When the shock begins to wear off, the Discoverer of infidelity is flooded with a million and one questions. Who is the other woman or man? How long has it been going on? How many people know? Does this mean the relationship is over? Emergency medical teams or detectives investigating a missing person or crime scene talk about the golden hour—when the opportunity for saving the patient or solving the crime is at its height. There is a golden window for rescuing a relationship from the adultery trap too. Rest assured, it is more than sixty minutes. The infidelity golden period lasts for about six months. So don’t panic or go rushing off in several directions at the same time, telling everybody, complicating matters, and possibly trampling over important evidence.
The need to understand
Once the bare facts of the infidelity have been assimilated—who, how long, what happened—the Discoverer needs to make sense of everything. This is why I call Stage Two: Intense Questioning. As Marie, forty-five, explained: “Once I know the truth, and I’ve processed it, I know I can cope. What I can’t deal with is not knowing.” However, there is so much to discover that you can easily be overwhelmed and, with no idea what to expect, frightened too. Therefore, it is important to chop problems down into manageable chunks and to focus on the main job of this stage—finding out as much as possible about the affair—and leave processing this information until later. Here are five strategies for getting the most out of your golden window:
Improve your interview techniques
The first in-depth discussions about the affair are particularly important and should not be hurried.
• Keep the questions open. For example: “When did you first meet her or him?” rather than “Did it start six months ago?,” which might lead your partner to give an answer that he or she thinks you want.
• Don’t rush into making a judgment. You might want to call the third party a “tart” or a “bastard” but this will make your partner clam up, become defensive or start defending their lover. This is a blind alley and will not help your overall understanding.
• Discover the overall state of mind of your partner at the moment when the affair started: “What was going on in your life at this point?” “How did you feel?” This is the first clue to why he or she was unfaithful.
• The best way to understand is to piece together the story of the infidelity. Right from the beginning of time, mankind has told stories in order to make sense of the world. Slowly lead your partner through the events: “What happened next?” or “And then what?”
• Stories have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Do not be tempted to skip ahead to something that makes you particularly anxious as this will only confuse and make it harder to see the full picture.
• Try and keep calm. The more upset or accusatory you become, the more your partner will try and appease you. This can involve skipping unpleasant but important pieces of information (for example, he introduced his lover to his mother after they bumped into her while out shopping together), downplaying how she or he feels about the third party, or, worse still, telling outright lies.
• Get clarification. A lot of the information will not make sense, partly because you are in shock and partly because you probably thought your relationship was perfectly adequate—at least on the surface. So repeat back important sentences as this will prompt your partner to expand and explain.
• Don’t assume. Although the intention behind some of your partner’s actions might seem clear, don’t jump to conclusions but ask instead. For example: “Did you mean to punish me?” or “Did you want to hurt me?” It is probable that your partner will have a different take.
• Silence is a particularly useful tool for gathering information. So do not leap in with the next question, just nod your head or sit quietly. This is often the moment when crucial details are revealed.
• Do not expect to cover everything in one go. In the next few days, you will probably have more questions and at this stage most unfaithful partners are happy to try and explain their behavior.
Learn to spot evasions and equivocation
In my research into adultery, 62 percent of Discoverers reported that their partners held back important information about the infidelity. “He told me that he only had sex with her once,” explains Ellie whom we met in the first chapter. “However, about three months later, he slipped up and said it was ten or fifteen times. I still think that is a gross underestimate.”
Sometimes, people lie to cover smaller but still hurtful details: “I could live with the physical side of the relationship,” says Sybil, thirty-three, “but I found later, when he’d forgotten that he lied, that he had spent some Sundays with her and her friends when he claimed to be with his mates. He also took her on vacation when he said he needed some space to think.”
At this stage, it is hard to know when your partner is telling the truth—after all, he or she has consistently lied while conducting the affair. So here are some telltale signs that point to evasion or equivocation:
• Playing for time: asking “Can you repeat the question?” or pretending not to have heard. This is because liars need to think up a plausible answer or make certain their lies do not contradict each other.
• Asking for definitions: “What do you mean by unfaithful?” This technique is a variation of playing for time but is principally aimed at reducing the scope of a question.
• Preambles to the answer which are a little bit too reassuring. “The truth is . . .” or “I don’t want you to think I’m blowing you off . . .” These are smoke screens designed to make a lie seem more credible.
