I noticed nothing wrong at first. Afterwards, that fact caused me many sleepless nights. Jenny and I continued with our courting. We met, walked and talked. I remember, even now, the grasp of her strong fingers in my own and the roughness of our two hands pressed palm against palm, although since she had taken up the sewing in good earnest, hers had become softer and whiter. We fitted together well, our footsteps went well together. Sometimes, we would walk in the woods at the back of her house and, in the privacy of the thickets of willow, she would allow me to slide my arm around her waist and kiss her. I am sure that she must have kissed me back, because I saw nothing amiss, although I had little experience of such things. We were handfasted after all and would be married as soon as we could. But afterwards I saw that she would only permit me, that was all. She did not exactly encourage me. She allowed herself to be loved by me. I thought she was virtuous, but perhaps I was wrong. Oh she liked me fine, I am sure she did, but she was not overcome with any great passion. Experience has taught me that.
Marion had asked her to do more embroidery, some of it for garments and some of it for the household, and when I went to the library to read, I would often find her there, sitting over her sewing where it was warm and peaceful. I think they were all mindful of her comfort at that time. There was a sewing room upstairs and it was there that she would cut out fabric, measure and arrange things, there that she would keep her shears, her silks and her needles.
While it was still chilly, before the advent of spring and even afterwards, well into summer, there was always a fire in the library and sometimes Marion would send her to sit there and sew. I think she was doing it as a kindness to me, throwing us together, and perhaps she fancied that she was giving us somewhere warm and comfortable to do our courting when we neither of us had much privacy at home. It certainly gave us time to be together. But I was often wanting to read, wanting to make the most of my limited hours in the library, and I’ll allow her presence distracted me. But then she was always busy, stitching away at her gardens in silk and singing and smiling to herself as she worked. At that time I would have said that she was absolutely contented with her lot.
Sometimes the three of us would be there together, Thomas, Jenny and myself. Then things would be very pleasant and friendly, because he would start to question her about this or that aspect of her life, about her father’s work and his beliefs, and the state of the weaving industry. He was a great one for finding things out. I don’t think he was ever bored in his life. He seemed remarkably knowledgeable about all manner of things, but anxious to know more, and it struck me that he was genuinely intrigued. It made me pleased for him and pleased for her as well, that he was taking such an interest in a country lassie and her family.
‘Tell me about the shawls,’ Thomas said. ‘Isn’t that what your father is making just now?’
There was a depression in the west of Scotland silk trade at the time but an Edinburgh manufacturer called Paterson was putting a lot of work in the way of the Glasgow and Paisley weavers. Sandy Caddas had told me all about it one evening when I had sat with him over his ale and his pipe, and I had mentioned it to Thomas.
Now, Jenny spoke to Thomas with easy familiarity. She had confessed to me that, although she had been shy of him at first, he had quickly put her at her ease. ‘Why yes. He is weaving shawls for ladies, sir. Mr Paterson has been wanting copies of Turkish Shawls.’
‘And what are they?’
‘They have fantastic figures woven into them. They’re very beautiful but they are difficult to make and they take a lot of time and trouble. Father says he’s never paid enough for them.’
‘No working man ever thinks he is paid enough for what he does.’
‘And maybe that’s the truth,’ I said, lifting my head from my book.
‘Aye, maybe it is!’ he agreed, smiling at my ferocity. ‘So the Edinburgh ladies want Turkish designs do they, Jenny?’
‘Aye and lovely damask shawls with a black weft and a crimson warp.’
‘You wear one such yourself, don’t you?’
‘I do. My father made one for me.’
I observed that her face was alight with pleasure, although whether at the thought of the shawl, or with surprise that he should take an interest in such things, I couldn’t say.
‘Perhaps I’ll ask him to make one for Marion,’ said Thomas, smiling at her enthusiasm. ‘Do you think she would like one?’
‘For your wife? Oh yes.’ She started to laugh, although I could not see that he had said anything so very funny. ‘He has a few on hand and perhaps you could come one day and look at them and take your pick.’
