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WHAT HAVE I DONE? WHAT have I done? What have I done?
The question reverberates through my brain, my skull, my soul.
Will is sitting beside me in my receiving room, gingerly touching the tender spot on his head, oblivious to the facts that I have withheld from him.
Millard, the King of the Realm, who took the throne by murdering his brother, is not tied up.
Because I freed him.
He killed his brother, who had killed their father. He killed Halfreda, who was the wise woman in this castle before me, he killed Everleigh’s first love – Archer and he killed her handmaiden, Lanorie.
Since his coronation, since I moved to the castle to take Halfreda’s place, I have feared for my own life on more than one occasion.
I know that this King, this young man, is a menace. He is dangerous, impulsive, terrifying really, and yet...
How can you explain something that you do not understand?
I am not a foolish woman. I pride myself on being clever and intuitive, level headed and good hearted.
But I can also tell you that even through my fear, I could accept that Millard was handsome, alluring, even.
I am a woman unused to the attentions of men. I am innocent of so much and yet when he kissed me – twice – my head turned and my heart thawed.
But now I feel sick that I have betrayed Everleigh.
The Kingmaker who lived, the Kingmaker who should rule. I have sworn to put her on the throne, sworn to help her and thwart her brother and yet I have aided him.
But when I saw him tied up, vulnerable and hurting, attacked and unable to defend himself, I wanted to help; I had to help. My heart told me to help him and I did.
I cannot explain it or justify it.
But I did it.
I take a drink from the flagon of ale on the table and ask Will if he wants any. He shakes his head and I move to his side. “Are you alright?”
“Lanorie’s dead.”
I nod my head. The murderous King did it. And yet I still have a soft spot for him in my heart.
I disgust myself.
“She is. I’m sorry.”
Will has loved her for a long time, the fool and the handmaiden, Everleigh’s handmaiden, like a silly tale or a song. And what would my song be? The King and the wise woman? Not so wise, really.
“My head hurts, I can’t...”
“Rest. There is nothing we can do until we find Everleigh. We may have Millard’s crown but we have nowhere to put it.”
“It’s my fault we lost Everleigh.”
“No, Will. It’s Brett’s fault. He took her.”
“I don’t remember anything...”
“Maybe that’s for the best.”
I leave Will resting, hurting, worrying and I walk through to the other room. Millard’s crown is sitting on the table where Addyson put it.
I touch it and wonder again at what I have done and what I have become.
When I dole out lotions and potions I always give my advice to go along with it. I give it freely and I think I’m pretty clever, pretty good at telling others what to do.
What should I do?
I have betrayed a friend. I have helped a murderer. I have fallen in...what? Love? No, I do not love him – I know how horrible he can be, how evil his actions are. Lust? I find him attractive but I cannot say that I am overcome with wantonness at the sight of him.
I cannot explain or understand and so what do I do now?
If I continue to help Everleigh, despite my betrayal, do I tell her what I have done? Would she forgive me? She is forgiving. She is kind and just and so wonderfully perfect. And I am dark and cruel. We finally had what we wanted. Millard was helpless, his crown stripped from him, his throne ready for the taking and I let him go.
I will help Everleigh but I do not want to tell her what I did, who I am, what I have become.
A traitor.
On both sides.
Millard thinks I serve him but I aid Everleigh.
Everleigh thinks I serve her but I aid Millard.
Maybe the only person I truly serve is myself?