• Sarcasm and humor. “You would say that . . .” This tactic is used to put the questioner on the back foot and become defensive.
• Providing a juicy tidbit of information to distract your attention. Instead of answering the question, your partner throws you off the scent.
• Something about the explanation does not add up.
Encourage truthfulness
After being discovered, only a few people go on lying in order to continue their affair (in my research, it was only 8 percent). The majority have more complex motives: they fear the whole truth will destroy their relationship, they want to protect their own backs, they are too ashamed to face up to the full extent of their betrayal, or they wish to avoid further hurting their partner. Whatever the motive, or combination of motives, it drives the Discoverer almost to the point of madness and prolongs this intense questioning phase. Here are some strategies to help you to move forward:
• Build a rapport with your partner. The following phrases reduce confrontation and encourage honesty: “I know you wish we weren’t having this conversation” or “This is painful for both of us.”
• Locate the blockages. Ask your partner what is holding him or her back. Try prompts such as: “You think that I will be upset and we’ll fight” (suggests fear), or “You may be thinking I’m making a bigger thing out of this” (suggests shame), or “I know you don’t want to hurt my feelings” (suggests protection).
• Give your partner an update on your feelings. He or she will probably expect the worst, but it is probable that you have absorbed and begun to deal with some aspects of the infidelity. For example: “I understand that you felt neglected but I don’t understand . . .” or “I can accept that you were tempted and had sex but not that . . .” Stating aloud your private thoughts will not only clarify the situation for you but also provide a breakthrough for your partner.
• Explain why honesty is so important. For example: “I’d rather hear it from you first,” “I can live with what happened but not with your lying,” “It will clear the air,” “Getting this off your chest will make you feel better,” or “It will save a lot of heartache and we can begin to put this behind us.”
• Ask yourself if your partner has justifiable fears about a full confession. Will you immediately order him or her out of the house? Will you throw things or become aggressive or even violent? Will you take out your anger on the third party? Will you use the information to turn the children against your partner? Will you rush to judgment and not hear the whole story?
• Monitor your reaction to new nuggets of information.
Be careful not to seize on them as opportunities to vent your anger. (Although this is very tempting, and possibly justifiable, it will make your partner clam up and provide a justification for future silences.) Conversely, proving your partner’s fears of an explosion to be groundless will turn a trickle of information into a flood.
Do you really need to know everything?
On the one hand, it is necessary to have a full picture of the infidelity so that you can make an informed choice about whether or not to fight for the relationship. On the other hand, there comes a time when further digging is counterproductive and makes the Discovered despair. So what is the correct balance?
“I really needed the gory details,” says Jessica, twenty-eight, who had been living with her partner for five years. “I wanted to know if she was better in bed. Did she have a better technique and, if so, what was it? What did she look like? Was she prettier? Were her breasts firmer? I went on and on, until finally he told me everything.” Jessica thought this knowledge would help her “move on” but it had the opposite effect: “It was like she was always in the bed with us.” The couple split up a few weeks later.
Graham, forty-three, whom we met in the first chapter, found his partner’s need-to-know relentless: “Although I told her pretty much everything, I just wanted to forget. But she kept wanting all the fine detail, of where we had stayed, where we had sex, what sex we had, the email accounts with which I had communicated, the emails themselves, the text messages, the poetry I sent her. It was awful bringing it all back up and I’m still not sure it helped particularly.”
Every Discoverer will want to know different amounts and different sorts of information. There is no right or wrong position. To help you find the right balance for yourself and your relationship, ask the following questions:
• Am I trying to punish my partner by making him or her go over the same information again and again?
• Am I punishing myself for not being attentive enough in the past or because of some other perceived failing?
• Am I making my partner repeat details in the hope of catching her or him out and discovering something new? If so, how productive is this strategy?
• Am I in danger of getting stuck in the Intense Questioning stage?
• Is my behavior making a drama out of a crisis?
• What would help me move on to the next stage?
• How could I calmly explain my needs to my partner?
• When would be a good time to do this?
The role of sex in infidelity
An affair always puts the spotlight on a couple’s sex life. This is painful enough but, worse still, it can also reveal two fundamentally different attitudes. These are best summed up by movie legend Mae West: “Sex with love is the greatest thing in life. But sex without love—that’s not so bad either.” For some people, sex equals love. For others, sex equals sex plus sometimes love too. Traditionally, the first has been seen as a female perspective and the latter as a male but, as Mae West (1893–1980) shows, it has never been this clear cut. If couples ever talk about love and sex, they will generally agree that sex without love is empty and meaningless—anything else would lead to a fight, unhappiness, and possibly even divorce. So whatever our past experiences and our private personal thoughts, we smile and agree. Unfortunately, an affair blows this cozy conspiracy out of the water.