‘A very good idea! I will have to take care and choose my time carefully. I think I should like to meet your father, Jenny. He sounds like an interesting man.’
‘Oh he is! Isn’t he, William?’
‘He’s a very clever man. And he’s been very kind to me.’
The weavers at that time were – as they are, even now – well educated, well read and thoughtful, but back then they were also to a great extent their own masters, prosperous and independent, and that has very much changed for the worse now, for all but the favoured few who saw the way things might be going. They were skilled and ingenious and those that owned their own looms or even a small weaving shed with several looms and had some skill in designing, like Jenny’s father, could command high prices for their work, however much they might complain about costs.
Although he did not exactly broadcast the fact, I was well aware that Mr Caddas was a radical. This was something that had shocked my mother, but certainly would not have shocked my father, although he would perhaps not have gone so far as to voice his support. Events in France had made such a position precarious in the extreme. Along with his companions, Sandy Caddas had taken shares in the purchase of a weekly newspaper, so that he knew what was going on in the world outside the narrow interests of his trade. Such things, as he was fond of remarking, would sooner or later affect his trade, and he wanted to know about them before that happened. Like I myself, he had a strong sense of justice and of injustice too. He did not like the way the world was arranged and he was brave enough to say so. I admired him for that.
Besides that, he would cultivate his garden, growing kale and potatoes for the table, leaving the flowers and herbs to Jenny. But he was almost as interested in botany as I was. I think this was one of the things that fascinated Thomas, because he was always quizzing Jenny about her father, his beliefs, his habits, and within the space of a few short visits, he seemed to have found out much more about Sandy Caddas than I had discovered in the space of as many years.
There was one thing only that made me jealous, and it was a strange thing to be envious of, but I remember it all the same, remember my resentment. Thomas could always make Jenny laugh in a way I never did. He had that talent: a dry way of making an observation that you would suddenly realise was very funny. Jenny was quicker to see this than I. I would see her chuckling to herself and realise that he was making fun of me, mildly, and then I would start to laugh too and he would look from one to the other of us with a pretence of surprise. ‘Have I said something amusing?’ he would ask innocently.
Once, he brought a box of sugar plums into the library, and we finished them between us, like greedy children. Another time he had a wooden crate of some foreign sweetmeat that had the scent of roses about it, a scent and taste that lingered on the tongue long after you had finished eating it. I was not so fond of this, but Jenny thought it was wonderful, and he gave her the rest of the box to take home with her so that her sister could have some as well. He told her it was as Turkish as the shawls her father was making and that was why he had bought it.
Sometimes I would walk her home but from time to time she would stay in Thomas’s house because she had promised Marion she would finish some piece of work or other. They would give her a bed betwixt and between the servants’ quarters and the family rooms, making her very comfortable, so she told me. And once or twice, she said that Thomas had actually taken her home on horseback, when her father was expecting her but it was too late or the weather too inconvenient for walking.
Then she would steal her hand into mine and say, ‘But I would rather have ridden up in front of you, William. You know that, don’t you? He’s a very kind gentleman to be sure, but I would rather have ridden up in front of you.’
Which was a strange thing to say, because not a horse did I possess, nor ever had possessed one, nor was ever likely to, so far as I could see.
* * *
My own Jenny, my grand-daughter, has just come into the room, bringing with her a posy of late flowers from a neighbour’s garden: mostly lavender, past its best, with the blooms whitening on the stem, a few tiny rosebuds and some ragged sweet peas and pinks.
‘I picked these for you, grandfather,’ she says.
She has brought over the brown and white pitcher from the new Bell’s pottery, which is a great fascination for the ladies. Her mother bought the pitcher only a week ago, very much the fashion she tells me, and Jenny is intent on filling it with water and stuffing flowers into it. I do not think her mother would be very pleased to see to what use she is putting this new and treasured possession. But who am I to disappoint her when she is so intent on the task? The flowers are already wilting from the heat of her starfish fingers, so it is as well that she is putting them in water. The smell of them is very sweet.
