together?
Interpreting your answers
When looking over the whole course of your relationship—and putting aside both your current disappointments and the honeymoon period when you first met—if your partner is basically a good man or woman, I believe you should fight for the relationship. If your partner has been mainly unfeeling, controlling, neurotic, abusive, or violent—with the exception of the honeymoon period when he or she was wooing—then I believe you should think again. If the positives are all about your partner’s potential or how she or he behaves in sporadic golden moments (like in the making-up phase after a terrible fight), then I think you should also consider leaving. What counts is the core of your partner’s real personality, not how you would like him or her to be.
3. How do you feel about your partner?
Do you like your partner? Do you love or respect her or him? Do you share the same goals and dreams?
Interpreting your answers
Although blind love on its own is not enough to sustain a relationship, if your love is still strong and, most importantly, you also like and respect your partner, then there is something to fight for. Shared bonds and interests are positive, too, and provide a framework on which to build. If your feelings are still strong but incredibly negative—by this I mean feelings such as hatred, anger, desire for revenge—then there is still life in your relationship. However, if your feelings are neutral, cool, or indifferent, I doubt there is any drive left to save the relationship. We think that the opposite of love is hate but, in reality, it is apathy.
4. What would be the impact on other people if you split up?
In my online research into adultery, this was the most important factor for people deciding to fight for their relationships. In fact, 85 percent of respondents cited the impact on their family. This is no surprise. In a crisis, our natural reaction is to gather up and protect our children.
Indeed, the research backs up our instinct that divorce harms children. In the seventies, Judith Wallerstein, PhD, the founder and executive director of the Center for the Family in Transition in California, decided to study the impact of family break-up. She recruited sixty families with 131 children between the ages of two and eighteen from referrals by lawyers and family courts. As she expected, little children had trouble sleeping, older children had trouble concentrating at school, and adolescents were acting out their pain and anger. The surprise came when she returned for the eighteen months’ follow-up. Instead of recovering and getting on with their lives, as she had expected them to be doing, the symptoms of distress were even worse. So Wallerstein decided to follow up her families again—five, ten, and twenty years after divorce. Here are her main findings after eighteen months, five years, and ten years:
At eighteen months:
• The turmoil and distress of the break-up had not noticeably subsided.
• One third of younger children did not believe what they had been told and still thought their parents would get back together again.
• Only one child in ten was relieved that their parents had divorced. These were older children who had witnessed violence and were frightened that either they or one of their parents would get hurt.
At five years:
• About a third of the children were doing better. These were families where the parents had fought openly and the atmosphere in the house had been miserable. They had also maintained a good relationship with both their parents.
• However, a third of the children in the sample were significantly worse and had become clinically depressed. Wallerstein reported: “True, some couples were no longer standing in the same kitchen screaming at each other; they were screaming on the telephone instead. Or they fought face to face while dropping off or picking up [their] children. The illusion we had held—that divorce brings an end to marital conflict—was shattered.”
• The majority of children still hoped that their parents would get back together again, even if one or both had remarried. As one child told Wallerstein: “If they can divorce once, they can do it again.”
• Few of the children were truly sympathetic to their parents or really understood why their parents divorced—even when their parents thought it was obvious.
At ten years:
• Three out of five children felt rejected by at least one of their parents.
• Half of the women and a third of the men were still intensely angry.
• One in four children had experienced a sharp drop in living standards.
• However, half the adults were happy with their present lives and considered divorce a closed book with no regrets.
• Divorce is an unpredictable lottery. “Some of the most troubled, depressed, and fretful children in our study turned out fine ten years later, while some of the least troubled, seemingly content, and calmest children were in poor shape,” reports Wallerstein. “One cannot predict the long-term effects from how they react at the outset.”
Interpreting your answers
If you and your partner have children or complex family ties, I believe splitting up should be the last resort. By contrast, if you have no children and your families will only be sad or disappointed if you separate, perhaps the infidelity is an early warning and that it would be unwise to commit yourself further to the relationship.
5. How committed is your partner to repairing the relationship?
Does your partner beg for another chance? Does she or he seem genuinely sorry and truly to have digested the hurt that has been caused? Do your partner’s actions back up his or her words or does your partner say one thing and do another?
Interpreting your answers
If your partner is keen to repair your relationship, this is a definite plus point. If he or she is ambivalent, the task is harder but still possible. Even if your partner has been caught texting or emailing their ex-lover, this should not stop you fighting for the relationship. Ultimately, the question at this point should be: “What do I want? To fight or to walk away?,” not “If I fight for this relationship, will I be successful?”