When Samantha, thirty-five, found that Mark, thirty-nine, had been having an affair with one of her friends, she was naturally devastated: “I would never have sex with someone unless I truly loved them. I would never even think about sleeping with someone unless I was seriously contemplating spending the rest of my life with him. So it would probably be a clear signal that my marriage was well and truly over.” So, naturally, her first question—when she found a present from the other woman in the car—was: “Do you love her?” Mark’s reaction was typical: “Of course not, I love you. It meant nothing.” Mark and Samantha are not alone in discovering that sex meant something different to each of them.
Researchers at the University of North Carolina looked at what felt like a greater betrayal: sexual or emotional infidelity. They discovered that men are more upset by sexual betrayal (73 percent) than emotional (27 percent). In contrast, women were more concerned by emotional betrayal (68 percent) than sexual (32 percent). This partially explains why men are more likely to keep back details about sex (frequency, where, what they enjoyed) while woman are more likely to hold back about their feelings (how much she loved and the depth of her emotions).
Researchers at Indiana State University were interested in whether gender differences were simply genetic or whether sexuality played a part, so they surveyed both heterosexuals and homosexuals but this time did not force a choice between either sexual or emotional betrayal. Heterosexual men still came out as the most jealous, not only topping the poll for being concerned about sexual infidelity but emotional infidelity also. (This is down to what the researchers call “double-shot” fears. In other words, heterosexual men believed that if a woman was emotionally unfaithful she would probably be sexually unfaithful too.) The results for emotional infidelity were: heterosexual men 55 percent, heterosexual women 30 percent, gay men 24 percent, lesbian women 22 percent. The results for sexual infidelity were: heterosexual men 29 percent, heterosexual women 11 percent, gay men 5 percent, and lesbian women 4 percent.
The issues around sexual infidelity are further complicated by the ubiquity of pornography as many people discover that their partner has been visiting adult chat rooms or watching X-rated movies. Every couple has to decide for themselves what constitutes betrayal and the border between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. However, these discussions can further increase the sense that a partner has become a stranger and make recovery harder. (There is more on “How to talk about sex” in the exercise section.)
What about the third party?
If it is hard to establish the full extent of the infidelity and the importance of sex, it is even harder to gauge the Discovered’s true feelings toward the third party. There are two reasons for this. First, being found out bursts the private bubble of an affair and radically changes everyone’s feelings. (Therefore, your partner will probably be confused or not know how she or he feels toward the third party.) Second, it is impossible to predict the reaction of the third party, whether he or she will retreat or fight for the relationship and what impact this decision will have on your partner. Whatever the circumstances, there will be an overriding need to know: Does he love her? Does she love him? And is it over?
Your partner and the third party
Modern technology means that much of the communication between your partner and the third party will have been saved. If you have read texts and emails (something I would not recommend), there will be a lot of hurtful things that will stick in your memory. “He said she was his ‘soul mate’ and ‘understood him better than anyone else’ and that ‘their love will last forever and ever,’” said Laurie, thirty-eight. “What I can’t reconcile is that he now says it was not serious and he doesn’t really have any feelings for her.” To understand the stark differences between what her partner says and what he wrote, it is important to understand the role of fantasy in affairs.
Real relationships are built on small acts of service (“He will drop her off at the station” or “she will shop for his mom when she comes out of hospital”) and long stretches of time getting to really know each other. In stark contrast, the secrecy of an affair means that these everyday exchanges are absent, and fantasy—however implausible—rushes in to fill the gap. In many affairs, fantasy is all the lovers have and it gets pumped up to the epic statements that Laurie discovered. The reality is often rather banal. So if you find damning love letters, treat them as an insight into the relationship at the moment they were written but not the gospel truth about your partner’s feelings today.