Jenny, my other Jenny, grew all of these in her garden. When I close my eyes and breathe in the scent of sweet peas, I am back there again, sitting with my arm around her waist. Sometimes, when there was dried lavender to be rubbed, to make into lavender bags for her linens, I would help her. The scent, astringent and heady, would stay on my hands for hours afterwards.
Even now, the scent of lavender always reminds me of those days and that peculiar, uncertain feeling when everything was in a state of flux. I knew that I would have to find other work, I knew that this would be my last year in the college garden, a garden that had meant so much to me, a place that had been my home since infancy, and yet I could not be unhappy. In fact, it was something of a relief to be leaving at last, and I was very excited about the future. With every month that passed, my problems seemed to be resolving themselves. Thomas had raised the matter as promised, and his uncle was quite amenable to the Ayrshire plan. There was a small problem of the cottages, which had to be made habitable, but he was confident that before our lease and my garden work ran out in Glasgow, we would all be able to go to Ayrshire and settle down there together. A little later, as soon as practicable, Jenny and I would have a country wedding in the village kirk and all would be well.
‘Leave it with me,’ he said.
And I trusted him.
I would be sorry to leave Glasgow and even more sorry that I would not see Thomas so regularly as before, but I was confident that our friendship could and would continue. He was in the habit of visiting his cousin often. How much more frequently might he come when he could have a hand in laying out and improving these large grounds and gardens? I knew he had plans for us and thought that when I was working there too, his uncle, who was very lazy in such matters, and his cousin, who was a sickly soul, would give him a free hand. There might even be the possibility of the long dreamed-of expedition to collect plants, a small expedition perhaps, not to China, which would be a great and dangerous distance, but perhaps to France or Italy. And to me, who had not even seen very much of Scotland, and for whom the Isle of Arran had been a voyage of discovery, France or Italy might as well have been China, so exotic were the visions conjured by those names in my imagination.
The rest of the family was in a fair way to prospering. Bessie had moved out of the scullery and was now a housemaid and very proud of the fact. Moreover, she had the trust of the cook, who seemed to be teaching her all she knew. The younger girls were shaping up too. I thought that Susanna would never rise beyond her work as scullery maid. I worried about her because she was still clumsy and never seemed very happy, especially now that she was separated from her sister. But Jean had lately been taken on as lady’s maid to the younger daughter of the house where she had been in service. There was little between them in age and it was the girl’s own choice, I think. She wanted a maid she could confide in and, for all her shortcomings, Jean was a sweet-natured lass with a face that invited confidences. We all thought she would do very well in the household. As for my brother James, he was fast becoming a useful under-gardener, absorbing knowledge as a sponge absorbs water, stronger and more capable than myself.
Of all the boys, Johnnie was still hankering after ships, making plans for when he was old enough to go to sea. Although my mother disapproved, I was inclined to let him go when the time came and follow his heart. Once a man is smitten with that fever, or so my uncle John had told us, there is nothing to be done about it, there is only salt water will cure it. Only Rab was still a sickly soul, nine years old and never thriving. Each winter we thought we would lose him and each winter – with Thomas’s help – he struggled through to see another spring. There was a dogged determination about him that seemed a useful substitute for health and he was an uncomplaining lad with great reserves of self-sufficiency for all that he was so often unwell. My mother cosseted him as much as she could. He was her baby and she loved him.
But since, apart from Rab, all my brothers and sisters seemed to be off our hands, or very nearly, Jenny and I could begin to look forward to our marriage. Her father had already declared his intention of settling a reasonable tocher on his daughter, should she find a ‘man she wished to marry’ as he would say, with a wink in my direction. In fact, the dreaded dismissal from the gardens was proving to be a blessing in disguise and I was looking forward with a certain amount of complacency to a happier future than I could ever have hoped for.