Still stuck?
Recovery from infidelity is such a high-wire act that everybody loses their nerve and wonders if they have made the right decision. However, some people get trapped in the decision phase and are unable to find any clarity. If this sounds familiar, it is probably down to one of the following reasons:
• Waiting for a sign from your partner. Either your partner is so mixed up that he or she is unable to give a clear commitment, or words are not enough on their own to convince you. Either way, you need concrete proof that your partner wants to stay before you make your own mind up. If this is you: think about what form the proof might take—for example, a second honeymoon. And instead of expecting your partner to be a mind reader, tell him or her what would help.
• Abdicating responsibility to your partner. Waiting for your partner to make up her or his mind, before you can decide yourself, leaves you in no-man’s land. If this is you: it feels risky to commit—to saving the relationship on your own—in case you are rejected for a second time. However, the alternative is to be stuck feeling impotent and hopeless. By contrast, fighting for what you want is empowering.
• Trying to work out the pros and cons. It makes intellectual sense to put all the benefits of staying in one column and balance them against the benefits of leaving—rather like using the scales held by the Lady Justice on top of the Old Supreme Court building. Unfortunately, it is impossible to weigh the known qualities of today against the unknown events of tomorrow. No wonder people who are approaching the decision like a judge get stuck. If this is you: try making a diagnosis instead—rather like a doctor—and look for signs of health in your relationship. Is there something worth fighting for? Or are you trying to revive a dead corpse?
For the Discovered: Decision Time
• Since your affair has been revealed, you will have been under a lot of pressure to make a commitment to either your partner or your lover.
• For some people this is a clear-cut decision; however, others are left unable to choose between two very different people.
• If you are undecided, ask yourself: what did my affair mean to me? To help with this process, look at the eight types of infidelity (Accidental; Cry for help; Self-Medication; Retaliatory; Don Juan or Doña Juana—serially unfaithful; Tripod—long-term; Exploratory; or Exit).
• Next, ask yourself: are there other ways of fulfilling these needs? For example, what other ways could I feel good about myself or wanted?
• What would be the consequences of leaving? What about your children? If your lover has children too, what would it be like to be a stepfather or stepmother? Be aware that divorce is not something to which children quickly adjust but, rather, the most important event of their whole childhood.
• Try to avoid shuttling backward and forward between your partner and your lover. This is the most painful option for everybody concerned—including yourself. No decision is ever perfect and whether you stay or go, you will have to learn to cope with loss.
• If you’re considering taking time away from home to think, be specific about how much. For example, a weekend. Choose somewhere your partner will consider “safe”—like your parents’ house—so your time-out is not viewed as an opportunity for a liaison with your lover.
New skill: Confident and productive decision-making
In the business world, decision-making is something that is endlessly studied. So what can we learn from the management sciences and how do we apply it to personal problems? Good decisions are made when the following conditions are met: all the options are fully considered; the evidence is properly tested; it is done in a timely manner and the goals are well defined.
So let’s look at each of these conditions and how they apply to infidelity. First, have you considered all the options? When something is very painful—like splitting up or facing the demons in a relationship—the temptation is to peak into the future and then close our eyes. The result is that people plunge blindly on or shut down an option without truly considering it. They can also overlook halfway options—like sleeping on the couch or staying with parents for the weekend. In good decision-making, people test the facts rather than assert or assume them. So get legal advice and work out the finances.
It is also important to consider all the evidence. Unfortunately, we tend to focus on memories that are most easily retrievable, which tend to be recent or emotional (in other words, heavily dependent on the last few months and overlooking the whole history of the relationship). We also tend to remember evidence that shows us in a good light (researchers call this self-serving bias) or supports our viewpoint (called confirmation bias).
The next test of good decision-making is whether it is done in a “timely” manner. At one end of the scale, I have counseled people who have leapt too quickly into committing to saving their relationship—when they were still in shock and not in possession of all the facts. At the other extreme, I’ve seen couples who have not actively decided to stay together but have put off the decision so long that it became a fait accompli. However, for most people, a timely decision will be made somewhere between two weeks and two months after the discovery of the infidelity.
Finally, good decision-making needs “well defined goals.” These are targeted, specific, and measurable. For example, going into couples therapy or having an evening out together once a fortnight, and should be regularly reviewed.
What hinders good decision-making? In my experience, couples who get stuck in this phase tend to use advocacy rather than inquiry to settle their differences. Advocacy is a contest where each side strives to persuade the other and defends their weak points. The result is that one partner “wins” and the other “loses.” Inquiry, by contrast, is about collaborative problem solving. Each partner remains open to alternatives and accepts constructive criticism. The result is that both gain something and both compromise on something.