Dealing with the third party
The problems of unraveling real emotions from those pumped-up by fantasy are highlighted by Isabella whose husband of sixteen years had an affair: “He promised that it was over but said that he needed some space.” They separated and went into counseling. Throughout this time, she found it hard to understand her husband’s feelings: “Sometimes he would be distant, or tearful, and a couple of times promised me that his affair was over. He said we were still working to get back together and on no account were we to see other people. Sometimes I got suspicious and asked if he was seeing her again. After all, we were living apart and what was to stop him? He thought it sounded like I was trying to push him into her arms. He vehemently denied seeing her again, would get quite angry, and said he was having a nervous breakdown.” During this time, they started dating again and eventually, after four months, he asked to move back into the family house.
For the first six weeks after he returned, everything was fine. “Then his lover phoned me with the ‘you have the right to know’ speech. They had carried on the affair until he came home. She begged me to let her have him, as she had left her own husband for him. For about three days, she pestered me with calls and texts. She came to our house, when I was out, and our young children had to see my husband and her arguing outside. She stormed off, he rang her to see if she was okay, so she threatened suicide. He got a neighbor in for the children and sped off after her. The next day he finished it again, but that evening she called again and threatened to come over.”
Unfortunately, it gets worse. “I called her, lost it, and screamed at her. My husband called me a bitch. Then he told me I should’ve let him finish it the way he wanted. So he phoned her back again and sat apologizing to her for half an hour.”
This might sound extreme but I have also counseled a man whose mistress tried three separate times to kill herself—fortunately she did not succeed. So what should you do if the third party has become a nuisance?
Graham, whom we met earlier, rang his mistress on the morning that the affair was out in the open: “I told her that it was over and she said that she understood. She tried to contact me by telephone, text message, and email for the next three to four months. I set up blocks on my email account but she changed her email address. I got a digital telephone for home that could block numbers and she rang from different numbers. She only stopped when our solicitor wrote a letter threatening an injunction.” This practical approach will work much better than direct confrontation.
Common pitfalls in the first days and weeks after discovery
With all the stress and high-intensity feelings at this stage, everyone does something or says something that they later regret. So don’t be too worried if you recognize any of the following traps:
Reacting first and thinking second
When Tracey, forty-five, discovered that her husband, Paul, had been both sexually and emotionally unfaithful, whereas previously he’d sworn it was just an inappropriate friendship, she erupted. “The anger was so explosive that I started chucking things at him: the ashtray, a glass of wine, the rest of our supper. He was covered in ash and glass and stains and still I couldn’t bear the sight of him. I ordered him out of the house but he refused until I threatened that I’d phone my son [from her first marriage] who’s a big lad.” Finally, late at night, Paul fled. Not only is violence unacceptable, but Tracey had not thought through where he would go.
Paul takes up the story: “I was having trouble checking into the local motel, because I looked a right state and had given a different name to the one on my credit card. Where could I go? I literally had nowhere.” At this point, he had no contact with the other woman for over two months. “I thought it was all over between me and my wife—she had told me as much and in no uncertain terms—so I phoned her [the third party]”. The woman invited Paul over and, unsurprisingly, they ended up in bed together.
Fortunately, the affair did not reignite and after a couple of days Paul confessed what happened. Paul and Tracey were finally able to work through the blockage which had been caused by him being dishonest and the setback caused by her explosion.
TIP: If you are prone to acting first and thinking second, build in some “time out.” This could be as little as half an hour or as long as twelve hours. Next time you feel the anger building up, step away and do something else. For example, make a cup of tea, take the dog for a walk, or go for a run. When you have calmed down a little, take another look at the situation and talk to your partner. If your partner tries to intervene or pacify you during “time out,” give an estimated time when you will be ready to discuss things. This will help your partner respect your need to be alone.
Acting as if you are short of time
The pain of discovery is often so overwhelming and the sense that your whole life has been destroyed so strong, that it is not surprising that some people want the pain to go away as quickly as possible. When Carl, thirty-eight, discovered his wife of seven years had had a brief affair with a work colleague, he went into overdrive. He phoned his wife’s mother and several of his friends to get them to intervene on his behalf. He spoke to his boss, explained the situation, and got a week’s compassionate leave. He told his own mother and she phoned his wife too: He researched the problem on the Internet, bought my first book about relationships, and tried to set up an appointment for counseling—before he’d even started reading it. Unfortunately, in his panic, Carl could not properly listen to any of the advice offered. He was too busy looking for what he called the “killer line” which would convince her to stay, while probably he would have been better just listening to his wife. Worse still, she became enraged by repeatedly receiving calls from worried friends. Later, Carl wished he had not been so free with private information.
TIP: If you feel that you are running against a ticking clock, find a personal positive statement that you can repeat during times of stress. Examples would include: “I will get through this” or “We’ll come out the other end with a stronger and better relationship.” If nothing springs to mind, keep reading this book as it is full of reassuring advice and examples of couples who have won through.
Pushing for a promise that is hard to keep
When someone is in pain and looking for a quick fix, it is likely they will press their partner to promise something. This is normally to never contact the third party again, but I have had clients who demanded their partner give up a job after an affair at work. These promises are readily given because the Discovered wants to feel better and to please their partner. Unfortunately, they are hard to keep.
This is the experience of Margaret, who is forty-seven, and whose husband had an affair: “He begged me to take him back, which was asking a huge amount from me. In return, I asked him not to have any more contact with her ever again. He promised and immediately failed to keep this promise. When I was away with my sister, he drove all through the night to talk to his mistress about their breakup. Not only did he keep this a secret from me but he also told our eldest child and told her not to tell me. This seemed like the biggest betrayal of all.” At this point, she kicked him out of the house—threatening him with a knife. “I was at my maddest and lowest ebb and we parted for a year.”
Although it is unpleasant to think about, the Discovered has spent a significant amount of time with the third party and will have feelings—however inappropriate—for this person and therefore will feel obliged to explain their decision. Worse still, the Discovered feels enough of a “bad person” without leaving the third party high and dry. This is why a promise of “no contact” often sets up further clandestine meetings between the ex-lovers which, when discovered, cause more pain than the original betrayal.
TIP: Instead of extracting a promise—which has been framed by you—try negotiating with your partner. How would he or she suggest ending the affair? Where? By email, by phone, or in person? Look at all the details, negotiate, and strike a bargain that works for both of you. I would not recommend listening in on the conversation, as this will not only be painful but also inhibit your partner (and possibly set up the need to meet privately with the third party to explain properly). The other problem with a very restricted final contact is the third party will feel “she’s making you say that” or “he’s pulling the strings” and, worse still, the third party will think your partner does not mean to end it and will keep phoning or driving past.
Underestimating the strength of your position
Having an unfaithful partner is never good for the self-esteem. “I couldn’t function at work, as I kept bursting into tears over the slightest thing,” explains Lucinda who is fifty-five, “I had to go to the doctor for antidepressants. I feel weak, stupid, and unable to cope. All the things that I hate.” With this mindset, it is easy for the third party to seem strong, clever, and attractive. In fact, Lucinda could not understand why her partner still wanted her. Time and again, I find that the Discoverer feels vulnerable when it is, in reality, the third party who is powerless. If you are married, own a house, or have children together, you are in a strong position. Nobody, however infatuated, gives up lightly under these circumstances. Of course, you do not want your partner to stay just because his or her family will be upset or for the children’s sake alone—but this status buys time to try and save the relationship and at this point that is all that counts.
TIP: If your self-esteem is in tatters, think about other things—beyond your relationship—which make you feel good about yourself. This could be your job, being a good father or mother, or playing a brilliant round of golf. Set aside time and put energy into one of these areas. Write the best report for work ever, treat the children to a day out at a theme park, or take a lesson with a golf professional. Any activity that allows you to immerse yourself in the moment and take a break from your problems.
Coming to a decision on the future too quickly
This stage in the recovery process is about asking questions and discovering the depth of the problem and the extent of both the Discoverer’s involvement with the third party and the Discoverer’s pain. It is not about making long-term decisions. Committing too quickly to saving the relationship often leaves one partner doing all the work—as Melissa, forty-five, found out: “I’ve told him I am exhausted and need him to do something for me now. Especially as he has never even apologized. However, he says he’s not sure if he can. He just sits there looking helpless while I try and make it work on my own.” Conversely, throwing your partner out sends a message that the relationship is over, when this might not necessarily be your intention. It can also create an unnecessary ticking clock. “I got fed up with living out of a suitcase,” explains Marcus, forty-one. “I also needed somewhere for my daughter from my first marriage to stay at weekends so I visited estate agents and looked for somewhere to rent. When I was on the point of signing, my wife phoned and begged me not to sign—yet she wasn’t ready for me to move back in again. I was torn in two, I’d found the first apartment that was not only big enough but was also at a rent that I could afford, yet I really wanted to be back at home.” Marcus was already incredibly emotional—forever crying, and feeling guilty—this drama not only added to his problems but was also a distraction. While he and his wife were debating the pros and cons of a six-month lease, they could have been tackling the main issues: why did he have the affair, could this marriage be saved, and what kind of relationship did they want in the future?