Summary
• There are eight kinds of infidelity, and understanding which kind of affair your partner has had will help you assess the long-term viability of your relationship.
• An affair can start as one kind of infidelity but over time can change into something more serious and threatening.
• When deciding whether to stay or go, it is better to make a diagnosis about the overall health of your relationship, like a doctor, rather than weigh up the evidence like a judge. This is especially important because people tend to overestimate the duration of the bad times and underestimate the amount of time needed to recover from a divorce.
• It is difficult to make good decisions when you are preoccupied with trying either to second-guess your partner’s feelings or to convince your partner to stay (and therefore are unable to listen to your own heart or head).
• Couples often get stuck because, instead of agreeing to try and make their relationship better, the Discoverer is asking for a guarantee that it will work out or the Discovered feels obliged to make such a promise.
EXERCISES
Coping with the highs and lows
It is hard to make good decisions if you are swinging from euphoria to despair—often for the flimsiest of reasons. To help smooth out some of the highs and lows, try this idea which has been adapted from Buddhist meditation:
• When hit by a wave of panic or despair, stand still with your legs shoulder-width apart or, if possible, find a chair and sit down with your back straight. (If you are somewhere private, close your eyes.)
• Instead of letting your mind race, concentrate on your breathing.
• Feel the air slowly coming in and out of your nose. When your mind starts worrying about “this” or picturing “that,” push the thought away and concentrate on the sensation of air passing in and out of your nose again.
• As you become calmer, imagine the air being breathed out is black negative smoke and the air being breathed in is white and positive.
• Keep going for about five minutes or until you feel more balanced.
• Repeat as often as necessary but, over time, you will find this exercise will get easier, and your mind will be a little less overactive.
At the crossroads
When faced with a difficult decision, it is easy to panic and either immediately plump for what at the time seems the easiest option or become overwhelmed by the multitude of choices. This exercise is designed to help you find a middle way.
1. Take a piece of paper and make a cross in the middle. Mark the ends with arrows, to show the different directions from this crossroads.
2. Go around the signpost and give a name to your four options and write them in. If you cannot think of enough, call one “stay where I am” but try and name all four—even if it is something that sounds unfeasible. If you have more than four options, add extra directions to your signpost.
3. Imagine what it would be like to follow each direction. Close your eyes and conjure up as much detail as possible. Afterward, summarize your findings about how life would look beside that direction.
4. Finally, imagine a little further into the future in each direction and write down the feelings involved if you made that choice.
Accepting that no decision is perfect, which option seems best?
The daily pages
This exercise is designed both to help you locate your inner compass and to cope with difficult times.
• Each day take a fresh piece of paper and write in long hand whatever comes into your head. Do not worry about the punctuation, spelling, or grammar. Just write a stream of consciousness.
• It can be extremely banal (did I put the cat out?) or extremely deep (what am I going to do with the rest of my life?). Just write whatever comes into your head and keep going until you have filled your piece of paper. If nothing comes to mind, just put: “I am writing” over and over again.
• Repeat this exercise every day, or at least five times a week.
• The pages will often be self-pitying, repetitive, childish, angry, silly-sounding, or complete nonsense. It does not matter, put them away for now.
• At the moment, the exercise is about draining the excess emotions and not about understanding anything. So keep writing and filing away.
• At the end of the first week, scan over the pages. Do you notice any patterns or particular concerns?
• Keep up your daily pages and by the end of the second or third week, you will find that it is impossible to write day after day without becoming constructive.
• By this point, the exercise becomes a sort of meditation on understanding yourself. You might like to increase the length of your writing from one page to two or three.
• At the end of the first month, look back over all your daily pages. What changes can you see? How has your mood and attitude shifted? How have your feelings toward your partner and his or her infidelity changed?
• The daily pages will bring feelings to the surface during stuck times (when it seems you or your partner are making no progress) and help purge your feelings during difficult times (when you seem always angry with him or her) but, most importantly, a new way of approaching your partner will gradually emerge. Be patient and keep going.
• Do not be surprised if the daily pages reveal new things that initially feel disconnected from infidelity. For example, you might want to start singing, take up running, or join a book club. These are all ways of valuing yourself, and will help in the long run.
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CHECKPOINT Three key points for surviving Stage Three: 1. Make certain you have all the necessary information to diagnose the seriousness 2. Think through the long-term implications for other people. 3. Concentrate on achieving your preferred outcome. It is better to fight and lose |