At the moment, you will be filled with all sorts of contradictory feelings: love and hate, hope and despair, fear and relief. This is normal. Unfortunately, we don’t like living with ambivalence and push ourselves to coming down on one side or the other—even if it makes things worse rather than better. However, engaging with the complexity of your feelings—rather than rushing into making a judgment—is a skill that is useful not only for your journey from discovery to recovery but also for life in general. Rest assured, it will get easier and the feelings less extreme—but for the time being try and accept uncertainty. It is not necessarily your enemy.
FOR THE DISCOVERED: INTENSE QUESTIONING
• This is a time of soul searching not only for your partner but also for you: how do you really feel about your lover?
• Discovery throws a spotlight on to your extramarital relationship and changes everything. Therefore it is not unusual to be confused or uncertain.
• Share your thought processes and emotions with your partner—even if you are still confused and uncertain.
• Keeping your thoughts private might seem kind (why cause more pain?) but, in the meantime, your partner will expect the worst. It is also harder for him or her to understand your final conclusion if you have not shared how you got there.
• Don’t be afraid to ask your partner questions too. You will probably have underestimated the depth of her or his feelings about your relationship.
• If your partner asks a direct question about your affair, always tell the truth. Anything less prolongs the Intense Questioning stage and makes recovery harder.
• If you dissemble, your partner will be suspicious and become doubly determined to get an answer—by either further questioning or detective work. When he or she finds the missing information—the results will not be pleasant.
• After the discovery of infidelity, all the old rules in a relationship change. Unfortunately, some people who have been unfaithful do not realize the full implications of their infidelity. They keep back information which under normal circumstances might be forgivable—like porn on the computer—but post-discovery these “sins of omission” become more proof that “you cannot be trusted.”
• Every fresh discovery will remind your partner of the original betrayal. As one respondent to my research into adultery questionnaire inquiry explained: “Each time was like a body blow.”
New skill: Understanding
The main thrust of Intense Questioning is to understand why your partner has been unfaithful. Although circumstances change from couple to couple, the causes of affairs can be summarized with the following equation:
Problem + Poor Communication + Temptation = Infidelity
Starting with the problem, there is nearly always some background trigger point. This can be external to the relationship (like redundancy, bereavement, midlife crisis) or central to the relationship (feeling unloved, taken for granted, poor or nonexistent sex life, or a new baby). On their own, these problems are not enough to trigger an affair. However, if someone feels unable to talk or has tried and has not been properly heard, the feelings of despair and hopelessness expand. The relationship might seem okay on the surface but poor communication has put it in real danger. When a third party shows interest, provides a listening ear or some other form of temptation, infidelity is almost inevitable.
It is easy to put all the blame on your partner—after all, he or she systematically lied to you and betrayed you. However, as this formula shows, infidelity is more complicated. Conversely, you should not take all the blame yourself either. You are not responsible for solving your partner’s problems, nor are you responsible for keeping her or him away from all forms of temptation. The aim of the Intense Questioning stage is to assess the degree of personal responsibility for what happened. For this, the focus is on the middle of the equation: poor communication. Why do you find it difficult to talk to each other? How good are you both at listening? What is your part in the problems? How could you be different? Although it might seem easier or comforting to picture yourself as the innocent party, this puts you into the victim role. By contrast, understanding your role in the breakdown is empowering and provides either the first building blocks for a plan to rescue your relationship or the opportunity to learn and move on.
To help start the process of understanding, it might be helpful to know the most common factors that increase the chances of someone being unfaithful. According to a 2004 study, reported in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, they are: a longstanding fear of conflict, a high need for the approval of other people, compartmentalizing (dividing life into different sectors), self-absorption (failure to take other people’s needs into consideration when making decisions), fear of being abandoned, long-standing low sexual or physical self-esteem, and disputes over autonomy and control. The notable themes for the partners of people who had been unfaithful were: perfectionism (which encouraged their partners to avoid conflict), being a mediator during their childhood (so that, as an adult, they continued to smooth over rather than address problematic areas), fear of abandonment, and low self-esteem.
Summary
• The first six months following the discovery of infidelity is the golden window for rescuing a relationship. Do not be panicked into making a decision about the future too soon.
• The main goals of this stage are getting at the truth, and understanding.
• Excessive rage or blaming might temporarily relieve pain but it can make your partner defensive, placating, or deceitful and keeps you stuck at the Intense Questioning stage.
• Although it is understandable to want to know the details of the affair, do not keep the focus solely on the third party. This will stop you thinking about your own relationship.
• Common mistakes include rushing to make things better, underestimating the strength of your position, and dismissing the third party’s feelings (which can encourage revenge or hamper your partner from making a proper end to this relationship).
• An important element of understanding is to assess your own contribution to the crisis.
EXERCISES
Coping with the stress
For many people, discovering their partner’s infidelity is the worst thing that has ever happened to them. Therefore, it is easy for the stress to multiply and spin out of control. The following will help mitigate some of the effects:
1. Recognize the signs. Emotional symptoms include: constant irritability with other people; difficulty making decisions; difficulty concentrating; an inability to finish one task before rushing on to another; feeling unable to cope; loss of a sense of humor; suppressed anger; wanting to cry at the smallest problem; and insomnia. Physical symptoms include: food cravings; lack of appetite; indigestion; nausea; constipation or diarrhea; muscle spasms and cramps; breathlessness and headaches.
2. Think of previous times when you have been stressed. What has helped in the past? What strategies could you use again?
3. Focus on the next few days or weeks. Stress increases when we worry about what will happen at Christmas, the summer holidays, or the rest of our life. Generally, we can cope with right now, tomorrow and the weekend. So focus on short chunks of time and whenever you begin worrying about the distant future (anything more than a month away), bring your mind back to today.
4. Simplify your life as much as possible. Take a look at your responsibilities, projects, and day-to-day tasks. What could be postponed? What is unnecessary? What could you delegate or give to other people? Who could have the children for the day? Anticipate problems in the next few days and plan around them.
5. Look at what help is available. Do you need compassionate leave? There is no need to go into details—a family crisis is sufficient—but make your employers aware that you have problems and will be unable to take on extra responsibilities at the moment. Are there friends or family members in whom you can confide?
6. Think carefully about whom you tell. Ask yourself the following questions: Would this person rush to judge my partner? Do I want to talk about private information that would make it hard for my friend or family member to have a good relationship with my partner in the future? Is this person quick to give advice or likely to push me into making decisions and thereby multiply my stress?
7. Take time out. This could be sitting in the garden or backyard for five minutes and listening to the birds, stopping for a couple of minutes and doing deep-breathing exercises, or hailing a taxi cab and being driven aimlessly around for fifteen minutes. Anything that allows you to step off the treadmill for a while.
8. Enjoy moments of temporary refuge. It is not helpful to be constantly thinking about the affair, so welcome the distraction that bringing up children or a particularly complex project at work affords.
9. Acknowledge the stress in your partner. Go back over the list of symptoms and assess whether your partner is suffering too. Are you making things worse? For example, wanting to talk about problems at 3 a.m. or pressing for some “commitment” when the focus should be on getting through the next few days.
10. Take responsibility for your part. We are most stressed when everything feels out of our control. However, stress is reduced when we are working toward a goal which is within our power. So think about your contribution toward your marital problems and what changes you would like to make to your own behavior—rather than trying to change your partner.
Doing a self-audit
This exercise is designed to help you find a middle way between placing all the blame on your partner and, conversely, taking all the blame yourself.
1. Thinking of communication, how good are you at:
a) sharing your problems with your partner
b) listening to your partner?
2. Staying with communication, how good are you at:
a) telling your partner what you like about them
b) telling your partner about what you do not like?
3. Thinking about your time, energy, and attention, where would you place the following in order of priority?
a) Your job
b) Your children
c) Your partner
d) Chores around the house
e) TV/computer
f) Hobbies
g) Family and friends
4. Looking back at the list above, in which order might your partner have thought that you rank them?
5. Thinking about your sex life, which of the following statements apply?
a) I did my utmost to keep it interesting and rewarding.
b) It was a low priority.
c) I seldom made the first move.
d) We shared responsibility for initiating sex.
e) I communicated what I liked and needed in the bedroom.
f) I found it difficult to talk about my desires.
6. Write down three important contributions that you make to your relationship.
7. Write down three areas where you could have done more.
8. Write down one thing that you would like to change.
9. How could you turn this aspiration into a small, repeatable piece of behavior? For example, if your change is to talk more, commit to seeking out your partner when you return home and to discussing your day. If your change is prioritizing time alone together, you could initiate new bedtimes for the children and stick to them.
How to talk about sex
Having spent thirty years as a marital therapist, I know sex is a difficult topic for most couples. This is because talking about our desires creates an unfortunate double whammy. We not only feel incredibly exposed but also sound like we are criticizing our partner. So here are some techniques that I use to facilitate a productive conversation.
1. Finding the language. In my counseling room, couples often try to discuss sex in a very general way. So general, that I often have no idea what they are talking about. The problem is that they have no words for body parts or sexual practices without sounding like a crude schoolboy, a tabloid journalist, a pornographer, or a doctor. There is no easy answer but I think it best to use the correct medical language: penis, vagina, clitoris, breasts, orgasm, sexual intercourse, masturbation, and oral sex. This cuts down the confusion where “making love” can mean different things to different people and reduces the embarrassment of saying “dirty” words out loud.
2. Laughter. When I was doing my couple-counseling basic training, we always knew which groups of students were doing sex therapy from the waves of hysteria coming from the other tables in the college dining room. There is something funny and ridiculous about sex. When it’s done properly, sex brings out the playful, childish, creative parts of our personality. It is supposed to be fun.
3. Where. Don’t talk in the bedroom. It can easily seem like a postmortem and never talk directly after an unsuccessful attempt to have sex. This will quickly dissolve into self-loathing or angry outbursts. If you wish to reassure your partner, a hug, fondling, stroking, or a cuddle will be much more effective. Talking in public is equally problematic. Although I do not encourage it, friends or acquaintances have told me about their sexual problems in bars and coffee shops. On several occasions, they have turned around and realized that someone at the next table was listening. On others, we have had to drop our voices to a whisper which makes sex seem a dirty or shameful subject. It is not. Good places to talk include at home or on long car journeys. The latter is particularly productive as it is hard for one person to storm off.
4. When. I am not a great fan of making an appointment to talk about sex with each other. It provides time to become anxious or defensive. However, some planning might be needed to make certain that the two of you are alone and unlikely to be interrupted. A good time would be after eating a meal together. You are both relaxed and have a sense of each other’s mood. A glass of wine might help loosen the tongue but don’t tackle sensitive subjects when you are inebriated.
5. Taking stock. To get a sense of how you both feel about your sex life, look at the following question and write your responses separately. (Underneath, I have written the percentages of the population who answered the same in the British Sexual Fantasy Research Project. This will give you a chance to compare your sexual satisfaction and hopefully feel reassured.)
How would you describe your sex life?
Extremely satisfactory
Quite satisfactory
Reasonable
Mediocre
Quite unsatisfactory
Entirely unsatisfactory
(Extremely satisfactory: 19 percent; Quite satisfactory: 25 percent; Reasonable: 18 percent; Mediocre: 12 percent; Quite unsatisfactory: 10 percent; Entirely unsatisfactory: 11 percent.)
1. Take responsibility. It is easy for any conversation about sex—however carefully conducted—to sound like criticism. However, this is significantly reduced if you only use “I” statements. For example: “I am often frustrated” or “I would like things to be different.”
2. Be open-minded. You might hear something that makes you feel uncomfortable but avoid rushing to make a judgment. Hear your partner out. Get clarification. Ask questions. However, reserve your response until at least you have had the chance to sleep on it. Remember there is a big difference between fantasy and actually doing something. The British Sexual Fantasy Research Project revealed that 33 percent of the population imagine themselves in a submissive role, 29 percent in a dominant or aggressive role, 25 percent being tied up, 23 percent tying someone up, 17 percent being blindfolded, and 17 percent blindfolding someone. Despite the popularity of these fantasies, they remain minority pursuits.
3. Reaffirm each other. It is a basic human need to feel loved, desired, and sexually potent. So end your discussion with some positive feedback about what you like about each other’s bodies and the moments together that give you the most sexual pleasure. Afterward enjoy a cuddle—preferably lasting a few minutes—as this is a time when touch is more comforting than words.
(Later in the book, I will return to the subject of sex and how to progress discussion into action. However, at this point, it is enough to take stock of your love life, understand what might have gone wrong, and be ready to make an informed choice about the future.)
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CHECKPOINT Three key points for surviving Stage Two: 1. Don’t panic and rush into making decisions too soon. 2. Explain why honesty is so important to you. 3. Seek to understand why your partner was tempted and why communication between the two of you has broken down. |